To ask why some MNers are so against helping out families with young children?

[traytablestowed]

That really. I sense it's been done to death on here but nonetheless, I am interested to hear from retired people who don't help out with their grandchildren - why not? As a parent who has been surprised by the lack of support from my own family, I'm actually curious to hear all points of view - all comments welcome and I'm not looking for a fight here.

Maybe it depends on how much help they received when they had kids.

As a child, I was looked after by my grandparents a lot. They picked us up from school regularly and had us for sleep overs as kids. I loved it. Same with DH when he was a child with his Nan.

I didn't ask, but when I was taking about looking for nursery places, both sets of grandparents offered to do a few days each and I was so pleased because my kids would get to enjoy that same experience that we did with grandparents.

We've always had the understanding that they are free to travel and do other stuff too. The kids to go art galleries with them if there's an exhibit they want to see. Or I will take some annual leave off if they want a holiday, but it works really well. I've offered to pay childminder rates to them, but they wouldn't accept it.

When/if my kids have kids, I will 100% offer to look after them a few days a week as well. I don't think anyone should be expected to provide childcare, I just find it hard to believe that grandparents don't want to. It makes kids seem like a burden but maybe thats just me.

I'm so lucky, both sets of grandparents are involved as much as they can be and they've really helped me out whilst doing my degree, I don't know what I'd of done without them.

I find it odd personally that people wouldn't want to help but that's because my grandparents were also so supportive so I've never known any different

I take the children during school holidays. They come to stay and we have great fun but the term times are for me to do what i like. Why do you think OP that a 70 year old should be dong childcare every week ?

Perhaps because people like me will now retire at 67, longing for a bit of peace and freedom. Unlike generations ago when women rarely worked full time and collected a pension at 60.
Also, the age of being a grandparent has increased. My mother was not unusual being a grandmother in her early 50s. There's a lot of difference between 50s and 60s in terms of stamina.

My parents had me late and I'm having my second baby at 42. I'm going to be too old to do childcare! I'm going to be 60 when my daughter is 18 😂 Unreasonable to expect childcare from geriatros

I don't think that. That bears no resemblance to what I think, or indeed what I said.

Times have changed.

Back then, women may not have had high-pressure jobs, worked part-time, and retired a lot earlier. The retirement age has increased to 67 and not everyone has made adequate provision. Many may still be working to pay off their mortgage or even heating bills.

Women having children later.

Not everyone lives close to their children and grandchildren.

If grandparents are fit & healthy & wealthy enough & have the inclination to provide childcare then winner winner.

My closest friend has two DGC and one arriving very soon. The newest will be delivered next month, and they live overseas. But she and GP are both young 60s, they love having the grandkids, but they are very pleased to see mum or dad arriving to take them home, too. Kids are 3 and 5. It's a lovely relationship on both sides, but there are no big health problems that make the responsibility burdensome, on either side.

Thanks everyone for the replies, I appreciate the varied perspectives

On the flipside of that, my in laws have practically planned it all out now they know I'm pregnant: we're moving near to them (we aren't), I'm able to go back to work after six months (I'm not), and they'll do the childcare thereafter (I know THEY won't actually do this, there would be lots of occasions they'd drop the responsibility). But wait! If they're not available, their friends will be. It's OK, my parents can drop by occasionally.

Quite apart from the fact that I'm not going through all this pregnancy crap so they can play mummy and daddy again, if I were relying on this much childcare, I would want more of a say in it.

Frequent but unregimented social visits are much better for all concerned in such scenarios.

We're moving near to my parents. Because they aren't batshit and pushy.

I suppose I'm a bad Nanny. I do love 150 miles away from my dd and 2 dgs's. When eldest DHS who is now 7 was a toddler my health was better and I took time off from work and went down to look after dgs when he had chicken pox so my dd could remain in work. I went to stay with DD when second dgs was born for a week and batch cooked lasagne, spaghetti Bolognese, Shepherds Pie and Quiche and filled her freezer up with them so she had it easier once I went home. Now I've semi retired and my health is not so good I don't see them very often. Usually once over Xmas when they come to me and once over summer when I visit them. I do help out financially though. I helped my dd pay nursery fees because I feel guilty I'm not around to help her more. Today I rang and told her to pick them both a new pair of shoes and text me how much and I'll put money into her account to pay for them. I gift all of my 3 DC £500 twice a year. I wish I could see them more. I know I'm missing out on dgs growing up and I know I'm unlikely to have any more dgc as both of my son's say they don't want any children. I feel like a bad Nanny. I know I'd always imagined I'd be more hands on but I'm also a Foster Carer to a child with complex additional needs and just can't go off and leave him.

@thecatsthecats it is easier to rely on your own parents. They raised you, presumably well, so there's immediate trust. Your in-laws, whose parenting you didn't experience first hand but who raised your partner to be the man you loved enough to get you pregnant, are yet to prove themselves to you. (I am assuming it is a mum here). But if they are too young or poor themselves to retire and help you out, will you be angry?

