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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DH to go away on holiday for a week in the first month of our baby arriving?

109 replies

PineappleDance · 25/04/2023 17:16

Hello,

Just wanted to know what other people make of this situation.

I’m expecting my first baby at the very end of July with DH. We’ve been together for 3.5 years. He has a DC from his first marriage, so I have a DSC, 11. We get on well even though they weren’t that happy to hear about our news, which is completely understandable as the baby will be their only sibling. It is a huge age gap. I have tried to be sensitive to their feelings about this.

Also, I am very supportive of them and DH spending quality time together - by themselves, as part of the wider family and so on. With the baby arriving I also encourage it as I want everyone to be happy and feel alright about things. I promise that’s not what this is about.

DH wants to take his DC away for one week in August to their family holiday home. No other family will be there - apart from possibly grandma (my DH’s mum). This happens every year, but for a longer, extended break usually. This is to give DC a break in the sun and to go to the beach, and so that they can see their summer friends (that have a house in the same area too)

DSC mother (DH’s ex wife) will also take DSC away on a separate trip away during the holidays (usually south of France). To date there have been loads of holidays abroad this year (3 since New Years and one next week with the school strike coming up)so it’s not like this is the only opportunity to go away for fun.

Am I wrong for feeling anxious and down about this proposal? To be left alone with a new born, if only for a week? I know single mothers cope with a lot more and do an amazing job, so I should be fine, but I feel quite resentful of my DH to think he’s even considering going away within the first month of our baby arriving. I’m planning for a traditional birth, but what if I have to have an emergency c-section, or there are other complications like our DS being unwell, or I have PND? It just doesn’t feel right to me.

DH has suggested that my mum come and stay with us for the week (we’re in London, she’s on the south coast but is only an hour away by train) but I don’t like this as solution for two reasons. Firstly, my mum and I aren’t that close and we don’t always see eye to eye. Secondly my parents are carers to my older disabled brother (albeit part time, but they’re always on call to provide cover if the care system has staff shortages). Doesn’t seem fair on any of them either.

DH and his DC will be going to the holiday home for the next half term break, most likely. And I have suggested they go again during the October half term break too so that DSC can go to the holiday home. But DH husband seems to be pushing a summer trip too as it will be high season and so the only time when her friends will be there (there’s two of them, a brother and sister). Can I say…I don’t give a damn. I want DS to be with his dad in the early weeks and in the first month at least.

I guess if he had a job that required a lot of travel abroad he would be expected to get back to this once paternity leave ends (probably not an entire week tho), so maybe I am beyond unreasonable…

It feels like someone is going to be short changed by however this plays out. Am I wrong for not wanting it to me and DS?

I don’t think it’s realistic for me and DS to join the trip as while it’s only to the Mediterranean, he won’t have had his jabs by then. Plus I’ll be figuring the whole motherhood thing out, flying sound a pain etc. so doesn’t seem practical…

Thanks for reading/ reading this far. I probably haven’t explained it very well.

OP posts:
Hallowedsoon · 25/04/2023 17:59

You shouldn't be left at that stage, no.

But you do sound like your circumstances could afford a maternity/night nurse so if it does go ahead, make sure that is part of the plan. And you'll need her for the week prior to get settled in.

greyhairnomore · 25/04/2023 18:01

Botw1 · 25/04/2023 17:30

Why can't you go with them?

She's explained that.

toomuchlaundry · 25/04/2023 18:05

How often does your DH see his DD? Is his time with DD mainly involve holidays? How much annual leave does he get?

Original poster
PineappleDance · 25/04/2023 18:11

Thanks @toomuchlaundry DSC is with us every other weekend, and Tuesday after school. Then holidays are shared 50/50.

Know this isn’t enough and hoping that as DSC gets older and starts secondary school they will be with us more (as they’ll have a bit more autonomy)

50/50 would be ideal, for a nice family dynamic and I think it would be good for DS. But it’s up to DSC to know what they want to do / feel comfortable with.

