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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teacher acting differently now towards us

123 replies

Underthenorthernskies · 21/04/2023 20:37

I had some issues with some things at school for my dd, 4.
I’m very much not *That mum at school,
I’m always friendly at school and am quite shy and hate confrontation.
There was an issue that was making dd very upset and I’d discussed it with the teacher (in a nice way) many times and sent emails to follow up, from Dh too. Nothing changed and I felt I had no option but to book a meeting with the head. The teacher asked me about it and I explained why I felt the need to go to the head. It was an awkward and embarrassing situation and we seemed to finally sort things out between us and I cancelled the appointment with the head.
Since then, I’ve noticed a shift, she’s polite but not the same with me and seems dismissive of Dd.
I've just received her most recent report via email and it’s different to previous ones, very brief and not positive or encouraging in any way.
I’m a former teacher and have in the past worked with some teachers who have taken things out on the children, in a very subtle way, if there have been problems with parents etc.
The majority of teachers I worked with were fantastic and many of my best friends are teachers, but sadly, it does happen.
Just feeling a bit upset/pissed off about this.
Aibu to feel this may be happening?

OP posts:
BranchGold · 21/04/2023 20:39

I think it’s tricky to advise too much without understanding what the issue was, and what outcomes you were hoping for from the teacher and then from the head. Could you clarify a little bit.

Iamnotwhatyouthinkiam · 21/04/2023 20:40

I think she thinks you are that parent now though and no I don't doubt that she is behaving differently and yes I know exactly what u mean about the subtle or not so subtle ways teachers can treat children based on their feelings of the parent. Which is why I make a point of never being that parent.

RoseslnTheHospital · 21/04/2023 20:42

There's a difference between being less chatty and less effusive in a written report, and treating your DD less favourably in class. Did the issue get sorted and has your DD reported any new or ongoing issues?

cansu · 21/04/2023 20:43

It may be that she thinks you are a pain. Regardless she is polite and is doing her job. I guess you feel she is less friendly. There is nothing you can do about that. The fact is that both you and your dh have been emailing and then you decided you were unhappy with her actions. There are some parents who are never happy. I have some that I spend hours on. I am polite but honestly yes they are 'that parent'. There seems to be little evidence that she is taking it out on your child other than you feel the report is not as effusive.

SmurfHaribos · 21/04/2023 20:43

It maybe that was upset by your actions and is a bit cautious now.

grayhairdontcare · 21/04/2023 20:46

It sounds like you are "That Parent"

Mamette · 21/04/2023 20:47

The report is not positive in any way? About a 4yo? No, that’s not good enough. I would query that by whatever channels are available and go back to the head again if necessary.

BranchGold · 21/04/2023 20:50

Mamette · 21/04/2023 20:47

The report is not positive in any way? About a 4yo? No, that’s not good enough. I would query that by whatever channels are available and go back to the head again if necessary.

I think that approach now might put you on a fast track to being labelled ‘That parent’ for the entirety of their primary school education.

A 4 year olds school report shouldn’t be too damaging to their future self, some parental resilience here will be good for their development.

MichelleScarn · 21/04/2023 20:52

Why did you and your husband both need to email? Was this all over a singular issue?

CaptainMyCaptain · 21/04/2023 20:52

SmurfHaribos · 21/04/2023 20:43

It maybe that was upset by your actions and is a bit cautious now.

I think this is it. She thinks the less she says to you the less chance there is of offending you.

FangedFrisbee · 21/04/2023 20:52

You are now 'that parent' to the teacher at least. What issue could a 4 year have that required the head teacher? As a teacher dont you understand that she's seen your behaviour as a massive overreaction?

FangedFrisbee · 21/04/2023 20:53

Sorry former teacher..

Also why did you both email?

carriedout · 21/04/2023 20:53

grayhairdontcare · 21/04/2023 20:46

It sounds like you are "That Parent"

I do not understand this fear.

Parents are letting their kids down if they won't raise genuine issues because they are scared of the teacher. Teachers should be professional and able to deal with issues sensibly.

