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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand the attitude of not doing things with your children because they’ll be too young to remember it…

122 replies

StopGrowingPlease · 23/04/2023 15:31

Birthday parties, holidays, days out, baby classes, Christmas gifts and events ect. There’s always people saying there’s no point because they won’t remember it and I just don’t get it. I don’t remember much at all from when I was younger (I don’t even clearly remember things from a few years ago) but I guess that is probably due to having aphantasia (I can’t see/picture things/people/memories in my mind).
But either way most people don’t really remember much from their childhood but surely that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t do fun things with your children??

OP posts:
TeenDivided · 23/04/2023 15:33

Of course you should do fun things, because they will enjoy them, earn from them and be generally enriched.

But a one off really expensive things such as Disney I would wait for.

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 23/04/2023 15:34

Is this a thread about a thread? Disneyland?

well no, you don’t never do anything fun with your children who are too young to remember it

BUT

there’s a massive grey area between doing fun stuff and having a one off holiday of a lifetime.

Newrumpus · 23/04/2023 15:35

Absolutely. Live for the moment.

VeronicaTimeTurner · 23/04/2023 15:36

All those experiences will shape the person that baby becomes. But spending ££££ on a trip to Disney or a mega birthday party for a 1year old is ott imo.

SouthLondonMum22 · 23/04/2023 15:37

It depends on the context for me.

If a parent is worrying about not taking their baby to a baby class for whatever reason, I think it's fine to remind them that it is mostly for the parents benefit and the baby isn't going to remember it anyway.

But of course it's fine to do things with children even if they won't remember it.

FloatingRodger · 23/04/2023 15:37

If it's a once-in-a-lifetime thing and it's for the children then why would you choose to do it even they can't remember it vs when they can?

I don't think most people would say the reason they don't (e.g.) pay to take their kids to see a stranger dressed as Santa is because they won't remember it. For me it's because I find it a bit weird and my kids wouldn't enjoy it, and the money and free time would be better used doing something else. I can understand why others think otherwise though.

Have you really seen people saying this about baby classes? I think you're possibly misunderstanding what these people are saying.

Howtohelp1234 · 23/04/2023 15:37

As my Nan used to say ‘it’s all food for the soul.’ Even things you don’t remember go in there somewhere. Also, it’s nice for you to do fun things. But yes, if it’s Disney I would wait until they can remember it

OddBoots · 23/04/2023 15:39

Doing fun things with a small child is great but what that child thinks of as fun will change - a baby/toddler could well be terrified by something a 7 year old would love. Also, if it is something you know you will only be able to afford once it makes sent to time it for maximum impact.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 23/04/2023 15:40

It’s about doing things appropriate to age.

Yousee · 23/04/2023 15:40

You get this alot on the Step Parenting board, usually as an extremely clever arguement as to why a step mothers child doesn't need or deserve anything that might be identifiable as "fun".
Very tedious.

Tigofigo · 23/04/2023 15:40

I think it's more if they'll remember it AND get something out of it / enjoy it. A 1yo won't remember a birthday party, or really understand what's going on and may well find it overwhelming, for example. Or a toddler going on a big adventure holiday may find it really tiring and hard going.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 23/04/2023 15:40

Even babies need entertaining, even if they won't remember it. I think what people are talking about in saying don't do stuff that they won't remember are talking about pushing the boat out and spending huge amounts on things that purport to be for the child, but are in fact for the adult. Like baby's first birthday party, or big holidays to places aimed at children.

Carcarscars · 23/04/2023 15:40

i also think does that mean you can only do things once they to 8 or something ? Why can’t parents take their children wherever they want ?

AllYourReasons · 23/04/2023 15:41

If they enjoy it at the time, that’s good enough for me. And sometimes, like a first birthday party, it’s for the parents, nothing wrong with that.

My kids like looking at photos of things we did when they were babies and toddlers even though they can’t remember them.

Is this about Disney? We went when our oldest was 4 and I was pregnant with our youngest. Oldest loved it at the time, only remembers bits of it, youngest would have hated it so probably good we went when we did. 😅

Lbnc2021 · 23/04/2023 15:42

I read a few posts ages ago where the posters didn’t buy their children anything for their 1st and 2nd birthdays and Christmas and I just thought how bloody miserable.

