To be average but wanting more

[Allyoli]

Nc for reasons.

My life is just... middling. Plodding along. I'm 35. I enjoy my job, although I've hit a ceiling in my career, both progression and salary wise. Financially I'm OK, no debts, can save a little each month. Me and my partner are in a stable, happy relationship. Would like to buy a home but still can't afford to yet. I'm quite fit, go to the gym, run 2-3 times a week and do yoga.

My life is not a bad problem to have, but what now? How do I progress my life and make it more interesting from here? Most goals seem to be about earning more money to buy a better life, but I can't see that being possible without retraining to do something I don't enjoy.

Any tips or advice for how to figure this out?

(Ps. Have decided not to have kids).

Ordinary definitely isn't nothing. I can be completely fulfilling and millions of people have lived perfectly happy fulfilled lives doing a job that suits them, enjoying their home, family (not children but parents, siblings, wider family), friends, hobbies, community and a blissful relax with some silly TV on a Saturday evening.

Ordinary doesn't mean empty and pointless. It can mean perfect contentment. It's only when ordinary is taken away from us through loss, war, illness or some other thing out of our control that we realise what a gift it is.

Having kids doesn't necessarily fulfill all people, not even for a period of time.

@Persuaderama well it’s pretty darn insulting/ belittling to state that lacking purpose in life is related to not having kids. And it’s particularly idiotic to state it to someone who has said they’re not having kids when you don’t know the ins and outs of that decision.

But I accept that two wrongs don’t make a right.

What about trying to find a job abroad somewhere or taking a year out to volunteer in another country? Taking on a hobby or a challenge you’ve always dreamed about (climbing Kilimanjaro or writing a book or learning to play an instrument)? Setting travel goals for yourselves to tick off?

I think having goals to work toward is a large part of maintaining a happy momentum in life.

@Persuaderama actually I didn’t need to call anyone idiots, you’re right and I’m sorry.

Do you belong to any social groups of any kind so you have a feeling of belonging? Maybe that's what's missing?

Do you do voluntary work? Giving your time or providing your skills so you are helping someone or a group of people in your community in some way might help with the feelings you have of 'is this it'.

Ha ha, if the only meaning a person can find in life is to have sex, happen to reproduce, then spend the next 20 yrs being a cook / cleaner / taxi driver / tutor / counsellor to another person, who will then (rightfully) go and live their own life....that's a bit sad. Having kids isn't an achievement in itself. I have 2 btw.

👏

It’s not negative at all OP. Choosing not to have IVF is perfectly valid. It’s stressful, invasive and expensive and could well not work. We wasted so much time and money. I often wish I could tell my past self not to do it end embrace childfree life instead and that everything would be ok.

Technically of course, that is our only purpose.

Most people with kids plod along though. You only have to read some parenting threads on here to see that many people find parenting relentless drudgery. Sure there are nice moments too and having kids to look after is all consuming, leaving little time for being a digital nomad or mountaineer, but many parents feel exactly as OP does, like they’re average and boring and should be achieving more.

I don’t think not having kids means you HAVE to be doing something remarkable. If you want to, absolutely crack on, but it’s far more about how you feel internally. I’m not saying this out of defensiveness either, I am pretty much one of the childfree digital nomad travel types you’re thinking of but I don’t think my choices would be right for everyone. I travel because I enjoy it, not to fill some void left by not having kids - I don’t have a void to fill because I never wanted them so my life already feels complete without them. The stuff I do for leisure is a bonus.

Surely 'plodding along' WITH kids is just plodding along in a messier environment where you're always tired? Why can't the childfree of the world plod with more cash for dinners out and less sticky surfaces?? This is no diss to either choice of lifestyle, but I would call parenting Peak Plodding tbh.

But, regardless, the point is fucking gerbils, sloths and goldfish have offspring. There's no achievement in it. Perhaps at a meta level: sure, there's your 'purpose'.

But don't diminish the joys of PLODDING!!

