26 year old son never seems to date

[JoDolce]

I'm going to get flamed for this I know, but my 26 year old son never seems to date, I don't think he's ever had a date. He goes out with his mates, goes to the gym & park runs. He's a good looking lad & nice with it, maybe a bit shy.
He still lives with us for the simple reason he's saving for a deposit & doesn't want to rent. Pulls his weight around the house, so he's not an overgrown man chid still living at home.
I know it's none of my business but he's never had a girlfriend, never dates, never bought anyone back. Should I be worried about him in the future? He seems happy enough; but when the subject of young men still living at home with parents & never been in a relationship is brought up on mn a lot of women say its a red flag. He does want to move out & says he aims to be out in a couple of years. He'd never talk about why he doesn't date, & it's not my business anyway. I'd hate it if dating & relationships became more difficult as he gets older, if he ever does want to start. Is it really so much of a red flag these days?

Staying with parents is just sensible with how things are with housing currently. My nephew and a few of my friends children have recently moved out aged late 20s/early 30s with substantial house deposits. I hope my kids choose to stay with us and save.

Red flag for what? Trying to say this nicely, but it’s none of you business. He’s an adult (albeit still living in your house). His love life is not your concern, and never should be unless he initiates conversation.

A ton of people, especially under 30 are struggling to find healthy connections and relationships in our current climate. For all you know he could have a FWB somewhere or be having one night stands. He may also just prefer to wait until he is in a serious relationship to become sexually active or introduce anyone to you.

I have the opposite issue where my 16 yr old son has a serious 17 yr old girlfriend. They seem like a cute couple but of course I worry about pregnancy and STIs.

Pulls his weight and isn't an overgrown man child...he's gay.

I wouldn't pry because it's none of my business. Whether this young man is gay, asexual, or dating on the quiet it's of no concern to me unless he needs me after a break-up. In which case I'd provide the hugs and tissues.

Maybe he has been badly hurt in the past and kept it to himself, and is figuring out if he wants another relationship, given how emotionally draining they can be.

Please stop questioning it. It's his life. I'm in my 40s and have been single for years and years. I know people have thought I'm gay in the past (I'm not). It drives me mad when people care about my decisions. It's my life. It drives me mad when people assume someone is gay because they haven't dated for a long time.

I disagree with everyone. I too like OP would be concerned, and think it's odd to imply that being concerned is anything other than the norm. What can you do other than gently talk to him about this?

@amylou8 well he doesn't appear to be dating mem either. And what a ridiculous thing to say! Pulls his weight around the house & not a man child so he must be gay? How childish. We've brought him up to pull his weight around the house, he has no choice in the matter! Getting the jobs done, whilst he lives with us tent free so he can save doesn't equate to bring gay. Whether or not he is or isn't doesn't matter to us, its irrelevant. So if he wasn't pulling his weight you'd assime he wasn't gay I take it 🙄

I would hate to think my parents are concerned because I'm not dating. It's rediculous. It's just a societal expectation. People can be perfectly happy solo and have every right not to have people worry about their choices. I wouldn't even think twice if any of my friends/family were long time single or indeed if they chose to always remain that way. Nobody's business at all.

I didn't actively date much in my 20s either. I was happy single, I was happy to be single in the future and I had much more important things to focus on (career, friends, culture, going out and experiencing the world). I thought of a relationship as something that it might vaguely be nice to have if one came along but certainly not enough of a priority to go out hunting for it. The world of dating seemed (and still seems) unutterably dull and depressing to immerse yourself in. Of course I had a few flings and ONSs but I certainly wouldn't have told my parents about them. I can't imagine I'm particularly unusual in any of the above.

MN is extraordinarily judgmental about men who live at home a day past 21 (but not women, curiously) - it's not something I see much IRL (and it also doesn't take into account the fucked-up housing market today's 20-somethings have to survive).

One of my late husband's closest friends, who is now 65, has never been in a relationship as long as I've known him (20 years), and my husband also said he'd not known him to have anything other than a very brief fling and he met him in his early 20s. He's a lovely guy, loads of male and female friends, owns his home, has a very good job, travel extensively. Was close to his parents (deceased) and siblings snd has several nieces and nephews. Just not interested in a relationship.
If your son seems happy in himself, leave it be. I've known several females who didn't date at all until they met the man they married. My own sister had a very intense relationship at uni but after pretty much decided she didn't want anyone to ever have such control over her emotions and has been single since (now early 60s). Again successful, plenty of friends and interests, just doesn't want a relationship.

