Game playing friend - how to deal with it

[Blizzard23]

I am based in a small village this is not unimportant. When we moved here twenty years ago I made good friends with ‘Belle’ and our dc were friends and we spent many Christmases, birthdays, holidays and were super close. Over the pandemic we only grew closer.

In the interim we made separate groups of friends with different circles of friends but still sharing many local friends. Somewhere along the line once the lockdowns lifted she started prioritising some newer friends and I noticed she didn’t invite me to her birthday etc any longer - I asked her about it, if something was wrong she said no, but was vague and blamed other people for messing up the guest list. Really feeble excuses regarding dinners and parties etc but she still claimed we were the best of friends and nothing had changed. It happened repeatedly.
I continued to invite her to the things I was doing for a very long time, not wishing to be petty and to avoid tit for tat. She accepted all of our invites but never returned them for years! Instead she continued to invite others. Eventually I eased off including her, assuming our friendship was cooling, and moving to a different stage. It was sad at the time ofc but just one of those things.

I have some very close friends elsewhere and have been spending more time with them in the last few years. I have accepted this particular friendship has changed, and even after we spoke about it nothing changed for the better in terms of reciprocity. I am planning a birthday party in the summer and have invited local friends and others.

I have now received an outraged message from this friend demanding to know why she isn’t invited and really kicking off. It appears she expects to have birthdays and parties and not invite me, but I am expected to continue to roll out the invites and red carpet for her…

Can someone please share with me their thoughts on this. I am stumped.

Should I have invited her?
Why is she doing this?

Thank you, it’s been such a supportive and lovely thread. So many great posts and points of view.

Op,please don't waste any more of your time on this. You make friends easily, sound a really good, generous friend and all you have done wrong is be trusting and had faith in your friendship. Honestly, give her no more ammunition through texts and do be super wary of the go-between, who sounds like the new victim.

Move on, give it no more oxygen as it will only feed into village gossip. I know I live in one and have studiously ignored cliques and queen bees for years. When someone approached me complaining about various parents, I could hand on heart say I was not sure who she meant because I didn't know their names. That said I am a loner personality (have enough family believe me) but you are a sociable person. When I hear things like this, I know my choice is right for me. She is a true frenemy.

I would be SOOOO tempted go on the offensive with this (well she started it with her stupid games!!) and say to mutual friend “Oh dear! I am sorry she is upset but I have been upset by her for an extremely long time. She has pulled right away from me, having numerous events that she has purposely excluded me from. I was extremely hurt and had no idea why - I even asked her if I had done something wrong as I was so desperately worried. In the end, I had to accept that I had done something pretty bad and that she did not feel that she could explain it. I have had to do quite a lot of healing to accept that she didn't really want to be my friend anymore so this new development is really confusing to me”

If she wants to play the victim card, well two can play that game and I would lay it on thick!! But still not invite her!!

But not sure thats really sensible…..would probably just add fuel to the fire. Arrgh! I would be truly terrible at letting it lie though!!

If you are going to see this friend at other people's houses then maybe it won't be too bad if you see her at your house.

You can either ignor her and continue to cool the relationship off or you can hand out a few invitations late.

Which will be more comfortable for you in the long run?
If it is a small town then you don't want your life to be a bitchy misery with other people not wanting you two in the same room. Only you now your town and what is best.

Your own instinct is good as is the above.

This thread is so enlightening. I'm probably a couple of years on from a similar situation in a similar setting. It's been brutal to be honest, and still plays out today, but this thread is really helping me understand what happened and see people for who they are.

I hope you are not one of Nuttys casualties. Looking back there were many, but she always had a good excuse and it was always THEIR fault!! Never her own shitty behaviour.

Stupidly I gave it very little thought at the time (tbf I had a lot on my plate in terms of health) but she has hurt a great many people I suspect and has done so for years. I wish I had been more careful. I hope you are okay? Do you still live in the village?

Bless you. You sound like a lovey person and a good friend. Hope Nutty finds something else to obsess over asap and leaves you to get on with your life peacefully as before!

@Blizzard23 I really am ok thanks, but it's taken a long while and she can still knock me off balance. It's absolutely as you describe, she fell out with lots of people and it was always their fault, never her own. Now of course it's my fault. She's been vicious in how she's approached it, which naively I didn't expect from her.
Some of the advice on here has been fantastic, I wish I'd understood some of this when I was in the thick of it. What's worked(ish) for me is to not give her anything. I'm friendly, polite and don't engage. I never talk negatively about her and basically don't give her any ammunition. I really hope you find a way through this painlessly. It nearly broke me x

This OP

I am really sorry you had to go through that, and I understand how stressful and distressing it can be, because this is your home and community, and somehow your happiness (and to some extent security) is being totally undermined and eroded for no reason.

It can be so sad to feel isolated or ostracised through no fault of your own, for simply being a nice person. Particularly for those that retreat fully because of this kind of behaviour.

In my experience everyone gets their turn with people like nutty, no one is spared. You are not naive to expect decency. People like nutty are utterly charming to a fault, mirror kind behaviour (for a while) are fun and engaging which is why they get away with it for so long. I now feel sorry for those still close to nutty, they have no idea what is coming for them soon enough.

