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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DH to go away on holiday for a week in the first month of our baby arriving?

109 replies

PineappleDance · 25/04/2023 17:16

Hello,

Just wanted to know what other people make of this situation.

I’m expecting my first baby at the very end of July with DH. We’ve been together for 3.5 years. He has a DC from his first marriage, so I have a DSC, 11. We get on well even though they weren’t that happy to hear about our news, which is completely understandable as the baby will be their only sibling. It is a huge age gap. I have tried to be sensitive to their feelings about this.

Also, I am very supportive of them and DH spending quality time together - by themselves, as part of the wider family and so on. With the baby arriving I also encourage it as I want everyone to be happy and feel alright about things. I promise that’s not what this is about.

DH wants to take his DC away for one week in August to their family holiday home. No other family will be there - apart from possibly grandma (my DH’s mum). This happens every year, but for a longer, extended break usually. This is to give DC a break in the sun and to go to the beach, and so that they can see their summer friends (that have a house in the same area too)

DSC mother (DH’s ex wife) will also take DSC away on a separate trip away during the holidays (usually south of France). To date there have been loads of holidays abroad this year (3 since New Years and one next week with the school strike coming up)so it’s not like this is the only opportunity to go away for fun.

Am I wrong for feeling anxious and down about this proposal? To be left alone with a new born, if only for a week? I know single mothers cope with a lot more and do an amazing job, so I should be fine, but I feel quite resentful of my DH to think he’s even considering going away within the first month of our baby arriving. I’m planning for a traditional birth, but what if I have to have an emergency c-section, or there are other complications like our DS being unwell, or I have PND? It just doesn’t feel right to me.

DH has suggested that my mum come and stay with us for the week (we’re in London, she’s on the south coast but is only an hour away by train) but I don’t like this as solution for two reasons. Firstly, my mum and I aren’t that close and we don’t always see eye to eye. Secondly my parents are carers to my older disabled brother (albeit part time, but they’re always on call to provide cover if the care system has staff shortages). Doesn’t seem fair on any of them either.

DH and his DC will be going to the holiday home for the next half term break, most likely. And I have suggested they go again during the October half term break too so that DSC can go to the holiday home. But DH husband seems to be pushing a summer trip too as it will be high season and so the only time when her friends will be there (there’s two of them, a brother and sister). Can I say…I don’t give a damn. I want DS to be with his dad in the early weeks and in the first month at least.

I guess if he had a job that required a lot of travel abroad he would be expected to get back to this once paternity leave ends (probably not an entire week tho), so maybe I am beyond unreasonable…

It feels like someone is going to be short changed by however this plays out. Am I wrong for not wanting it to me and DS?

I don’t think it’s realistic for me and DS to join the trip as while it’s only to the Mediterranean, he won’t have had his jabs by then. Plus I’ll be figuring the whole motherhood thing out, flying sound a pain etc. so doesn’t seem practical…

Thanks for reading/ reading this far. I probably haven’t explained it very well.

OP posts:
SparklyBlackKitten · 26/04/2023 01:22

So he'd prefer to go on a holiday rather than spending time with his new family.

He has obviously already gone through this before so it is less of a big deal to him. However it should still be half a big deal at the very least . .

His kid and his new to be born baby are equally important. So I get that he finds himself torn. However in this case: just about to be born BABY in week ONE trumps summer holiday with dd.

The fact he has planned something else Would indicate a big problem in your marriage op... And by big i mean huge.

youveturnedupwelldone · 26/04/2023 06:20

My DD's father was the same. Step kid around the same age when I was pregnant. It doesn't get any better, hence we are not together. He's telling you through his actions what kind of father he's going to be - absent!

kenadams86 · 26/04/2023 06:36

My exh went away on a 6 day lads holiday when DD2 was 2 weeks old and I had just had a c section. I couldn't drive and was still in a lot of post op pain.

We also had a toddler at home. My mum came to look after us but I never got over the selfishness from him. We separated when DD2 was almost 2.

JennyForeigner · 26/04/2023 06:43

Apart from your husband being a insufferable twat, it's always so weird when 'friends' get brought in to justify this stuff.

Your old snowboarding pals don't need you to go on a stag do in Lanzarote 20 minutes after your wife has a complex section. They are just also going to think you an insufferable twat and wonder why the hell you are there.

OMG12 · 26/04/2023 06:47

This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve heard. What if you’ve had a c section, the baby isn’t well, you have PND, you’re not well? Even if things go well, you’ll be tired and Need help.

suggest you go on holiday a couple of eeeks after the baby is born and leave him alone with it.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 26/04/2023 07:01

Have you told DH that you are not happy about this?

Naddd · 26/04/2023 07:03

PineappleDance · 25/04/2023 17:16

Hello,

Just wanted to know what other people make of this situation.

