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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be average but wanting more

137 replies

Allyoli · 23/04/2023 18:39

Nc for reasons.

My life is just... middling. Plodding along. I'm 35. I enjoy my job, although I've hit a ceiling in my career, both progression and salary wise. Financially I'm OK, no debts, can save a little each month. Me and my partner are in a stable, happy relationship. Would like to buy a home but still can't afford to yet. I'm quite fit, go to the gym, run 2-3 times a week and do yoga.

My life is not a bad problem to have, but what now? How do I progress my life and make it more interesting from here? Most goals seem to be about earning more money to buy a better life, but I can't see that being possible without retraining to do something I don't enjoy.

Any tips or advice for how to figure this out?

(Ps. Have decided not to have kids).

OP posts:
ThankmelaterOkay · 23/04/2023 20:38

I get how you feel. We are the same - both mid 30s, want to buy but haven’t yet, decided not to have children (for lots of reasons).

I often think: so what do we do now? I sort of see it as opting out of the system, and now we don’t fit in with what society wants, so it segregates you.

Our goal is to buy somewhere, get jobs that allow for 10/11 months in the U.K., with 1-2 abroad working/AL. Eventually maybe fully remote.

We’d have no one to pass any inheritance to. Perhaps a second cousin, but no one immediate to us would need anything. So do we even try and pay a house off? We’re thinking euthanasia will be our retirement - there’s no way we want to live for 20-30 years with dementia etc.

I think you’ve got to live your life for right now, but equally make sure you have a plan for retirement. Ours sounds mad to I’m sure most people.

LondonQueen · 23/04/2023 20:39

Lykke1000 · 23/04/2023 19:40

my feeling is that not wanting kids is strongly correlated with not finding a purpose in life

Wow, rub salt in the wound.

ParkrunPlodder · 23/04/2023 20:40

Brieandme · 23/04/2023 19:56

Well Lykke1000 found a purpose in life of trolling on the internet.

I'm sure it won't take the OP much to do better than that!

😆 brilliant & accurate.

Toomanycaketins · 23/04/2023 20:43

horses?

ParkrunPlodder · 23/04/2023 20:46

Allyoli · 23/04/2023 20:21

@Lykke1000 @Koalar
I included that point because I knew someone would be along to recommend having kids.

I didn't want to go into it too much, but to have kids we'd need to do IVF. We just don't want to go through all that. It's a bit negative, but I also really worry for kids now, they have such a hard time and can't say I hold out much hope for their future.

I hunk you just need to notice your feelings and sit with them for now. You’ve clearly recently made some big life decisions. I always feel flat when I have nothing I’m actively striving for. So when I stop job hunting because I got offered a job I wanted or when we moved into the house I had been desperate for the sale to go through on wasn’t sure it would be ours till the day we moved in as seller was a bloody pain and we ended up exchanging and completing on the same day. I have cPTSD (only recently realised) from a very challenging childhood and when I achieved goals and didn’t have one lined up to be my next goal, a calm peaceful period in life felt mundane and weird. I have not been receiving treatment and working towards be comfortable with the peaceful times and enjoying the contentment those times bring. I also set my self little tiny goals - like cold water dipping for as many days of 2023 as I can, which helps too.

lunaloveroo · 23/04/2023 20:47

35 is so young and you have so much time to do whatever you want. You say you like your job but there's no progression. Could you do additional study to give you more options? Or if you don't want to study are you passionate about any causes- could you volunteer or become a board member in a charity? One of the things I'd love to do and consider it in the future is becoming a lay magistrate. They really would like more (young) women to join.

LeefPeeper · 23/04/2023 20:47

Lykke1000 · 23/04/2023 19:40

my feeling is that not wanting kids is strongly correlated with not finding a purpose in life

My purpose in life is to not have kids

Amethyst9 · 23/04/2023 20:47

To be honest I would consider investing in some therapy or counselling, if only to explore your feelings on being ‘unremarkable’. It will probably unlock more clarity and purpose for you.

Persuaderama · 23/04/2023 20:47

I think if you make a choice not to have kids you have to really DO something with your life. Go travelling, be a digital nomad, whatever. You can’t just plod along with nothing changing for the next 40 years - that sounds horrific.

Persuaderama · 23/04/2023 20:50

We’re thinking euthanasia will be our retirement - there’s no way we want to live for 20-30 years with dementia

WTAF. People tend to retire at 60-65 whatever, they don’t just sit there dribbling for 20 odd years. How offensive.

illiterato · 23/04/2023 20:55

You could become a mercenary in Ukraine or take up free climbing……. Ok those are extreme examples but basically you can do whatever you want once you get out of the mindset of doing what’s expected/ what everyone else does. You. Luke literally just hack your job, move to the US and live in a trailer for 6 months and explore the desert. Not having kids relieves you of a huge burden of having to create stability/ not die prematurely so you can just go crazy and do all sorts of exciting shit. Don’t waste it!

BungalowLil · 23/04/2023 21:03

Amethyst9 · 23/04/2023 20:47

To be honest I would consider investing in some therapy or counselling, if only to explore your feelings on being ‘unremarkable’. It will probably unlock more clarity and purpose for you.

