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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be average but wanting more

137 replies

Allyoli · 23/04/2023 18:39

Nc for reasons.

My life is just... middling. Plodding along. I'm 35. I enjoy my job, although I've hit a ceiling in my career, both progression and salary wise. Financially I'm OK, no debts, can save a little each month. Me and my partner are in a stable, happy relationship. Would like to buy a home but still can't afford to yet. I'm quite fit, go to the gym, run 2-3 times a week and do yoga.

My life is not a bad problem to have, but what now? How do I progress my life and make it more interesting from here? Most goals seem to be about earning more money to buy a better life, but I can't see that being possible without retraining to do something I don't enjoy.

Any tips or advice for how to figure this out?

(Ps. Have decided not to have kids).

OP posts:
Lykke1000 · 23/04/2023 19:40

my feeling is that not wanting kids is strongly correlated with not finding a purpose in life

Amethyst9 · 23/04/2023 19:50

Well to be honest if you don’t want kids then the sky is your limit - lots of women me included feel we must plan the rest of our lives around this to an extent. Have you done any soul searching to work out what you really want? Do you want to get married? If you don’t want kids and you can afford to save a little you can probably retrain. How about a second job or side job? What do you actually enjoy?

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/04/2023 19:51

Lykke1000 · 23/04/2023 19:40

my feeling is that not wanting kids is strongly correlated with not finding a purpose in life

Wow

tescocreditcard · 23/04/2023 19:52

Buy a camper van and travel for a year living frugally. Or buy a "tiny home" to live in and go freelance in your job

FilthyforFirth · 23/04/2023 19:54

Lykke1000 · 23/04/2023 19:40

my feeling is that not wanting kids is strongly correlated with not finding a purpose in life

Oof!

Butterflyfluff · 23/04/2023 19:55

Lykke1000 · 23/04/2023 19:40

my feeling is that not wanting kids is strongly correlated with not finding a purpose in life

Bloody hell!

If your only purpose in life is your kids - how is that better?

Brieandme · 23/04/2023 19:56

Well Lykke1000 found a purpose in life of trolling on the internet.

I'm sure it won't take the OP much to do better than that!

TheSaturdayAfternoonnessOfIt · 23/04/2023 19:58

Lykke1000 · 23/04/2023 19:40

my feeling is that not wanting kids is strongly correlated with not finding a purpose in life

Are you posting from 1950?

catinthesunshine · 23/04/2023 19:59

Do you have any hobbies you enjoy or would like to get into?

Brieandme · 23/04/2023 20:04

@Allyoli I find thinking of things that you might typically wait until retirement to try, but then doing them now - for me that has been some travel and learning to sketch. Getting involved in the community, finding something that feels useful and makes a difference. And learning to enjoy the moment rather than feeling that I've always got to work towards a target - when I was younger I was often delaying having fun because I was studying/saving/retraining and it was always in the future, so learning to enjoy 'now' is key!

JamSandle · 23/04/2023 20:06

Hobbies, education, volunteering, causes, travel, projects. :)

Mercurial123 · 23/04/2023 20:06

Lykke1000 · 23/04/2023 19:40

my feeling is that not wanting kids is strongly correlated with not finding a purpose in life

Hopefully most people ignore your "feelings".

TheRookie · 23/04/2023 20:08

The problem here is money. With no kids, the world is your oyster... If you have money to fund it. Can do afford nice holidays? Do you have hobbies?

I think most people do plod along in life, enjoying their days off, not hating their job if they're lucky, those with kids obviously have a different lifestyle to those without but it's still plodding!

LisaD1 · 23/04/2023 20:09

I guess it depends why you’re asking. Do you feel you’re missing something or do you feel under pressure from what society expects? If the latter ignore it. If the former what do you want? It’s really yours for the taking. Suggestions above about travel, volunteering etc are great ones.

ThinWomansBrain · 23/04/2023 20:11

Lykke1000 · 23/04/2023 19:40

my feeling is that not wanting kids is strongly correlated with not finding a purpose in life

how uninspiring for any children you have - to be brought up thinking the only purpose in life is to procreate.
Is your attitude different from sons compared to daughters?

Koalar · 23/04/2023 20:12

the pp has said it bluntly but I would say most people your age get their meaning in life from children or work. I get a huge sense of purpose from my children. That’s not to say you have to have kids to find meaning but that if you don’t have that route you might have to think outside the box a bit. I think I would look at community, religious or charity activities: this giving is a great way to get a sense of meaning without it being about needing more money.

JonahAndTheSnail · 23/04/2023 20:13

Any goals you like the idea of that are related to fitness, like marathon training to raise money for charity? Travel bucket list of you and your partner's top destinations?

Original poster
Allyoli · 23/04/2023 20:16

@LisaD1 I guess I kind of feel like... is this it?
I've always been a high achiever and have turned into a pretty unremarkable adult. Maybe my issue is more to do with coming to terms with that?

OP posts:
LuciferRising · 23/04/2023 20:18

I am a decade older and do have kids. I'm further along in my career. I do hobbies; ones that make my blood pump but I just feel like something is missing. I honestly think it is adventure and comradeship. I feel the missing thing when running a race as a group. Or when I'm doing something that makes me nervous or afraid.

Generally, im just bored and am wondering whether this is it.

Original poster
Allyoli · 23/04/2023 20:21

@Lykke1000 @Koalar
I included that point because I knew someone would be along to recommend having kids.

I didn't want to go into it too much, but to have kids we'd need to do IVF. We just don't want to go through all that. It's a bit negative, but I also really worry for kids now, they have such a hard time and can't say I hold out much hope for their future.

OP posts:
Stripedbag101 · 23/04/2023 20:26

Lykke1000 · 23/04/2023 19:40

my feeling is that not wanting kids is strongly correlated with not finding a purpose in life

My feeing is you make sweeping statements based on your own personal life view 😂

Speedweed · 23/04/2023 20:27

I don't think it's that no kids = no purpose, just that having kids is an easy way (definitely not the only way) to give your life meaning, so if you don't want kids, you have to find something else which does the same job. It could be volunteering, some sort of achievement or goal - something that gives you a reason to get up and connects you to a bigger purpose.

Hubblebubble · 23/04/2023 20:36

Masters degrees are funded now. If you haven't already got one, could you do one?

underneaththeash · 23/04/2023 20:38

Lykke1000 · 23/04/2023 19:40

my feeling is that not wanting kids is strongly correlated with not finding a purpose in life

I agree

thisisallquitecomplicated · 23/04/2023 20:38

OP, are you happy? Genuinely, are you happy? Or is it looking at what others have achieved that make you feel 'mediocre'? Because if you are happy than it is fine for your life to be sufficient.

Fo you have any passions? Would you be interested in trying some stuff out to see if you can find something you care about more concretely?