Game playing friend - how to deal with it

[Blizzard23]

I am based in a small village this is not unimportant. When we moved here twenty years ago I made good friends with ‘Belle’ and our dc were friends and we spent many Christmases, birthdays, holidays and were super close. Over the pandemic we only grew closer.

In the interim we made separate groups of friends with different circles of friends but still sharing many local friends. Somewhere along the line once the lockdowns lifted she started prioritising some newer friends and I noticed she didn’t invite me to her birthday etc any longer - I asked her about it, if something was wrong she said no, but was vague and blamed other people for messing up the guest list. Really feeble excuses regarding dinners and parties etc but she still claimed we were the best of friends and nothing had changed. It happened repeatedly.
I continued to invite her to the things I was doing for a very long time, not wishing to be petty and to avoid tit for tat. She accepted all of our invites but never returned them for years! Instead she continued to invite others. Eventually I eased off including her, assuming our friendship was cooling, and moving to a different stage. It was sad at the time ofc but just one of those things.

I have some very close friends elsewhere and have been spending more time with them in the last few years. I have accepted this particular friendship has changed, and even after we spoke about it nothing changed for the better in terms of reciprocity. I am planning a birthday party in the summer and have invited local friends and others.

I have now received an outraged message from this friend demanding to know why she isn’t invited and really kicking off. It appears she expects to have birthdays and parties and not invite me, but I am expected to continue to roll out the invites and red carpet for her…

Can someone please share with me their thoughts on this. I am stumped.

Should I have invited her?
Why is she doing this?

I was going to to warn you to be prepared for a “coincidental” event being planned for the same day now. This type is so predictable.

If I were you I'd get in asap with your side of the story with mutual friends. Next time you see any of them I'd just say 'hey, I had a weird message from [nutty friend] who says she's angry she's not been invited to my BBQ. I just wanted to see what you thought about it as she's not invited me to any of her events for literally years so i thought we'd just drifted apart. I was sad about that but I accepted it as when I'd spoken to her previously she said nothing was wrong' etc etc. And just say you invited her for coffee etc but she's still being weird with you.

I think otherwise you do risk her turning people against you. You don't have to be calculating about it all, just tell them the truth and ask for their opinions.

This situation is going to test all of my friendships that are linked to Nutty.
It is my feeling that some may let me down, buckle under her command, others might pull through. Either way I am about to find out the wheat from the chaff.

I sense her outrage, I can feel it from here. She has had long enough to do the right thing, be a decent person etc but she has chosen to play games and devalue both our friendship and herself. I can’t and won’t have ‘friends’ like this, that are more interested in village gossip and hierarchy than anything else.

I am prepared that maybe none of these friends will make it, and if that happens they were not friends in the first place and don’t deserve a place at my table.

Village life can give people nervous breakdowns, and it has done in the past even here I am sorry to say. Not everyone can cope with it. I have lived here for 22 years and dream of some autonomy and social freedoms in the city, where you can distance from unscrupulous people without too much difficulty!

This is the kind of thing 12 year olds do.
What would happen if you cancelled your barbecue?

I am not going to cancel, she would love that!

I often think some women remain locked in year six, stunted emotional intelligence that stalls at pubescent age and they never seem to move past it.
I thought she was better than this, it’s disappointing.

You are not wrong OP in your assessment that you will see which friends are real.

Remain your calm unruffled self that really doesn't understand this reaction, let that be their image of you, with a core of steel.

Your mutual friend is of her ilk, and you may indeed find others.

As you age it is good to know whom are your friends and who are fair weather acquaintances.

She sounds like an ugly bully.

I had friends like this who chose to act like 13 year olds. They enjoyed the drama of ostracising previous friends in the group, then posting their meet ups on Facebook so the non-invited people had their noses rubbed in it. Proper mean girl behaviour.

Fast forward 10 years and the 'nice' friends have chosen to separate from the group entirely, leaving a small group of three. People reap what they sow and others start to see that toxicity and bitchiness aren't qualities they want in friends.

Exactly billy I would rather find out now in benign conditions, than invest a life time of love, time and effort only to find out this side of her possibly under far more difficult circumstances.

I have spent some time going over her past behaviour, and now realise that even when it looked like she was being a good friend and really kind (when I had cancer for instance, and had surgery) what she was actually doing was visiting to gain the latest instalment so she could share it with everyone else. I always wondered how people knew so much, but was too ill at the time to care. The more I think about it she has always been like this, it was just framed and dressed differently.
A true wolf in sheep’s clothes.

If you were super close in lockdowns surely it has only been 1 - 2 years max that she has cooled off over not 3-4 years as that is pre lockdown? How many birthdays have you not been invited to?

