To be average but wanting more

[Allyoli]

Nc for reasons.

My life is just... middling. Plodding along. I'm 35. I enjoy my job, although I've hit a ceiling in my career, both progression and salary wise. Financially I'm OK, no debts, can save a little each month. Me and my partner are in a stable, happy relationship. Would like to buy a home but still can't afford to yet. I'm quite fit, go to the gym, run 2-3 times a week and do yoga.

My life is not a bad problem to have, but what now? How do I progress my life and make it more interesting from here? Most goals seem to be about earning more money to buy a better life, but I can't see that being possible without retraining to do something I don't enjoy.

Any tips or advice for how to figure this out?

(Ps. Have decided not to have kids).

I suppose it depends on your definition of what a 'normal life' is -- what the OP describes sounds very dull to me, rather than 'normal', compared to what I was doing when I was 35, and what most of my friends were doing. (I had decided not to have children either at that age, though I did have my son just shy of 40.)

@SaladRooney I know what you mean. Before I had my child, I was working abroad, travelling to far flung places and I did extreme sports. That was my normal. But sometimes I have to remind myself that it really isn't everyone's normal. I think OP has got caught up in 'the grind', made worse by a cost of living crisis, and is looking for inspiration to add a bit of zest to her life.

Well, in a sense yes, this is it. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like you had a happy and fulfilling childhood and adolescence – fun social life, good A-levels, top university, that sort of thing? The problem with that kind of adolescence is that it sets you up for disappointment. You get in the habit of expecting good things. Parents often make it worse, overpraising the child and filling them with unrealistic expectations.

When Peter Cook died, I remember someone writing that he served as a warning to those who have too much too young. Cook was beautiful, talented, rich, famous. He had everything you could want by 25. But where do you go from there? The only way is down. I'm in my 40s now and don't have much at all. To an outsider, my life would appear a failure. Yet I'm fairly happy – probably happier than many people. But that's because I was so desperately unhappy in my teens and 20s that everything now is a bonus.

I know so many unfulfilled people who are parents and who plod glumly through life.

I think it's fine to make a choice to not have kids but is this a choice you've come to terms with?
It sounds like it's not completely your choice to not have kids so it may be worth exploring that for a bit so you can move on and find the fulfilment you're looking for.

It sounds pretty normal to me and I’m younger than OP! What more do you think “normal” people are doing? I’m assuming OP also socialises and goes on holiday sometimes too. Anything beyond that is more than what most people do with their lives based on my observations of people I know

I'm also interested in learning what this exciting "normal" is. I'm similar age to you, OP, childfree and struggle with similar experiences and feelings. My daily life feels very dull and mundane.

Some people suggest "working abroad" as an answer. Presumably, that's a job that let's you work in lots of different countries rather than just one (i.e. I'm British but work in America) otherwise I'm sure the same feelings of mundane-ness would creep in?

I'm trying to do more travel, weekend trips in the UK and abroad as much as finances allow. I'm also trying to find more hobbies and a side passion project/business. Also practicing gratitude for the mundane-ness: Yesterday, I was sat in my back garden having a glass of wine and thought 'this is what my ancestors prayed and fought for' (I'm a child of immigrants).

OP, maybe it is worth trying a mixture of things, some everyday and a few really exciting. And then enjoying your journey of discovery.

It was a blow to me when I realized I was always going to be just average. I probably turned my efforts into making my sons above average.

I'm curious about the way you describe yourself as 'unremarkable'.

You sound dissatisfied with your life, even though by all accounts it sounds pretty good from the outside.

I suppose most people are 'unremarkable' in a lot of ways, but still find meaning and purpose in their lives and are able to have some degree of contentment/ happiness.

Are you not happy being unremarkable? And if not, in what way would you like to be more remarkable?

If everybody was remarkable no one would be remarkable I suppose.

I have spent many hours doing voluntary work alongside raising children, working and trying hobbies.

Two food projects for people on low incomes, one was started 12 years ago and has fed thousands of people, that was the most challenging and the thing in my life I am most proud of. I now volunteer for a MH charity.

I am married to a man who really is remarkable, his research has potentially saved millions of lives. I can never live up to that but I had such an awful childhood I feel remarkable that I survived and have managed to do anything useful at all if I’m honest. My mother and stepfather were alcoholics and we were neglected.

My friends DH who has just retired helps adults learn to read and makes a huge difference to their lives. Another friend volunteers for a National charity and gives them free legal advice his rate as a corporate lawyer is eye wateringly expensive, he has saved them thousands by looking at contracts.

@JaneyGee I had the opposite of the childhood you write about, it makes me very grateful for anything nice in my life at all.

OP have you thought of taking a sabbatical from work? Most big corporations allow you to forego a few day’s leave for a number of years to enable a 3, 6, 9 or 12-month period with a proportion of pay.
Something like that could give you the opportunity to get away from your current routine, and find something you would like to do, whether it’s educational (getting a new qualification) or travelling, or trying something completely different.
A friend did this in her forties - took a sabbatical from her high-powered Advertising career and became a hairdresser. She never went back to her original job and owns her own salon, which is thriving now, as is she!