ImSidneyFuckingPrescott · 23/04/2023 15:45

I've done lots of things for/with my children when they were younger that they enjoyed at the time but don't remember....however I think a lot of people really push themselves whether financially or otherwise and it really doesn't matter.

One of my friends for example was beside herself trying to get tickets for an Xmas experience in our city that is really expensive and sells out really quickly. Her DD was just over one and she ended up buying tickets from someone on fb at a huge mark up. I took my kids to it when they were 5-10 and they did love it and still talked about it a few years later but would I have paid over the odds when it's already expensive for a one year old, no way.

Scottishlanza · 23/04/2023 15:46

What I found was difficult was doing age appropriate things for one child when younger child went too. When younger child was older we had to make sure we did certain things again as they couldn’t remember visiting etc

Scottishskifun · 23/04/2023 15:48

There's nothing wrong with doing stuff with your children when younger we have definitely done holidays and baby classes.

I don't see the point I'm very extravagant 1st or 2nd birthday parties which cost a fortune though as that's not really for the child more a show off for the parents and makes some people feel that they need to replicate etc.

LolaSmiles · 23/04/2023 15:51

It depends what it is in my opinion.

Doing things that are beneficial for young children even though they won't remember it seems standard to me. Eg. Nice days out, family holidays, birthday parties at the local soft play or village hall.

Doing big expensive trips, all out birthday parties, rooms full of presents for a 1 year old, and other things under the pretence it's for the children seems silly to me if they're not old enough to remember it. These things are all about the adults, not the children. Fine if you've got the money, but I wouldn't be too surprised if someone said that the full on birthday weekend extravaganza with balloon arches, £100+ custom cakes, and a room full of presents is more about the parents than the 2 year old.

MaryShelley1818 · 23/04/2023 15:55

I totally agree with you, I hear it a lot and find it all a bit miserable. Personally I never put anything off because you simply don't know what's round the corner. Live every day as best you can and do stuff that's fun and that you'll enjoy right now!

Speaking of Disneyland, we're going to Disneyland Paris again next month, it will be DS5's 4th trip, and DD2's second trip. They've also had lots of other holidays to other places. I work hard and most of that is to be able to take the children on holidays and have lots of adventures. They absolutely love it and DS can remember bits from all his visits. Florida next year.

Our memories of having fun with our children growing up are important too.

Now obviously Disneyland isn't the be all and end all, you can equally make lovely memories on the local beach and day trips but nothing wrong with doing either if you can afford it and everyone is having fun.

Clymene · 23/04/2023 15:55

To me, it's not so much about memory as whether they will get the most out of it, especially if it's a 'holiday of a lifetime' type thing.

I also don't think there's any point in first birthday parties, big Christmas spends on babies or fancy outfits. They're for you, not for the baby.

Saschka · 23/04/2023 15:56

I think if it is something you are only going to do once (like Disney), it is probably worth waiting until your child will appreciate it. But that isn’t the same as remembering it!

We did loads of stuff with DS when he was a preschooler which he doesn’t remember (he doesn’t even remember living overseas, which is a fairly major thing and we only moved back when he was 3). He enjoyed it at the time, and we remember it and can show him photos.

Sitting at home until he was 4 and had a developed long-term memory would have been pretty boring for us as parents, and he’d probably have grown up to be less adventurous.

cadburyegg · 23/04/2023 15:57

I agree with the general consensus of this thread - it's good for children of all ages to have fun experiences, but I wouldn't take toddlers to Disney.

HydrangeaFairy · 23/04/2023 15:57

Do fun things that the baby will enjoy in the moment but don't spend a lot of money thinking it's for their long term benefit.
A lot of this is for show or for the parents not really for the baby. Giving your time to the child 365 days a year is the best gift you could give them.
Things like baby swimming, baby classes, birthday parties for under 3s are fun for the parents but don't make any difference to the child.

berksandbeyond · 23/04/2023 15:59

I agree. People have said this to me but I intend on giving our child plenty of experiences. And she remembers going to Disney when she was 3 sooo…

99% of the time it’s from people who are jealous because they can’t afford it or want to justify why they don’t do anything nice for their own children, which is their problem frankly

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