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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

26 year old son never seems to date

133 replies

JoDolce · 21/04/2023 19:18

I'm going to get flamed for this I know, but my 26 year old son never seems to date, I don't think he's ever had a date. He goes out with his mates, goes to the gym & park runs. He's a good looking lad & nice with it, maybe a bit shy.
He still lives with us for the simple reason he's saving for a deposit & doesn't want to rent. Pulls his weight around the house, so he's not an overgrown man chid still living at home.
I know it's none of my business but he's never had a girlfriend, never dates, never bought anyone back. Should I be worried about him in the future? He seems happy enough; but when the subject of young men still living at home with parents & never been in a relationship is brought up on mn a lot of women say its a red flag. He does want to move out & says he aims to be out in a couple of years. He'd never talk about why he doesn't date, & it's not my business anyway. I'd hate it if dating & relationships became more difficult as he gets older, if he ever does want to start. Is it really so much of a red flag these days?

OP posts:
ShowUs · 21/04/2023 21:24

but when the subject of young men still living at home with parents & never been in a relationship is brought up on mn a lot of women say its a red flag.

Anything that a man does on MN is a red flag to most of the posters 🤣

People are much younger these days and most of my friends who are early 30s are just now settling down and having children.

He sounds like he’s living his best life and he’s not stupid enough to be dragged down by a partner who isn’t right for him.

He has his entire life to get into a relationship and I’d be thankful that he’s making the most of his youth.
I worry that my DD is going to get into a relationship too early and not enjoy her life as a single person, so I’d be happy if this was my child.

ShowUs · 21/04/2023 21:28

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 21/04/2023 20:35

Not everyone is interested in dating in their twenties.

I met DH when he was 31 and he'd only had one serious relationship beforehand. He also lived at home until he was able to save enough for a deposit in his late twenties.

No red flags here. He spent his twenties hanging out with his mates, doing lots of sports and hanging out at the beach or down the pub. He's excellent with money, does is share round the house and, like me, values his alone time.

Exactly this.

You have raised someone who is secure and happy being single.
That’s incredible.

I’m sure when he’s ready he will get into a serious relationship and when he does he’ll be an amazing partner because he’s getting with them because he wants to, not just because he can’t cope with being on his own.

He sounds great.

ShodanLives · 21/04/2023 21:31

JoDolce · 21/04/2023 21:11

@Summerfun54321 yes to all of that, but he shuts it down straight away & gets cross if I persist. He has come to us when he was very unhappy about something so I think he must be happy in himself for now. He's about to take a new direction career wise & that is always at the forefront of his mind at the moment. Maybe I am stuck in the old days

If my mum kept badgering me on why I wasn't in a relationship I'd get annoyed too.

Invisibleeye · 21/04/2023 21:33

Leave him be. This could have been me. I’m now 32, engaged and have a baby. I would have got annoyed with my parents if they refused to drop the subject too. What they didn’t know was that I had had some flings at uni and just decided to shelve it for a few years as I genuinely wasn’t interested. You don’t know exactly what’s going on in his private life: he may be asexual, he may just want to wait until he’s moved out as he finds it awkward, he may be secretly sleeping with the every local woman/man on tinder. Regardless of the reason, it’s his reason. Let him tell you what he wants to tell you when he wants to tell you.

TheMarzipanDildo · 21/04/2023 21:33

I’m 23, I’ve never been in a relationship and am not sure that I will have been by 26.

Mainly I just can’t be arsed and I only really fancy people who aren’t interested in me.

Cas112 · 21/04/2023 21:34

Probably just doesn't tell you. Don't think I ever told my parents when I was going on a dateConfused

TheMarzipanDildo · 21/04/2023 21:35

Iamnotwhatyouthinkiam · 21/04/2023 20:36

Safe bet he's gay

No.

HighInfidelity · 21/04/2023 21:37

I never would have spoken to my mum about going on dates and would only have introduced somebody once it’s serious. I don’t think that’s particularly unusual. Lots of people are happy being single as well and there’s nothing wrong with that either. Unless he’s actually saying that he’s worried about not being able to meet potential partners then I wouldn’t be worrying on his behalf.

lunaloveroo · 21/04/2023 21:37

My brother is 37, very good looking guy (or so my friends all tell me!). He's had a girlfriend in the past but been single for about 6 years. He suffered really badly with his MH when he lived in another country. He lived with my parents until he was 34. He's home now, has 2 dogs, owns his house and works. His life is walking/ hiking with the dogs. He doesn't go to bars/ clubs etc nor would he use online dating. I couldn't care less if he gets into a relationship or not. As a family we're just happy he's happy. There were days when I thought he wouldn't be here and had numerous late night calls when he was suicidal.

