To ask why some MNers are so against helping out families with young children?

[traytablestowed]

That really. I sense it's been done to death on here but nonetheless, I am interested to hear from retired people who don't help out with their grandchildren - why not? As a parent who has been surprised by the lack of support from my own family, I'm actually curious to hear all points of view - all comments welcome and I'm not looking for a fight here.

I do a lot of childcare for my DGC, ad hoc and one regular day a week. I also work full time. I love having them and have a great relationship with them as a result. However- it’s exhausting, and if I were honest, quite boring! When it’s your own children they tend to fit in with whatever you’re doing, when they’re not yours there is a lot of pressure to entertain/amuse/educate all the time, there’s only so many times you can read the same book over and over, push a swing etc. That said, they won’t be small for long and I would hate to have missed out on it, but I can understand why some grandparents don’t want the responsibility.

Big commitment then if you help one where does it end. My mam was zero help. I had get his sister to help when my waters broke. Some families are crap if Im honest!!! So be grateful if u get good help!! My mam was 60s when mine born

Hmm I think I’d be that annoying grandparent… I want to know my grandchildren and I’d step in to help out in an emergency, but I don’t want to regularly commit to babysitting little ones or having them overnight. It’s tiring and I’ve already done all that 2 times with my own dc. No thanks!

I think it’s unusual to live anywhere near grandparents. My DC’s grandparents are 250 miles away.

Both my parents are amazing with childcare and I will be with my own grandchildren too. I’m incredibly lucky and makes me sad when some of my friends don’t have the same support.

My parents didn't help and now we are estranged, I won't be there to help them in return.

My in laws are lovely people and help when they can, especially now we live 5 mins instead of 5 hours away. I'm also happy to help them now they are getting older.

I think it comes down to how much people get out of caring for kids. I love them and would fat rather be with children than go on a Saga holiday.

Squeezed middle. Having a child later than average meant we had child care and elder care responsibilities at the same time.

Whist friends had parents in their 50's who were happy to help them out, my child's local grandparent was in their 80's

I was very lucky as my parents adored having my child whilst I was working, plus overnight stays etc. In fact before we even started to try for a baby, I checked with my parents to see if they would be happy to mind the baby when I returned to work (part time job) and they couldn't wait! My 'baby' is all grown up now, and sadly my parents have passed away, my dad when child was young, but the bond between my mum and now adult child was so very, very strong, so much so she was considered the 3rd parent (my child's own words).

I had my child young. He is now a young adult and I am still of an age I could potentially have another baby. However, after 21 years of being a parent, juggling jobs etc, I am now in a position to earn more money, have nice holidays etc.

So in my eyes, I've done all of the hard part, why would I want to continue that responsibility if my child was to have a baby? Even if I was older, and retired, I'd see it as my time to enjoy life on a different level without that responsibility.

I never expected my parents to take on any childcare for the same reasons. That was their time after raising me all those years.

We all have a great relationship, so it has nothing to do with that.

If my child had a baby, I'd love it and have the odd overnight on my terms, and help out in emergencies. But that's all.

Think of how tiring it is for you now? Do you honestly believe you'd want to continue childcare for your own future grandchildren? It's even harder as you age. Also, so easy to say you would now, but you have no idea how you will feel in terms of energy when you are older.

I think we should be clear is that a lot of the expectation is on women.
to be mothers and then grandmother and caring daughters etc. so many caring responsibilities expected of women it’s a bit shit.

we see on here so many women are tired of the constant mental load and imagine the thought of that obligation continuing after all your children are grown.

do we have the same expectation of grandfathers alone? To provide weekly childcare? It’s the everlasting woman’s burden.

I’m in my 60s, and everything that’s been said about tiredness and not being able to juggle several things at once like I did in my 40s is true.
Another issue is boundaries, and the difficulty of keeping them clear with relatives. Help out a bit, help out some more, then the creeping expectations means you are taking on increasing amounts and can’t say no. Not without drama and unwillingness to compromise being huge features.
Some parents are impossibly demanding about how you look after their child, which really wasn’t a thing in the 60s and 70s for most. Lists of demands and arguments if any deviation occurs that wasn’t double-checked before being actioned.
Everyone wants you to make them your priority.
When does the pressure of duty and obligation to others stop?
When is it my time, in the way I had as a student or as a free individual in my early 20s?

