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AIBU?

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Original poster

26 year old son never seems to date

133 replies

JoDolce · 21/04/2023 19:18

I'm going to get flamed for this I know, but my 26 year old son never seems to date, I don't think he's ever had a date. He goes out with his mates, goes to the gym & park runs. He's a good looking lad & nice with it, maybe a bit shy.
He still lives with us for the simple reason he's saving for a deposit & doesn't want to rent. Pulls his weight around the house, so he's not an overgrown man chid still living at home.
I know it's none of my business but he's never had a girlfriend, never dates, never bought anyone back. Should I be worried about him in the future? He seems happy enough; but when the subject of young men still living at home with parents & never been in a relationship is brought up on mn a lot of women say its a red flag. He does want to move out & says he aims to be out in a couple of years. He'd never talk about why he doesn't date, & it's not my business anyway. I'd hate it if dating & relationships became more difficult as he gets older, if he ever does want to start. Is it really so much of a red flag these days?

OP posts:
HighInfidelity · 21/04/2023 23:34

Whoiscomingtosaveyou · 21/04/2023 23:31

Why does not dating equate with gay?
Maybe some men want to consider carefully who they date rather than shagging around….

Gay men are also capable of dating without shagging around.

TheLostNights · 21/04/2023 23:35

Who cares?
Relationships aren't the be all and end all. Maybe he's just not interested and wants to focus on other things? Leave him alone unless he comes to you you advice.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 21/04/2023 23:36

Joystir59 · 21/04/2023 23:33

Why would being gay prevent him from dating or being in a relationship?

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It wouldn’t prevent him from being in a relationship - but not being out would prevent him from telling his mother.

Octomingo · 21/04/2023 23:47

Both dh and I were very promiscuous before we met. Although i was quite a late starter at 16.
I married him at 26, which seems impossibly young now. I can see ds being like this though. He is objectively a v good looking lad (not relative or parent goggles), but is a little odd and has poor social skills. He may well be gay, but I'll wait for him to tell me that. Either way, if he never actually speaks to anyone, it's going to be hard to form relationships.

Whoiscomingtosaveyou · 21/04/2023 23:48

HighInfidelity · 21/04/2023 23:34

Gay men are also capable of dating without shagging around.

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Absolutely.
It’s just the inference that he’s not dating so he must be gay I find odd.
Maybe he just wants to carefully consider who he dates, be they male or female.
I just found it odd that people think no evidence of dating = gay

Parky04 · 21/04/2023 23:51

RocketIceLollie · 21/04/2023 19:32

I suspect still living at home with mum and dad could be a factor. It's a bit of a turn off for a lot of woman. 26 is quite late to fly the nest.

He obviously doesn't give a toss about this. My DS is 27 and only just moved out. He saved a substantial amount whilst living at home, and now he is in a position to get on to the property ladder. If he moved out when the mumsnet masses suggest, he would be renting all of his life!

SaltedCaramelIcedLatte · 21/04/2023 23:58

I wouldn't be worried about this...if and when your son wants to date he will!

Urgsleepmoresleep · 22/04/2023 00:05

I dated loads when younger and lived at home. Just didn’t tell my parents. Was very private that way. My DP is the first one in 15 years that met my parents. My parents live abroad so only introduced them when I felt right as it was a stay with us for a week rather than a short dinner

Anaemiafog · 22/04/2023 00:24

It’s really not that unusual in their generation. I’ve several nephews in their twenties who don't seem to date. One is closer to us than the others. He owns his own home but he goes to work, games, does his hobbies and very little else. It is noticeable they don't go out drinking and clubbing so maybe they aren't looking for opportunities when they aren't ready to settle down.
He comes to my house for a meal every week and I treat him like my own DC. DD is lesbian so he knows we're definitely not homophobic. He is an only child so no siblings, his parents are hundreds of miles away. I worry he's lonely but he says not.

Dreamegg · 22/04/2023 00:41

I never brought anyone home in my 20s. I was too embarrassed to, still am, and I'm now mid 30s and have a long term parter who I now live with. It's just awkward isn't it. Especially living at home in your 20s. My partner didn't have his first girlfriend until after he left home at 26, come to think of it.

Also dating doesn't work like it used to. It's all about the apps, meetups generally all happen on neutral ground.

Rustyhandlebars · 22/04/2023 00:52

If he isn't taking drugs or a criminal, don't worry.

greenel · 22/04/2023 01:24

Not dating is fine at 26. Living with your parents at 26 will not be unless he's lived away at some point and only recently returned- has he ever moved out? I get that saving for a house is important but he isn't learning true independence and resilience by having a safety net of mum and dad this long. He can do chores and pay his way but when you live with your parents, you automatically default to child mode. So if he's never lived with peers or a partner - he might struggle to adjust to life with a woman. My ex and his brothers lived with their mum till early 30s saving for a flat - they too did all the chores/paid rent but struggled with women as the art of compromise/adjusting to someone who treats you as an equal rather than their child - made the adjustment much harder. So make sure he moves out at 30 or he'll never leave.

