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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say thank you after dinner party specifically thrown for me?

113 replies

Ginnyfromtheblock · 25/04/2023 13:21

If someone throws a dinner party in your honour eg. You're newly married and they want to have you over with your in laws, or it's your birthday and they'd like to throw you a little party.. once that is over, would you phone the host to say thank you? or send a thank you card afterwards? Or would you say thank you on the night and not contact them again?

YANBU - it's enough drawing thanks on the night and getting in touch with the host after that night
YABU - you should phone after the event to reinforce your thanks or send a thank you card

OP posts:
PuffinPuffinPenguin · 25/04/2023 13:23

YANBU. It's enough to say thanks on the night. It's not a good deed or a favour if you're expected to throw yourself on the ground and chant "we're not worthy" every time you see the person who did the thing forevermore IME.

Original poster
Ginnyfromtheblock · 25/04/2023 13:23

YANBU - it's enough saying thanks on the night and NOT getting in touch with the host after that night
YABU - you should phone after the event to reinforce your thanks or send a thank you card

OP posts:
NBLarsen · 25/04/2023 13:24

For an occasion like that, arranged in my honour, I would say thank you on the night and then follow up with flowers and a card ideally the next day or very soon after.

If it was more a regular dinner that I was invited to (as in, not in my honour), I'd say thank you on the night and follow up with a phone call next day.

rubyslippers · 25/04/2023 13:24

If someone had done that, I’d take a bottle of something or flowers on the night
I may also message the next day but would think thanks on the night was sufficient

PuffinPuffinPenguin · 25/04/2023 13:25

I think your thread title doesn't match your preferred voting options and I think some people are getting confused. Or maybe they like the "we're not worthy dance". One or the other.

Original poster
Ginnyfromtheblock · 25/04/2023 13:25

PuffinPuffinPenguin · 25/04/2023 13:25

I think your thread title doesn't match your preferred voting options and I think some people are getting confused. Or maybe they like the "we're not worthy dance". One or the other.

Yes I've seen my error but don't know how to correct 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
ZacharinaQuack · 25/04/2023 13:25

I would send a thank you card. Someone's thrown a party for me, why would I not spend £3 and about 1 minute of effort to show that I appreciated it?

ZacharinaQuack · 25/04/2023 13:26

I wouldn't get offended (or even notice) if I was the host and they didn't though.

Original poster
Ginnyfromtheblock · 25/04/2023 13:27

My DH says it's not English culture to say thanks afterwards and it's my foreign culture (I was raised in England but parents come from another culture) and I think it's normal in English culture to say thank you afterwards additionally

OP posts:
Clymene · 25/04/2023 13:29

I think a card or something is nice if someone has gone above and beyond but I have someone in my life who sends cards at the drop of a hat and it's really annoying Grin

mumonthehill · 25/04/2023 13:30

If we go to a friends or family for a meal I will always text, email or phone to say thank you for a nice evening.

NBLarsen · 25/04/2023 13:30

I think it definitely is English culture to say thank you afterwards! But I also think (and no doubt I'll get piled on for saying it) there is a generational difference in approach.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 25/04/2023 13:31

A thank you on the night and a gift for the host would be enough imo. I would likely also send a text message after to say what a nice time i had and thanks again.

SkaneTos · 25/04/2023 13:31

mumonthehill · 25/04/2023 13:30

If we go to a friends or family for a meal I will always text, email or phone to say thank you for a nice evening.

I agree with this!

HeddaGarbled · 25/04/2023 13:32

Depends: if it was my mum, I wouldn’t follow it up with a written thank you, but if it was a newish acquaintance, I would. Actually, even with my mum, I might follow up with a text or phone call just saying “thanks for dinner last night”.

museumum · 25/04/2023 13:34

I would probably send a text afterwards. I don’t really send cards. To the PP who said it was 1 min of effort I certainly can’t get to a card shop, somewhere selling stamps and a post box all within 1 minute!!

shivawn · 25/04/2023 13:35

I wouldn't be waiting for a call or card after the event. A thank you on the night would be more than enough for me. If I was organising something for someone it would be to celebrate them not for the thanks.

Waterfallgirl · 25/04/2023 13:38

Ginnyfromtheblock · 25/04/2023 13:27

My DH says it's not English culture to say thanks afterwards and it's my foreign culture (I was raised in England but parents come from another culture) and I think it's normal in English culture to say thank you afterwards additionally

Saying thank you isn't about ‘culture’.
I’m English and in this case, if the event was thrown in my honour I would definitely follow up with a card/flowers afterwards.

I know many who wouldn’t - it’s just who you are and how you were brought up I suppose.

ZacharinaQuack · 25/04/2023 13:39

museumum · 25/04/2023 13:34

I would probably send a text afterwards. I don’t really send cards. To the PP who said it was 1 min of effort I certainly can’t get to a card shop, somewhere selling stamps and a post box all within 1 minute!!

Ah - fair enough! I was thinking of the writing the card part. But then I have a stash of cards, stamps in my purse, and pass the postbox every time I walk the dog.

ZacharinaQuack · 25/04/2023 13:40

I also think it is part of British culture to send thank you notes, though not everyone does. But even if your DH were right, and people are not expecting a thank you, pretty much everyone likes getting one. So you can't lose really.

ReadersD1gest · 25/04/2023 13:40

Ginnyfromtheblock · 25/04/2023 13:27

My DH says it's not English culture to say thanks afterwards and it's my foreign culture (I was raised in England but parents come from another culture) and I think it's normal in English culture to say thank you afterwards additionally

Not English culture? Confused. I think he may lack manners, rather than be highly cultured, somehow...

ArcticSkewer · 25/04/2023 13:42

Oh God I really wish people wouldn't do stuff like this then get grumpy if they don't get the requisite thank yous at the right time. People are so stressful.

I would say thank you on the night and that's it. Frankly I would rather not bother at all if I thought the other person was going to be a martyr about it. I don't think there's a culture of having to extend the thank yous beyond the event in question, although some people no doubt do, and it may be both a class and generation thing. My elderly aunt, vicar's wife, would be sending a handwritten note chosen specially for the occasion.

Throwing a dinner party in someone's honour is in itself an old-fashioned thing to do - seeking public praise by piggy backing someone else's special day. I'm not sure if they should be thanking you or you thanking them for attending as the guest of honour.

Bunda · 25/04/2023 13:42

Maybe they're organising a gift that's not got to you yet. That's defo hamper/flowers worthy.

MichelleScarn · 25/04/2023 13:44

A thank you on the night is enough. Did the host decide on their own to have the dinner party?
Did they do it because they wanted to do something nice or as pp because they love the 'you're so great and kind, we're not worthy dance'?

CantFindTheBeat · 25/04/2023 13:44

If we go to a friend for drinks or dinner, or a party, I always send a WhatsApp message the next morning, thanking them for a lovely evening or event.

If someone hosted something in my honour, I would likely send flowers after.

I generally don't do cards, but I do do thanks.