MIL cannot be on time!

[Happybakers]

If it was just once in a while it wouldn’t bother me so much but it’s so regular, it’s frustrating!

we change the time of events etc so she thinks it’s considerably earlier than it is which works for organised things like meals out, but when it’s things that don’t have a set time, just one we’ve organised, she is always late.

For example, we were meant to be at the shop this morning at 9.45am, the shop opens for browsing then and you can pay from 10am before heading on to a trip we are making today.

This was the plan, we spoke to her about 8.30am and agreed that we’d pick her up at 9.30am. She was showered and dressed, just needed to eat and dry her hair.

It’s now 9.40am and we’re waiting for her while she dries her hair!!

AIBU to be irritated? I am someone who likes to be early, I’d rather sit in the car park somewhere, knowing I was there than rushing about and being late.

Anyone else have a family member like this? How do you deal with it?

Actually I think it’s kind of awkward for you because as another poster has rightly pointed out, you having ADHD has nothing to do with the points I have made…

Going by your logic (excuse!) even giving themselves 4 hours would result in 30000 things in between that need to be done and still result in lateness.

The fact that you’ve labelled a medical diagnosis as an ‘excuse’ is really telling.

And yes, the point I made is exactly as you’ve put it. Someone with ADHD can give themselves four hours for something and still be late for it. That’s kind of the point.

(Also, perhaps research “can’t do the thing because of the thing.”)

@Sunny24 so do you and your family, friends, colleagues, employer just live your lives around you with the understanding they will always have to wait for you and organise everything with the caveat you'll always be late no matter what?

I only have friends who are turn up on time people. If there has been an accident or crisis that causes lateness as a one off that's fine. I will happily wait or start mooching etc and meet them when they have arrived. The same thing applies to them if I am delayed because a water main has burst,there has been an accident on the motorway.I have gradually lost touch with the always late for everything people. If I going to something with someone I don't know very well I meet them at the venue and I buy a numbered seat if its a film or theatre thing. If they are 10 minutes late I will wait but if its for a thing with a start time and they're late then I go to my seat. They can join me or have to wait until the interval. Not my problem.I generally find that if I am in control of my enjoyment and can carry on regardless of them then there is no stress for me. I don't know anyone who is perpetually late anymore.They either turn up on time because they know I wont wait or they have faded out of my life. If someone can turn up on time for the doctors,dentist,aeroplane then they can turn up on time to see me.

I didn’t say ADHD is an excuse but nice try. I said giving yourself 8 minutes to get ready for absolutely everything ‘coz adhd’ IS using the ADHD as an excuse/crutch rather than actually solving the problem which is 100% doable in the ‘8 minute’ scenario! Pure laziness to not do anything about it.

My eldest adult son has ADHD. He used to expect to turn up for family meals, after he had left home, at a time that suited him and that everyone would fit in with that. I found it very stressful so I changed it. I told him that we would be eating at X time ( give or take 10 minutes ) as everyone else in the family would have arrived on time. He could either turn up on time for the main course or join us when he arrived and accept that we had already started or he could miss the main course altogethet and share the pudding with us. No stress, no drama, no shouting. Simply this is what is going to happen. Funnily enough he is now on time because we absolutely do not wait. He turned up on time for job interviews,for his graduation, for his wedding. He turned early to meet his new nephew. People can turn up on time when it matters to them. They are perfectly capable of doing the same thing when it matters to someone else.

This is v interesting because I have an ex friend who was like this - if she didn’t like the plans we had made, rather than say “that’s far too early to get there” or “I’d rather go at x time”, she’d agree, but then be late, often invite us round to travel together then not be ready until the time she thought would be good to leave. If you let her make the time plan, she’d be on time. If she felt it was important (like an appointment) she’d be on time, but would not be on time if someone else had arranged things.

if you don’t want to leave at 9:30, you say “I’d rather go later”. It’s a twat move to agree to go at 9:30 then keep everyone waiting until you consider it to be a better time to go.

I am only recently diagnosed. Getting that was hard enough (there is practically no provision here in Wales) and getting actual support is even harder.

I cover the whole of England, from Wales for my work. I am away from home 2-3 nights a week. Last week my employers put me in a hotel in a completely different part of London to where I have a good routine going. I got up an hour earlier (despite the work social the night before) and still got to the meeting 2 mins late because of the frigging Tube (I usually walk and get a bus so this threw me).

There are days where I don’t have a clear 7 hours to sleep with everything else going on. So it’s really not as simple as “give yourself 28 minutes, not 8”.

My mum can be sometimes like this.

She's retired and has a lot of time.

The times we've arranged for me to pick her up and I've got there for her to be still drying hair or rushing round it drive me insane.

We once missed a breakfast booking because of it and I hit the roof.

I said the next time she isn't ready on time I will leave without her and never arrange anything for us to do together again

It's very rude

I work in an industry where running in time is paramount and I don't tolerate lateness as it knocks into other people

It's like saying their time is more important than yours.

what was the agenda for the day? Who came up with it?

That's not the point imo. If you agreed to meet at 9:45, whether that was your idea or not, then that's what time you meet!

Honestly, the biggest favour you (and @Sunny24) can do for yourself is to stop giving a shit what judgemental randoms on the internet think. They will continue with their ignorant narrative and there's nothing you can do about that. It doesn't need to affect you if you just don't engage with it. Surround yourself with good people who know who you are and don't judge you for the imperfect parts of yourself.

ADHD doesn't necessarily mean you will be late for everything forever. There are techniques and routines that can help somewhat. I'm learning too. But it's hard and you're wasting headspace and energy trying to make yourself heard to people who quite simply don't matter at all.

My MIL also (we think!) has ADHD like DD. Everything takes for ever.
But, you factor extra time, DD can get the bus every morning. Need reminding.
we now go if MIL isn’t ready and she gets ready on time now. DH does need to give her warning though.

Would you mind explaining this a bit further?
My Dad, now in his 60's has many ADHD personality traits but I'd never connected the poor time keeping with it.
He seems to genuinely think he can get places much quicker than he actually can.
He'll say, I'll be 10 minutes, I've just got to stop to get my haircut on the way.
When I know it would take him 20 minutes even without the haircut!

If she isn’t ready go without her and tell her to meet u where ever u r going.

https://www.verywellmind.com/causes-and-symptoms-of-time-blindness-in-adhd-5216523#:~:text=Time%20blindness%20happens%20when%20that,left%20before%20an%20anticipated%20event