For leaving my DD at DM's all weekend?

[angiec89]

For context, DD is 10 and can be a nightmare. Never does what she's told, has behavioural issues at school and is often downright spiteful. DH is far better at handling her outbursts than me but this weekend he was away with friends. She was being horrible on Friday night, calling me a cow and a bitch, shouting and screaming, complete meltdown. With DS having GCSEs coming up I'm at my wit's end. So Saturday morning I drove her to DM's and left her. I didn't say when I was coming back but told DM I'd be back on Sunday night. DM was happy to have her, but DD was miserable all weekend feeling abandoned.
I feel terrible now, but it was the only thing I felt I could do at the time. I spent the weekend helping DS revise and sorting the house out, and by the time I picked her up I felt in a much better place. DD is now sulking and refusing school this morning.
Did I do the wrong thing?

@MichelleScarn Quite the contrary, I feel that ignoring and overlooking is possibly part of the problem. I don't agree that "bad" behaviour is ever just "bad" behaviour as you suggest, and I also don't agree that the the concept of "good" or "bad" behaviour is helpful. A child who is swearing at their mother is probably feeling lots of things, but heard isn't on the list.

Humans need to feel like they belong. Being ostracised or left out or pushed away is generally very painful for most humans because of the way we are hard wired. It's not ever generally going to improve a situation.

She knows that swearing is not acceptable, that's why she's doing it. She's communicating very clearly that something is going on for her. Kids need support in order to work out their feelings, recognise them and deal with them in an appropriate way.

I'm standing by dropping a ten year old that's upset off in a huff isn't going to help going forward. But that's just my take on it. You might have found a better way for you.

I haven't had the time to read through all these as it's been a busy day but from what I've seen thank you all for the advice.
We've talked today and I apologised for what I did, she's going back into school tomorrow hopefully. DH comes back tonight so will talk to him about it too.

Should have mentioned that DM did tell DD when I was coming home, she just didn't hear it from me

So there was never any doubt in her mind that you were in fact, coming back?

I wouldn’t have apologised, personally nor would I have let her stay home school.

Sounds like it’s all ended in a bit of a pickle, as having to apologise sends a really mixed message (although of course we all have to sometimes), and letting her refuse school makes her think sulking is a good way to go.

Some calm behaviour management at the time of the original bad behaviour would have been better - by all mean consequences such as loss of screen time (which is always a plus as it also promotes doing something more healthy) or similar - but with explanations as to why. Also giving her some of your time (not when she should be at school) would seem needed here.

Why did you let stay home from school? No wonder she is running rings around you...you needcto give her boundaries and stick to them. It will give her security in the long term.

So her grandmother, who looked after her this weekend, told her when you were collecting her? There was no ambiguity, she just didn't hear it from you?
How did that make her so ill that she needed a day off school? It's pathetic that you gave into her sulking and had her home for the day. You're making your own bed there.

I'm just a stranger on the internet and obviously have no idea of your setup but she's 10 and you let her have a day off school because she didn't fancy it?
Do you think your boundaries are strong and secure generally?

You absolutely do not sincerely apologise OP. That's a brilliant way to validate your 10 year old calling you awful names and getting an apology when you put consequences in place.

I won't mention SEN or ND as OP hasn't indicated they are a factor, and as usual MN has assumed SEN because a child is badly behaved. Even us ND people know calling our mums a "bitch" at age 10 is unacceptable.

Grandma told her when OP would be back - OP has clarified this.

I'm a grandmother and I'd be pretty upset if any of my grandchildren were sent to me as a punishment

Sorry didn't see your last update OP - so you apologised and the child screaming insults at you now knows she'll get an apology and a day off school if you dare to put consequences in place?
I'm not having a go at you, but you're not the one who should have apologised here. She's now behaving appallingly AND getting a nice day at home on the back of it.

No 'hopefully' about it. She is not unwell, she needs to go in, even if she is put in te car and forced there. She is truanting, and deserves a further consequence for not going today. This child needs to learn who is boss and stop being a spoilt madam.
You are doing well OP putting your foot down. Keep it up until she learns.

Yes, and is probably expecting a day off tomorrow too she's going back into school tomorrow hopefully.
How are you reporting these absences to the school op?
'Shes sulking, and doesn't want to come in' wouldn't really go down well at our school!

Absolutely agree with this. Poor kid. I can't believe you didn't tell her when you'd be back.

Yeah, well that obviously changes things.

Totally people seem to forget we are talking about children

Only if it's sat down and calmly explained along with were going to have a little break to calm down so your having a weekend at granny's ....as it is to a child it may well appear she's been dumped by mum who doesn't like her anymore and mum is now keeping favourite child.

That's the problem you needed to tell her and explain you still loved her before you left her.

Yes, hugely unfair and irresponsible. You could have ASKED if your DS could study there while you took time to show your DD she can't just carry on and on. You didn't deal with her, you buried your head in the sand AND increased her insecurity at home when her dad isn't there. You've also made it clear that visiting her grandparents is to be viewed as a punishment.

Why.....it's obviously doesn't mum was so cross she didn't speak to her herself so it could have felt like she didn't love her and was leaving her. You don't throw your toys out of the pram when your dealing with emotions particularly of children.

I see some users have assumed DD is ND/SEN but OP hasn’t indicated that at all and referring to her daughter as “spiteful” etc would suggest to me there isn’t anything of that nature going on.

I wouldn’t want to be seen as a punishment if I was this girls gran- I think it’s an odd way of managing the situation and sort of alienates the gran. I think it would have made more sense to offer DS to go to grans for peace to study and use the time to try and connect with DD a bit as she is obviously struggling with something be it her behaviour or something a bit deeper than that.

And allowing her to stay off today doesn’t help the situation at all. It’s all a bit strange.

Oh dear OP this sounds awful but I don't think you did the right thing. You needed to say "I love you and I will be picking you up tomorrow" otherwise you are just feeding into her insecurities.

OP, this sounds horrendously stressful for you all 💐. Are you getting some support? Local carers organisation? SEN charity if this is a factor? Look after yourself xx

From an SEN parent x

I hope there was another adult looking after your ten year old when you walked out during his meltdown.
Especially when he couldn't contact you.
It sounds seriously negligent otherwise.

I was thinking this too