Teacher acting differently now towards us

[Underthenorthernskies]

I had some issues with some things at school for my dd, 4.
I’m very much not *That mum at school,
I’m always friendly at school and am quite shy and hate confrontation.
There was an issue that was making dd very upset and I’d discussed it with the teacher (in a nice way) many times and sent emails to follow up, from Dh too. Nothing changed and I felt I had no option but to book a meeting with the head. The teacher asked me about it and I explained why I felt the need to go to the head. It was an awkward and embarrassing situation and we seemed to finally sort things out between us and I cancelled the appointment with the head.
Since then, I’ve noticed a shift, she’s polite but not the same with me and seems dismissive of Dd.
I've just received her most recent report via email and it’s different to previous ones, very brief and not positive or encouraging in any way.
I’m a former teacher and have in the past worked with some teachers who have taken things out on the children, in a very subtle way, if there have been problems with parents etc.
The majority of teachers I worked with were fantastic and many of my best friends are teachers, but sadly, it does happen.
Just feeling a bit upset/pissed off about this.
Aibu to feel this may be happening?

@Underthenorthernskies

Please you and anyone else reading this.

Never ever be afraid to be that parent.

From my own personal experience and from working in education we really do need parents to speak out much more to help us within.

Often going to a teacher isn't enough and it does need to be escalated. I've seen departments trapped in ineptitude because staff are not trained in various things and just don't know what they are talking about and won't seek advise.

If a parent doesn't complain it's hard to move things forward and help.

@Underthenorthernskies

I've witnessed many times how information goes to say two staff who implement it. But one day they are away and then someone else forgets.

I've seen it in practise and I've had my own dc denied her inhaler.

Some teacher just take huge dislikes to children , my daughter had one of those in P1 , she was being diagnosed with adhd and after covid found p1 very hard . Her teacher started by being ok but the minute I tried to ask her to do certain things differently she was just horrendous to my child . Since moving to p2 with a great teacher it has been much easier

I think I'd find out & if its not a new teacher, I'd change schools.
Sounds to me like she's 'that teacher' and she's labelled you 'that parent' even before you've complained which is why she doesnt respect DC's right to refuse food. Sadly a no win situation for Dd.

I had problems with my sons' schools with teachers not doing their job, I won't go into details, but I was also determined not to be one of those mums but sometimes that's how it ends up. I suggest that you speak to the teacher again and just ask how things are now. Don't suggest that you thought that the email was insufficient or that she's that teacher, just wanted a quick update. If she looks you in the eye, fine, if she looks elsewhere then you may need to be a little more forthright.

It's funny that 'a nasty teacher' won a national teaching award a few years ago, gets good and outstanding lesson observations, is often stopped by children and/or parents around the town in which they teach many years after they've left school and to be told they made school enjoyable/interesting/fulfilling etc, and it's also funny that this 'nasty teacher' often gets requests to the head for their children to be in my class for another year..... and was praised by many parents for going over and above during covid (live cooking lessons- I've never imagined I'd be doing that- certificates for omelettes....)

Tidying up over Easter and found this card, one of many, from a child: 'you're a sublime, funny, exceptional, not boring, not tedious teacher...thank you for the best year of learning, I've probably learnt more this year than the whole put together. Thank you for cheering me up in my saddest times.....From.......PS my mum thinks the same thing, you're the best teacher in the school !

I feel bad about my post, as a busy teacher I didn't read the whole thread as the OP didn't mention the health issue until a few posts in and until then sounded like an complaining parent. Of course this school is not dealing with it in an acceptable or caring manner. None of us go into teaching to harm children- I found the later posts shocking.

In my defence I'm well respected amongst my colleagues for having the difficult conversations with parents they are afraid of having....but as a parent I'd rather know the truth. One child I taught in Year 5 had a lisp....his parents genuinely didn't know as they were used to it and no other teacher had even mentioned it to them. I did in a round about way- cue some tears but the child got speech therapy.

My comments about parents were harsh but there is much truth in them- this week I've had three complaints as we've handed out the lines for the Y6 leavers play- two parents demanding that I take lines off other children and give the lines to their little darlings, and another parent furious that their child didn't have a part......turns out this child didn't bother to turn up for auditions that I held throughout my lunch hour for three days (didn't eat lunch.) All this to be told I am 'ruining X's Y6 and it's not on that I don't re-write the play to give her more lines...' because she didn't get the lead role. What would you suggest I do?
I'm good at my job, and part of being good at my job is having confidence in my own abilities and knowing when to accommodate what parents are saying and knowing when to push back. The quiet Polish child who is touch and go as to if he'll pass his SATS- should I take him out of a small group that works with a TA (his mum would never protest and Dad doesn't speak English) to allow the Mum who claims her son has a specific SEN (he doesn't - dr confirmed this) and demands he gets time in a group? He distracts groups and stops everyone from working.

To sum up- parents don't always know best. The highly skilled and qualified professional - yes that's us teachers have to balance the sometimes conflicting needs of up to 33 individuals. So yes, that might mean your child isn't the lead role!

I don't think parents are an annoyance- but I think irrational, demanding and rude parents are. I am sure that these people don't speak to doctors, police officers or lawyers in the same way, so why should I put up with it?

