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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL cannot be on time!

115 replies

Happybakers · 23/04/2023 09:44

If it was just once in a while it wouldn’t bother me so much but it’s so regular, it’s frustrating!

we change the time of events etc so she thinks it’s considerably earlier than it is which works for organised things like meals out, but when it’s things that don’t have a set time, just one we’ve organised, she is always late.

For example, we were meant to be at the shop this morning at 9.45am, the shop opens for browsing then and you can pay from 10am before heading on to a trip we are making today.

This was the plan, we spoke to her about 8.30am and agreed that we’d pick her up at 9.30am. She was showered and dressed, just needed to eat and dry her hair.

It’s now 9.40am and we’re waiting for her while she dries her hair!!

AIBU to be irritated? I am someone who likes to be early, I’d rather sit in the car park somewhere, knowing I was there than rushing about and being late.

Anyone else have a family member like this? How do you deal with it?

OP posts:

TakeMyStrongHand · 23/04/2023 10:23

Some time before 10.45. 🤦🏼‍♀️ before 9.45 would be perfect

OrigamiOwls · 23/04/2023 10:24

Stop waiting for her. She knows you'll wait so there is no incentive for her to not do what she wants.

Charlottewebsbabies · 23/04/2023 10:24

We where once meant to be having a mates dog for a few days while he went away
I was at work at 8am,which meant getting up at 6:30
Got home just after 4pm-he was dropping the dog off at about 4:30
All fine and good
He finally showed at just after midnight!
I was fuming-its all laughed off as him being scatty-its not
He knows we'll hang around for him/people leave without him and he doesn't care
Drives me up the wall

(I should have got dp to just lock the door but he wouldn't as we where both looking forward to having the dog)

winteriscoming2022 · 23/04/2023 10:25

YANBU
It sounds as if her lateness is very consistent.
Of course any functioning adult can be on time, she is just choosing not to
I'd imagine she isn't consistently late for medical appointments / work / flights
You're just not important enough for her

Slimjimtobe · 23/04/2023 10:25

I think it’s about being in control and feeling more important than everyone else

I wouldn’t take her the next time

LimeCheesecake · 23/04/2023 10:27

Yes, you need to practice leaving at the time you said you would. Eating without her. Going into events and telling her to find you. Getting on with your day and her learning she can’t control the start times, only miss out.

TidyDancer · 23/04/2023 10:29

I would leave without her. Really. Especially if you've said something to her before. People like this will never change if they keep getting away with it.

Supersimkin2 · 23/04/2023 10:35

It’s fine to leave her behind, it really is.

zurala · 23/04/2023 10:41

I wonder if she's like my DH? He suffers from "the justs".
If I ask him if he's ready to leave the house he will say "yes. I just need to go to the toilet, do my hair and put my shoes on"

Every time, I tell him "then the answer is no, you are not ready"

Over time he's managing to see that he isn't ready. He genuinely thinks he is, but he actually has half an hour of stuff still to do. By recognising he isn't ready, it's helping him get ready on time as he's learning to allow more time for things.

I have to say it every time. You aren't ready if you still have stuff to do.

He's suspected ADHD.

Could this be your mil?

Puppers · 23/04/2023 10:45

I really, really struggle with time management. Immensely. It's something that causes me stress almost every single day of my life. If I have e.g. a hospital appointment or job interview, I will be unable to sleep the night before and will be out of bed by probably 4am and ready to leave the house several hours head of time. Once the event is over and I can relax, 9/10 times I'll get a headache and be wiped out. Guaranteeing that I'll be on time for something literally dominates the entire day for me, takes 100% of my effort and renders me unable to focus on other tasks.

As I've got older, I've learned to give less of a shit about people who are determined to invent their own narrative about people who struggle to manage their time (they're lazy, they're entitled, they don't care about other people etc). You can see it in some of the replies here. I have no interest in changing people's opinions and if people who know me, don't know me well enough to understand that it's not a snub then they're not really important anyway. I don't worry about what those people think.

HOWEVER, at the same time I understand that this is my issue. I do expect the people who care about me to refrain from making inaccurate and unkind judgements RE the reasons for my persistent lateness, but I don't expect them to wait on me. I would avoid a situation like you describe, where someone was giving me a lift at a certain time, because I would know it would be difficult or impossible for me to achieve. If I was in that situation, I would probably have called at 9:30 and said "I'm not going to be ready, go without me". Given that MIL unfortunately doesn't do that, you are perfectly within your rights to let her know that, in the future, if she's not ready on time then you'll be going on without her. Or make arrangements to meet her there.

So I think you can approach the situation with compassion and understanding, whilst still not allowing MIL to inconvenience you.

Slimjimtobe · 23/04/2023 10:47

is she ready yet ?

Dishwashersaurous · 23/04/2023 10:47

Honestly , you need to show her that she cant do this.

so leave at 9.30, and if she's not ready then she doesn't go.

She does this because there is no consequences for her.

If there were consequences then she'd be on time

crossstitchingnana · 23/04/2023 10:47

Lateness is rude. It's saying "your time is less important". No excuses.

