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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DH to go away on holiday for a week in the first month of our baby arriving?

109 replies

PineappleDance · 25/04/2023 17:16

Hello,

Just wanted to know what other people make of this situation.

I’m expecting my first baby at the very end of July with DH. We’ve been together for 3.5 years. He has a DC from his first marriage, so I have a DSC, 11. We get on well even though they weren’t that happy to hear about our news, which is completely understandable as the baby will be their only sibling. It is a huge age gap. I have tried to be sensitive to their feelings about this.

Also, I am very supportive of them and DH spending quality time together - by themselves, as part of the wider family and so on. With the baby arriving I also encourage it as I want everyone to be happy and feel alright about things. I promise that’s not what this is about.

DH wants to take his DC away for one week in August to their family holiday home. No other family will be there - apart from possibly grandma (my DH’s mum). This happens every year, but for a longer, extended break usually. This is to give DC a break in the sun and to go to the beach, and so that they can see their summer friends (that have a house in the same area too)

DSC mother (DH’s ex wife) will also take DSC away on a separate trip away during the holidays (usually south of France). To date there have been loads of holidays abroad this year (3 since New Years and one next week with the school strike coming up)so it’s not like this is the only opportunity to go away for fun.

Am I wrong for feeling anxious and down about this proposal? To be left alone with a new born, if only for a week? I know single mothers cope with a lot more and do an amazing job, so I should be fine, but I feel quite resentful of my DH to think he’s even considering going away within the first month of our baby arriving. I’m planning for a traditional birth, but what if I have to have an emergency c-section, or there are other complications like our DS being unwell, or I have PND? It just doesn’t feel right to me.

DH has suggested that my mum come and stay with us for the week (we’re in London, she’s on the south coast but is only an hour away by train) but I don’t like this as solution for two reasons. Firstly, my mum and I aren’t that close and we don’t always see eye to eye. Secondly my parents are carers to my older disabled brother (albeit part time, but they’re always on call to provide cover if the care system has staff shortages). Doesn’t seem fair on any of them either.

DH and his DC will be going to the holiday home for the next half term break, most likely. And I have suggested they go again during the October half term break too so that DSC can go to the holiday home. But DH husband seems to be pushing a summer trip too as it will be high season and so the only time when her friends will be there (there’s two of them, a brother and sister). Can I say…I don’t give a damn. I want DS to be with his dad in the early weeks and in the first month at least.

I guess if he had a job that required a lot of travel abroad he would be expected to get back to this once paternity leave ends (probably not an entire week tho), so maybe I am beyond unreasonable…

It feels like someone is going to be short changed by however this plays out. Am I wrong for not wanting it to me and DS?

I don’t think it’s realistic for me and DS to join the trip as while it’s only to the Mediterranean, he won’t have had his jabs by then. Plus I’ll be figuring the whole motherhood thing out, flying sound a pain etc. so doesn’t seem practical…

Thanks for reading/ reading this far. I probably haven’t explained it very well.

OP posts:
LaLaLouella · 25/04/2023 17:19

Leaving you alone with a tiny newborn for a week so he can have a holiday in the sun with his son?

Fuck that shit - you need him with you to look after his baby, and possibly you!

He and His DS can go on holiday for a week in the October half term holiday.

GeraltsBathtub · 25/04/2023 17:19

YANBU at all. DH will have two kids at that point and needs to balance both their needs - and a newborn will need his attention more than DSD needs a holiday with him that particular week. Can grandma take her instead?

flossypots · 25/04/2023 17:20

I'd not be happy either tbh especially for your first. Who knows how you'll be feeling or how baby will be. If DSC are having other holidays in the summer, I don't see why your DH can't wait until the next school break to take them. SP aren't often prioritised but I'd say this is an occasion where you should be.

Suzannargh · 25/04/2023 17:20

YANBU. Is he open to going for a long weekend instead? And prepared to cancel it altogether if something goes wrong?

GalaApples · 25/04/2023 17:21

YANBU Your DH needs to adapt to the new situation and prioritise you and your baby on this occasion. The other DC will cope with a differently scheduled holiday, and probably won't even notice the slightly different time of year. I hope your DH has your back in other ways too at this time. You sound very nice and caring about his DC and making a happy family for everyone. Good luck,.

OnlyFannys · 25/04/2023 17:22

No YANBU and I say that as one of the single mums you mentioned who didnt have a DP around, it's one thing to be alone at the start with a newborn for the first time out of necessity but it's an entirely different thing for your DP to opt out at such a difficult time. He needs to be supporting you and taking care of his child

Spiderboy · 25/04/2023 17:25

That’s a piss take. I could go on about what if you’re overdue? What if you are recovering from surgery? Stitches? But even if baby came seemlessly it is beyond shitty to leave you and baby so soon when his support will be needed. Who does that, seriously?

billy1966 · 25/04/2023 17:26

OP, YANBU.

Unfortunately it sounds like you are having a child with a twat.

I suggest you read up on the step parenting threads of whats likely ahead of you.

Keep that job of yours.

Undethetree · 25/04/2023 17:27

Ugh YANBU this is probably why his last relationship ended.