I’m expecting my first baby at the very end of July with DH. We’ve been together for 3.5 years. He has a DC from his first marriage, so I have a DSC, 11. We get on well even though they weren’t that happy to hear about our news, which is completely understandable as the baby will be their only sibling. It is a huge age gap. I have tried to be sensitive to their feelings about this.

Also, I am very supportive of them and DH spending quality time together - by themselves, as part of the wider family and so on. With the baby arriving I also encourage it as I want everyone to be happy and feel alright about things. I promise that’s not what this is about.

DH wants to take his DC away for one week in August to their family holiday home. No other family will be there - apart from possibly grandma (my DH’s mum). This happens every year, but for a longer, extended break usually. This is to give DC a break in the sun and to go to the beach, and so that they can see their summer friends (that have a house in the same area too)

DSC mother (DH’s ex wife) will also take DSC away on a separate trip away during the holidays (usually south of France). To date there have been loads of holidays abroad this year (3 since New Years and one next week with the school strike coming up)so it’s not like this is the only opportunity to go away for fun.

Am I wrong for feeling anxious and down about this proposal? To be left alone with a new born, if only for a week? I know single mothers cope with a lot more and do an amazing job, so I should be fine, but I feel quite resentful of my DH to think he’s even considering going away within the first month of our baby arriving. I’m planning for a traditional birth, but what if I have to have an emergency c-section, or there are other complications like our DS being unwell, or I have PND? It just doesn’t feel right to me.

DH has suggested that my mum come and stay with us for the week (we’re in London, she’s on the south coast but is only an hour away by train) but I don’t like this as solution for two reasons. Firstly, my mum and I aren’t that close and we don’t always see eye to eye. Secondly my parents are carers to my older disabled brother (albeit part time, but they’re always on call to provide cover if the care system has staff shortages). Doesn’t seem fair on any of them either.

DH and his DC will be going to the holiday home for the next half term break, most likely. And I have suggested they go again during the October half term break too so that DSC can go to the holiday home. But DH husband seems to be pushing a summer trip too as it will be high season and so the only time when her friends will be there (there’s two of them, a brother and sister). Can I say…I don’t give a damn. I want DS to be with his dad in the early weeks and in the first month at least.

I guess if he had a job that required a lot of travel abroad he would be expected to get back to this once paternity leave ends (probably not an entire week tho), so maybe I am beyond unreasonable…

It feels like someone is going to be short changed by however this plays out. Am I wrong for not wanting it to me and DS?

I don’t think it’s realistic for me and DS to join the trip as while it’s only to the Mediterranean, he won’t have had his jabs by then. Plus I’ll be figuring the whole motherhood thing out, flying sound a pain etc. so doesn’t seem practical…

Thanks for reading/ reading this far. I probably haven’t explained it very well.

Apologies if I've gotten the wrong end of the stick but how on earth is this going to work going forwards?

It seems he has a vast amount of one on one time with dsc and has also done this with wider family and just dsc. This isn't going to work now you'll have a child of your own you do see that?

Several Weeks of holiday a year just them two, only him and dsc with family, how will that work now? You've been happy to take a back seat fairly often it seems, will you be happy for that for your child? Will your child?

I feel you've set yourself up to fail, your child will feel resentful if this all continues as will you and if it doesn't your stepchild will.

Im not a sp but do find this odd, one on one time yes absolutely but weeks of holidays, get togethers with family you're not part of. It seems everything fits around dsc you've reassured them nothing will change but your very set up means it must.

custardbear · 26/04/2023 07:07

If his ex wife is going can't she just take their kids instead of him?

CecilyP · 26/04/2023 07:16

Luredbyapomegranate · 25/04/2023 22:22

Good grief - no. They can go in October. Your DSS mum is taking him away in the holidays so he’s getting his summer break.

Yes it not like the DC isn’t getting a summer holiday abroad this year. Surely even an 11 year old can understand that for one year only there is a good reason the trip to the holiday home In August can’t happen.

HoppingPavlova · 26/04/2023 07:18

YANBU, what the hell is wrong with the man!

CecilyP · 26/04/2023 07:26

ButterCrackers · 26/04/2023 00:15

It sounds like he can afford to pay for day and night home help for you and your newborn. You should not have to struggle whilst he’s on a family holiday.

Quite! He might be able to afford a maternity nurse. But even she would be judgy of the reason she had been hired.

thisismyworld · 26/04/2023 07:26

My birth to my dc was difficult, I was in hospital for a week and bed rest for a fortnight when I got home. I needed my DH to help with my child. No way would I have been able to look after DC on my own

FeltedDogs · 26/04/2023 07:46

amylou8 · 25/04/2023 17:39

YANBU absolutely not acceptable. His son is old enough to understand that this year the trip needs to be rescheduled/postponed and why.

