To be totally hacked off at DH’s refusal to do any housework?

[SoLittleTimeToday]

This is a longstanding bone of contention in our marriage. He simply will not pull his weight. If challenged he becomes incredibly defensive, and either claims to be doing loads, says the kids should do more, or says my standards are too high (believe me, with four DC and doing everything on my own, they are not!)

We had another row about this yesterday. He said that to ‘show me that he is doing loads’ he is going to stop doing anything for a week. AIBU to think that this is incredibly immature for a grown man and not very supportive in a marriage where we are supposed to be working as a team?

(For context we both work FT, children aged 4 - 11. One cleaner once a week for 2.5 hours which frankly doesn’t scratch the surface of the mess, laundry, cooking and general chaos!)

Men can’t treat us like 1950s housewives AND cash cows.

An excellent point @IAmTheWalrus85 - they can only treat us like that if we let them.

DH thankfully, is smart enough to have never tried to treat me as anything except totally equal to him. I did get once or twice "I did the dishes for you" and it was answered with a glare and an evenings worth of taking the piss which ensured he never uttered that particular phrase again!

He wouldn’t starve them, no. However, conditions at home would deteriorate and no doubt be my problem to fix when I returned home! So leaving him to it is not a long term solution. I want him to pull his weight day to day, not hold the fort for periods of time whilst I frantically run around doing all the work before and after.

The more I think about it, the more I think we need more help but I actually resent organising a team of people to run around doing all the stuff he is too lazy to do! And I also don’t think it sends a good message to the DC…

id Try making a list of tasks (daily, weekly,
monthly) and agree a schedule, and it can include the kids to.

The more I think about it, the more I think we need more help but I actually resent organising a team of people to run around doing all the stuff he is too lazy to do! And I also don’t think it sends a good message to the DC…

By the sounds of it you'd still end up spending the vast majority of the energy and time that needs doing to run a house and raise a family, even with more practical outside help.

"We both contribute equally" sends a better message to the kids than, one of us runs round like a blue arsed fly and feels resentful about it, and one of us feels entitled to pick and choose our efforts and get defensive when pressed for what's fair.

I think if you down-tools for a week it will backfire as you'll have to clean up after the strike as Mr wont budge his arse.

You could offer a trade deal?
He stops contributing for a week and YOU agree to pick up the slack.
You stop contributing to the housework for a week and HE picks up the slack.

I think we both who is going to end up with a plateful.

Also, he sounds like a petulant twat.

Well done for using your incompetence as a way of getting out if doing the every day jobs and getting yourself a nice little gig of pottering around once a month to do a couple of jobs.
You've just said she does the hard stuff and you do the easy stuff, do you not see how shit that is for your wife

the time to have stopped posting was before the first one you made in this thread.

You are insulting all people who pull their weight at home. Just stop it. You're not big. You're not clever and you most certainly aren't amusing.

OP after reading you last post i think you are your own worst enemy, either stop making excuses for downing tools or learn to live with the situation.

Literally the same as my DH.

I've had to keep lowering the bar until it reaches his threshold. It never has. We live in a hideous pit of dust and cat furbombs.

I dream of moving out one day.

It's much, much more likely to be a female cleaner in her home.

Apologies to any male cleaners reading this and feeling left out.

your issue is you have allowed it to happen

you should have nipped that\laid down the law from day 1

before i even moved in with mine he was told im not his mother or his housekeeper and we were 20/21 with no kids at the time moving in to a 1bedroom flat.
we were together 5 years before my first baby came along

2 kids later(both have special needs)and 22years later he did everything he should have done.

he left us for my ex best friend in oct 2020 but that's another story. my reply is to say that there are decent men who are not sexist out there

in fact i would say he did more that the average man as he was a full time carer so couldn't work(as was/am i) and home educator(we home educate)

we never married as i don't agree with marriage but we had a very happy life

im 42 and will never pick up after a man just becasue im female
even though my boys have disabilities they have been taught that people are equal not matter what sex they are and try to help best they can, they are 18 and 12

i was brought up in the 80s,teenager in the 90s and unusual at the time my parents were equal partners so my mother never put up with that nonsense either

There was a study done once where couples were individually asked to give a % of what they believed they contributed to the household chores. The average couples score added up to 150% or something, showing that most people overestimated what they do compared to their partner.

