Page 2 | Teacher acting differently now towards us

Underthenorthernskies · 2023-04-21T19:37:39+00:00

I had some issues with some things at school for my dd, 4. I’m very much not *That mum at school, I’m always friendly at school and am quite shy and hate confrontation. There was an issue that was making dd very upset and I’d discussed it with the teacher (in a nice way) many times and sent emails to follow up, from Dh too. Nothing changed and I felt I had no option but to book a meeting with the head. The teacher asked me about it and I explained why I felt the need to go to the head. It was an awkward and embarrassing situation and we seemed to finally sort things out between us and I cancelled the appointment with the head. Since then, I’ve noticed a shift, she’s polite but not the same with me and seems dismissive of Dd. I've just received her most recent report via email and it’s different to previous ones, very brief and not positive or encouraging in any way. I’m a former teacher and have in the past worked with some teachers who have taken things out on the children, in a very subtle way, if there have been problems with parents etc. The majority of teachers I worked with were fantastic and many of my best friends are teachers, but sadly, it does happen. Just feeling a bit upset/pissed off about this. Aibu to feel this may be happening?

MichelleScarn · 21/04/2023 21:05

This was one thing that wasn’t changing and was impacting Dds health and I worried, mental health. We approached really nicely many times and Dd was still v upset at night and not wanting to return to school.

Is it to do with issues re going to the loo?

Darkchocolatekitkat · 21/04/2023 21:07

Underthenorthernskies · 21/04/2023 20:59

She wasn’t *Bombarded with emails

Your child has been in her class for two terms and in that time you’ve met “many times” and you and your DH both followed up by email. If it’s that serious it needs that much communication and follow up (so eg it was a bullying issue or suspected SEN or a medical problem) then I’d have gone to the headteacher after the first couple of meetings if nothing was changing. She clearly doesn’t think it’s important enough to have acted on it with any speed, so she’s got you down as “that parent” for pursing her over something she clearly doesn’t regard with the same importance you do.

Mummyof287 · 21/04/2023 21:09

Underthenorthernskies · 21/04/2023 20:56

I’m too worried to complain about anything else again. This was one thing that wasn’t changing and was impacting Dds health and I worried, mental health. We approached really nicely many times and Dd was still v upset at night and not wanting to return to school. She may be upset with me, but we found it upsetting that she didn’t appear to be addressing anything we’d discussed at all. I’m very laid back about other things. I’m always friendly, as I say and basically just want to be the parent that says hi, is polite and just drops and picks up, but Dd was very upset and if needed addressing. It wasn’t a case of never being happy with anything or being that parent at all, we had one issue. I‘m just keen for Dd to move on to the next year and start fresh.

Please don't ever not complain if you feel the need to....your little girl needs to know you can fight her corner if she needs you to!

All the people saying about not being 'that parent' so bloody what... the OP shouldn't feel bad for caring about her child's needs and wellbeing ffs even though that never seems to be fashionable on mumsnet...and also schools and teachers always seem to be infallible for some reason on here too 🤦‍♀️

Don't be made to feel like you're the bad one here OP, it doesn't sound like you've done anything wrong whatsoever!

My daughters teachers would never react like that, they have always been very accomodating, professional and friendly to me, dh and dd (and yes you've guessed it, I'm probably what seems to be referred to as 'that parent' to some degree 😄)

Vintagecreamandcottagepie · 21/04/2023 21:10

Former teacher here too.

No matter what has gone on with you and her, she should in no way let it affect how she treats your daughter.

If she is, that is not good enough.

Will she have anew teavher next year?

If so I'd be inclined to feel irritable about it all, but keep my head down and ha e as little to do with her as possible between now and July.

Mamette · 21/04/2023 21:12

BranchGold · 21/04/2023 20:50

I think that approach now might put you on a fast track to being labelled ‘That parent’ for the entirety of their primary school education.

A 4 year olds school report shouldn’t be too damaging to their future self, some parental resilience here will be good for their development.

Show quote history

I’m not sure the threat here is as worrying to me as you seem to imagine.