My parents are dead but they would have loved to have grandchildren to look after. I had DC after they died. PIL live 5 minutes walk away. They do loads to help us- will collect DC from school/nursery if we can't, have them at their house, feed them, babysit at ours, like to take them out and spend time doing things with them. But they very much have their own lives- lots of interests and are pretty busy. We try not to put on them- school holidays are all us. Weekends we try not to ask them. If one of us can do it we do, even if it's not easily done.
It's help with DC, would never expect help in the house or anything.

I think the difference is, our grandparents were young when we were born as people had children when they were late teens/early 20s.

So Nan looking after us as kids, she was still in her 40s and probably didn't work.

Now, our parents are having to work longer, and they were probably that bit older when they became GPs.

Liklihood is, when our generation becomes GP we'll probably be tipping mid 60s and barely finished working full time.

DH and I are wanting to spend our retirement when we get there, travelling. We spent our younger years raising our kids, worrying about money, both working full time. We will have earned that rest. Emergency childcare yes, regular childcare no chance.

I do feel guilty because when I had my children small both my parents were fantastic with them. They looked after both DC 2 mornings each week whilst I worked. My Dad, who had just retired, took them to the park and played football with them. My Mum did baking with them. My sister looked after them 1 morning a week too. She took them swimming each week. I had a lot of help with my children because my parents and siblings and also Aunties and Uncles all lived close by. My Aunty would drop by and take them out to children's cinema on a Saturday morning or to a summer fete. I'd help my dd with dgc a lot more if they lived much closer.

I would assume because they don't want to! And some of us didn't have any help as I lived too far away from family

I do it, partly because I don't mind, partly because if I didn't they couldn't work and they need the money. And I have to share myself out to be as equal as possible between my children.

But I would be equally happy to just see them 'socially'

But I don't really think they should, I guess I'm just surprised that so many... don't seem to want to? I spent a lot of time with my GPs growing up and I loved it (I assumed they loved it to, but in hindsight - maybe not ). My parents and ILs benefitted from this family support. Why would they not want to do the same for their grown up children and their own grandchildren?

And to be fair, once in a while is fun. Every week, so many days, not so much

We're both in agreement that our parents sit at the opposite end of the spectrum for various things - strictness, healthy food, levels of fun. It's not an issue in that way at all.

What we both agree on and value is that my parents don't push themselves on us in an overbearing way. They come when invited, they invite us at our convenience. His family are totally different - they will go to your calendar and literally start writing things in for the coming year. (and it's not as if we don't see them plenty)

The mere fact that the in laws have decided to retire around the point that in their mind I would go back to work just confirms the fact that we both want to put a 150 mile arm's length from that level of intrusion! I mean, my husband is taking SPL for starters... They haven't even ASKED!

If they showed even a modicum of chill and respect, I'd feel sorry for them, but they brought it on themselves.

I just find it hard to believe that grandparents don't want to. It makes kids seem like a burden but maybe thats just me.

Caring for children is a burden, one that most people willing accept when they have children.

By the time I have grandchildren I’ll likely be just retired after 50 years of working life. I’ll also have spent 20 years caring for two children with additional support needs - who will need support into adulthood.

It’s ok that I may not then want to commit to regular childcare at that point, not because I don’t love my kids, and not because I don’t want to support them but because by that point I’ll be ready to have as full and healthy a retirement as I can manage. Happy to babysit, do overnights, have regular visits, but not to commit to daily childcare.

Surely you can understand someone not relishing the thought of doing the school run aged 70?

Probably because they've worked all their lives and raised their own families and now it's time for them. I've been clear with my kids that, if I'm lucky enough to be a grandparent, I'll happily help out with babysitting but definitely won't commit to regular childcare. Been there, done that.

I think it’s also important to remember that many grandparents are still working now as the retirement age is later. My own mum still works full time and is often on call when she isn’t in work.

As a stepgrandma I would happily help out, but I don’t because bio grandma has a fit and threatens to slash my tyres if I go anywhere near her DGC.

Think it depends. We are retired in our 50s snd help regularly with after school care but equally we have our own lives to lead and have raised 4 kids so we like to travel and do our own things. That's our right and

We have friends who are bloody knackered helping out with child care of fairly entitled adult kids and who are still working themselves.

It's lovely to help out but it's not a given. Everyone chooses ho have kids. It's the parents responsibility not the grandparents to provide free childcare on a regular basis it's a hell of s commitment and tiring

Well said. It’s all very well being ‘free’ and ‘independent’. But the same people find themselves free and independent, living a life of misery in care homes, getting the odd ritual visit from the kids, living out their last days with not a family member in sight, relying on total stranger for company.

My gran helped my mum and I will do the same it's family help.

Nope that's women's help.