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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For leaving my DD at DM's all weekend?

107 replies

angiec89 · 24/04/2023 08:54

For context, DD is 10 and can be a nightmare. Never does what she's told, has behavioural issues at school and is often downright spiteful. DH is far better at handling her outbursts than me but this weekend he was away with friends. She was being horrible on Friday night, calling me a cow and a bitch, shouting and screaming, complete meltdown. With DS having GCSEs coming up I'm at my wit's end. So Saturday morning I drove her to DM's and left her. I didn't say when I was coming back but told DM I'd be back on Sunday night. DM was happy to have her, but DD was miserable all weekend feeling abandoned.
I feel terrible now, but it was the only thing I felt I could do at the time. I spent the weekend helping DS revise and sorting the house out, and by the time I picked her up I felt in a much better place. DD is now sulking and refusing school this morning.
Did I do the wrong thing?

OP posts:
TheSnowyOwl · 24/04/2023 10:04

She’s a 10 year old child. Of course she felt abandoned.

You need to differentiate between her behaviour and your parenting responsibilities. You don’t take revenge on a child which is what you effectively did. Leaving her the weekend is not the issue but not telling her is.

Robinni · 24/04/2023 10:06

A 10yo, SEN or not, should not be allowed to call you a bitch and a cow. You did the best for both children under the circumstances. Don’t feel guilt. SEN need discipline too. She was removed from the area of conflict and taken to a safe place. There may be a next time; I would explain why you are bringing her and the likely duration in future.

Trinityloop · 24/04/2023 10:11

Agree that it depends on how you did it.

Absolutely fine to send her to her nans for the weekend, but you should have told her that you would pick her up again on Sunday

As an adult you know that you weren't leaving her there forever, but she probably doesn't have any frame of reference to know that your not leaving forever

Fine to tell her that you both need a break, but I'd avoid anything that tells her that you are not a stable loving base eg that you can't stand to look at her

FrenchBoule · 24/04/2023 10:13

What @Robinni said.

The only mistake you did was that you didn’t tell her when you’d be back.

All children even SEN ones needs discipline and boundaries.
Calling names is verbal abuse and IS not tolerated anywhere.

Sit her down with you and DH when he’s back and have a conversation with her on how can you can move forward and what behaviour will not be tolerated.

I’d also speak to school about some support for her.

Brefugee · 24/04/2023 10:15

you did what you thought was right at the time. I would have told her when i was coming back but you didn't so you can't change that.

So what you need to do now is establish when and how and why these outbursts happen. What can you identify in the run-up, and ask your daughter how she feels just before, during and just after these things.

Then you need to explain that she can't carry on like this as it is impacting family life, and it is unfair on her brother to have to live and revise when she's throwing tantrums.

Then work out between you two, what the sanctions will be, and how to identify the outbursts before they happen and head them off at the pass.

It sounds shit, you're doing the best you can, don't beat yourself up.

NoFall · 24/04/2023 10:16

Not telling her when you would be back was cruel. What was your thinking behind that?

Are you getting any help for her? Has she been assessed for ND?

Fromage · 24/04/2023 10:19

You'd been pushed to the limit and you took your dd to somewhere she was safe and loved.

I think this is good parenting. Ideally you would have said you'd be back Sunday but I am going to assume you didn't fling your dd through the door and hinted strongly she would never come again. I think she probably knew you were coming back and that she was at her grandmother's because of her behaviour, and that a break was needed.

Sometimes situations like this are needed to have a think about what to do next time. None of us is perfect. Hope you're OK, angiec89.

SeulementUneFois · 24/04/2023 10:21

Thatnameistaken · 24/04/2023 09:20

She received a consequence for her actions, that's fine. She was safe, with someone she knows who was happy to have her.
Don't buckle, boundaries are a good thing. Do it again if you need to, it was an excellent solution

This OP.

Whatever else you do, whether it's CAHMS, therapy, school support - her behavior towards you will only stop if she experiences consequences for it.
Don't buckle.

MrsRinaDecker · 24/04/2023 10:26

I think a weekend with granny was fine, and I hope your ds got some work done, but you should definitely have told her when you were coming back.
Dr Naomi Fisher is a child psychologist I follow on SM, who has a really different approach to difficult behaviour and school refusal, and I wonder if you might find her posts helpful? She also runs courses / seminars for parents and professionals.