OP posts:
Ringmaster27 · 25/04/2023 18:11

So…I have dealt with being thrown in at the deep end very soon after having a baby. My exH was sent to Iraq for 6 months when our second DC was 16 days old and DC1 was almost 17 months old.
It’s not nice and I felt like I would drown at times, but you find your way, because you have no choice. That doesn’t make it ok, but that was a part of his job we just had to accept.
The difference is, my ExH wasn’t choosing to leave me alone with a newborn and a toddler to go off on holiday. Your DH is being pretty tone deaf. Was he not around during the immediate post-partum period when his older child was born? If he was, then he must know how physically and emotionally vunerable most new mothers are at that time? 🤔 I’d be raging. Even if you have the most straightforward, textbook birth that happens bag on time, a month in you’ll still be learning the ropes, likely be very sleep deprived, and still very much swimming in the delightful hormone casserole that fucks with your emotions like I never knew possible! You need your support system. And it sounds like for you, that’s your DH! He needs to give his head a wobble

EggInANest · 25/04/2023 18:12

I can understand your DH wanting to spend quality time alone with his Dc - but as you say he will have time at the half term before your baby is born, and in October.

Completely reasonable for you not to want him to disappear abroad for a week. Your baby might be a week or 10 days late, for a start.

And where I live it can take 2 weeks to get an appointment to register the birth, an without that you can't get baby's passport...and it will be peak passport season and the passport office are on strike (I know they SAY it isn't causing delays but...), so even if you felt confident, well and fit enough to go along, it isn't a practical plan.

It's shit.

He shouldn't WANT to leave his tiny newborn and his wife for a week. My children's father could barely bear to go to work in the early days, just didn't want to be separated. OK, your DH has loyalty to his first child, but he can be with them at home.

lanthanum · 25/04/2023 18:13

It sounds like the biggest problem is that DSD is used to a summer holiday with her "summer friends" each year, and that's what will be different if they don't go then. She may feel some resentment towards the new baby if she misses out on what she sees as an annual fixture. Can DH's mother be persuaded to take her, so that he doesn't need to go? (Or maybe he makes a short trip to take her/pick her up if his mother will be there for longer.)

I agree that abandoning you for a week would be rotten, but on the other hand you don't want to be the evil stepmother!

PissTakeSubstitution · 25/04/2023 18:16

YANBU. My main concern would be recovery time from any birth injuries. Doing it alone is hard enough but add a bad tear or c-section and it’s pretty soul destroying.

Also, wouldn’t you need a passport to take the baby abroad? I’m not sure how quickly you could turn that around even if you did want to go.

curlywhirled · 25/04/2023 18:18

Keep a record of what they've done, dates and times and if relevant photo evidence.

If they keep at you when you're promoted take action then.

It's not clique behaviour as people can be cliquey without being mean. This is bullying!

LokiGodOfMischief · 25/04/2023 18:18

That would be a no from me. What if your baby hasn't arrived yet? Also you'll be recovering. He sounds like a right sausage. It shouldn't even be a suggestion, definitely not when he's proposing anyway.

BurbageBrook · 25/04/2023 18:19

YANBU at ALL. Ordinarily of course he should go, but right after his newborn arrives is ridiculous. If you go overdue baby may be a week or two old when he leaves!

CatOnTheChair · 25/04/2023 18:36

YANBU, and I say that as the wife of a husband who got sent away on a project M-F when DS2 was 6 weeks old (for a year).
Your May and October half term suggestions are perfectly suitable alternatives. If it was a wedding or similar one off event, I'd say you'd be fine and he should go for a long weekend. But just for a holiday, this summer isn't really suitable

Blizzard23 · 25/04/2023 18:42

Hell no.

I would no way agree to that, it is a hard no from me.

Time to draw up your boundaries now, big pants on, foot down or you and your dc will have a life time of coming at the bottom of his priority list.

maddy68 · 25/04/2023 18:45

LaLaLouella · 25/04/2023 17:19

Leaving you alone with a tiny newborn for a week so he can have a holiday in the sun with his son?

