To be totally hacked off at DH’s refusal to do any housework?

[SoLittleTimeToday]

This is a longstanding bone of contention in our marriage. He simply will not pull his weight. If challenged he becomes incredibly defensive, and either claims to be doing loads, says the kids should do more, or says my standards are too high (believe me, with four DC and doing everything on my own, they are not!)

We had another row about this yesterday. He said that to ‘show me that he is doing loads’ he is going to stop doing anything for a week. AIBU to think that this is incredibly immature for a grown man and not very supportive in a marriage where we are supposed to be working as a team?

(For context we both work FT, children aged 4 - 11. One cleaner once a week for 2.5 hours which frankly doesn’t scratch the surface of the mess, laundry, cooking and general chaos!)

Sorry I quoted the wrong person! I meant to agree with the quote, and slight challenge the OP with my comments.

So the OP and her DH are being too vague, not Milliee.
Need a coffee …

Stealing this!

It’s the same as with kids. You have to find his currency. Is it money? Outsource everything no matter the cost. Is it food? Just serve pre-made crap. Let him feel the negative consequences.

Yeah this. Absolutely.

Lean into this suggestion.

Well, he won't be able to cook or wash up, obviously. His penis gets in the way so much he can't reach the stove or the sink....

He’s a waste of space op; but you know this- yabu to expect anything else from him

How patronizing!

This is a longstanding bone of contention in our marriage.

So...we talking long enough to be before you bred with him?

Why does OP need to take on additional mental load of helping a grown man know what he has to clean? I'm assuming she already takes on more than her fair share of mental load in terms of the household/kids because, let's face it, women overwhelmingly do. He's not incapable of doing it or somehow blind to it, he just can't be arsed. If he was actually keen to help, he would find lists and methods for himself. Like we do. I'm sure OP wasn't born with some sort of innate ability to do housework and her husband wasn't. He thinks it's women's work and beneath him by the sounds of things.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

If you do want to get the whole household involved, the Sweepy app can be quite good fun as you get points for doing your tasks (and you can do other people's tasks and get their points if they are slacking on them). You can share it among various household members.

Strategic waffle and incompetence. He does it because he can.

God that Swedish list makes me feel so depressed, but also makes me feel slightly better for feeling exhausted by the amount I’m carrying (and we’d both tick full time job!)

I think making a full list of tasks that need done and allocating tasks would be the best idea. That way when he hasn't been contributing you can show him how he wasn't or it might appear he's doing more than you think it's just that you all have so much going on it doesn't hit the sides which I can relate to

Go and grab a large coffee 🤣

This is exactlythe right course of action.

I will say it again- he is doing it because you have always backed down before.

I work with a super confident person who tells everyone what she expects from them and I am slightly in awe of her.

List and share.

Do a chore lottery if he picks the easier jobs.

When he fails you know you've tried and hes a lazy shit.

I would agree to his challenge. Let him do nothing for one week. Then the next week you do nothing. That way you can both get a feel for what the other was doing. Then reconvene after the two weeks to further the discussion.

Schedule a full 45mins for you to both sit down together and write out a full list of chores to carve up and allocate. You can't both be doing your fair share if you don't put the time into dividing everything up and agreeing who does what. Just shouting at each other now and again isn't enough. Chores need to be run like a job share with good communication and everything written down and agreed.

Sounds fine to me. A week where he does nothing and you pick up the slack, followed by a week where you do nothing and he picks up the slack. Then discuss the experience.

Men often grow up just taking it for granted that domestic stuff gets done, they take leisure time for granted. At the core it's based on a deep misogyny that says women should spend decades of their lives scrubbing and wiping and tidying and cleaning while men get to play golf or potter about in sheds or whatever. That women are responsible for all of life's filth, basically.

Do a week each then make a list of all the things that need doing to keep the house going, and split it between you.

Some good tips here - thank you!

I love the idea of downing tools next week. However, much of the work is related to the kids and I don’t think I could bring myself to do that to them - with four I have to run a really tight ship with washing for clean uniforms, shopping to make sure we have food in etc. One child has some additional medical needs and I don’t want them to suffer the consequences of his laziness.

To answer some of the points above yes, I feel disrespected. I have sent him the article about the washing up previously and he just doesn’t get it at all.

He thinks I should just chill out about housework but then he grew up in a very messy house which was/is seldom cleaned by anyone. He has always been a bit like this but it was less noticeable prior to having a fourth child (which he begged me to have with all sorts of promises of help which never transpired).

In his defence, he works long hours in a high pressure and well paid job. But I don’t see why that prevents him doing any housework at the weekend…

It’s always been a bone of contention? But you had 4 kids with him. That doesn’t happen by accident.

You picked him. You had multiple kids with him. At some point, you need to accept the life you chose. He never lied about who hr was if he has been this way forever. You married him for who he was. This is your life.

If you want different then leave him and make a better choice.

Move into a travelodge for a fortnight. It is the only way he will realise how much needs doing in a household. In fact bugger the Travelodge book a cheap holiday in the sun.

To some extent it is about finding agreed levels of tidiness and cleanliness etc - I don't think a scrupulously tidy person can move in with a relatively messy person and expect them to completely change, but you can meet in the middle.

A week off for you is definitely do-able. Uniforms can be done at the weekend (and wearing a shirt two days in a row never killed anyone). Ditto food - if you've got cereal, milk and pasta pesto, you'll survive! Of course your child with medical needs shouldn't be impacted but I can't imagine there isn't a way through - say you'll do xyz essential tasks and the rest is up to him.

It will be a learning experience for your kids to see how much there is to do in the house, having to improvise with some things etc. You might find that some of the stuff you do is kind of overkill and you can stop doing that task or do it differently.

We can easily fall into enjoying the feeling of being needed without asking whether someone else would do that job if we didn't - which is a nice way of saying being a martyr.

That’s based on the assumption that they are not only do something, but doing almost all.