If there is resentment people need to create structure so that it’s transparent what the balance is otherwise each side could be massively underestimating what the other does.

That said, some flexibility would be needed in our house we recognise that our energy levels differ each week and if one of us is having a particularly challenging week for whatever reason then the other will pick up the slack a bit.

Why did you have four kids with him
I doubt he became useless overnight

My dh was like this. Took years for him to change, now he's great. I still do more but work fewer hours, so fair enough.

I found lists and telling him what needs doing just made him dig his heals in. The lightbulb moment came when I told him it's about supporting me and not watching me struggle that was the issue. He finally got it.

I think most of us will dig our heels in if we're nagged or moaned at.

@Gcsunnyside23 @Brefugee I'm pretty sure @tonyele is being tongue in cheek with his/her/posts....

That's very patronising. Of course op will nag (very misogynistic term and only ever used to try and shut women up) and moan at her dh if she's struggling on her own with 4 dc and a lazy selfish arise for a partner.

@SoLittleTimeToday it's ultimatum time. He is in or out. He can't have it both ways.

I think most of us will dig our heels in if we're nagged or moaned at.

misogynistic slurs won't help. Frankly? he isn't "supporting her" or "helping her" or anything else when he pulls his finger out. He is acting like an adult in a household of 6 members. If you see the washing needs doing: do it. You shouldn't need telling, let alone reminding.

But, OP - bring your DCs up to clean up after themselves and spot what needs doing without being told. Their future partners thank you.

Agreed that idea of 'helping' and 'supporting' is automatically placing one partner, usually the woman as being the one who is in charge of making sure that housework is done. And the other person, usually the man, just needs to 'help'.

I remember reading a thread on here way back that every time someone fails to pull their weight around the house or creates more work for the other person, it's like saying FUCK YOU to the person who has to clean or clear up after them.

Why not try writing down every job done at the end of each day and compare notes? It's horrible being on the end of someone who thinks you do nothing.

Rather than both downing tools, why not swap? Write a list of all of the tasks you would otherwise do tomorrow. Ask him to do the same. Swap.

(This is clearly silly, but unless you are going to leave him then you need to find some way of getting him to do more.)

So just to take today as an example. I have since getting up:

Taken washing down, tumble dried the last wet bits. Folded it into baskets for kids to put away
Ironed a shirt for older DC
Sorted uniform for younger DC
Sorted PE kit for older DC
Made packed lunches x 2
Unloaded dishwasher
Fed DCs breakfast and cleared up afterwards
Supervised younger DC with dressing and tooth brushing, and brushed/styled hair for school
Walked kids to school
Walked back again
Worked 8.45am - 3.15pm
Picked DCs up from school
Emailed after school club about after school care
Booked emergency dentist appointment
Cooked tea while refereeing fighting DC
Cleared up
Walked one DC to an activity
Organised older DC for online music lessons
Fed DC supper and given one DC medication
Bathed DC
Put two DC to bed
Put washing on
Supervised older DC homework
Still to do: hang out washing, do the ironing, put older DC to bed

This is while suffering an infected impacted wisdom tooth!

DH has:

Got up, had breakfast
WFH 8am - 6pm
Picked one DC from activity
Assisted with bathtime

I do appreciate that he works longer hours than me, but frankly working those hours would seem to me to be like a holiday compared to juggling everything listed above!

You can't change a person. Ever. You've already had all the discussions with him. He knows and he doesn't care. You either 1) accept the situation or 2) leave.

Personally I could not live like that.

I'm pretty much on your side. Did you do paid work today? he was working from 8 to 6 - when was he supposed to fit housework in? what is it that you did today that he could have done? You need to come up with practical workable ideas and then just tell him that's his job, if you think that will achieve anything.

sorry - i see you worked until 3.15.

You just need to parcel up the jobs and ask which one he's doing.

but it won't get you anywhere. He is never ever going to change. You know that.

Ok, we get it. You can choose to rid yourself of the deadweight, or continue as you are, the loser is quite open about not changing.