To be average but wanting more

[Allyoli]

Nc for reasons.

My life is just... middling. Plodding along. I'm 35. I enjoy my job, although I've hit a ceiling in my career, both progression and salary wise. Financially I'm OK, no debts, can save a little each month. Me and my partner are in a stable, happy relationship. Would like to buy a home but still can't afford to yet. I'm quite fit, go to the gym, run 2-3 times a week and do yoga.

My life is not a bad problem to have, but what now? How do I progress my life and make it more interesting from here? Most goals seem to be about earning more money to buy a better life, but I can't see that being possible without retraining to do something I don't enjoy.

Any tips or advice for how to figure this out?

(Ps. Have decided not to have kids).

I think you have to figure out what YOU want. The "most goals" you mention in your OP are what other people think most people want.

I struggled with this in my mid-30s as well. I realised I was defining success without reference to myself and what I really wanted. And that was to experience as much as I could. You only get one life, and I wanted to see and do as much as I could of the things I loved. I ended up leaving the country and never came back. It's been a rollercoaster at times, so much good and sometimes bad but never, ever boring. In the end, I did have kids but we had a great life before them (objectively probably better 😆 although I wouldn't change a thing).

Travel might not be your thing, but you have to ask yourself: what is? What makes you really happy and fulfilled? Then work out how to do much more of it.

What an odd thing to say about kids and direction. Angela Merkel, for example, hasn't noticeably lacked direction. Nor Oprah Winfrey, Dolly Parton, or many many people's favourite (or most intimidating) aunts, teachers, bosses, or ladies running the local stables.

You mention you've been a high achiever, if that's important, what does does that mean for you? Money? Retrain. Or if it's being excellent then put energy into a skill you enjoy, if it's academic then take a course you'll do well in, if it's some acclaim and feeling you're been taking action, there's local politics and beyond. Or if it's being valued then family or the right sort of volunteering. You have more time than you think, but I do think now is the moment, as annoyingly it's harder for people to take things seriously and not as hobbies once you're a woman over 40. It's

The person who mentioned kids and lack of purpose did not speak well, but may not have been rude intentionally. Many people reach your age and realize life doesn’t quite match their dreams, but they find purpose in raising another generation. There is no reason you need to seek your purpose with children. You are possibly feeling that realization of your 30s a little more because you don’t have that distraction, that is all.

one of the things I have realized as I approach 50 is that achievement doesn’t have to be recognized to be meaningful. It can be self-goals and self-fulfillment. You have the time to explore your passions, so explore them. Find a hobby and become an expert. Take university classes in a subject that interests you, not to further your career, but just to learn. Feeding your mind and your soul brings joy and meaning to your life.

It's not. It just shows how little imagination she has

There is nothing wrong with being content with your life exactly as it is, without constantly yearning and striving and "acheiving". The new norm of Hustle Culture is the emperor's new clothes, and an ordinary life is a blessing with a tiny little bit of perspective.

Child free people do not lack purpose, quite the opposite for you as it's a conscious decision. People with children generally just don't have the time or option to question their decision.

This is a fantastic post. I agree.

Whilst I agree having kids can give purpose, so can many other things. Having kids can also be insufficient purpose for some people who, having had them, regret it (the taboo unspoken reality I'm convinced many carry) or can become someone's sole purpose sometimes to their benefit but also to some people's detriment (when all they are is their kids, they lose sense of self and personality, and when the kids are gone suffer the difficulty of losing that purpose).

I say this OP because the hurtful comments some have made re not having kids being the issue aren't accurate in my view.

You have the benefit of not having to think about your responsibilities to kids and can really change up your life if you want to. You can travel more, look at moving abroad, take a sabbatical and adopt vanlife, take a risk retraining, or throw yourself into new hobbies. I concur with pp's suggestion of counselling - it can help refocus so you can work out what you want. Life is hopefully long with many phases. You can do so much.

Have you been travelling for any period of time? Is there anywhere you and your DP would like to go? You can go anywhere!

I am child free and I absolutely do not lack purpose. I have a fantastic career, a beautiful home, I am close with my family and I have a small group of close friends.

I sit on a number of boards in a voluntary capacity, I travel when I want and I am
genuinely satisfied with my life.

I understand some people are focused on being parents - that’s just not me.

there is a lot more to life and not everyone is wired the same. I suppose some people lack the imagination and life experience to understand that not everyone has the same
basic wants and needs.

If your pockets of happiness outweigh your pockets of of unhappiness you are doing well, actually, better then just average.

But I would say study, classes in something that inspires you. Academic or whatever. Look at your local Adult Education Centre.

I think it's a feeling that comes to most of us at some point. When everything becomes a bit 'samey'.

I know it sounds a bit cliche (get a new hobby etc) but you sound like you're in good shape with your exercise, and if you're a high achiever type person - maybe it's about finding a new goal? Take up a sort of activity that will take a while to master - sailing, horse riding, climbing, archery, karate etc etc Maybe try and find something to get your teeth stuck into.