I have 2 good friend who are 40 and haven't been in a relationship for 20 years and the other about 12. Both very successful in their careers. They're not actively dating. They are very happy. I don't think not getting into a relationship is a big deal. Live and let live.

Sarah2891 · 21/04/2023 21:41

Just let him be. it's not actually any of your business. As long as he's happy it's not a problem.

He might find someone eventually if he wants or he might want to be single forever, which is fine.

CAJIE · 21/04/2023 21:45

They are being unfair.Its hard to get a house these days and that red flag stuff is just cruel and a cliche..Leave him alone.Stop forcing societal rules on people.The cost of living is hard on all.

Alaimo · 21/04/2023 21:45

As others have said, let him be, especially if he seems content. Maybe he's gay. Maybe he's asexual. Maybe he's just not met anyone he likes. Maybe he has and just hasn't told you. As long as he's content it's nothing to worry about.

Catsmere · 21/04/2023 21:48

I’m 60 and never dated. Some of us just aren’t interested or never meet anyone they fancy. It happens.

ScreamingInfidelities · 21/04/2023 21:49

he shuts it down straight away & gets cross if I persist

maybe because it’s private and none of your business?

Ragwort · 21/04/2023 21:54

Does it matter? My DB, now in his mid 50s has only ever introduced us to two GFs - both short term - in his life ... (I appreciate he may have had other relationships but never spoke of them). He is happy, solvent, early retired (because no dependents Grin), living by the sea and one of the most content people I know with a wide circle of friends, hobbies and interests. Being 'coupled up' isn't for everyone. I envy him his lifestyle.

Original poster
JoDolce · 21/04/2023 22:21

@Ragwort no it doesn't matter if he's happy; but I do worry he'll miss out on things if his mates are with their gf & he's alone.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 21/04/2023 22:55

My son was like that. He had a lot of girlfriends when he was younger and then none for a few years. I always thought that the next girl he went out with would be the one he married and that's exactly what happened. He sounds lovely and I'm sure he'll get fixed up with somebody one day. He was very focused on his career at that point and has a lot of very good male friends, so I think there was less need for a girlfriend.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 21/04/2023 23:04

he shuts it down straight away & gets cross if I persist

Take a lesson from this. It’s you who’s panicking about him not being in a relationship, not him. Not everyone sees coupledom as the ultimate goal.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 21/04/2023 23:16

My lads are similar. One is career focussed, the other thinks relationships are far too much work and cramp your style. I live in hope a strong willed young woman will notice them- both great company and attractive, solvent etc- and decide to have a try!

So one of your sons has other priorities at the moment and the other has made it clear he isn’t interested in a relationship at all. Why are you still pushing it?

Original poster
JoDolce · 21/04/2023 23:21

@WomanStanleyWoman2 I never read it as pp is pushing it. I took it as she's secretly hoping that one day they meet someone who changes their outlook on relationships

OP posts:
HighInfidelity · 21/04/2023 23:24

JoDolce · 21/04/2023 23:21

@WomanStanleyWoman2 I never read it as pp is pushing it. I took it as she's secretly hoping that one day they meet someone who changes their outlook on relationships

Why is this? I’m a person that’s always been happier single than in relationships. If I knew somebody was secretly hoping I would change my mind about that I would find it pretty baffling. I’m happy so why would anybody want me to change my outlook? Do they think they know what I want better than I know myself? Do they want me to change to make them feel better in some way? Something else?

ItsCalledAConversation · 21/04/2023 23:26

RocketIceLollie · 21/04/2023 19:32

I suspect still living at home with mum and dad could be a factor. It's a bit of a turn off for a lot of woman. 26 is quite late to fly the nest.

This.

Whoiscomingtosaveyou · 21/04/2023 23:31

Why does not dating equate with gay?
Maybe some men want to consider carefully who they date rather than shagging around….

Joystir59 · 21/04/2023 23:33

BishyBarnyBee · 21/04/2023 19:30

Could he be gay but not want to tell you?

Why would being gay prevent him from dating or being in a relationship?

Joystir59 · 21/04/2023 23:34

Unless he senses his parents are homophobic

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