To be totally hacked off at DH’s refusal to do any housework?

[SoLittleTimeToday]

This is a longstanding bone of contention in our marriage. He simply will not pull his weight. If challenged he becomes incredibly defensive, and either claims to be doing loads, says the kids should do more, or says my standards are too high (believe me, with four DC and doing everything on my own, they are not!)

We had another row about this yesterday. He said that to ‘show me that he is doing loads’ he is going to stop doing anything for a week. AIBU to think that this is incredibly immature for a grown man and not very supportive in a marriage where we are supposed to be working as a team?

(For context we both work FT, children aged 4 - 11. One cleaner once a week for 2.5 hours which frankly doesn’t scratch the surface of the mess, laundry, cooking and general chaos!)

Tell him to move out then you'll really be able to see 'how much he does' doesnt do

Then don't let him back, obviously.

How can you be with someone who has so little respect for you?

The stop doing anything is a tactic often rolled out on here as advice for women to show what they do. It would be unfair of MNers to say he's an arse for doing that.

However you clearly have big issues around not just this so perhaps time for a deep conversation with him.

Stop doing anything yourself. To show him you do loads.

Just. Stop.

order take out
leave the washing up
do notcompromise
do not negotiate
go out asuch as you can

he has learnt that you give in if he is an stubborn long enough. Don’t give in. Be stubborn.

Well let him stop for a week and "show you"

Then you stop for a week 😁

I wonder which will have more impact 🤔

Just stop doing anything for him

Create a list of

1. Daily Tasks
2. Weekly tasks
3. Bi-weekly
4. Monthly
5. Bi-annual
6. Annual

Indicate which ones are outsourced but need someone to arrange the service provider and which ones need doing yourselves.

Flag which of the kids / you / him do each

Make sure each category is evenly split so he doesn't have a ton of one-off / annual and you have a ton of daily ones.

Much easier to have very specific tasks so that when something isn't done it's clear who was meant to do it.

Older kids can help with certain tasks like sorting / folding laundry, clearing dishes, loading dishwasher etc so get them fully involved

This isn't helpful with a family of 4 as even if he does stuff for himslef it will be massively imbalanced as a lot will be clearing up after the kids / for the kids / for the benefit of the whole household.

Don't give him the option to go back to living as he's a single guy

Doing your own cooking and laundry only is easy

This. Call his bluff. Let him have his little tantrum. Then turn the tables and do it back to him. I guarantee you the week you are "on strike" will be far more disruptive.

I was just about to say this. Often if a woman says her dh refuses to agree that she's doing chores she is advised to stop them so he sees.

Surely if he stops them, abd he isn't actually doing any, then you won't notice any difference anyways?

Lovely, tell him fair enough, he does nothing this week, you do next week.

Sit down with him and make a list of every task which needs doing. Both contribute to list. Then take turns to choose a task which will be your responsibility from now on. Tasks need to be of equal effort.

YANBU.

What the fuck is wrong with these men. There seems so many who genuinely think being a man gives them a free ride in life. As long as they are in paid work, they don't have to do any other work for their household or family.

I don't know how you put up with it, you must have the patience of a saint.

Failing that, go away for a few days and let him feel the weight of household tasks

Tell it it might be easier as a family - then to have to suffer the consequences of him stopping his mighty load of jobs- to keep a list all week?

Let him have his week where is does nothing (and seen as he doesn’t do much I doubt it will make much difference) but tell him the following week you will do nothing and so you can both compare who does the majority and who’s contribution impacts the house more.

Step the cleaner up to 4 hours a week
then you make a list of who does what and how much “mental load” and time per week or month it requires

• organising play dates and birthdays and summer holiday clubs
• buying gifts for birthday parties and Xmas
• booking kids dentist and haircuts
• buying kids clothes and shoes
• organising extracurriculars
• helping with homework
• doing the needful re school PTA and other events
• Planning and organising holidays and family, including packing and preparations for going
• managing all aspects of household finance
• annual boiler and car servicing
• diy
• garden maintenance
• meal planning, grocery shopping and cooking
• trips to the dump and charity centre
• regular big jobs like deep cleans in the kitchen or cleaning windows
• tidying up
• laundry

and the list goes on

my dh is amazing but I’m perimenopausal and struggling so i have recently let my dh take on more of the mental load and result is ds wasn’t taken to his friend's party cos dh didn’t check the calendar! these things happen and it’s forgivable because my dh is great generally. But I didn’t hear an “I’m sorry”, I heard a silent accusation of “you didn’t remind me!!!” Most vexing.

but the only way they learn is by trying

Mine tried this. I went on strike.
Apart from feeding the kids I did absolutely bugger all.
I've no clean clothes....you know where the washer is.
What's for tea? .... whatever you're making.
Sex?....use your hand, I'm off to sleep.
It's a bit messy in here.....feel free to clean up then.
The gas bill is here......best you go pay it then.
Etc.
It lasted just over a week before he saw sense and started getting stuck in.
This is what you need to do op. Close your eyes and ears to it, do nothing and wait for as long as it takes.

This may be helpful... It's a checklist of household tasks that you fill out separately, then talk it over. The Swedes created it to "encourage conversations about gender equality in everyday life". PDF download

Has he always been like this?

He'll be very hungry with no clean pants left in a couple of days, won't he?
Leave him to sulk.

I think this is hard to judge without knowing who does what. What does he actually do? How old are the kids?

@Squiblet -that’s an excellent tool.

My prediction is that selfish shirkers tick at least the “Sometimes” box for anything they’ve ever done history of the relationship, even it it’s only once. You know, those times their wives were in hospital after childbirth and that.

OP you are so reasonable. The sad fact is he sees you, your time, and your happiness as much less important than his. He just doesn’t care enough as long as his life is running along okay.

And have four children with him...

Far too vague. You won’t get anywhere without pinpointing some specific tasks. In your situation I would pick half a dozen obvious ones eg emptying dishwasher, putting washing on and drying/airing it, cleaning kitchen sides and floor, hoovering, changing beds, mowing lawn, etc. specify who is to do what for next fortnight and stick a big plan up in kitchen.
So ridiculous- if the basic housework is not getting done, why on earth would it be a good idea to stop altogether? Childish and bizarre. So tell him that is not going to happen. You have a household to run so that’s going to require tasks being done, starting today.