Teacher acting differently now towards us

[Underthenorthernskies]

I had some issues with some things at school for my dd, 4.
I’m very much not *That mum at school,
I’m always friendly at school and am quite shy and hate confrontation.
There was an issue that was making dd very upset and I’d discussed it with the teacher (in a nice way) many times and sent emails to follow up, from Dh too. Nothing changed and I felt I had no option but to book a meeting with the head. The teacher asked me about it and I explained why I felt the need to go to the head. It was an awkward and embarrassing situation and we seemed to finally sort things out between us and I cancelled the appointment with the head.
Since then, I’ve noticed a shift, she’s polite but not the same with me and seems dismissive of Dd.
I've just received her most recent report via email and it’s different to previous ones, very brief and not positive or encouraging in any way.
I’m a former teacher and have in the past worked with some teachers who have taken things out on the children, in a very subtle way, if there have been problems with parents etc.
The majority of teachers I worked with were fantastic and many of my best friends are teachers, but sadly, it does happen.
Just feeling a bit upset/pissed off about this.
Aibu to feel this may be happening?

I feel like I resonate greatly with this particular comment.

Really curious about which country this is, is it France? I'm French, live in the UK and am astonished how different the approach to food is in both countries.
My nieces and nephews are always made to finish their food, I feel so out of place with my DC there now, it is like they're committing a crime if something is left on their plate!

Anyway, your poor DD, it sounds like you did the right thing advocating for her.

As parents we shouldn't have to be worried about being 'that parent'.
In that case I prob have been many times.
Just sort it professionally

I have never complained at my kids school, I am the parent that drops off, smiles, and picks up. However, in your case I would have taken this up with the head.

Are you in France ? I remember a similar saga years ago when I worked as an au pair. One of the children was constantly upset over being punished for not not eating lunch.
OP you are absolutely not being "that parent" you have a 100% legitimate grievance against the school. A friend had a child with a similar medical issue and it was awful for them. You are your child's advocate don't worry what that woman thinks of you. It's almost May now so depending on where you are possibly only 8 or so weeks left at school. Hopefully you will have a new teacher in September but I'd be having a meeting with the principal in September again reminding them of your DDs condition

This is likely what happened. I’m a teacher. If a parent asked for a meeting with the head teacher (and didn’t say what it was about), the head would absolutely come and ask me if I had any idea what it was for. If I wasn’t sure, they would probably ask me to check in when I saw that parent. There’s absolutely nothing unprofessional about it. Did you assume that you would be able to meet with the head teacher without the teacher being made aware?

If she's going to be that way just speak to the head and tell her how awful the teacher is being now. She's not there to be your friend she's there to teach your daughter so make sure she's doing her job.

@STARCATCHER22 I’m a teacher also. The head asking the teacher is normal in my experience, but I wouldn’t have approached the parent to ask them what it was about, I’d have wanted to know, but wouldn’t.

Thanks so much for the supportive comments from many, feeling like it’s really not a nice situation.

I’m in Portugal, I’ve heard that Spain and France have a very similar attitude.
Dd tells me that nearly all the children hate the food and some cry, but many shovel it down really fast so as to not get in trouble 😢
They’re just so little.
This issue has been so distressing, I’ve been seriously considering returning to the U.K.

If you didn’t say what you wanted to meet about, it is entirely plausible and understandable that the head teacher may have asked the teacher to find out what you wanted to meet about. Particularly if it then transpired that you didn’t need to meet with the head and could resolve things without the additional meeting.
It may not have happened to you but it is absolutely possible.

It’s clear that you don’t like the teacher. Fine. The lunchtime rules sound awful. But I don’t think that she’s in the wrong and being unprofessional for asking.

In my experience of teaching primary for nearly a decade, there are basically two categories of parents
a) Very pleasant with the potential to be rude and irrational if they think you've treated their child unfairly
b) Rude and irrational normally with the potential to be very pleasant if at the end of the year they think you've treated their child fairly.

Sounds like you're: c) Just rude and irrational

Speak for yourself.

I've seen this happen to my daughter too.

It's shit and there's nothing you can do about it really.

Teachers might say they would never do this and no doubt lots if people will tell you that you're wrong but it certainly does happen.

If you are 'that parent', good for you. Someone has to be your child's advocate, she's 4 and it's not her job to sort issues.

My child's teacher during her ADHD diagnosis, fully knowing that despite trying, my daughter could barely get a few words down on paper, took her aside for a 'quiet conversation' so she could tell her 'your work is rubbish'. My daughter was 6 1/2 - 7. She also tore up her work when she was upset with how little my daughter had done.

The comments she admitted to, the torn up work she denied but despite telling she'd folded the work and put it in a drawer she couldn't present the piece of work to me - told me she'd lost it.

Same teacher looked me dead in the eye and told me that the work I was doing at home with my daughter (my daughter was very behind) was worth nothing. This was in response to me excitedly sharing a story with her that my daughter had chosen to sit down and write while I'd been in the shower that morning. It was meant positively and she took her moment to crush me.

The more I raised these issues, the worse it got.

