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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL cannot be on time!

115 replies

Happybakers · 23/04/2023 09:44

If it was just once in a while it wouldn’t bother me so much but it’s so regular, it’s frustrating!

we change the time of events etc so she thinks it’s considerably earlier than it is which works for organised things like meals out, but when it’s things that don’t have a set time, just one we’ve organised, she is always late.

For example, we were meant to be at the shop this morning at 9.45am, the shop opens for browsing then and you can pay from 10am before heading on to a trip we are making today.

This was the plan, we spoke to her about 8.30am and agreed that we’d pick her up at 9.30am. She was showered and dressed, just needed to eat and dry her hair.

It’s now 9.40am and we’re waiting for her while she dries her hair!!

AIBU to be irritated? I am someone who likes to be early, I’d rather sit in the car park somewhere, knowing I was there than rushing about and being late.

Anyone else have a family member like this? How do you deal with it?

OP posts:
Pinkocsb · 23/04/2023 12:56

GCWorkNightmare · 23/04/2023 10:10

I have time blindness due to ADHD. I think every task and journey takes 8 minutes. Add in the inevitable 1000 distractions between A and B and I’m late for things about 90% of the time. It’s not a snub to others.

This

gettingoldisshit · 23/04/2023 13:00

Constant lateness really winds me up! Its the epitome of rudeness, expecting others just to hang around waiting for you! I cut people like this out of my life where possible because i can't enjoy going out with or meeting up with them when they have already given me the hump by being late!

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 23/04/2023 13:04

Since she is more than capable of driving and was clearly going to be some time you are mugs to have sat and waited for her.
I'm guessing it didn't bother your partner one bit so in future I'd refuse to pick her up at all.

DontMakeMeSayItTwice · 23/04/2023 13:06

I've got a SIL like that. I'll arrange to go and pick her up, at a time she's chosen, but then she's always still late. Recently, she opened the door and said she'd be 3 minutes, she had to have her tablets first! She left me sitting in the car - she never asks anyone in, not even her adult kids. She came out of her house 25 minutes later, then we were late for our booked table. It's the absolute height of bad manners.

Sewingdufus · 23/04/2023 13:20

Let her set the time to collect her, leave immediately if she isn’t ready. Let her find her own way if she’s not ready on time. Don’t change your plans to accommodate her tardiness.

SkyandSurf · 23/04/2023 13:24

It's on you for waiting for her TBH.

Don't participate in this silly fuckery and then complain about it.

Drive off, send a text saying you'll meet her there.

Or accept your role in it and stop acting like it's something that is happening to you.

Brefugee · 23/04/2023 13:27

Happybakers · 23/04/2023 10:03

Still waiting!

i would have left way before then telling her to meet you later.
No transport? not your problem

Timeforachangeisitnot · 23/04/2023 13:29

My SIL is the same. Wants to meet for a dog walk, then leaves me and my dogs waiting in the cold while she gets herself to wherever. She never switches her phone on, rarely takes it with her, so cannot be contacted.
These days I just don’t wait. If she’s not there on time she is on her own. Shame as her dog is lovely.

AlisonDonut · 23/04/2023 13:30

Happybakers · 23/04/2023 11:48

We finally left about 10.20am!

We have discussed it with her but she don’t acknowledge it!

I am going to try saying we’ll meet her there next time. She does drive but prefers to be driven.

I'll bet she does. Because you sit there and wait. If you drove off and said you'd meet her there she might start being on time.

Kyse · 23/04/2023 13:32

I'm always early Blush but I will wait in the car/read a book or something

So say I'm driving to Manchester for an appointment at 3pm
If it takes 45 mins, I allow 1hr for the drive. Then 15 mins for parking/walking. Which means I need to leave at 1.45pm
Then I work backwards from that for everything like shower, hair, makeup, if I need to get fuel...
it's never failed me!

ParkrunPlodder · 23/04/2023 13:34

Eggseggseverywhere · 23/04/2023 10:04

In future meet her at the venue. Shop without her. Eat without her. Once she realises she really isn't that important she may buck up her ideas. Or stop making plans.

This is what I would do. I have friends who are often late (one rang up once thinking they must have gone to the wrong place as I wasn’t already there!) but they’re lovely friends and it’s not personal so I just make sure I make plans where it feels ok to be kept waiting. Friends who regularly cancel on me, I continue to be friendly with but only meet in group situations where my plans are not impacted when they pull out last minute, as lots of us are doing it.

Brefugee · 23/04/2023 13:37

DrFoxtrot · 23/04/2023 11:04

Same! To me the OP scenario is a chilled Sunday round the shops. What does 15 mins matter? Is she viewing it as a relaxed activity rather than a regimented schedule?

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so both of you would make an arrangement, date and time, with a friend to pick you up and you'd just... let them wait because you're chilling?