What's your plan? What do you enjoy? Do that more.

For me & my other half, if we hadn't had kids. We'd travel. Take time off from work as much as possible doing the things we love the most.

I would have a think and get some plans. Work towards whatever that may be.

I remember reading that to find your passion you should try and remember what you wanted to be when you were 10 years old. Wanted to be a champion show jumper? Take some riding lessons. Wanted to be a pop singer? Join a choir. That kind of thing.

Kid don’t give you purpose they make it so you don’t have time to recognise that you have no other purpose so aren’t sat there unfulfilled 😂

I think others saying most people are unremarkable are right too. They/we are. Super rich/famous/impactful people are not the norm, that’s why they get more attention and publicity and are seen as aspirational. If everyone was on TV/making scientific breakthroughs/writing bestsellers/trekking jungles then all those things wouldn’t seem remarkable at all.

But if you have time and money you can invest both of those things into doing stuff you enjoy. It’s got to be for yourself though, not external validation.

You need to find purpose. Money is not a purpose, once your basic needs are met. Find a passion, a project, and map out how to get there. Most people your age will be busy with small kids in the next few years so you will need for think outside the box indeed.

I'm not sure I know any truly 'remarkable' people. I'm going to message the whatsapp groups and tell my family and friends to pull their bloody socks up.

This is fab. I always wanted to be an astronaut and always regret not doing astronomy or astrophysics as a degree but I've done some courses now that have made me feel the spark again.

When I was that age, I'd spent five years in a job that involved me spending six months a year living overseas and six months in London. Then I took a career break, worked as a journalist in the ME for a year while DP worked there, and then lived for eight months on an otherwise uninhabited island as a caretaker, writing a book. Then I worked in the west of Ireland for a few years, got married and had a baby in London and wrote my first novel. I wasn't unusual among the people I knew -- around the same time, one moved to Iceland on an academic exchange for a couple of years with her family, another was doing ultramarathons in the desert and the arctic and started his own company, one adopted a baby from China and moved back to her native NY after 20 years in the UK, one was living a peripatetic life working as a stage manager for a touring opera company, one (who'd had a baby in her teens) started art school when her daughter finished school and kept body and soul together as a backing musician.

Lots of failure, risks, ideas that didn't come off, moves that were a minor disaster, etc etc, and I'm not saying everyone should aspire to this or anything like it -- just saying that life aged 35 doesn't have to be a matter of job, relationship, gym, holidays, unless you want it to.

These were all deeply ordinary people, too, not from privilege or with a lot of money underpinning them.

I'm in my 50's now and I do have a dc, born when I was in my 30's. I had established my career by then and while I love her beyond compare she is not the defining factor of my life.

I think it is a massive mistake to allow your worth to be determined by whether, or not, you have children. There are so many people who allow having children to be the dominant focus in their lives and when the children grow up and move out, their marriages are in trouble and they suffer from empty nest syndrome etc

Equally I think it's patronising for people who do have children to say you must volunteer or open orphanages etc in order for your life to be meaningful. As if those two are equal - having your own kids because that's what you chose to do or charity work. If it wasn't so insulting it would be laughable!

To be happy with the life you're living you must find things that motivate you, inspire you, satisfy you and make you feel alive (and let me tell you, kids can ofte be the opposite of that!)

It could be making and maintaining a nice circle of friends, going on holidays, exploring your country, sea swimming, knitting, art, researching your family tree, taking up a language, learning to dance etc etc

And this is AS true for people with kids as it is for those without imo

There are no words. WTF

You must realise though that this isn’t representative of what most people are doing? I say this as a childfree person in London whose friends are majority childfree too in professional careers.

I’ve just come back from working on a Greek island for a few weeks because my work is remote so I can do it anywhere, in February I went husky trekking in the Arctic and in summer I’ll be city hopping round Europe for a month, I also paint murals for public outdoor spaces and I’m writing a book, but day to day, what does my life look like? Work, home, dinner, walk dogs, sleep! In between the activities it feels mundane. Even being a digital nomad, while a hugely privileged thing to do, doesn’t feel like a constant buzz because while you’re sat by the beach in great weather you’re still working!

It’s easy to talk about stuff and make it sound like every second is exciting and creative but that’s not my, or many people’s, experience of reality. I’m sure you’ll find more people who’ve never run a marathon in the desert or lived on an uninhabited island than those who have, though, and I don’t think it’s really fair to call OP dull because she isn’t doing that.

Yes. I console myself by thinking of how few people who were famous or successful from 100 or more years ago are still widely remembered today. In 100 years' time, most of the people I might envy now for their success will be forgotten.

I don't have children and I can honestly say I don't want an extraordinary life full of living in another country, living on a house boat etc. I want to have a lovely settled life with my husband and have interesting friends and do interesting things.

When we realised we wouldn't have children there was a "what now" moment as we had assumed that would be way our lives had structure etc as we got older. But once we got used to the idea we just got back to living our lives and trying to make sure we are comfortable and aim to have a nice retirement.