I don't. But I see too many of my colleagues who do. And in the end, it doesn't help the child. Are you going to ring their university tutor up and complain about their essay mark?

• whole school put together.

@pleasehelpwi3 If you were trying to make a case for yourself you did the exact opposite. 🤨 You sound like a narcissist.

Ha! Not at all! Never been called that ever in four decades of being on this planet by anyone, friends, family, colleagues. But I guess there's a first time, from a random on the internet.

Not making the case for me, making the case for teachers in general who put up with a lot of shit from parents, and a lot of shit on MN too.

Sounds like u r “that parent”

To all the posters who are so worried about being 'that' parent, I'd rather be a frigging pariah at the school gates before I'd overlook something that was really upsetting my child, I'd be 'that' parent all day long.

^This

You don't like confrontation but I'd arrange a meeting with the teacher and ask why her latest report was so different to her previous ones. If she is holding a grudge against you and taking it out on your daughter, as a result of her doing fuck all about your concerns, then you want to make it clear that you see a difference in the reports so would like an explanation.

@pleasehelpwi3

You've openly admitted to calling a parent rude and irrational without even reading about what the issue is.

You've openly admitted to calling that parent rude and irrational despite saying their issue is a valid one.

It looks like all those years of teaching haven't taught you to find out the facts before making a judgement.

I'm willing to bet that you'd lose a lot of your so called supporters if they saw what you'd written in your post.

You're certainly not covering yourself in glory from where I'm standing.

I don't think parents are an annoyance- but I think irrational, demanding and rude parents are. I am sure that these people don't speak to doctors, police officers or lawyers in the same way, so why should I put up with it?

Members of the public certainly speak to police officers that way. And doctor friends I have seem to think there's a big increase in the number of people speaking to them like that. Less so with lawyer friends though I've heard duty solicitors told how to do their job. The difference I think, is that the relationship with doctors and lawyers is generally collaborative from the start and patients/clients can move on to another if they find the relationship unproductive. With police and teachers in a state school, that's not really the case. Managing that sort of conflict is a necessary part of those roles and really should be expected in a society where there is little recourse when those professionals do do things badly.

“That parent “ never knows they’re “that parent”.
They will never admit it even to themselves.

'That parent' just means: I care more about standing up for my kids than I worry about annoying the teacher.
This fear of advocating for your kids is not something I understand.

Please do not worry about being "that parent". Some teachers are great, some aren't. They're human and will have their own issues sometimes, but when you are entrusting your child for 6-8 hours a day, especially at age 4 into the care of others and something isn't right, it is your duty as a parent to address it and if the teacher isn't doing anything or it isn't getting fixed, then you have to go through the process of the next step and that's the head. You have to also have it in writing in case anything goes awry. Hence email chain is good. School is a long process with your kids and it isn't always straight forward and sometimes teachers can be really disappointing in the same way that some can be incredible. It's harder when they are little. Trust your instincts and ignore whoever says you're 'that parent'. You love her. My kids are now uni, A-level, and GCSE age. I've seen it all between myself and other parents and friends who are also teachers.

Decent teachers don't talk about parents as 'that parent' because teachers advocate for their own DCs. The only people trying to make engaged parents worry about being seen as 'that parent' are lazy parents and crap teachers. No-one should care what they think.

Yep, I bet this is it. I limited communication with parents that kept emailing, etc. Polite, of course, but certainly not chatty. Less risk of trouble.

As I said there is a difference between the parent who complains about stuff such as the school play, who demands that there child is treated better. And yes I suspect they do treat doctors etc in the sane way.

amd a parent here who is addressing something that deeply upsets their child. As I said my child has anxiety and working with the school to make sure he goes in and accesses education and is happy is my priority and sometimes that does mean asking for and pointing out minor adjustments for him that doesn’t affect anyone else.

one is for example he gets anxious around food. He takes his lunchbox and sits with his friends at lunchtime but doesn’t eat. They have offered alternatives which hasn’t worked and now he is simply left alone. His classmates see him join and sit down and treated as everyone else and he copes with them eating but the supervisors leave him alone. He has a roll in his lunchbox if he wishes to eat and his teacher knows if he gets hungry he can go to the office.

Was reading your posts and really thought it was France, but see now that it is Portugal. I completely understand the cultural implications of this situation and I do think that there can also be situations where culturally "teacher knows best" and it is expected that children conform to the norm - much more than in the UK.

I thought it might be France too.

It's not a crime to not read the whole thread, and usually the idea is to explain all the main details in a first post. I don't think you can judge someone's professionalism and ability to do their job on their approach to reading posts on Mumsnet.
Today I dealt with a very serious safeguarding issue. Of course I approached it in a different way to posting on Mumsnet. Your post seems like you're cross examining me in a court of law- I don't have supporters, I'm not a politician. I am just well respected where I work, and thought of as a good teacher as children enjoy my lessons, I achieve good results and I have a good subject knowledge, and children find me approachable and good humoured. Of course not all of these things everyday.
I feel very bad for the OP, this is a horrible situation, which has really not been handled well at all.
Yes, by all means kick off about what matters, it's your right to do so as a parents. But not the school play, or things that are inconsequential or not even the fault of the teacher. You would be amazed at some of the things parents write in to schools to complain about.