I hope you have better friends around you now, and can put it behind you 💐

@Blizzard23 You could be describing my situation exactly, I have almost completely withdrawn from village life as my own Nutty has said some vile things, which people have chosen to believe in order to maintain their own social currency with her.
You're right in that the people close to your Nutty now will pay their own price in time, people like her can't help themselves. In the meantime it sounds like you've got other friendship groups and hopefully the genuine and decent people that you deserve.

In my village (and many villages have a nutty) I have a few friends that were frozen out. I didn’t realise at the time they were frozen out, when I asked where they were repeatedly, Nutty said she had given up inviting them because they didn’t always respond. When I spoke to them directly they said nothing about Nutty good or bad, so I assumed they had naturally drifted and were busy. Life is busy and we don’t have time for everyone and everything.

By saying nothing late I wonder if you have given Nutty the perfect way out, she will never be held accountable unless people know what she has done. The nuttys of this world are able to continue because people tend to melt away without a word. If you had spoken up about your mistreatment I am sure many of your friends would have understood your position and not assumed you disappeared out of choice. It will also have thrown light on her toxic behaviour.

Some will always side with bullies for social currency of course. But maybe not everyone would have chosen to do that.

I am sorry it has ended with you choosing to withdraw almost completely, but maybe it’s easier for you to fly low and avoid the drama altogether. It’s not a bad strategy in a small village! There are other places to have friends and build networks outside of the village, and there isn’t the same tension or pressure. It sounds like you have been really affected by your experience.

Thanks @Blizzard23, it's been very validating to 'speak' with someone who understands. My own strategies for dealing with it all are rooted in nutty's popularity and knowing that she will up her game if she thinks I'm not capitulating!

I've got some lovely friends in and out of the village, and learned so much from this thread. I see things very differently after reading some of this. I hope you're feeling ok with it all, we need a nutty support group! 💐

I am glad you have other friendships and can enjoy a peaceful life late It’s fraught when living in a very small place and everyone knows each other.

A nutty support group is a brilliant idea 😂
Her ‘body count’ is high enough to make a whole new village.

I have a feeling we would be good friends if we lived close by. You sound lovely.

Mutual friend has just invited/summoned me for lunch - knowing I am here as it’s my day off on Friday. I have no idea what to do…
Sent by text instead of the usual WA so can’t see who is going. Sensing an ambush!

Don't walk into an ambush.

Brush it off with a " ah thanks so much but unfortunately can't."

Not a chance would I put myself at such a disadvantage.

Her not letting you know who else is going is not good.

I suspect she is going to be your first nutty casualty!

Good luck op!

Ooooo update us on your lunch!!

totally out of order doing it via text though so you can’t see who else is going!

do you think she has invited nutty? For a show down maybe?

if so you better have your stock responses to the ready

Yes, don't walk into an ambush. Is there another friend (a non-nutty-mutual friend) who you can quickly make plans with?
Then send a breezy message back, "Oh, thanks. Sounds lovely, but unfortunately, I already have plans on Friday with ..."

I know this thread has moved on, but this reply is missing the same detail that was missing from your reply to uninvited friend. You should have mentioned that you haven’t seen uninvited friend for a while because she hasn’t invited you to her events.
I hope you didn’t go to mutual friend’s for lunch. That would extend the drama,

I hastily made plans and made my excuses! This was a planned lunch so Nutty can put me on the spot/rack. I am convinced Nutty is behind it. So strange it’s a text and not a WA.

Another friend, a nutty sidekick has pulled out for an obscure reason which is not surprising. So far the others are holding out! I am wondering for how long.

What is worse, today I saw a friend in passing and told her what had happened and she said ‘oh thank goodness you know now Blizzard. As nutty has been undermining you for months very publicly’
Great! Why didn’t she tell me before.

Apparently friend didn’t want to cause any problems. It appears Nutty has been running me down for ages, and appears to be trying to ostracise me - laying the groundwork so to speak. So it wasn’t enough for her to use my illness as fodder, use and abuse my hospitality and cease to be any kind of friend whilst pretending all was fine, she has been actively and publicly working against me.

She must feel so threatened by you.

How odd.

Whilst this is just awful, you should have a good idea by the end of it, as to who your friends are.

You cannot change this or her, so best to refuse to engage in her unseemly behaviour IMO.

Live your life as best you can.

If you refuse to engage in the mud slinging, it is just her doing it.

It sounds like a lot of these women are really no great loss to you as friends.

You will get through this.

I am trying to be positive about it billy and after this knowing which friends have morals and backbones will soon become clear. In the end I will find out who I can trust when this is all over, and it will be very interesting to find out.

I have made more arrangements than usual with other friends just to get some light relief.

I have a happy life: mainly because I have faced a great deal of stuff that means I am grateful just to be here. I have no idea why she would be threatened. I have never and would never do anything to harm her in any way. She seems to have it in for me, but I have no idea why. Whatever it is she isn’t brave enough to tell me.

This is such typical queen bee behaviour.
I'm sorry she is being like this.

Good idea to see other friends.

I must admit that while I have come across this, I genuinely can't fathom the behaviour.

It repells me.

Life is just too short, so I just want to turn the other way and completely avoid.

It is surprising how many women will go along with it, but I have found it to be the type that smile at people while bitching behind their back so definitely birds of a feather flocking together!

You were only wasting your time with them, best to know.