PiaMaria · 24/04/2023 10:27

That was a horrible thing to do. All of us get overwhelmed at times but as the parent we have responsibility for regulating our own emotions, not making our children feel at fault. This can cause such issues down the line. I think it is good that you recognised you needed a break to be in a better place, but you should have arranged it in a way that wouldn't make your daughter feel like shit. That's just not on. You should sincerely apologise to her and have a heart-to-heart about how you both felt.

PiaMaria · 24/04/2023 10:28

SeulementUneFois · 24/04/2023 10:21

This OP.

Whatever else you do, whether it's CAHMS, therapy, school support - her behavior towards you will only stop if she experiences consequences for it.
Don't buckle.

Show quote history

No - the behaviour will stop when the underlying emotional needs behind them are met. Bad behaviour is a cry for help

KittyAlfred · 24/04/2023 10:34

Did you tell your Mum not to tell your DD when you’d be back?

jannier · 24/04/2023 10:50

Nothing wrong with having the break but not leaving her with the feeling of being Abandoned she's going to struggle to trust you again. You should have explained what was happening and why as well as that you would collect her on ........a child needs to feel loved and secure you removed both of those.

Thesearmsofmine · 24/04/2023 11:00

Why didn’t your mum tell your daughter when you would be back?

cooldarkroom · 24/04/2023 11:05

I think it was fine, she behaves better with your H, This behaviour us deliberately worse just for you.
You didn't drop her st the orphanage, but with her Granny.

I was at McDos killing time before hospital visiting hours yesterday, it was a total scene from Hades, with all ages if kids behaving appallingly, it hit me that no-one takes adult actions with badly behaved kids anymore,
There has to be a point when Stop means Stop.
Dont accept the sulking, she behaved badly, there were consequences. & she needs to live in the same house as others, & her behaviour us nog acceptable

cooldarkroom · 24/04/2023 11:07

"Is not" ... sorry

Heronwatcher · 24/04/2023 11:15

You need to be honest, was there even a hint of teaching her a lesson/ spite about not telling her when you were coming to collect her. If so, yes you were being U. Your DD is the child here, and is dependent on you. Find to need space and fine to leave her with your mum but you need to do so without any game-playing. You probably also made things much more difficult for your mum when they could have had a nice weekend.

Rosula · 24/04/2023 11:21

audweb · 24/04/2023 08:56

my ten year old would struggle not knowing when I would come back. Why didn’t you just tell her? Having a break is not a bad thing but I’m failing to understand why you wouldn’t tell your child when you would come back for them? It’s ok to take space. But combined with you spending it with your DS and refusal to tell her when (if?!) you were coming to get her no wonder she feels that way.

the behaviour on the Friday is not acceptable though, but maybe it’s time to rethink how you deal with it.

I would assume OP's mother told her when she would be collected, so no big deal.

Sapphire387 · 24/04/2023 11:26

What you did was reasonable, in my view. She was hardly being 'abandoned', as some are saying. She was with her grandmother!!

Goodfood1 · 24/04/2023 11:30

I think you did the right thing. At 1 she knew she was safe at grandma's. Let her sulk she's allowed to and will give her more time to think. I do think you need to explain what happed and why it happe ed though. Let her express her anger and feelings and reply with what you feel appropriate. Validate her feelings but explain yours and and you sons too.
Don't feel guilty what you did was parenting. It's tough.

Goodfood1 · 24/04/2023 11:31

*at 10!!! Not 1

Truckinghell · 24/04/2023 11:35

Sapphire387 · 24/04/2023 11:26

What you did was reasonable, in my view. She was hardly being 'abandoned', as some are saying. She was with her grandmother!!

But without the knowledge of when her mum would be back.

My mum used to walk out the house and say 'see you when I see you' (extremely melodramatic on reflection) and I can still remember the absolutely crushing anxiety of not understanding when she'd be back. And that was in our house, with my dad around.

It's an absolutely horrible thing to do. Fine to have a break. Fine to take her to her granny's. But to not say when you'll be back? Completely unnecessary.

Willmafrockfit · 24/04/2023 11:40

sounds like you did the wrong thing.
did she make it to school ?

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 24/04/2023 11:45

There's something really unpleasant about dropping a 10yo off somewhere and refusing to say when, or if, you'll be back. The fact that she was with grandma is irrelevant.

Why didn't you tell her she was going to have a fun sleepover with grandma so her brother could study, and that you'd be back to get her on Sunday evening?

Playing mind games with a 10yo who already has behavioural issues is really nasty.

Willmafrockfit · 24/04/2023 11:46

she needs more of your attention not less imo@angiec89

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