@Underthenorthernskies - it is a shame you cancelled the meeting with the head. Has the issue been resolved? Will your DD have a new teacher in Septmber? If so I would just ride out the last term, but I might have a quiet word with the head anyway about whatever the original issue was.

noeverrest · 21/04/2023 20:55

How many reports do they write a year?

carriedout · 21/04/2023 20:55

FangedFrisbee · 21/04/2023 20:52

You are now 'that parent' to the teacher at least. What issue could a 4 year have that required the head teacher? As a teacher dont you understand that she's seen your behaviour as a massive overreaction?

It was the class teacher ignoring the issue that prompted the escalation, presumably. It is normal to escalate if the class teacher can't deal with any issue, IMO.

I used to be a teacher. We were expected to resolve issues, not ignore issues. If we didn't think they were issues that warranted our action, we would have been expected to communicate that to the parent.

Darkchocolatekitkat · 21/04/2023 20:55

It sounds like she’s being careful with you, and she thinks you’re “that parent” - to judge I’d have to know what the issue was that you and your husband repeatedly bombarded her with emails about. With a term to go I’d probably just forget about it unless my child was actually distressed or I had something more concrete than “seems dismissive of DD”.

Fairydustandsparklylights · 21/04/2023 20:56

What proof do you have that she isn’t treating your child well? Has your dd said something?

Based on your actions, the teacher probably doesn’t like you… which is fine. You probably were a pain in her arse and now she’s polite but not overly chatty. I’m guessing you want to go to the head to complain about that also?

Original poster
Underthenorthernskies · 21/04/2023 20:56

I’m too worried to complain about anything else again. This was one thing that wasn’t changing and was impacting Dds health and I worried, mental health. We approached really nicely many times and Dd was still v upset at night and not wanting to return to school. She may be upset with me, but we found it upsetting that she didn’t appear to be addressing anything we’d discussed at all. I’m very laid back about other things. I’m always friendly, as I say and basically just want to be the parent that says hi, is polite and just drops and picks up, but Dd was very upset and if needed addressing. It wasn’t a case of never being happy with anything or being that parent at all, we had one issue. I‘m just keen for Dd to move on to the next year and start fresh.

OP posts:
Fairydustandsparklylights · 21/04/2023 20:57

What was the issue? Without knowing that, it’s impossible to know who is being unreasonable.

Original poster
Underthenorthernskies · 21/04/2023 20:59

@carriedout Exactly, I would have addressed it immediately.

OP posts:
Original poster
Underthenorthernskies · 21/04/2023 20:59

She wasn’t *Bombarded with emails

OP posts:
RoseslnTheHospital · 21/04/2023 20:59

When you say she is dismissive of your DD now, how does that manifest? Is this at drop off and pick up times? What does the teacher now do that is dismissive?

noeverrest · 21/04/2023 21:00

Underthenorthernskies · 21/04/2023 20:59

@carriedout Exactly, I would have addressed it immediately.

Maybe the report is brief as the teachers are writing multiple reports over the year? Mine has only ever had one at the end of the year and then a discussion at parents evening every term.

carriedout · 21/04/2023 21:01

Underthenorthernskies · 21/04/2023 20:56

I’m too worried to complain about anything else again. This was one thing that wasn’t changing and was impacting Dds health and I worried, mental health. We approached really nicely many times and Dd was still v upset at night and not wanting to return to school. She may be upset with me, but we found it upsetting that she didn’t appear to be addressing anything we’d discussed at all. I’m very laid back about other things. I’m always friendly, as I say and basically just want to be the parent that says hi, is polite and just drops and picks up, but Dd was very upset and if needed addressing. It wasn’t a case of never being happy with anything or being that parent at all, we had one issue. I‘m just keen for Dd to move on to the next year and start fresh.

I wouldn't worry about the report, that doesn't matter at age 4.

We all want to be 'nice' but if there is something wrong, it has to be talked about. You shouldn't be worried about raising concerns with a teacher, they are professionals.

What was the issue? It is hard to say whether you over reacted without knowing what it is.

FangedFrisbee · 21/04/2023 21:01

Fairydustandsparklylights · 21/04/2023 20:56

What proof do you have that she isn’t treating your child well? Has your dd said something?

Based on your actions, the teacher probably doesn’t like you… which is fine. You probably were a pain in her arse and now she’s polite but not overly chatty. I’m guessing you want to go to the head to complain about that also?

Exactly this. I'd expect a former teacher to understand that tbh!