Gymnopedie · 23/04/2023 10:47

The inevitable question is what's DH's attitude towards this? All the replies saying leave without her don't help if he would refuse to do so.

Proseccoagain · 23/04/2023 10:51

My DH was like this, and used to spend so much time faffing. If I planned to leave at 11, I would tell him 10, then he would actually be ready to go at 11! Which was what I aimed for anyway. Sadly he died 5 years ago, but I would give anything to have him back, and would never complain about his being late ever again....

pictoosh · 23/04/2023 10:54

Slimjimtobe · 23/04/2023 10:25

I think it’s about being in control and feeling more important than everyone else

I wouldn’t take her the next time

I agree. Consistently late people fall into two groups...the apologetic ADHD/disorganised types...and the selfish wankers who get a buzz out of keeping other people hanging about for them. She sounds like the latter.

DanceMonster · 23/04/2023 10:55

Honestly I’d just go without her.

QueenCamilla · 23/04/2023 10:59

Depending what someone is late for!

Late for sitting and waiting in the car park?
Late to... Being early somewhere?
20 mins late to leaving house for a Sunday mooch about?
An hour later than planned starting/stopping gardening on a weekend?

Or:
Late to work?
Late to airport?
Late to doctors?
Late to something time-booked?
Late and leaving someone waiting in a restaurant, in the park, street or the like?

I'm never late to the latter scenarios.
I'm often "late" to former. I just can't be arsed time-keeping pointless stuff on my weekends or chill days.

3beesinmybonnet · 23/04/2023 10:59

Some people get an ego boost out of making others wait for them. It shows that they think their time is more important than yours. By waiting for her you are confirming that.
I used to be rubbish at timekeeping when I w's young so I had a wash and wear hairstyle and regularly finished my makeup and put jewellery on on the bus, rather than have the embarrassment of keeping my friends waiting again. I certainly wouldn't expect people to wait while I did my hair.

Time to get firm OP

DrFoxtrot · 23/04/2023 11:04

QueenCamilla · 23/04/2023 10:59

Depending what someone is late for!

Or:
Late to work?
Late to airport?
Late to doctors?
Late to something time-booked?
Late and leaving someone waiting in a restaurant, in the park, street or the like?

I'm never late to the latter scenarios.
I'm often "late" to former. I just can't be arsed time-keeping pointless stuff on my weekends or chill days.

Same! To me the OP scenario is a chilled Sunday round the shops. What does 15 mins matter? Is she viewing it as a relaxed activity rather than a regimented schedule?

BranchGold · 23/04/2023 11:05

what was the agenda for the day? Who came up with it?

I think some people have different attitudes to how a day is structured. I don’t always think the person who likes to be rigid with timekeeping is ‘right’ and I know a lot of people who dictate that the day must start at x time, they have to be in the restaurant at y time, they need to get home at z time etc because that is their personal preference. The other people involved might not feel like that is the best flow of timings for the day, but because the organised planner types set things out in stone then they feel that to go against the formal arrangements is rude or disrespectful.

SistersNotCisters · 23/04/2023 11:10

PonyPatter44 · 23/04/2023 09:52

You leave her behind. That's what you do.

Decide on a set waiting time and do not wait any longer.

"From now on MIL, (actually, I think your DH should maybe say it) we will wait 10 minutes over the agreed time and then leave."

And do it. She is always late because she doesn't value your time. Were her children never at school on time? Did those schools have to call in social services because MIL never picked them up for a good half hour after the school had closed each day? Did she never have a job? Has she seen a doctor? A dentist? Has she been to a cinema? Caught a train?

cleanasawhistle · 23/04/2023 11:12

I had a friend like this,late for everything and very entitled attitude of people can wait.
When her son joined the same football team as mine she would ask for a lift.
I would go pick her up and they were not ready.
I changed it where they had to walk around to my house and I said I was leaving at a certain time.
If they were not her I drove off.
She turned up to a match late and complained that it had started without her son.

Agree with other posters,start leaving without her....oh you are not ready we will see you there,order food etc...she might make more effort when she sees the world doesnt revolve around her

Eumie · 23/04/2023 11:19

Is she on time for other stuff? Eg doctors appointments or buses if she needs them?

As my mil is like this, last year we were on holiday and when we planned a trip ourselves (with our 6mo baby), she was ready an hour and a half after the time we said we needed to leave. This threw out the babies nap/feeding and it was so stressful. However, on the same holiday, she was ready to go at 7:30 for an 8am organised trip - where if she’d been late they would have left. It was then I realised that she can keep time, she just doesn’t for us.

What we (my partner agreed) do now is make anywhere we’re going a bit of a mystery. We won’t tell them exactly where it is, until they’re in the car and we send them the google link. Works a treat - as they don’t know if it’s 10 or 45 mins away. If they ask we say it’s not far, and we need to leave at X time.

We also now insist on taking separate transport in case we need to leave with the baby.

IHateLegDay · 23/04/2023 11:21

My mum is exactly like this and it infuriates me. There've been many times have had to call restaurants and change the booking because she's so late.
It's rage inducing!

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