For leaving my DD at DM's all weekend?

[angiec89]

For context, DD is 10 and can be a nightmare. Never does what she's told, has behavioural issues at school and is often downright spiteful. DH is far better at handling her outbursts than me but this weekend he was away with friends. She was being horrible on Friday night, calling me a cow and a bitch, shouting and screaming, complete meltdown. With DS having GCSEs coming up I'm at my wit's end. So Saturday morning I drove her to DM's and left her. I didn't say when I was coming back but told DM I'd be back on Sunday night. DM was happy to have her, but DD was miserable all weekend feeling abandoned.
I feel terrible now, but it was the only thing I felt I could do at the time. I spent the weekend helping DS revise and sorting the house out, and by the time I picked her up I felt in a much better place. DD is now sulking and refusing school this morning.
Did I do the wrong thing?

It would be good for you to let your daughter know that yes, a break was needed for both of you, but that you're sorry you didn't tell her when you were coming back.

You really do need to start investigating why she's the way she is. She sounds highly anxious and easily overwhelmed which leads to the behaviour you describe. She's unhappy right now.

assuming no SEN, she is old enough to understand the impact her behaviour is having on her brother’s exams.
You did the right thing, as long as your mum is happy to have her over

Only thing I would have done differently was telling her when I'd be back. I'd assume that it would be pretty unpleasant at your mums when a still young child reckons their mum has juts thrown them out

I would have done the exact same thing OP.

This. You should have told her.

However apart from that you did the right thing.

this 10000% was really cruel not telling her when or indeed IF you'd ever be back

Sorry I don't agree with that, sometimes bad behaviour is just that, bad behaviour and I think by always looking for external reasons to blame it on we're not helping children today. The dd is 10, if at 10 (and no additional needs) she needs to be able to recognise that her behaviour was appalling and swearing and being aggressive towards people is not acceptable.
Would a 10 yo really honestly think they'd been 'abandoned forever'?

i have the same aged daughter who can be a handful. But she had ADHD

I just couldn't ever imagine dropping her off and not letting her know when id be back

Would a 10 yo really honestly think they'd been 'abandoned forever'?

10yo's aren't known for their logic or rational thinking - so yes, I can imagine them getting incredibly worked up at the idea of mum leaving them somewhere and not saying when she'll be back.

Refusing to tell her when you are coming back when you know it would upset her is cruel and childish.

yes. Read the book 'the Body remembers' or the trauma the body remembers or something

Childhood is a very very delicate age especially at 10

agree

Especially when done in anger which i suspect it was.

Presumably the grandmother relayed the info of when she would be back though?

The point is that at the moment, for whatever reason, the DD has additional needs. They may not have been diagnosed or labelled but she is very clearly expressing that she isn't getting something she very clearly needs, and she is communicating this with her behaviour, because she's not yet able to recognise it and verbalise it. Let's face it there are a lot of adults who haven't yet got their head round the concept either.

Out of interest @MichelleScarn I'm presuming you have the odd wobble as an adult and you behave in ways that you're later not proud of and say things you don't mean in the moment. In those moments are you feeling happy and well adjusted with all your needs met? Or are you at the end of your tether, possibly hormonal, tired, had a bad week at work, unheard by your partner etc?

She's a small human, not a tyrant. Humans who are feeling good don't behave like this.

No, I think she was badly in need of realising she had overstepped a mark and there are consequences for her awful behaviour.

Talk to her. Tell her, "Your behaviour on Friday was completely unacceptable and we WILL NOT put up with it. It stops now. Remember, you're the child, and I run this household, not you. "

I wouldn’t have done it because going to Gran’s would have been a treat and mine wouldn’t have given a shit if I’d never gone back at all. I don’t think you’ve traumatised her @angiec89. Let her stew and show her that sulking is pointless.

@Seas164

I agree. Something is amiss here. I would try and get to the bottom of my daughters behavioural issues. I have an 11 year old DD who can be challenging but it’s always for a reason. Usually a period of reconnection/rest/reflection, whatever will help to reset her. I wouldn’t just leave her at my mums as long term it wouldn’t help. I also have a son who’s doing GCSEs and it is his responsibility to get his decision done, not mine. You can facilitate good revision habits but other than that it’s up to them.

YANBU to feel annoyed and frustrated, and YANBU to ask your Mum to mind her for the weekend to give you and your ds some space.

YABVU to not tell her when you weee coming back. You should never use uncertainty and feelings of abandonment as a punishment. It’s not only setting her up for emotional problems as an adult, but also potentially making her current behavioural problems worse.

I know ND is always being trotted out on here but her behaviour at age 10 screamed ADHD and possibly ODD (oppositional defiant disorder) at me. Look up ODD on line and see if you think it fits. My DS has ADHD and interestingly his scores came back quite high for ODD as well. ADHD can come with a real difficulty in processing being “left out”’in any way, or when a sibling is getting a lot of attention - so your DS having exams and presumably being made the centre of attention for this (reasonably) could be a trigger. However, it does mean that leaving her at your mum’s with no idea when you were coming back and no tailored explanation would be the worse possible thing to do. Taking her there and packaging it as some nice 1-2-1 time with grandma would be totally different.

I certainly would have immediately if I’d been the gran! It would have been “Mum really loves you, she’s just got a lot to do this weekend etc etc” straight out of the blocks.

Definitely understand why you did this . She obviously is old enough to under Consequences and you didn’t abandon her with a stranger. Hope your son got some decent revision done .

I agree.

I also hope you are getting some support/help with her behaviour.

I have dd11 who can, like most kids have their moments (shouting/ slamming doors etc). She's never called me those names though. I wouldn't send her off in these circumstances. I'd want to work on our relationship. If I left my dc with no communication of when I'd be back she would freak out and I do think it would severely impact her trust in me.

If your dc responds differently to your dh and her gran then I'd be trying to think about what I'm doing in these heightened situations- am I fuelling it or calming it?

So any bad behaviour needs to be ignored or overlooked? Am sorry, but l still don't agree with this.
It would not be acceptable no matter how bad my day was to be verbally abusive to someone and to expect people to shrug it off with 'oh you're obviously not feeling good, it's ok'.

I think your poor daughter will find it very hard to trust you now!
I feel so sad for her.