I definitely don't think you were unreasonable to email the head, as this attitude towards food is obviously a schoolwide approach rather than something the teacher personally instigated. However, if the teacher is indeed being less friendly towards you, I don't think you can really complain as long as she is still being polite, and is treating your child with respect (hard to know, as you're obviously not there in school with her, but you've no reason to think she isn't, and I wouldn't get overly fixated on one report.) If it were me, I'd let it go for now as long as your child isn't upset over how the teacher treats her.
As for treating children differently due to behaviour of the parents, I taught for several years and while the parents didn't change how I saw/treated the children, there was one exception. I had a pupil whose mother was very overbearing and quite frankly deranged, picking up on any little thing I said to the child and demanding why I had asked this or said that- say the child came in on a Monday with some sort of animal memento and I complimented it, the child would tell me all about her weekend at the zoo and next thing I knew, the mother would be contacting me, asking why I was quizzing her child about the weekend, what business was it of mine where they went, they hadn't missed any school, etc etc. If the child was sick, she'd come back and I'd say it was nice to see her, was she feeling better etc and again, the mother would be at me, asking why I was demanding if she was better, questioning if she was really ill🙄. After a while, it did start to affect how I treated the child- obviously I was still nice to her, included her and helped her and didn't do anything differently academically but I was less eager to engage in conversations about her home life. Of course I would still listen if she wanted to chat and and would never stop her from telling me anything but I didn't have the same relaxed attitude I would have when chatting to the other children. This wasn't something I did on purpose necessarily; I just tensed up when I thought of the mother and would often think 'oh I'll get an email about that later'.
This is obviously an exception to the norm, and I'm not even really directing it at you OP, it's just for those expressing shock that any teacher could treat a child differently because of their parents; I'm just saying that occasionally it's hard not to let a parent influence you somewhat. Obviously if you're treating a child badly in some way or taking a grudge towards a parent out on a child, that's a different matter.

Oh and here we have ..... nasty teacher who can't handle parents caring about their child.

We have teachers in the family and they have been the ones who have told me I need to raise certain issues.

The biggest helpers you will ever have to building a successful school year are the children's parents. Shame you seem to think they're such an annoyance to you.

This is a really odd take, as it implies rudeness and irrationality underpin all parental communications.

What's rude and irrational about wanting the school to follow the Dr's instructions re the child and food?

The child is upset and this could well cause real issues over food.

I think the OP should have had the meeting with the head.

To all the posters who are so worried about being 'that' parent, I'd rather be a frigging pariah at the school gates before I'd overlook something that was really upsetting my child, I'd be 'that' parent all day long.

OP, you've done nothing wrong. If you feel the teacher may be taking her obvious dislike of you out on your daughter I wouldn't be afraid to raise it otherwise I'd just grit your teeth til next term. There isn't long left.

Op you are so right to complain about this. The repercussions of this are huge on your daughter. I wouldn’t worry about her being off at all but I would chase up your daughters needs with the head. For context, I never complain about anything but this I would definitely follow up on formally with the head. It’s just too important really to leave go! You will never be “that parent “ over this. It’s a issue that ought to be easily fixed and taken seriously!

I had similar with 1 of my DC's. It escalated out of hand at one stage and I went to local education board for advice. When I said teacher name and school I saw a visible change in the person dealing with the matter - it dawned on me I wasn't the 1st to complain. Not long afterwards her behaviour improved but I wasn't given any inkling as to whether there'd been contact from Ed Board as as it was resolved, I didn't ask.

Don't let anybody here convince you that you are/may be in the wrong OP. Teachers are human, they can be in the wrong too. Who cares if she thinks you're 'that parent?'. She could be 'that teacher'. Stand up for your DD. I know there's a 'teacher is always right/must never be questioned' mentality here but there are occasions that hasn't worked out well.

I respect good teachers, even those who have off days at times - again, we're all human. But making my child anxious and miserable at school is something I won't stand for. Hope this resolves for you and your DD.

@STARCATCHER22 Yes, I said that’s normal that the head would meet with the teacher to get a heads up about what the issue could be.

This is exactly the attitude that is the problem with current education. That there is a one size fits all approach that children should be forced and manoeuvred into fitting. Even if they don’t. Equality and fairly are not the same.

For me the difference is this when I am trying to sort DS issues. What can be done to help him that doesn’t impact on any of the other children. For example yesterday his school did a fun event that stressed him out massively, it was agreed he simply sat it out. I didn’t ask for the event to not go ahead or impact anyone else

That said this rule sounds awful.

It sounds as though the problem is caused by the culture of the school towards lunch. In which case, you should have kept your meeting with the HT and, in fact, went to them first because all the staff who supervise lunch had to be made aware not to chivvy your DD and it sounds as though the class teacher isn't in a position to instruct the other lunchtime staff.
When you cancelled the meeting with the HT, did you tell them what the problem had been and how it had been resolved?
The teacher would probably have respected you more if you'd went through with the meeting with the HT.

That was the one issue my dd was glad she went into secondary, so that she is no longer forced to eat her food UK