I’ve never had cause to go to the head with any of my 3 children but if I did, I would do so to advocate for my child, without a second thought. Being labelled whatever wouldn’t be on my radar of give a fuck.

Any teacher taking out a gripe on my child would be in for a long road of dealing with “that parent”.

Original poster

Underthenorthernskies · 21/04/2023 21:12

I posted about the issue on here before, under a different username I think.
We’re abroad, so there are a few differences here etc.
My Dd started Pre school part time (only mornings, no lunch) as she had some stomach issues as had become impacted and we were under the hospital etc.
At the start of the term we had an initial meeting with the head & class teacher explaining all the issues and all was great, we had medical reports and letters from our brilliant doctor etc. We agreed to start cautiously and if DD’s symptoms improved, we’d try for full days and she’d stay for lunch. Dd has got a lot better, but still has periods of constipation, where she’ll have tummy aches, excess gas and feels very full, she’ll lose her appetite or only want to eat small portions during these phases. It’s less often now and we’re still under the Dr for occasional check ups.
It came about that Dd was coming home crying and being v upset at night and not wanting to go to school. Staff had been telling her to eat all the time and she was crying and saying she couldn’t and her stomach hurt etc.
I spoke to the teacher (always in a nice, approachable way) and said how upset she’d been getting and reiterated her stomach troubles and how she couldn’t eat sometimes and please not to force it, that we didn’t mind if she didn’t eat and we’d rather she felt relaxed about food and wasn’t getting upset etc. She told me that they had to eat etc, but they weren’t forced…staff walk around saying ‘Eat, eat, eat!’
It kept happening, I asked the teacher again, nothing changed. I explained to the Dr at the most recent consultation and they said they shouldn’t force it and she wrote a letter stating Dds problems again and that she should only eat when she felt able to. We emailed the teacher with a copy of this and again said how upset Dd was getting.
Things changed for a bit and we assumed that was the end of it, Dd seemed much happier and confident to go to school again.
Then one day, Dd was very upset, not herself at all and said she didn’t want to say why. I managed to gently get out of her that she didn’t want to eat, had tummy ache and they put her on the bench for not eating her lunch.
Admittedly I was fuming and just really fed up of the whole situation.
I emailed the head asking for a meeting, I didn’t state the reason why.

OP posts:

Fairydustandsparklylights · 21/04/2023 21:15

Oh yes, I remember your last post. You’re definitely well within your rights to complain and I’m surprised you cancelled the meeting with your head. Ignore the teacher and if you have specifics of how your child is being treated differently, then raise them immediately. I wouldn’t get worked up over a report that isn’t as fluffy as you’d have hoped.

RoseslnTheHospital · 21/04/2023 21:16

That's a whole school policy by the sound of it, rather than an issue with this one teacher and your child. And it sounds like perhaps a cultural issue as well. Do the class teachers supervise lunchtimes at this school and is that normal in your country?

If I had issues with lunchtime supervision and processes in the UK it wouldn't be an issue I would take up with the class teacher, it would be something I'd probably speak directly to the head about.

noeverrest · 21/04/2023 21:16

Underthenorthernskies · 21/04/2023 21:12

I posted about the issue on here before, under a different username I think.
We’re abroad, so there are a few differences here etc.
My Dd started Pre school part time (only mornings, no lunch) as she had some stomach issues as had become impacted and we were under the hospital etc.
At the start of the term we had an initial meeting with the head & class teacher explaining all the issues and all was great, we had medical reports and letters from our brilliant doctor etc. We agreed to start cautiously and if DD’s symptoms improved, we’d try for full days and she’d stay for lunch. Dd has got a lot better, but still has periods of constipation, where she’ll have tummy aches, excess gas and feels very full, she’ll lose her appetite or only want to eat small portions during these phases. It’s less often now and we’re still under the Dr for occasional check ups.
It came about that Dd was coming home crying and being v upset at night and not wanting to go to school. Staff had been telling her to eat all the time and she was crying and saying she couldn’t and her stomach hurt etc.
I spoke to the teacher (always in a nice, approachable way) and said how upset she’d been getting and reiterated her stomach troubles and how she couldn’t eat sometimes and please not to force it, that we didn’t mind if she didn’t eat and we’d rather she felt relaxed about food and wasn’t getting upset etc. She told me that they had to eat etc, but they weren’t forced…staff walk around saying ‘Eat, eat, eat!’
It kept happening, I asked the teacher again, nothing changed. I explained to the Dr at the most recent consultation and they said they shouldn’t force it and she wrote a letter stating Dds problems again and that she should only eat when she felt able to. We emailed the teacher with a copy of this and again said how upset Dd was getting.
Things changed for a bit and we assumed that was the end of it, Dd seemed much happier and confident to go to school again.
Then one day, Dd was very upset, not herself at all and said she didn’t want to say why. I managed to gently get out of her that she didn’t want to eat, had tummy ache and they put her on the bench for not eating her lunch.
Admittedly I was fuming and just really fed up of the whole situation.
I emailed the head asking for a meeting, I didn’t state the reason why.