Yanbu however- if she has cooled off and not communicating with you, ignoring you, not inviting you for 1-2 years it is crazy she is upset now..

Interestingly, the "popular" mean girls from DD's old school have now ended up with smaller groups of (toxic) friends, while the nicer ones have all banded together to form a stronger and more supportive friendship group.

They are all 22/23 now and one of DD's lovely friends apologised to her for ignoring her in year 8 because the bully told her to. The veil was well and truly lifted from lovely friend's eyes by year 11.

I think I would reply one last time “I don’t understand why she’s terribly upset, we’re really not that close nowadays. She’s left me out of her parties a few times and I’ve understood- the friendship has carried on fine. I can’t fathom why this time is different”.

It’s actions not words every single time.

what’s that saying? Never prioritise anyone for whom you are merely an option.

tell her that you’ve invited her to everything but she’s not included you in ANY of her activities for years so you’re clearly just an option and not really a friend. Tell her that it’s ok, she doesn’t need to pander to you, you’re acquaintances and that’s absolutely fine.

This sounds very messed up, but one of the reasons I have put up with her for so long is the feeling of being indebted because she was so ‘supportive’ when I had cancer. She came so much, sat with me, and texted every day for an update. I was just fodder!

I really see that now. She used to insist on coming even when I was too weak to talk to anyone, and didn’t have the energy for her visits.
She would have gone directly to the coffee shop afterwards and ‘poor Blizzard she is in a terrible way’ thereby cementing herself as the village saviour and all round good egg, whilst simultaneously serving and regaling everyone else with tales of my cancer and she had all the ‘inside’ information. Mainly because she foisted herself on us at the most difficult moments.

How did I not see this?

@Blizzard23 I know you have had a conversation re not being invited to things but if she is playing victim and showing ppl your messages it might be time to mention it-get it out there in writing.

Someone upthread suggested a "I thought as you weren't inviting me to things you wanted some space so I was respecting your boundries" type statement would be ideal. I would also have said that to the "concerned friend" who messaged you to make a clear point that she started it and is in no way a victim!

It’s just dawning on me that I have been played for YEARS!!!!!!!

Well, the scales have fallen from your eyes. It maybe a lonely road ahead so keep your dignity and quietly withdraw.

Its honestly not messed up on your part, you wanted to believe she was being a true friend who cared because you are a nice person and that's why you couldn't see she's the messed up wolf in sheep's clothing.
I'd be inclined now to go to closer mutual friends for 'advice' on how to move forward so you can put your side across

Fortunately I have lots of other friends that have nothing to do with nutty.

I am furious.

I hope I don’t see her anywhere today. I can see her now for exactly as she is, and my god it’s an ugly picture. The scales have truly fallen. It’s taken an embarrassingly long time, but she is looking at her in the cold light of day, a practiced operator.

MzHz It’s definitely actions over words. I was a free option, useful contact, gossip fodder and generous to boot.

Now I’m having a hard look at everyone else!

Try not to be too furious, (easy to say, I know!) it'll eat you up inside otherwise. All that does is give HER and her flying monkeys power over your feelings.

Just sit back and watch the "fun" unfold knowing you have made your position clear and you are now out of her palm.

What an utter horror.

Foisting herself on you when you were so ill, so that she could be the village foghorn.

How utterly ghastly.

I think if you want to send out some replies as suggested, do.

I would express surprise at this BIZARRE turn of events though.

I don't think it is possible to overstate how awful she sounds and how truly horrible you have to be in your character to use a womans illness to your advantage.

I would be letting that leak out in my own time to those you trust.

Perhaps replying to her that "I simply cannot understand this bizzare over reaction to my having a small gathering in my home for a few friends, when I haven't been included in a single party, dinner party, etc for X number of years in yours. Very confusing, and so unnecessary. Wishing you well though"

Maybe too strong or someone could tidy it up?

I am considering flicking it right back and saying is Nutty okay as she seems to be behaving bizarrely lately. Leave it at that.

What a bloody cheek to get so worked up about an invite she doesn’t remotely deserve.

I have no doubt at some point this is going to come up in some capacity, as it appears this is all Nutty has to live for and she will no doubt be feeding from the drama. As I said this is a VERY quiet village!!!! You gotta get your fun from somewhere apparently 😀

I like this. A reply to mutual friend such as "I thought as she wasn't inviting me to things she wanted some space so I was respecting her boundaries"

Having read your updates @Blizzard23 , I think the reason Nutty is going nutty is because she no longer has access to your stream of social information. She is going nutty because her stream of village gossip is drying up.

Keep going the way you're going. When she goes low, you go high. Fake it until you make it (if you need to) when it comes to putting on a brave face, even though you have done nothing wrong.

Best of luck to you!