Fuck that shit - you need him with you to look after his baby, and possibly you!

He and His DS can go on holiday for a week in the October half term holiday.

Yup. This

Gcsunnyside23 · 25/04/2023 19:32

Def YANBU, hopefully when you have a chat and explain your reservations he will realise this also. I would point out that if a 'what ifs' happens e.g you go overdue, have a c section, etc and he can't then go that it could make the older child really resentful that they miss that holiday and of those situations happen and he still goes then you will be very resentful

Ineedaholidaynowplease · 25/04/2023 20:00

Why would he want to leave his tiny new baby ? Can you even comprehend wanting to leave your newborn. Some men really don't give a shit do they. Honestly, the fact he even thinks that's ok at such a special time for you would really upset me if that was my DH

Ineedaholidaynowplease · 25/04/2023 20:05

And his attempt to offload his responsibilities to your Mum don't make him sound great either. I get that he wants to holiday with DSC, but there are going to be many many other times for that. Fucking off and leaving your wife with your weeks old baby isn't one of them

trampoline123 · 25/04/2023 20:08

YANBU at all - it's crazy to plan something like that now, anything could happen during the birth.

My partner had to work away for 4 nights not long after we bought our preemie home and I was so nervous. It was actually quite nice, we literally just stayed in bed and I didn't see anyone and it was just nice and chill.

BananaBlue · 25/04/2023 20:29

What’s the rest of your relationship like?

for me, the sheer fact that he considered this would be a red flag, I’d be hurt that he wanted to leave me and our tiny baby when the four of you could be together.

Even if you and baby are tickety boo after birth, he wants to be away for a week?

In my mind it doesn’t matter whether he goes or not now, the damage has been done already.

He’s done this before, presumably he knows how difficult and amazing the first few weeks are?

Goodoccasionallypoor · 25/04/2023 21:31

Can your MIL take the 11 year old for a week and your husband fly over for a couple of nights (or, preferably not at all)?

Original poster
PineappleDance · 25/04/2023 21:43

@Goodoccasionallypoor Mmm well, possible although a bit tricky. MIL lives abroad, the holiday home is a 3-4 hour train ride away from where she lives in the capital. All doable in theory. But she’s 77 (or 78) so I’d feel kind of bad for her looking after an 11 year old solo. Steep climb down to the beach and back. DH usually runs them in the car

OP posts:
BatshitCrazyWoman · 25/04/2023 21:47

My first baby was quite ill when born, needed life saving surgery at about 3 weeks old, and was still in paediatric ITU at a month old. We had no idea before the birth. You have no idea what might happen, with you or the baby.

So I think your DH is being a dick.

Grumpy34 · 25/04/2023 21:50

Sounds like you're about to find out my marriage no.1 didn't work. He's a selfish twat. This does not bode well for your future together at all.

Panteranoir · 25/04/2023 22:00

Grumpy34 · 25/04/2023 21:50

Sounds like you're about to find out my marriage no.1 didn't work. He's a selfish twat. This does not bode well for your future together at all.

This is what I thought. No wonder he has one broken marriage under his belt!

There's no way he should be considering this plan and certainly shouldn't want to leave you and baby alone.

Really self centered of him.

Putyourdamnshoeson · 25/04/2023 22:05

My parents booked a flight to visit us, for 2 weeks after my due date with my first child. I told them not to, as I might go over. Of course they did it anyway 'because women in our family are always early' we are not by the way. I certainly wasn't, with 14 days overdue, natural start, followed by emc. I was then in hospital for 3 days, with ward closed to all but spouses due to a bug or virus. So they only got to see us for a couple of days. It also meant that we didn't have the magical bonding time and I was trying to establish breastfeeding, around my parents, who are from a country with even lower rates than England.
Best laid plans and all. I was so tired I fell down the stairs holding the baby, luckily she was fine, I essentially held her like a student holds a pint when they fall.

I couldn't drive. I had no idea how much you bleed post partum. I got horrendous blues, which led to PND.

He's being an arse