To be totally hacked off at DH’s refusal to do any housework?

[SoLittleTimeToday]

This is a longstanding bone of contention in our marriage. He simply will not pull his weight. If challenged he becomes incredibly defensive, and either claims to be doing loads, says the kids should do more, or says my standards are too high (believe me, with four DC and doing everything on my own, they are not!)

We had another row about this yesterday. He said that to ‘show me that he is doing loads’ he is going to stop doing anything for a week. AIBU to think that this is incredibly immature for a grown man and not very supportive in a marriage where we are supposed to be working as a team?

(For context we both work FT, children aged 4 - 11. One cleaner once a week for 2.5 hours which frankly doesn’t scratch the surface of the mess, laundry, cooking and general chaos!)

I love the idea of downing tools next week. However, much of the work is related to the kids and I don’t think I could bring myself to do that to them - with four I have to run a really tight ship with washing for clean uniforms, shopping to make sure we have food in etc.

then nothing will change. Clearly you are the one thinking about the DCs. Is their father thinking about them? Frankly? do it. don't let them come to harm or starve but send them to him for everything. Clean uniform? ask dad. What's to eat? ask your dad. Are there any snacks? Ask your dad.

And if he complains, tell him what you wrote up there. And ask if he feels guilty for doing the square root of fuck all for his own offspring.

It's always pitiful to see loads of replies on these daily threads, suggesting OPs draw up a list to beg these misogynistic parasites in to functioning. They know already, they just view themselves as king cock and some silly woman will serve them, whether it's his mother, current wife or future girlfriend.
Divorce the prick, make him parent, enjoy more free time and less housework. Win/win.

Years ago, DH had a go at me about not hanging his shirts up in the evening when I hung the rest of the washing up. DS was in cloth nappies so a load went on every 2 days minimum and everything was hung up in the evening in the bathroom and it would be dry when we got up (dehumidifier running in the bathroom). So I would take the laundry up, hang all of DS's clothes, and any of mine up, and DH would come up to the bathroom later and have to hang his shirts up. I had a bit of a rant and asked whether he would like to hang all of mine and DS's washing up in exchange (much more because of all of the nappies).. and he backed down, and has, ever since, taken most of the responsibility for at least getting washes on, even if I still end up hanging them up to dry most days.

I've mostly given up on the washing up machine as he always unloads anything that I've loaded... although it all seems to wash fine when he's away and DS and I do it all!

I think, without it being pointed out that things need doing and things take time, this can be overlooked by the other half!

If your DC should do more, or just be more tidy, that does not excuse your DH from doing a reasonable share.

@PotKettel
my dh is amazing but I’m perimenopausal and struggling so i have recently let my dh take on more of the mental load and result is ds wasn’t taken to his friend's party cos dh didn’t check the calendar! these things happen and it’s forgivable because my dh is great generally. But I didn’t hear an “I’m sorry”, I heard a silent accusation of “you didn’t remind me!!!” Most vexing.

Stick with it because we've had the same and it's changing. Last week DH took DS to something and forgot a key piece of kit. He wasn't exactly accepting responsibility but he 100% wasn't blaming me so I felt that was a step forward!

OP - there's often a disconnect between acceptable levels of cleanliness/tidiness but it sounds like you've fallen into the trap of you doing all the things that absolutely HAVE to be done - cooking, ensuring the DC have clean clothes etc - and he's "responsible" for things that can be seen as "optional" eg vacuuming or washing up. Obviously, I agree with you that those things are NOT optional, but arguably, if you weren't around and he didn't care if the floor was dirty, it would be optional while he would have to ensure the DC had clothes.

Tell him you'll swap chores. He can do the sorting of kids stuff etc and you'll be in charge of the cleaning etc.

Oh, and if you both work full time and he has a well paid job, get a cleaner for much more than 2 hours a week. Quite honestly, with four DC and two full time jobs, I'm amazed you're getting as much done as you are.

@MsMarch OPs pointless man does nothing.

I know. Because the things he's supposed to do he sees as optional. It's bollocks, of course, but I see it a lot and DH and I have had these issues ourselves. In our case, he's realised and is much better about it. But it did take some work.

Good advice

So I’m guessing he suddenly stopped cleaning after DC4 because surely you wouldn’t have had all of the kids if had always been this lazy?

What hours does he work?

Ok chap here so ready for incoming flak!!

Me and the wife have a pink job list and a blue job list - complicated stuff like laundry, hoovering, washing up is her domain, apparently according to her I can't do it properly so should leave it alone, on the blue list is easy stuff like washing the car, mowing the lawn, putting in a new kitchen, re-hanging the front door etc.

Works for us.

Blue and pink jobs?

A nice sexiest household. Great way to raise kids.

