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Original poster

For leaving my DD at DM's all weekend?

107 replies

angiec89 · 24/04/2023 08:54

For context, DD is 10 and can be a nightmare. Never does what she's told, has behavioural issues at school and is often downright spiteful. DH is far better at handling her outbursts than me but this weekend he was away with friends. She was being horrible on Friday night, calling me a cow and a bitch, shouting and screaming, complete meltdown. With DS having GCSEs coming up I'm at my wit's end. So Saturday morning I drove her to DM's and left her. I didn't say when I was coming back but told DM I'd be back on Sunday night. DM was happy to have her, but DD was miserable all weekend feeling abandoned.
I feel terrible now, but it was the only thing I felt I could do at the time. I spent the weekend helping DS revise and sorting the house out, and by the time I picked her up I felt in a much better place. DD is now sulking and refusing school this morning.
Did I do the wrong thing?

OP posts:
audweb · 24/04/2023 08:56

my ten year old would struggle not knowing when I would come back. Why didn’t you just tell her? Having a break is not a bad thing but I’m failing to understand why you wouldn’t tell your child when you would come back for them? It’s ok to take space. But combined with you spending it with your DS and refusal to tell her when (if?!) you were coming to get her no wonder she feels that way.

the behaviour on the Friday is not acceptable though, but maybe it’s time to rethink how you deal with it.

Wenfy · 24/04/2023 08:58

You have 2 children to think of and GCSEs can be stressful even without a dc with SEN - I think you did the best you could. But this isn’t a long term solution. Is a child psychologist involved?

Indoorcatmum · 24/04/2023 08:58

No, you did the right thing.

She will now try to make you feel terribly guilty in order to manipulate you.

10 is old enough to realise that her parents are humans with feelings and that actions have consequences.

I would sit her down and explain that she is unpleasant to be around when she acts like that.

If she has trouble communicating then maybe a system of flashcards where she can hand them to you if she is feeling angry/stressed/overwhelmed BEFORE it leads to an outburst...

But the absolute worst thing you can do now is look weak and like you feel guilty for setting boundaries.

The only thing I will add is, I probably would have informed her when dropping her at your mum's that her behaviour is unacceptable and you'd be back on Sunday.

If she had no idea when you were coking back I can see that being scary for her.

But it's done now and you can't let her use it to justify a continuation of bad behaviour.

Soontobe60 · 24/04/2023 09:00

No.
You’ve reinforced her idea that life is shit at home, she probably thinks you dont love her. However, it’s what you do now thats important. Take the time to sit her down and have a conversation with her. Tell her why you did what you did. Listen to her - why does she get so overwhelmed? Also, discuss what can and cannot be tolerated and what the consequences will be -eg, if she swears at you, she will lose internet access for 1 night.

Seas164 · 24/04/2023 09:04

I get that you're finding her behaviour difficult but I get zero from your post that indicates you realise that you are not only 50% of the relationship, you are also the adult and leaving her indefinitely feeling abandoned was never ever going to improve the situation for either of you.

Mrsjayy · 24/04/2023 09:06

You probably did the right thing at the time but you reinforced that you can't cope with her around and that's why she is sulking. It sounds hard though and I don't really have

Mrsjayy · 24/04/2023 09:08

Any advice* is she OK at your mum's or is she the same with her?

UndercoverCop · 24/04/2023 09:09

Why didn't you just say, I've spoken to Grandma, your brother needs to work this weekend so you're going there, I will pick you up Sunday evening.
It feels cruel to not tell her.

Fromage · 24/04/2023 09:10

I can't imagine how stressful parenting your dd is, and as you say, you are at your wit's end. So I am going to assume you have tried all sorts of other methods to try to deal with dd's behaviour, and this was not a regular occurence.

I agree that she is old enough to have a discussion with, and see if she can explain her behaviour, and/or ask her how you and she can work together when she is overwhelmed/angry/upset.

I'm in no position to judge sending her to her grandmother's, I've no idea what I would do.

I hope you have managed to get her into school. I think outside help might be needed - how is she in school? Do you suspect any neurodivergent issues?

Hope you're ok too. Sounds like you need a hug.

Clymene · 24/04/2023 09:13

So you and your mum conspired not to tell your daughter when or if you'd collect her as a sort of mental punishment?

No, that's not okay. It's unspeakably cruel to deliberately cause your child psychological distress as a punishment.