As for dating he's probably waiting till he has his own place. He likely feels embarrassed at having to bring a girl or boy home to mum and dad for any intimacy - a bit of a mood killer!! And it means she'll always have to host him at her place which gets frustrating. Say this from experience.

HamBone · 22/04/2023 02:23

He’s pulled a couple of times that you’re aware of - I wouldn’t worry about it.

In all honesty, if my child got to 26 with no experience at all, I’d worry slightly, but they don’t need to be in serious relationships.

vamptable · 22/04/2023 02:34

I'm baffled as to why so many people think that just because OP isn't aware of her son dating, that means he isn't.

Im around your sons age and my family don't know the first thing about my dating life. If I told them, a million questions would follow.. so I just say I'm going out with 'friends'. As far as they know I'm not dating. In reality I go through phases of doing plenty. It also would annoy me if my parents brought it up as though I have to explain myself for not having a boyfriend, so I understand why he is somewhat snippy.

There's also a chance that he's not interested and that's fine! I find that attitudes are changing in my generations and younger. Lots of people just don't see 'marriage, 2.5 kids and a cockerpoo' as the golden ticket anymore. There are alternatives. Even those who do want to settle down are doing so later, so there isn't that same pressure anymore.

With kindness OP, if he's happy enough this is just not any of your business

ShippingNews · 22/04/2023 02:40

Don't worry ! My DS was exactly like this at that age - I had a deep and meaningful conversation with him, saying that no matter what his reasons were, I'd be fine with it. His answer , "You think I'm gay, don't you Mum ". We had a good laugh about it, and he told me that he was interested in women but didn't want to date since he was enjoying his life as it was. I left him alone, and about 2 years later he brought home a very nice girl for dinner. 10 years later they are married and just had their 3rd child. Everything works out in the end !

HamBone · 22/04/2023 02:47

Every family’s different. My DD is nearly 18 and comfortable sharing things with me so I’m aware that she and her friends date. I haven’t met her current bf (why should I), but I know he exists!

backstreetsbackallright · 22/04/2023 02:51

My sister is 45 and never had a boyfriend. She's not interested. My cousin is 36 and has had 2 girlfriends his whole life. Came to the conclusion he prefers to be alone.

Each to their own.

WithyouFromDuskTilDawn · 22/04/2023 02:57

He’s most likely seeing people, hooking up etc, just doesn’t tell you. Who could blame him, he probably knows you’re the sort that posts about his personal life online.

MysteryBelle · 22/04/2023 03:02

My curiosity would be such that I’d have to know why. I do think boys are just more private than girls when it comes to talking about personal stuff. Your son may have liked someone who didn’t reciprocate the feeling and so he is just carrying on quietly not knowing if he will meet someone else or not.

I’d say to him just to explain a bit to put my mind at ease so I don’t worry about him. Kind of in those words. Ask when it’s just you and him and you’ve had a nice moment of mother and son time. It works for me when I’m trying to figure out my teenage son’s moods 😀

Disco2023 · 22/04/2023 03:10

ItsCalledAConversation · 21/04/2023 23:26

This.

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It’s really not. I moved out at twenty. My partner lived at home til we met at 30 and then bought a house. Because of that we had a great deposit and smaller mortgage. No red flag. He hadn’t dated loads-even less to what his mum knew but has been a great partner.

My nephews are both at home as adults too. They are far too comfy. Many young people are priced out of renting/buying atm.

Cheekymaw · 22/04/2023 03:16

My oldest brother never dated ever dated and is very studious and clever. He went out with pals , did running, has a good career etc but was painfully shy. I did sometimes wonder if he was gay (wouldn't have bothered me or my siblings but my parents were quite old fashioned). Anyway, when he was 50, he met a vey similar brain box lovely woman , very like him and they have now been married ten years this year, very happy ! I think he was just very shy and fussy ! Might be that ?

HamBone · 22/04/2023 03:19

Surely most people in their 20’s at least want to have sex?! Perhaps we Gen X’s were a randy lot. 🤣

WithyouFromDuskTilDawn · 22/04/2023 03:26

HamBone · 22/04/2023 03:19

Surely most people in their 20’s at least want to have sex?! Perhaps we Gen X’s were a randy lot. 🤣

He’s on tinder. I’m sure he’s doing fine, just not telling mum.

TheRealist · 22/04/2023 03:33

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