I speak as a child free, non-euthanised retiree.

Good on you OP for wanting to make the most of every minute of your life.

Lots of my friends and relations had therapy in their 50s. They did it as life and its problems caught up with them. What all of them say is that they wish they'd had gone through the talking therapy in their 30s as it freed them up, ironed out long-held and often unacknowledged problems and opened their minds to new possibilities. All are thriving after therapy.

If you do it now you'll be 20 years ahead of them and won't have to say 'I wish I'd done it sooner' as they all do.

Perhaps the norms of having children, buying a house and climbing the career ladder don't work for you...or me.....or society any more. You're young and can rip up that rule book and do things your way. Go for it.

There were a couple of really interesting articles in the Guardian this week about people who are child free and have absolutely brilliant, productive and fulfilled lives.

AngelinaFibres · 23/04/2023 21:05

Investigate living on a house boat/ canal boat. Much cheaper than a house. No kids no problem with all that water.
Travel somewhere big every year.
Start a second side hustle that might turn into an actual new career.
Volunteer for something.
Join groups of other child free people your age (meet ups) and try different things.

Bashshell · 23/04/2023 21:07

Sounds like a couple of kids are just what you need to plunge your life into an exciting roller coaster of emotional highs and lows.

How about a pet? Or a new hobby? Maybe a career change if you’ve hit the ceiling?

Stripedbag101 · 23/04/2023 21:08

underneaththeash · 23/04/2023 20:38

I agree

Show quote history

Don’t be ridiculous.

coeurnoir · 23/04/2023 21:08

It sounds like the problem is having nowhere to progress in your career. Is there a reason why you've hit the ceiling?

There is nothing wrong with an average life. It is the one that most of us live whether we want kids or not. Maybe talk to your partner and think about pulling together a bucket list of things to do and try to see if you can find any new hobbies or interests?

fairywhale · 23/04/2023 21:08

Politics?

ohjeesus · 23/04/2023 21:09

Lykke1000 · 23/04/2023 19:40

my feeling is that not wanting kids is strongly correlated with not finding a purpose in life

Are you serious???

Kittykatchunjy · 23/04/2023 21:11

Persuaderama · 23/04/2023 20:47

I think if you make a choice not to have kids you have to really DO something with your life. Go travelling, be a digital nomad, whatever. You can’t just plod along with nothing changing for the next 40 years - that sounds horrific.

Omg what a daft paragraph!

I've got kids but now they've left home and so now what? My life was only remarkable for the 20 years they were here in your eyes? We all plod to various degrees, not sure how having kids isn't just plodding but on a different track

BungalowLil · 23/04/2023 21:14

Persuaderama · 23/04/2023 20:47

I think if you make a choice not to have kids you have to really DO something with your life. Go travelling, be a digital nomad, whatever. You can’t just plod along with nothing changing for the next 40 years - that sounds horrific.

Why does an ordinary childless life sound horrific?

Reality25 · 23/04/2023 21:15

Are you theist?

If you want life to have real meaning and purpose the first step is to acknowledge that we are not here by chance and that there is a higher power who knows the "why?". Try attending a few churches and they can help you on your journey.

If not then next best I'd suggest is keeping occupied. If children are a desire then consider adopting? If not then focus on your career, how can you progress from your current role? Work towards it bit by bit.

FrownedUpon · 23/04/2023 21:18

Lykke1000 · 23/04/2023 19:40

my feeling is that not wanting kids is strongly correlated with not finding a purpose in life

Ridiculous

kikisparks · 23/04/2023 21:19

I’d agree with PP that therapy to explore your feelings would be worthwhile. You can ask if you can get any sessions from your work as some employers will fund usually a limited number of counselling sessions.

It took 4 years to have our DD and I had time to think what I would do if she didn’t come along. For me it was definitely lots of travel- I don’t mind doing it on a small budget if need be- and I wanted to go part time as well to have more space to live life rather than just work work work. My hope was to one day take a sabbatical, rent out our house and live in another country for a year, just doing whatever jobs we could find. I spent a very happy gap year doing this in my 20s and would love to do it again. I’d also have loved more pets but not sure how that would work with the travel. Finally in an ideal world I’d have used that day off to write and hopefully written a book- probably not to try and publish, more just for myself as I always love writing and I haven’t done it in years. Maybe if I’m lucky enough to live til retirement without needing to be euthanised first I’ll write one then. Oh there’s also a cause close to my heart and might have spent more time doing activism for that. “Hobbies” have never really appealed to me.

ChickenDhansak82 · 23/04/2023 21:21

What do you want to do?

You get one chance at life. Live it.

Quit work. Move to some developing country and start up an orphanage.

Pick a charity and try and raise £2000.

Learn a language then go to a country to speak it.

Start your own business.

You need to decide what it is that will make you feel satisfied.

OneCup · 23/04/2023 21:22

I personally don't necessarily feel life has to have a purpose. Just being happy and content is enough. You just need to find that one thing (or even things)that fills you with joy and contentment.
Imagine fast forwarding to when you're 80. Is there something you may regret not having done? I'd use that as an aim.