I lived with my Mum until 26. Never introduced her to boyfriends, brought them home, talked about dates. But my Mum was difficult, embarrassing- you don't sound it 😊

Only one I did is my now husband.

He sounds fine. Like you said, it's none of your biz and as long as he's happy.
Its not unusual for people in their 20s to be living at home these days IMO although i've never been one to think flat/house sharing is superior.

Try not to worry too much OP, as long as your DS is happy thats the most important thing, hes working, has friends, keeps fit, pull his weight round the house and lots of 26 year olds still live at home due to cost if housing, esp if single.
He may be shy, a bit socially inept, he may have had a few relationships but nothing serious so you werent introduced, he may like his own space. He may just not have the right opportinities to meet a partner- it used to be most people met their partners through work/ uni or mutual friends but now i think meeting a partner via dating app is a lot more common.
I was DHs first GF when he was 25, not everyone dates throughout their teens/ 20s.
Ive also noticed that that people who are on the autusm spectrum are often this they manage every day life, work, have a small group of friends etc but struggle to take relationships to next level or just need their own space.

Why would you overstep like this? Why does your “curiosity” (fancy word for “unashamed nosiness”) trump someone else’s right to a private life?

The language you use about worrying and putting your mind at ease is very telling. Clearly you’ve swallowed the relationship = good; single = bad narrative hook, line and sinker. Being single and happy to stay that way doesn’t require an explanation or justification.

Dh was similar. Just couldn’t be bothered and was quite happy. By the way, he moved out at over 30!!

I hope ds is the same, it’s a lot of drama and if you’re happy, does it matter?

What’s to be “concerned” about? Parents should be concerned if their adult child is showing obvious signs of depression or other mental health problems. If they don’t have a job and no intention of getting one as they are expecting to sponge off mum and dad. If there are signs of drug abuse or alcoholism. If they’re ignoring obvious symptoms of ill health and refusing to see a doctor.

Those are reasons to be concerned. Simply being single and showing absolutely zero sign of unhappiness about that? That’s just a perfectly normal choice.

I posted this study earlier but I think an interesting stat in it is that 50% of men between 18 and 29 aren't even looking for casual dates / or relationships. They are just happily or unhappily single and not looking at all.

https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2023/02/08/for-valentines-day-5-facts-about-single-americans/

My 25 yo ds is in the same boat as yours. I know he wants a wife and children one day, so he is not entirely uninterested. We talked about it recently and he did say that still living at home with parents was probably stopping him from looking. Like your son, mine is saving for a deposit and I would anticipate he will be in a place of his own in a couple of years. I am sad that he seems to be missing out, but I reckon he still has plenty of time yet.

I think you are underestimating the awkwardness of dating whilst still living at home. Even the most liberal laid-back parents have a protective instinct that makes them over-invested in their child's choice of partner.

I'm mid-40s and I've also noticed that Gen Z, who live a lot of their lives online, have never really mastered the art of small talk. If I brought someone home while still living there, my mother would have expected 20 minutes of chat over a cup of tea before leaving us alone, any less would have been seen as impolite because we were in her house. We were all fine with that, it was understood. I think the younger generations find it more awkward.

Why does it matter? Why do people expect everyone to follow the same way.

It really is up to him.

'Preferably'? What is this? 1965?

Don't worry about it. He might not be telling you and wants to keep it private for now. I was the same that age. Just felt uncomfortable about my parents knowing about me being intimate.

Otherwise, be pleased that he is prioritizing his success first before he gets a woman. Decent w omen are more likely to find a responsible man who has got his life in order rather than a man is too quick to get a woman pregnant and not ready.

I think you need to read the whole post…

There was another thread on here about a woman a bit older than the OP's son. Her 'friends' had staged an intervention type chat saying they were concerned she would be left on the shelf etc even though she had a very full and good life. Most of the replies were saying how depressing it was that women can't be valued without being coupled up and how stupid it was. Yet look at some of the replies on here. Not being in a relationship or not actively looking for one is still seen as a taboo and like there is something wrong with the person. It's so depressing that in 2023, views like this STILL exist.