Tiswa · 24/04/2023 09:14

I have a 10 year old who can be difficult and have complete meltdowns and can refuse school (was absent for 5 weeks at the end of last year) and it is incredibly difficult

but abandoning like that is only going to have made things worse. At the height of a meltdown I often do go for a walk but take my phone. The time I didn’t and he tried to contact me and I wasn’t there made everything worse.

you need to regroup now talk to her about what the underlying issues are particularly with school. It sounds as if she is masking a lot at school and it needs to come out. Dealing with those emotions and understanding them is a good first step

and remember she no more wants to be like this than you want her to. It’s not deliberate

thaegumathteth · 24/04/2023 09:14

Did you speak to her over the weekend? I think dropping her at your mums with no end point was deliberately mean tbh.

Remember she is 10, I know she is being awful and that's not ok but she is still just a kid.

What is your husband saying? In what way or why is he better at handling her?

MichelleScarn · 24/04/2023 09:15

Is she as horrible to dh and your dm? Calling them the horrible names and swearing at them?

Sissynova · 24/04/2023 09:16

You need to understand that your own actions have consequences in terms of her behaviour. At ten you can’t blame it all on her.
Yes leaving your 10 year old somewhere and not giving her any indication of whether she’s there for an hour or a week is cruel.

Divorcedalongtime · 24/04/2023 09:16

You know you’re meant to live them more when they are hard to live right? She needs to know she can count on you and that you will love her Jo matter what and you showed her the opposite.

I think you need to find out why she is behaving like this, not just ban the behaviour

bloodywhitecat · 24/04/2023 09:18

You did the wrong thing in not letting her know when you were returning for her but it wasn't wrong to take her to your mum's.

Thatnameistaken · 24/04/2023 09:20

She received a consequence for her actions, that's fine. She was safe, with someone she knows who was happy to have her.
Don't buckle, boundaries are a good thing. Do it again if you need to, it was an excellent solution

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/04/2023 09:24

Calling her reaction to what you did “sulking” is really out of order. She probably doesn’t want to go to school because she’s not sure you’ll pick her or be there when she gets home.

You’ve shown her you can’t cope when her dad isn’t there so you abandoned her instead.

You'd have been fine telling her you needed a break and she was having a weekend at grandma but the way you did it was awful.

It doesn’t tackle the cause of the behaviour or the behaviour, what punishment are you going to use next time?

She needs stability and security and she matters as much as her brother. Your actions show her the opposite.

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 24/04/2023 09:25

Meh, you did what you thought was best for everyone at the time. She is 10. that is old enough to realise she is not to behave so badly it affects others. DS is just as important as her, a family is a team not a supporting cast just for her.

Anonymouseposter · 24/04/2023 09:30

It depends how you did it. If you were angry and told her she was going to her Gran’s because you had had enough then that was unreasonable and just going to make your relationship worse. If you said her brother had to work and her Gran was looking forward to her staying for the weekend then it was a good idea to give you both a break. Not telling her when she was coming home was unreasonable. How is she with other people? It sounds as if things are difficult but as the adult you need to build a relationship where she wants to please you and knows you love her but you will also have clear consequences for unacceptable behaviour. I wouldn’t use going to stay with her Gran as a punishment, it will be helpful to you if she’s happy to go there to give you both some space.

Mariposista · 24/04/2023 09:36

Thatnameistaken · 24/04/2023 09:20

She received a consequence for her actions, that's fine. She was safe, with someone she knows who was happy to have her.
Don't buckle, boundaries are a good thing. Do it again if you need to, it was an excellent solution

This. She is 10, not 2. Perfectly old enough to have a bit of self control. She sounds very bratty. Your son needs to focus on his exams, without her throwing her weight around.

Summerfun54321 · 24/04/2023 09:36

Why did you not tell her when you were picking her up? To punish her emotionally and to feel like you've scored a point in your power struggle with her?

Absolutely fine for her to stay with your DM so your other DC could have some revision time and attention. Absolutely no reason for you not to explain this to your DD. To make a 10 year old feel abandoned is cruel.

7Worfs · 24/04/2023 09:48

I don’t understand this. Britain is the only country I lived in where it’s so common for children to swear at their parents and call them names. Even with SEN or difficult circumstances, that sort of disrespect just doesn’t happen in other cultures I’m familiar with.
The first time my child calls me a bitch the consequences will be so severe, they’ll think twice about doing it again.

Sunshineclouds11 · 24/04/2023 09:53

I find it pretty cruel to not tell her when your coming back and explaining why.
she’s hurt.

slowquickstep · 24/04/2023 10:02

Best thing you could have done, now let her sulk but don't ever back down. She knows exactly what she is doing. Time to be really tough or by 14 she will be totally out of control.