Does her class teacher also supervise lunchtime or do they have lunch staff to do that?I wonder if maybe that's why the message wasn't getting through to the correct people.

ShowUs · 21/04/2023 21:17

Is she acting in an inappropriate manner or just different?

If she has had a complaint about her then she is going to be quite formal with you, like all of us if we had a complaint made against us.

As long as she’s not being inappropriate then I don’t really see the issue.

If she is being inappropriate then you need to complain and tbh I’d think about changing schools if this is an ongoing thing.

FangedFrisbee · 21/04/2023 21:17

What does the actions of a lunch time supervisor have to do with your kids class teacher?

Original poster

Underthenorthernskies · 21/04/2023 21:26

The teacher also supervised at lunch and was also one telling Dd to ‘Eat, eat, eat!’ She also tried to feed her soup with the spoon when Dd was crying saying she couldn’t/didn’t want to eat.
I assumed after the first talk I had with her, she’d inform all staff at lunch time and Dd wouldn’t be forced to eat. I don’t think she did anything about it and it just kept happening.
Before the meeting with the head had had a chance to take place, the class teacher approached me asking if all was okay and that the head had told her we’d emailed for a meeting, which I also thought was pretty unprofessional 🤷🏻‍♀️
I felt really awkward but was just really honest and said that I’d approached her many times about Dds issues, then had emailed and had even emailed a drs report and Dd was still very upset. I said how much Dd likes her and coming to school but that she was very upset and didn’t want to come to school (I’d said all this previously too) I said that I had no option but to go to the head as nothing was being resolved/addressed.
She said to me that Dd wasn’t put on the bench as a *Time out, but that children sit there when they didn’t eat…I don’t know, she managed to persuade me it wouldn’t happen again and I emailed the head saying we’d resolved things (I hadn’t put a complaint about her to the head)
Since then she’s different

OP posts:

IsItThough · 21/04/2023 21:26

It wasn't a complaint about the teacher herself but more the school approach to lunchtimes not accommodating your daughters illness. It was entirely for the head to resolve. Have you had a meeting with the head and have they resolved it?
What action will be taken to prevent this recurring?
I would double down, insist on seeing the head and insist that your daughters next teacher is briefed before transition to next year.
This is how school refusal starts.

Original poster

Underthenorthernskies · 21/04/2023 21:27

They sometimes stay with the same teacher for two years, I’m just hoping it’s a new one and a fresh start for next September.

OP posts:

RoseslnTheHospital · 21/04/2023 21:28

Is it normal in the country you're in for adults to be so keen to get children to eat?

Original poster

Underthenorthernskies · 21/04/2023 21:31

@RoseslnTheHospital Its definitely a cultural thing too for sure. Most parents get angry if the children *Don’t eat their lunches as they pay for them and just seem to be really worried when children don’t eat. It feels a very old school approach. I understand cultural differences but I’ve bent over backwards expressing our wishes and how we want things to be for Dd

