MIL cannot be on time!

[Happybakers]

If it was just once in a while it wouldn’t bother me so much but it’s so regular, it’s frustrating!

we change the time of events etc so she thinks it’s considerably earlier than it is which works for organised things like meals out, but when it’s things that don’t have a set time, just one we’ve organised, she is always late.

For example, we were meant to be at the shop this morning at 9.45am, the shop opens for browsing then and you can pay from 10am before heading on to a trip we are making today.

This was the plan, we spoke to her about 8.30am and agreed that we’d pick her up at 9.30am. She was showered and dressed, just needed to eat and dry her hair.

It’s now 9.40am and we’re waiting for her while she dries her hair!!

AIBU to be irritated? I am someone who likes to be early, I’d rather sit in the car park somewhere, knowing I was there than rushing about and being late.

Anyone else have a family member like this? How do you deal with it?

Me too - but I know this is how I am, so I use coping strategies to ensure I'm on time or, if not, it doesn't impinge on others. It takes a lot of mental energy to do it, but I've learned from MN that people see lateness as really rude, as though you think your time is more important than other people's, so I've made a huge effort to adjust my behaviour. I'm never late these days!

So rude. I'd be telling her she can come with wet hair now or meet us there.

I think you need to start drawing a line and not accomodating the lateness.

DH should tell her the lateness is bothering everyone and you're not going to wait her for from now on so can she please be one time or understand that people will carry on without her.

I have a 'friend' who was always late. For her it was an attention seeking thing I believe.

Once my family and hers were meant to share easter lunch at her mother's house. We were there at noon as requested. By 3 pm my friend still had not arrived. So her mother said that we would eat without her. Friend did not arrive until we had completely finished and were saying our goodbyes. She had a full on foot stamping screaming tantrum over it. How DARe we not wait for her. (Early 30s at the time).

She is still always late- but never more than about half an hour late again. Just enough to still have the attention on her, but not 5 hours late again.

(I am pulling away from this friendship. her attention-seeking and self centredness has finally strecthed my patience too far).

Have you left yet @Happybakers ?

If not, I'd say "MiL, we spoke at 8:30 to say that we would collect you at 9.30 but you still weren't ready until X time. We're going to go now so that we don't miss out on the rest of our day. Perhaps next time, you might try to be ready to LEAVE at 9.30 as arranged?"

Or better yet, get your DP/DH to say it to his mother.

You need to have an agreed maximum time that you'll actually wait for her to get ready (though why you should even need that I don't know) and then when that time is up, you get up and you leave saying "We're off. We have tickets for X at Y time and can't wait for you any longer. Perhaps you'll make it for another time, yes?" and then leave. Go do your thing.

So rude. You need to tell her and that you won't wait for her in future

My late MIL was like this. Absolutely refused to be hurried. One time my DH was taking her to her best friend’s 90th birthday party. DH knew it was a sit down meal but MIL was convinced it was a more casual affair and she could just turn up when she liked and nothing could persuade her otherwise. They ended up walking in just as the starters were being cleared away and best friend was really upset with MIL. She’d also stop to chat to neighbours on the way out to hospital appointments she was already late for.

I stepped away from an attention seeking friend who was always late

She always said there was the time everyone else lived to and then there was “Jane time” (not her real name). And we are not talking a few minutes here and there. It’s like pp said it’s the “I just needed to do x,y,z first even though I knew you were waiting”

Was definitely a control and ego thing in her case.

Life is too short to be hanging about waiting on people who don’t give a toss about you. Would rather meet up with people who can actually be there on time which luckily other friends can be

Have you left yet?

I'm getting better at time keeping. I never realised that it makes people feel that I thought their time was unimportant, it was not a conscious snub but I know better now.

I've worked hard to improve but it took someone to point it out to me.

Have a chat with her and make sure it's clear for future plans. From her response you will gauge if she can't be arsed in which case don't try. Tell her you will meet her there/ leave after 10 mins waiting for her, whatever you decide so she is clear. Then get on with your day
If you think she will make an effort then perhaps it's something to work on.