I’m a single parent to 2 boys. No such thing as pink and blue jobs. No such think as girls and boys colours either by the way. My kids just have their chore list and do it. Maybe your parents should have done that with you.

I don't care about blue and pink lists, whatever works. But I bet she vacuums, does laundry and washes up more often than you mow the lawn, hang new doors or wash the car. So you've got a lovely little gig here - she's doing the vacuuming because it's her job while you're sitting around watching tv or heading off to footie? Lovely.

I was just about to say this. Often if a woman says her dh refuses to agree that she's doing chores she is advised to stop them so he sees.

Mis-representation - she'll be told to stop doing the chores that purely benefit him - the kids don't deserve to suffer.

TBH, I think that was one of the things that signalled the end of my relationship - that he wouldn't pull his weight, so I severely reduced what I did for him (ie. I'd wash what was in the basket, but I wouldn't go hunting down his socks. I'd pay the electricity bill, the house insurance, but left his phone bill and his car insurance to him to sort out etc.) - so there's that - I do sometimes wonder if I should have just sucked it up, but then I remind myself that no, I have better ways to spend hours a week than doing chores so that he doesn't have to and can sit reading the internet instead.

Yes, but I'm an electrician, and it would be professional suicide to be seen using a vacuum cleaner - if the other trades got wind of it they would expect us to clean up on site too!

I've not been allowed to do anything in the house since I washed the lawnmower engine parts in the dishwasher - she says no, what can I do!

@tonyele If you're hoping from frothing from all the women on here becuase you're clearly a complete twat, you won't get it from me. You carry on though. But I'm glad I'm not your wife.

Since it seems you're prepared to stay with someone who treats you like this; as he earns loads outsource everything you possibly can. Girl Fridays are great. Ironing, all cleaning, errands, meals ( I used this little business for a while who made decent food in her own kitchen and delivered it on the day - things like shepherds pie etc) . You need help far far more than 2 hours per week. Because I'm sorry but your quality of life must be so low if you're working full time and doing everything for 6 people including a 4 year old.

Why does it always fall on the woman to take responsibility for solving this problem?
Go on strike all you like. He will either not notice or will just do his own washing and meals leaving you to do everything else.

Sit down and make a big list and allocate it. Why the heck should you waste your time doing this? You aren’t his project manager!

The only conversation you need to have is to tell him he isn’t pulling his weight, he is a sexist pig who expects the little woman to clean up after him. If nothing changes then either you suck it up and stay or you LTB.

I call troll on @tonyele

This thread has reminded me of the saying 'it starts when you sink into his arms, and ends with your arms in his sink'

Your current situation is all about stress, resentment and point-scoring. This must change for all your sakes.

What are the comparable hours? If he does twelve hours a day with a horrendous commute and you walk to work for eight hour days then yes, it is fair that you do more in the home. That's a mindset change … for you. Can you do that?

If you both do comparable hours though, then things need to be fairer - and that's a problem. Because you have five children, including a stropping adolescent. 'I'll just not do anything then, so there, nyer.'

You can't change his personality, his upbringing plus the fact you've had four children with him under this way of life. It's all embedded now.

So what else CAN you change?

Don't do the childish 'well I just won't do anything my week, then'. That's a toxic lesson for your kids. Be better.

You need help. And it ain't coming from him. You're both in full time work, and you're probably both knackered.

You need a different strategy:

Outsource that need for help to people who like doing things like cleaning, washing & ironing, gardening, shopping, cooking, are good at it and can do it faster and better than either of you can. They're out there. You need staff.

Yes, it's a cost - but balance that against the fact that you're both earning and the improvement in your relationship, the home and family life will be huge, because you'll have time for each other without a big lump of domestic resentment getting in the way.

What @JFDIYOLo says 100 per cent. Similar in my house but no children. I grew up in a house where mother never stopped cleaning, she never sits still and house is like a show house, he grew up on a farm with a nanny and a housekeeper. House keep some what clean but never had to do it himself and was always working on on he farm so never at home. Sometimes when you are working long hours ect and only at home to sleep etc you don't see things building up. The resentment builds in. I have learned to lower my standards a bit- a house is for living not for show and he has also learned to up his standards. For us what works is a cleaner, she comes every two weeks and take it turns to pay. This also frees up our time at the weekend and spend more time together which is so beneficial. He does work long hours very manual work and i work from home now so i do a bit more than he does however i do feel that is fair, he is broke up and tired most days coming home but will do his bit on his days off. He does all of the outside work which i do appreciate our garden is like a show garden

Apologies i see now you have a cleaner - Can she come more hours ? Can she help with laundry ? Have you looked at the likes of hello fresh ?Do your kids have age appropriate chores ?

What's a deep conversation in this context?

And it's not unfair to call him an arse for this behaviour when the op is the one doing the housework.

I think op should stop doing anything for him to show him what she does.