OP posts:

carriedout · 21/04/2023 21:32

Underthenorthernskies · 21/04/2023 21:12

I posted about the issue on here before, under a different username I think.
We’re abroad, so there are a few differences here etc.
My Dd started Pre school part time (only mornings, no lunch) as she had some stomach issues as had become impacted and we were under the hospital etc.
At the start of the term we had an initial meeting with the head & class teacher explaining all the issues and all was great, we had medical reports and letters from our brilliant doctor etc. We agreed to start cautiously and if DD’s symptoms improved, we’d try for full days and she’d stay for lunch. Dd has got a lot better, but still has periods of constipation, where she’ll have tummy aches, excess gas and feels very full, she’ll lose her appetite or only want to eat small portions during these phases. It’s less often now and we’re still under the Dr for occasional check ups.
It came about that Dd was coming home crying and being v upset at night and not wanting to go to school. Staff had been telling her to eat all the time and she was crying and saying she couldn’t and her stomach hurt etc.
I spoke to the teacher (always in a nice, approachable way) and said how upset she’d been getting and reiterated her stomach troubles and how she couldn’t eat sometimes and please not to force it, that we didn’t mind if she didn’t eat and we’d rather she felt relaxed about food and wasn’t getting upset etc. She told me that they had to eat etc, but they weren’t forced…staff walk around saying ‘Eat, eat, eat!’
It kept happening, I asked the teacher again, nothing changed. I explained to the Dr at the most recent consultation and they said they shouldn’t force it and she wrote a letter stating Dds problems again and that she should only eat when she felt able to. We emailed the teacher with a copy of this and again said how upset Dd was getting.
Things changed for a bit and we assumed that was the end of it, Dd seemed much happier and confident to go to school again.
Then one day, Dd was very upset, not herself at all and said she didn’t want to say why. I managed to gently get out of her that she didn’t want to eat, had tummy ache and they put her on the bench for not eating her lunch.
Admittedly I was fuming and just really fed up of the whole situation.
I emailed the head asking for a meeting, I didn’t state the reason why.

This whole thing is a school-wide issue, not a class teacher issue.

You should have sent a clear email straight away and asked the head to take action on this.

Is the issue resolved now?

Depersonalise issues, make them about your DD, not about the teacher.

Ottersmith · 21/04/2023 21:34

I think you should book an appointment with the head so this doesn't keep happening.

RoseslnTheHospital · 21/04/2023 21:34

I'm definitely not suggesting that cultural differences are an acceptable reason for not following the doctors advice for your DD. Just that it's context that is very different to a UK school.

Ottersmith · 21/04/2023 21:35

Or take her out before lunch time again.

Mirabai · 21/04/2023 21:35

Well it’s school-wide and this particular teacher, another teacher might have dealt with it quite differently.

What country are you in OP?

NumberTheory · 21/04/2023 21:38

I’m too worried to complain about anything else again.

Don't be. Think about what's happened here -

You had a situation where your DD was worried about going to school and was being punished for looking after her health. It wasn't a misunderstanding or a surprise to the school. You had communicated time and time again about the issue. The teacher was positive and smiley to your face but she wasn't at all concerned about making sure your DD was physically looked after.

Since your pleasent requests were not being taken seriously you escalated. Which made the teacher back down.

Now your daughter is happy to go to school but you are feeling the cold shoulder and getting poorly written reports.

Which of those two situations is better? If I were going to choose one of those scenarios for my 4 yo DD, i'd choose the latter. Your complaint has improved things for your DD.

Obviously it's better to resolve any issues in a friendly way. But being "that" parent is rarely detrimental to your kids overall, even if it means the teachers don't like you, if you have a genuine and non-trivial complaint. And if it is more detrimental, it's not a school you want your kids at.

IKnowItsNotMine · 21/04/2023 21:39

@Iamnotwhatyouthinkiam

‘the subtle or not so subtle ways teachers can treat children based on their feelings of the parent’

This is disgusting and they clearly shouldn’t be in teaching ☹️

CatticusFinch · 21/04/2023 21:41

But is she treating your daughter differently? Or is it just you she is now treating differently?

Itsanotherhreatday · 21/04/2023 21:42

I think if teachers want to keep their jobs then they do have to tread carefully round parents and their children who make complaints! Who wouldn’t?

Maybe you need to give you child a card to hand to any adult requesting they eat?