This 🖕

Dyrne · 26/04/2023 07:52

Does he always put his & DC’s ‘Wants’ before your ‘Needs’, OP? It sounds like in order to even have considered this he is fairly comfortable with putting you last, as usual.

ElizaMulvil · 26/04/2023 08:06

So now you know just how little he values you.
This relationship has no future.

Temporaryname158 · 26/04/2023 08:24

So what happened in your chat last night? I hope after the overwhelming response you’ve had here you told him he isn’t going?????

mephi · 26/04/2023 08:37

You sound kind and considerate. His expectations are selfish and unreasonable. But being too accommodating at that early stage I would think, will be condoning what then will become an established dynamic. If he gets away with this as 'reasonable', he's made a leap forward in establishing a precedent of dumping all sorts of unfairness on you for the remaining 18 years...
'You managed really well last time, of course you'll be fine if I now go with my mates'
'I need to leave you both for x because of my other DC'
'Of course you don't need me there'...
and so it will likely go on.

I do think these early months matter for establishing clear and fair expectations with partners. I didn't do this myself - I didn't have clear boundaries and wanted to be 'kind' and show how competent I am - I learnt the hard way. He needs to know this is 50/50 responsibility not weighted to you because you gave birth.

Poppy297 · 26/04/2023 09:46

Oh my goodness- do not let him leave you!

You have no idea how your birth is going to go and recovery is different for everyone.

In my case the first three months felt like torture. I can remember standing in the doorway waiting for my husband to get home from work. The baby had been crying non stop all day and I hadn't even been able to out him down to go to the loo (obviously I should have popped him down for a few minutes in his crib while i had a pee but that sort of rational feeling is really hard to do when your chronically sleep deprived).

My child wouldn't sleep for more than an hour at a time. My husband and i had to do shifts at night. I genuinely could not have coped on my own.

Hopefully your husbands first child was a baby who slept really well...and this blase attitude is not indicative that he did bugger all and so doesn't actually understand anything about babies. I would be really concerned about his lack of understanding here.

MartinFowler · 26/04/2023 09:58

So if your baby is 2 weeks late he'll just have a few days with him then fuck off on holiday? What a prick

Original poster
PineappleDance · 27/04/2023 06:44

Thanks everyone for your kind messages and for sharing your experiences with a new born. The first 8 weeks especially sound so precious, I’m not sure why anyone would won’t to go away either. You can never get that time back.

Anyway, we spoke the other evening and I listed my concerns, and told DH why it’s not practical or justified to go away. He accepted straight away, I think he knew in his heart of hearts it’s not fair or workable. Maybe he just needed someone else to explain it to him.

Theyve booked their travel for the next half term too and she’s taking a school friend so will have someone to play with.

I don’t feel guilty in the slightest even though I think I was being made to feel a tiny bit bad. Well I don’t.

thanks again!
x

OP posts:
Clymene · 27/04/2023 06:49

I'm glad to hear that. Good luck with the birth Smile

Dyrne · 27/04/2023 06:50

Hmm, he’s done well out of this hasn’t he?

Make you worry about dealing with a 2 week old on your own so that when he agrees to “compromise” and leave you with a 10 week old on your own instead, you’re actually happy with the arrangement…

ohfibonacci · 27/04/2023 06:55

So glad you sorted it. Good luck with everything. Just wanted to say that you sound lovely and they’re lucky to have you!

billy1966 · 27/04/2023 07:41

God love you OP.

He knew well but was more than prepared to motor on unless you pushed it.

Good men don't know in their "heart of hearts" to do something as absolutely basic as be around for your new baby and mother🙄.

I think you have a hard road ahead of you with someone so selfish.

I suggest you have a serious think about how you feel about him today, because 12, 24 36 months from now it will likely be a very different story with someone so selfish.

In his mind this is YOUR child and his life with HIS child should remain unchanged and unimpacted by YOUR child.

Stay working full-time, keep family and friends close, I would think you are going to need them.

Life gets tedious very quickly with someone who has to have the right thing pointed out to them at every turn.

Well done for being firm, however, how quickly he rebooked everything🙄!.

He's really no prize OP.

Take care of yourself.

StillWantingADog · 27/04/2023 07:47

Definitely not.
he clearly can’t remember what it’s like having a newborn, or was totally useless when dsc was born.

I remember literally crying the last night of dh’s pat leave as I didn’t know how I would cope, and he was wfh! It was totally all consuming and no way would I have managed by myself for a week when the dbaby was so small. I can imagine a scenario where if you get on with your dm and she is happy to help this could be a good compromise however it wasn’t the case for me and it isn’t for you either