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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL cannot be on time!

115 replies

Happybakers · 23/04/2023 09:44

If it was just once in a while it wouldn’t bother me so much but it’s so regular, it’s frustrating!

we change the time of events etc so she thinks it’s considerably earlier than it is which works for organised things like meals out, but when it’s things that don’t have a set time, just one we’ve organised, she is always late.

For example, we were meant to be at the shop this morning at 9.45am, the shop opens for browsing then and you can pay from 10am before heading on to a trip we are making today.

This was the plan, we spoke to her about 8.30am and agreed that we’d pick her up at 9.30am. She was showered and dressed, just needed to eat and dry her hair.

It’s now 9.40am and we’re waiting for her while she dries her hair!!

AIBU to be irritated? I am someone who likes to be early, I’d rather sit in the car park somewhere, knowing I was there than rushing about and being late.

Anyone else have a family member like this? How do you deal with it?

OP posts:
LordEmsworth · 23/04/2023 09:50

Yes, and same - accept it and build it in to plans. Or say, well I am going at xx time whether you're ready or not.

Your title says "cannot" - if you believe that, then why are you trying to make her do something that is impossible for her?

If you mean "will not" because you think she does it deliberately, then that's different.

I am like you, I like to be early - but I also recognise that that's annoying for others, and don't try to make them always do everything my way. If it's an important event, plan for it. If it's not - accept it...

Beetrootlover82 · 23/04/2023 09:50

Have you ever spoken about it with her?
Has your partner?

PonyPatter44 · 23/04/2023 09:52

You leave her behind. That's what you do.

Original poster
Happybakers · 23/04/2023 10:03

Still waiting!

OP posts:
MagpiePi · 23/04/2023 10:04

Is she usually 10 or 20 minutes late or is it hours, if left to her own devices?

It sounds like there is also a bit of a clash of personalities, and maybe she’s just refusing to play along with your strict timetabling of what are supposed to be more relaxed activities.

Eggseggseverywhere · 23/04/2023 10:04

In future meet her at the venue. Shop without her. Eat without her. Once she realises she really isn't that important she may buck up her ideas. Or stop making plans.

Beetrootlover82 · 23/04/2023 10:05

You don’t bother to say whether you or your partner have ever spoke to her about this

CC4712 · 23/04/2023 10:10

What has been said to her about it? Its selfish. I'd honestly have said, 'Oh, you still aren't ready- we did agree on 9:30. Well we are off to the shops. IF you want to come, we will see you there'.

Gatehouse77 · 23/04/2023 10:10

If she has her own means of transport then I'd arrange to meet her at the venue.
If she's relying on you for transport then lie about what time she needs to be ready - I do this with my sister who is often late. Mostly because she tries to 'fit in' little jobs which aren't little or are too many 🤬

Aside from that, I would have a conversation to find out why she runs late as that may inform how you mange it in the future.

GCWorkNightmare · 23/04/2023 10:10

I have time blindness due to ADHD. I think every task and journey takes 8 minutes. Add in the inevitable 1000 distractions between A and B and I’m late for things about 90% of the time. It’s not a snub to others.

AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 23/04/2023 10:11

Happybakers · 23/04/2023 10:03

Still waiting!

Why? Why haven't you just got on with your day? A grown woman is capable of underanding that if she's late you won't wait

Shinyandnew1 · 23/04/2023 10:12

Have you spoken to her about it? If so, what does she say?

I’d arrange to meet her at places rather than collecting her. Or not inviting her!

LlynTegid · 23/04/2023 10:13

It doesn't matter whether it is a relative or someone else, lateness in the vast majority of cases is rude and should not be accepted as just one of those things.

I disagreed with the late Margaret Thatcher on almost all of her policies, but one thing I agreed with her was her insistence on good timekeeping.

MuffinToSeeHere · 23/04/2023 10:13

Happybakers · 23/04/2023 10:03

Still waiting!

This is why she takes her time because she knows everyone will just sit and wait for her. Is your time not important to you? I assure you if you left then she would suddenly start valuing your time more.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 23/04/2023 10:14

Tell her she's taking to long and you need to go with or without her.

BlessedBeTheFruitCake · 23/04/2023 10:15

My dm is always late to meet up, etc too. However, she is never late to a doctors appointment or flight so she can be on time when she wants to.

Mary46 · 23/04/2023 10:15

Yes meet her at venue. My friend is much better now. I used get fed up waiting. Her time management is casual! Op its a bad habit with them.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 23/04/2023 10:15

If the timing matters, then don't wait. Give advance warning, "If you're not there by x we'll carry on without you."

Seas164 · 23/04/2023 10:15

Not much to be done about today, but make no more plans where you're responsible for her transport, and carry on without her if she's not on time.

WateryDoom · 23/04/2023 10:16

I'd have left her. If I'd arrived at an agreed time and someone said "I just need to eat and dry my hair," then I'd have said, "Ok, well if you're not ready I'll see you there if you want to join us".

And I'd have meant it. It's rude to keep people waiting. I absolutely agree with pp who said once she realises she's not that important she might change. If not, you'll be able to enjoy the day without her.

NoSquirrels · 23/04/2023 10:17

Presumably she didn’t see being early to the supermarket as a big deal. Is it in fact a big deal? Could you have gone to the supermarket rather than wait for her, then come back to get her?

Anyway, tell her it’s rude.

DelilahJane · 23/04/2023 10:18

My sister was like this until we stopped pandering to her. We gave her ten minutes then would just go on with our plans without her.

It's amazing how quickly after we made that decision she was able to adapt and be on time. The alternative was having to get public transport or a taxi to where we were going (she doesn't drive so I always have her a lift) or she'd have to go hungry or grab a quick burger king because we went ahead with lunch before our shopping trip and she arrived too late to join us.

Bauhausstolemyhair · 23/04/2023 10:22

My ex was like this. I hate lateness and find it extremely rude. Learn to be on time. Its NOT hard. A grown adult doesn't need gentle pushing or pleading.

In your case. I'd leave without her. I've done that before now and didn't even bother to say twice. Same with meeting somewhere. If someone is late, after 30 mins I will no longer be there.

TakeMyStrongHand · 23/04/2023 10:22

My mum is like this. Kills me.

I've had to say "and I mean 9.45. I don't want you turning up late." Otherwise she fully believes that I mean some time before 9.45. But she will still be late.

Just tell her than when she does this it's annoying, messes up your plans and you feel disrespected. If she doesn't listen, don't make plans with her.

lljkk · 23/04/2023 10:22

Pick your battles... i have one friend like this & I generally just assume the trip will get extended by her faff time. Which is ok because we chat and hang out.

If my time is tight I make that clear and plan alternative events where she'll be left behind if not ready in time, or maybe I allow 5 minutes for faff is all.

Only had to leave her behind once and she's improved hugely since then.

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