It’s the everlasting woman’s burden.

Somewhere it got lost, but there used to be a campaign for a homeworkers wage. If you work out what women save capitalism, you'd be up for revolution tomorrow!

I don't want kids but my parents were always very clear that they wouldn't be providing regular childcare - and good for them. They've done their parenting - why shouldn't they enjoy their retirement without the restrictions that come with providing regular childcare?

If you want to have children, you should provide for them yourself. Yes, it's nice if parents can offer some occasional help - emergency cover, or maybe the odd evening so you can go out as a couple, or a sleepover once a month, but I think anyone that expects more than that is a real cheeky fucker, to be quite honest.

Some of the threads on here where people complain that their parents won't provide regular childcare, or take the kids for the weekend really shock me - I can't imagine ever being so demanding of my parents time.

Ours offered but we politely declined for several reasons.

1. I like that there is a firm professional line drawn at nursery, if I have any issues I don't have to worry about a family member taking it personally and sulking at the weekend over Sunday lunch.
2. Nurseries etc are required to follow the EYFS.
3. They are happy to have him for sleepovers every month or so and I'd feel like I was taking advantage if they also looked after him for childcare. I like that they can just be the ''fun'' Grandparents.
4. I wouldn't want them to start and then regret it but feel like they couldn't and ultimately, resent us and/or the baby.
5. Ultimately, it felt like too big an ask, even with the offer and even if it was just for a few days. It would've felt like taking advantage.

Sorry, 4 should say ''and then regret it but feel like they couldn't say anything and ultimately, resent us and/or the baby''.

I don’t really understand it, my grandmother helped with us and my brother and SIL and the other set of grandparents all pitch in. They’re all tired but want to help as much as they can to give my niece and her husband a good start in their new marriage and with their infant,

I live in the Welsh valleys and it's unusual not to live near grandparents here!

@BlueKaftan could you not try and understand something outside your own experience? There have been lots of explanations given on this thread.

I don't have kids. However my mum has helped out with all my DNs (ages 5 to 15) for at least three days a week, sometimes more, since they were very small.

I know she loves spending time with them but objectively, I can see how exhausted she gets. It's none of my business I know. My mum is a people pleaser and will never say no and I feel my siblings sometimes take advantage of this (maybe they don't see what I see? But my mum is late 70s, not in the best health and tends to fall asleep on the sofa immediately after the kids are picked up.

I do feel like it'd be nicer if she had a traditional fun granny relationship without the pressures of childcare. My siblings are well able to pay for childcare btw (and to reiterate, I do know it's not my business but I can't help worrying about my mum)

Im child free by choice and would never date a man with kids OR grown up kids because they may have their own kids and then its too easy to end up in this situation. It IS expected more of women than it is men even if the women are not blood related and the men are

There's already been a whole thread on this with almost 1000 posts, many people saying exactly why not. Why do you feel the need to rehash the same subject?

We didn't get any help from grandparents, but as grandparents ourselves did and do our fair share. . It amused me when my husband related this, when as a young father, he had children from a previous marriage and his parents were youngish and active. When he asked his mother to do an occasional bit of baby sitting she fired off this "you had them you look after them" true! but deeply unhelpful and although I quite liked his mother i wouldn't want to be that intransigent it wouldn't have killed either of them to do the odd bit here and there. However what really annoyed me was how he, being the eldest often had to look after younger siblings after school whilst his mother worked, although she didn't have to work from financial necessity she did that because she wanted to. I did say to him when she trotted out her unhelpful responses surely you should have said to her "you had my siblings, not me, but you still got me looking after them after school a bit of reciprocation wouldn't go amiss" I don't think previous generations were very hands on grandparents, mine certainly weren't.

Well, if I had grandchildren and was a Mumsnetter, I might well hesitate for fear of getting it wrong, not obeying instructions properly, "overstepping" "pretending I was the child's mother" undermining, not being available/being too available, offering to help/not offering to help-the list goes on.

I didn't see it to be honest. You didn't have to open this thread you know.

Oh, mumsnet is the Reality TV of internet message boards for sure :D