I had a friend who used to do this so I stopped waiting. Miraculously she was able to be on time after that.

I’ll swap u
mine turn up hours early for everything

the type of people who Que for the dinning room on holiday that’s open all evening for 6 hours in a half full hotel

This was my MIL. We would book tables for meals. She was always on time for drs dentist appointments. She used to blame her late DH,he worked shifts and ran like clockwork. One year,all my DH siblings and kids were invited for Christmas lunch. I said it would be on the table 2.30, to eat. No sign of them. I told them all,we are NOT holding on for her this time. We had quite a small conservatory,2 tables. I put place names out. I said everyone move one seat,they can sit on the end, she insisted squeezing past everyone eating to get to "her" chair. When my oldest DS got married,we held up the wedding 15 minutes for her, she didn't bother turning up at all. Asked her at the reception (which incidentally was at 5, she turned up at 2.30) she was extremely rude, claimed to have told me the previous night,that she wouldn't be at the ceremony,it wasn't true. Needless to say,that was the last straw, the last time we spoke.....14 years ago. (Not just because of the lateness,it was constant put downs and bullying)

So if you recognise this, instead of giving yourself 8 minutes for every journey/task, give yourself 28 minutes. Make that the new default and you will either be on time or early. Problem solved?

Without a damned good reason if someone isn't ready within 15 mins then I will go. Obviously when my kids were moving towards independence this meant for some tough calls. But I'm not minded to sit around waiting on someone who Obviously isn't that bothered. 15 mins is literally enough time for most people to get ready from scratch.

My in laws are like this, but it doesn’t bother me really. We always tell them to meet us there at xx time and we tell them an hour earlier than we’re actually meeting. Then they’re on time!
Next time, say you’re picking her up at 9.15am.

We finally left about 10.20am!

We have discussed it with her but she don’t acknowledge it!

I am going to try saying we’ll meet her there next time. She does drive but prefers to be driven.

Agree. Give yourself longer and use phone alarms. It is a snub to others that you aren’t trying just so you know.

Exactly, people always come on threads like this complaining 'people are soooo mean, I can't help it, I'm late for everything... ' if you honestly know that you do this every time, not making any effort to adjust things is bloody rude and saying 'I won't make any effort to change things'!

There’s your answer - let her drive herself

Why would she change when you facilitate it.

Tell her we will meet you there at X time and we have to be gone by Y time.

She arrives late then that is on her.
You still leave at Y time, even if she has just arrived.

Boundaries are your friend.

When she sees you are serious she may tantrum, but you remain calm and stick by them.

We teach people how to treat us.

My IL were usually at least 30mins late for everything (once 2 hours late for Christmas lunch). . Initial solution was to lie about timing eg ask them round for lunch at 12 and everyone else for 12.30 but they cottoned on to that. Second step was to start being late ourselves (which I found hard as I hate tardiness). Eg arrange to meet at a restaurant for 12 but don't turn up until 12.30pm. That infuriated my ILas I think they secretly enjoyed making a late entrance so eventually, they complained about our timekeeping!!! Thus leaving them unable to ever be late again!

Even if it wasn't a party ect, it's still tell her I'd collect her earlier than I was going to x

@Happybakers don't try, 100% make sure that meeting there is what you do. Only agree otherwise if your MIL has had something such as a broken bone in the meantime.

And do the same for anyone else you know who is late. No second chances.

Good luck.

Honestly I would just go without her in future if she's not ready at the stated time. She won't like it of course, but that's on her. I did it once with my daughter as I was sick of her faffing getting ready for college making me late for work which was being unfavourably commented on. Despite all the talk, she continued to be late. Her outrage that morning when she phoned me once she realised I'd left without her! She never did it again. However of course it will be different for you as she's your MIL.

I'd just leave. You're not ready. We're going to the shop without you.

My family are sticklers for time keeping. When I was a kid if I wasn't ready by the front door at the specified time - we either weren't going or I was being left behind. It only takes once to learn the lesson.

I just don't understand why you waited. This is not a one-off thing, it's rude and disrespectful and I would have just left without her today, she could either stay home or make her own way there.