To be totally hacked off at DH’s refusal to do any housework?

[SoLittleTimeToday]

This is a longstanding bone of contention in our marriage. He simply will not pull his weight. If challenged he becomes incredibly defensive, and either claims to be doing loads, says the kids should do more, or says my standards are too high (believe me, with four DC and doing everything on my own, they are not!)

We had another row about this yesterday. He said that to ‘show me that he is doing loads’ he is going to stop doing anything for a week. AIBU to think that this is incredibly immature for a grown man and not very supportive in a marriage where we are supposed to be working as a team?

(For context we both work FT, children aged 4 - 11. One cleaner once a week for 2.5 hours which frankly doesn’t scratch the surface of the mess, laundry, cooking and general chaos!)

You really should outsource everything you can. If he won’t help he can pay someone to help. Get a cleaner for a day once a week and get pre-made meals.

Everyone agrees with you that he should be doing more, but no one has a magic wand.

You can give him specific jobs- tell him he makes the packed lunches from now on, he unloads the dishwasher every morning, he clears the breakfast things etc.

If he doesn't then frankly maybe you should leave him.

Takenoprisoner

Patronising! I was sharing my experience, I did not say “you should do” etc!!

I use the word nag for male and female, claiming the word as any gender can do it. By nag I mean ask someone to do a task repeatedly, which for the vast major of people does not work.

Also, I'd ditch the ironing.

Just stop doing things for him him. Stop doing his washing, cooking his meals, shopping for food he likes. But ultimately that's all pretty pa stuff, if he won't pull his weight and his answer to adult communication is to play silly games, then I'd be reconsidering my relationship. He's not going to change and I don't see why you, as a family should go without just to employ people to pick up his slack.

Maybe that's a permanent system you could adopt - you each get a week off in turn?

Ah well, at least if your wife is a partner in a law firm, she’ll know someone to handle her divorce! 😜

I have to ask why should they?

It will take money out of the family pot which means the dc and the op could go without, just to pay someone else to do something a grown man is perfectly capable and has the time and energy to do so.

I'd love to be able to outsource all my chores, but that would mean I'd never have any luxuries. I wouldn't simply think - well bugger this, I'm not going to cook, clean, look after the dc because I can't be arsed. If my dh doesn't like it he can either do it himself or leave it.

I'm genuinely baffled by this post. Is it a pisstake or a deep insight into men's heads?

Who knows, but my DH tried this one on me in response to my request for him to step up more around the house.

"I hung DDS curtain pole" (which has been broken for 2 whole years)

🤔 Ah that clearly compensates for 25 years of not recognising that cleaning ghas to happen.

Hope you took note of this. Only way to prove your point !

She can’t force him to help. This just stops every thing being left to her.

Ugh at all the snidey “was he like this before you bred with him”

nice bit of old fashioned “you made your bed now you lie in it my girl”

Time for You to go on strike. Do only essential things for yourself & the kids, don’t do a damn thing for him.
don’t cook for him, don’t do his laundry, don’t pick up after him.
I spent 10 years married to a lazy man who decided after we got married mind you, that “He was Responsible for outside work” lawn mowing , car washing & that “I was responsible for everything else “.

so I made him sit down with me and write a list of everything that needed to be done to keep our home running smoothly and how much time each task took.

his Outside chores took up about 10 hours a month, my Inside ones, about 10 hours a day ( some overlapping of course) we had a toddler & a baby, he did Zero child care.
He refused to believe it so I simply stopped doing anything for him, no cooking, no laundry, no cleaning his side of the bedroom or making his side of the bed, no more picking up after him ( he was wading ankle deep in his dirty clothes by the end of week 2) .
all the times he said that “I sat around doing nothing while he was at work all day” , so I stopped doing anything. I ended up going away for 3 days, he was at home alone with the kids. I came home to a relatively clean house, he realised exactly how much I did everyday when it didn’t get done.