You'd last precisely zero trips with me, chilled or not, because if we've arranged a time, you're there or you don't come. If it's a "see you there, sometime" that's a whole different arrangement

Sunny24 · 23/04/2023 13:40

PizzaPlease7 · 23/04/2023 11:40

So if you recognise this, instead of giving yourself 8 minutes for every journey/task, give yourself 28 minutes. Make that the new default and you will either be on time or early. Problem solved?

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Nope, this won’t work. Because even if you gave yourself an additional hour then you will just be distracted by 101 chains of thought and actions for that hour.

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 23/04/2023 13:47

Next time don't go to her house, agree to pick her up at the end of the road at 9.30am. Tell her if she's not there you will presume she has changed her mind or is making her own way there. Send a text at 9.00am saying the same thing. If she hasn't turned up by 9.40am leave. If she texts back saying she's running late then reply, okay we'll see you there then leave her to make her own way there.

Topseyt123 · 23/04/2023 13:48

Happybakers · 23/04/2023 11:48

We finally left about 10.20am!

We have discussed it with her but she don’t acknowledge it!

I am going to try saying we’ll meet her there next time. She does drive but prefers to be driven.

Tell her that if she can't be arsed to be on time then you will be going without her. Then follow through with it. That is the only way she might learn.

ididntwanttodoit · 23/04/2023 13:49

My sister is even worse! She turns up 1-2 hours late for everything. Over the years I stopped arranging to go out with her because she couldn't arrive on time (or even nearly on time). Even at "in-house" family events she regularly turns up late, then huffs because we started eating without her! It's actually become one part of of a complete breakdown of our relationship, so decide if that's the hill you're prepared to die on before you take action.

mbosnz · 23/04/2023 13:50

I have a sister like this. So, we make plans, but I'm very relaxed whether they eventuate or not. She's the one who wanted to go op-shopping. I told her the time windows, and why. She wasn't ready in time, so it would have been pointless to go, she'd eaten that far into the time slot, getting ready. They were reliant on me for transport. So we didn't go. No skin off my nose.

They were a bit put out though.

Funnily enough, I'm the only one who doesn't have 'on time' troubles with this sister!

GCWorkNightmare · 23/04/2023 13:50

KvotheTheBloodless · 23/04/2023 11:23

Me too - but I know this is how I am, so I use coping strategies to ensure I'm on time or, if not, it doesn't impinge on others. It takes a lot of mental energy to do it, but I've learned from MN that people see lateness as really rude, as though you think your time is more important than other people's, so I've made a huge effort to adjust my behaviour. I'm never late these days!

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I’m only at the start of the journey.

Paq · 23/04/2023 13:51

A good plan to meet her there. At the moment there's no consequences to her for being late. My dad is the same so I feel your pain.

PizzaPlease7 · 23/04/2023 13:52

Sunny24 · 23/04/2023 13:40

Nope, this won’t work. Because even if you gave yourself an additional hour then you will just be distracted by 101 chains of thought and actions for that hour.

Show quote history

What a load of rubbish, if that was the case someone with ADHD who struggles with time management would never go anywhere, ever. Going by your logic (excuse!) even giving themselves 4 hours would result in 30000 things in between that need to be done and still result in lateness.

Set a timer on your phone, see how long it takes you to get ready and out the house and then rather than giving yourself a pitiful 8 minutes for everything you can actually solve the problem and better your time keeping! It’s laziness and pure disrespect to other peoples time to lean on ADHD as an excuse for continuous poor time management. A bit of effort would make a difference.

Sunny24 · 23/04/2023 13:55

PizzaPlease7 · 23/04/2023 13:52

What a load of rubbish, if that was the case someone with ADHD who struggles with time management would never go anywhere, ever. Going by your logic (excuse!) even giving themselves 4 hours would result in 30000 things in between that need to be done and still result in lateness.

Set a timer on your phone, see how long it takes you to get ready and out the house and then rather than giving yourself a pitiful 8 minutes for everything you can actually solve the problem and better your time keeping! It’s laziness and pure disrespect to other peoples time to lean on ADHD as an excuse for continuous poor time management. A bit of effort would make a difference.

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Kind of awkward for you as I have ADHD 😬

sofamarathon · 23/04/2023 13:56

Do you think she has ADHD?

I have a friend like this. The more o learn about ADHD in adult females, the more I think she has it

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 23/04/2023 13:58

If she drives the. I'd have left and said we'll meet her there, if she can't be on time the. Fair enough, but it shouldn't impact you.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 23/04/2023 14:00

I don't think this is the gotcha you think it is - I read PizzaPlease7's post as saying "even if you do have ADHD, you still need to put strategies in place for dealing with it - if you KNOW that tasks don't actually take 8 minutes, it's on you to adapt your behaviour to that knowledge."

So saying "well, actually I DO have ADHD" don't make it "knid of awkward".

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 23/04/2023 14:01

...eep, sorry I meant to be replying to Sunny24's "Kind of awkward for you as I have ADHD 😬" message