OP: Why can't you retrain to do something you love? I don't get why it has to be something you don't enjoy.

I think the “mid life crisis” is basically all about coming to terms with the fact that you are dramatically ordinary and average. As children we’re encouraged to think that we’re special and different. Look at how many children’s (and adults’!) stories are based around the discovery that the hero is the one extraordinary person who can save the world- from Harry Potter to Buffy. And then as we grow up maybe we get a bit more realistic, but we also cling to the idea that there’s still plenty of time and we’re still young. And then you wake up one day, and the PM is younger than you, and you’re not getting picked for an Olympic team any time soon. Nearly all of us are pretty ordinary and insignificant in the grand scheme of things.

Utterly ridiculous statement. And I have children.

Being unremarkable is fine. Doesn't mean you can't be an individual.

Rubbish and reductive pseudo science ahoy.

For what it's worth, I have similar feelings and I HAVE a child. My daughter is absolutely amazing and I wouldn't trade her for the world, but she isn't my sole purpose for living.

Similar to you, I enjoy what I do. I am decently paid but I always find myself wanting a bit more. I want to explore the world and have a bit more fun, I want to be better and happier for myself so that it can extend to others. Life unfortunately for many of us is a bit dull on the day to day, as money is a limiting factor. I have to work full time whereas I would love to be able to do part time and have more ME time.

I stepped back and did think 'this is it?' but I've slowly started to realise that if I want something to change, I need to be the driving force behind it. No one else is going to do it.

Perhaps you need to sit down and write a list of things you would like to do. Obviously some things are out of reach without a lottery win or just within our own limitations (I.e. I can't be an astronaut) but it doesn't mean you can go for other things. Money is limited but perhaps you can work out a budget and start a 'fuck it this is for me' find. Save where you can and build this fund to achieve things off your list.

I've found that I am my worst critic but also the person who steps in my own way. I need to push past them both and strive for what I want to experience from life.

Have you considered going on a thru hike or a yoga retreat to give yourself some contemplation time?

You absolutely can just plod along if that is what you want! Plodding along, enjoying a quiet life without kids is actually bliss for a lot of us.

I think that there is a subset of parents who think that without kids they would be living these amazing lives of exotic travel, expensive hobbies, high flying careers. They then project that onto those of us without children and think that's what we should be doing.
The truth is that as you get older you realise that actually the vast majority of people with kids and the vast majority of people without kids aren't really that different. We are all leading fairly normal, ordinary lives. Most of us aren't going to be the next Elon Musk (and who'd want to be anyway). Once you hit 45 the thoughts of slumming it in a developing country opening an orphanage makes you feel exhausted and, besides, we have jobs, mortgages/rent, responsibilities....and prefer running water and electricity.
Exotic holidays are not just a matter of personal choice, but also dependent on having a spare few £thousand - most childfree people, especially those of us who are single, would have to save like mad to do that frequently (or ever) anyway.

After an abusive childhood and an abusive marriage my life is quiet now. To me, fulfilment and happiness is being able to sit in my house and read, my dog beside me, and know that I'm not going to be subjected to someone screaming at me or physically attacking me. To have the freedom to meet up with friends for a meal or coffee and not have to justify why I'm spending my own money. To have a silent house where there is no one shouting. To have a bank account that only I can access. To know that the person who knocks the door will not be a bailiff.

Amen to that.

Completely agree, which is why I have a 90k first draft of a novel with a late 30 something protagonist in a fantasy world. Living my life through my book!

I don't think any such thing. There's absolutely no reason why someone who has chosen not to reproduce needs to do anything more with their life than the parent. Both decisions are equally unremarkable, and the idea that the childfree are supposed to be living out some knackered parent fantasy life of sitting with your laptop on a Thai beach or climbing Everest or becoming UN Secretary-General is frankly silly.

The thing is, I get the impression that the OP doesn't want to be content living a normal life, she's seeking excitement/adventure/fulfillment. Which are all things she can absolutely have, she just has to decide what that's going to look like for her.