Nevermind31 · 25/04/2023 17:30

He should use his annual leave to spend time and bond with baby… his holidays need to accommodate both his children

Botw1 · 25/04/2023 17:30

Why can't you go with them?

somuchtolearnabout · 25/04/2023 17:30

Oh fuck no. Not a chance. And I am VERY laid back, DH goes on regular holidays with his friends (we have 2 under 4 and due #3 in July) and even I wouldn't be having that. This is your first baby? Don't underestimate how hard you may find those first few months. And don't let him underestimate it either.

Dyrne · 25/04/2023 17:33

That would be completely unacceptable to me.

it’s important to reinforce relationships with older siblings once a new sibling comes along and you do need to make time for them; but there is a wide spectrum between “ignoring in favour of new child” and “fucking off for one quarter of the new baby’s life leaving still-healing spouse to cope alone”.

is there something else special that he can make sure he does with his DC instead during that time? It may actually be more impactful on his son, for example, if rather than taking 5 days off at once, he takes one day a week off for 5 weeks over the summer, to take his son out to an activity just the two of them for a couple of hours of the day.

This means he’s still able to bond with baby and help you while still making time for his first DC (although I hate using the term “helping” when it’s actually that he needs to take responsibility for parenting his own damn child!)

I wonder if it’s actually sunk in for him that he’s having another child? His DC is here now and so he’s prioritising them. He seems to be viewing his holiday purely in terms of “helping you” rather than the fact he’ll have missed out on bonding with his newborn son for literally one quarter of their life.

ImAGoodPerson · 25/04/2023 17:34

DH might have done a weekend away at that point if it was for a specific occasion where the date was set but absolutely no way for this when he could decide the dates etc.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/04/2023 17:35

It's no surprise your husband has an ex-wife. I bet she has some stories to tell. What an insufferable twat. It's shocking that he would even think to do this.

DustyLee123 · 25/04/2023 17:35

At least you know where you and your child come in his priorities.
But my DH did go away for work when my first was 3 days old, I cried as he left. If it happens to you, all you need to do is make sure you and baby are warm, clean and fed. Anything else you manage is a bonus.

QuickGuide · 25/04/2023 17:36

I can understand why he doesn't want to change the usual routine with DC, it's hard on any sibling when a new baby arrives and harder still when it's a step sibling, but he needs to find another way to reassure his DC.

Is it possible DC could go and stay with the friends?

HermioneWeasley · 25/04/2023 17:37

In the first month, you will still be bleeding. If you have a c section you might still not be able to drive or lift things. If your scar gets infected it might take even longer to heal.

absolutely fucking not.

amylou8 · 25/04/2023 17:39

YANBU absolutely not acceptable. His son is old enough to understand that this year the trip needs to be rescheduled/postponed and why.

GeraltsBathtub · 25/04/2023 17:39

Botw1 · 25/04/2023 17:30

Why can't you go with them?

It says right there in the OP that she is concerned that baby won’t have had his jabs. But there’s also organising a passport for him within a couple of weeks and the fact that she might not feel up to travelling depending on how the birth goes.

Original poster
PineappleDance · 25/04/2023 17:41

Thanks everyone - such nice and warm responses. Makes me feel I’m not mad also.

I’ll have a calm chat with him later on and see what we can do. To the person suggesting a long weekend away, I would be open to that potentially. But definitely not a whole week 😔

OP posts:
lunar1 · 25/04/2023 17:44

I'm pretty relaxed about my husband having to be away at really inconvenient times on the scale of things. But your baby could be two weeks late! You could need a section, and to be honest the list of what ifs is endless when you are expecting a baby.

He needs to find a more suitable date!

Temporaryname158 · 25/04/2023 17:46

I am very relaxed and an avid traveller. I took my baby to an all day wedding at 9 days old.

I wouldn’t be having any of this! If you deliver in your due date you won’t be in any fit state to travel on a plane and that’s if you can even get a passport that quickly for the baby.

what if you go overdue by 2 weeks? Will he leave you with a 2 week old.

you need to have a sit down with him and explain that in no uncertain terms if he gets on that plane he shouldn’t come back. That might sound dramatic but he is literally sticking 2 fingers up at you and your child leaving you to struggle, have sleepless nights and soley care for your new baby whilst he swans off for a bit of sun!

do not be sidelined by the tale of woe about the other family they met up with. They can meet up with them next year. If they are that good a friends visit them some other time not at the holiday home. Your step child will have to adapt and on this occasion putting you are the bottom of the priority list is wrong.

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 25/04/2023 17:48

Another one who thinks YANBU. What is the baby is overdue and/or you need a section etc. or a situation arose which meant he had to cancel at the last minute? I think it would be much worse for your DSC and family harmony if a much looked forward to holiday was cancelled at the last minute because of a new baby sibling (in their eyes). Much better to arrange a different time altogether.

ClementWeatherToday · 25/04/2023 17:52

DON'T suggest a long weekend instead. If he hadn't already suggested a week then it might be reasonable to suggest a long weekend. But he thinks a week is reasonable. You need to pull your boundaries much further back to counterbalance his ridiculousness.