I've definitely felt this way though, I think you go through education and the following year it's a new year group, new challenge, new set of exams - then uni, then you figure out your job. And all during that time you're learning how to adult and the world sort of opens up and you're doing everything with friends and it's just all new experiences. You hit your late 20s and it's climbing a ladder job wise. Learning, proving yourself and that at some point it all starts to settle. Jobs level out, you're putting your partying behind you, you want to save for a house rather than travel etc etc and you kind of think - well this is dull..... I don't think you're alone and I've definitely had the same thing.

What’s your relationship with your DP like? You don’t make much reference to them. Is it lack lustre? How does your DP feel about the current state of play?

Do you feel that you might benefit from some life coaching or counselling around the decision not to have children?

I think it’s an entirely rational choice to make, but if you’ve had to consider IVF then it’s not entirely been free choice, I assume, and so it would be natural to have some feelings and issues to work through.

That said, if you’re not going to be tied to child-raising, the sky’s the limit for you in terms of what you can or might achieve. You really can forge whatever path you choose. You’re not even tied to a geographic area as you’re not a homeowner yet.

What sort of life would bring you joy?

I've got kids but now they've left home and so now what? My life was only remarkable for the 20 years they were here in your eyes? We all plod to various degrees, not sure how having kids isn't just plodding but on a different track

you’ve misunderstood my point. I certainly don’t think having kids is a remarkable way to live you life.

My point is, it gives you something to do with 20 years or so with a sense of personal fulfilment. If you don’t have that then don’t spend your life just doing the boring bits, do something extraordinary. Because you can.

Why does an ordinary childless life sound horrific?

because ordinary is nothing, it’s boring, it’s unfulfilled. Having kids fulfils you for a period of time, not right not wrong but it does. So if you don’t have kids go and do something amazing, don’t work at fucking NatWest and watch Ant and Dec on a Saturday night until you die.

Ouch somebody here has had kids to live vicariously through them and will no doubt be bitching about everything they they have to do that is school related!

I think for many people fulfilment comes from giving to others. That can be your own children, or volunteering with a charity that helps people/the environment/animals - whatever is meaningful to you.

I would travel far more if I was childless. And would investigate living and working in another country. With no kids and no mortgage there is nothing tying you down to the one place.

Hobbies and sports can also bring a lot of joy and meaning. What about joining a team sport instead of the gym?

For me personally, aside from my kids, it's always career related when I need to find a spark or drive or purpose. Finding new things to accomplish, skills to acquire, opportunities to pursue. And that's not about the financial benefits but the excitement/challenge. I'm in a creative sector so admittedly don't know if this is possible where you work, but I'm definitely someone who lives to work not the other way around! And that's alongside family, friends, exercise, hobbies etc. I've never wanted to climb a mountain or run a marathon, so try to get my thrills from achieving stuff in work (probably a natural extension of being a nerdy student).

Hi - I get it but I would take some time out and smell the roses. You have your health, you have (some) money and a loving partner. That is pretty much a dream scenario. I suspect you are just bored - volunteer, get involved, find new goals. Ie travel, blog, book, marathon, new language etc… having had a rough few yrs health wise just walking leisurely in a forest looking at colours makes me so so happy.

Pick up a book about ikigai. Nice concept. Only you can say what you need or what you're good at.

Strong disagree. Just because you don’t have kids doesn’t mean you have to do something amazing. If most people who have kids didn’t have then they would they too would have an ordinary life. Child free people don’t need to feel pressure to do more than others because they don’t have kids. They do have freedom to live life more the way they want too but that might be working less, spending more time in hobbies etc etc. not everyone needs to be the high powered executive. A life you enjoy is more important.

I agree with this.

My job has pretty much hit a ceiling (its a high ceiling but a ceiling none the less). Mayyyybe i could go higher (but maybe not?) the extra pressure vs money isnt worth it as we are comfortable and the £ wouldnt meaningfully improve our lives.

I have a baby now but left it late, she's cool but not my purpose.

I love holidays but i do find travel very samey due to globalisation so prefer activity hols now.

I strive for quiet contentment and having fun.

Can you set a fitness goal? Run a marathon?
Start gardening?

HI @Allyoli everything you say is spot on how I feel I lot of the time! And let me tell you, having a child has not changed that one iota. If anything it's made it worse as I want to be someone my child is proud of. So don't listen to any idiots telling you this is to do with kids/ no kids, it's nonsense.

More than anything I thought I'd have a job I loved and was passionate about. Turns out I've a fairly dull job that I'm quite good at but the kind of job that really isn't going to get anyone interested at party. And my life is very ordinary.

I think you've hit it on the nose with your comment above. But maybe acceptance is a better, kinder word? As in not beating yourself up because of standards and expectations you alone hold yourself to. But acceptance doesn't have to mean lying down and giving up on everything. You can accept the life you have and who you are while still taking opportunities to do things that bring you excitement and joy. I'm preaching things I don't actually manage to practice myself yet... good luck with your journey .x

If anything it's made it worse as I want to be someone my child is proud of. So don't listen to any idiots telling you this is to do with kids/ no kids, it's nonsense

would your child be proud that their parent is in the internet calling people names because they have a different opinion?