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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I feel like I want to leave my DP at 25 weeks pregnant.

108 replies

Fielador · 21/04/2023 16:55

I've been with my DP for a few years, he has a DD from a previous relationship, I have a DS. They are both in primary school and are
similar ages. We are expecting our first baby together. Prior to the last few months our relationship has been brilliant.

It all started at the beginning of the year, when the mother of DSD decided she couldn't cope anymore and handed full-time responsibility of DSD to DP. DD's mother split up with her husband before Christmas and has 3 other children. I love my stepdaughter, but wasn't aware of how logistically difficult it would be. My DSD goes to school 40 minutes away, whilst my DS goes to school in the opposite direction. This has meant that I am having to leave to do the school run at 7am to get both children to school on time, it takes an hour and a half, so it is 3 hours of driving each day. DP cannot do the school run everyday as he has a demanding job, whilst I work part time. This would be crazy in normal circumstances, but I am doubly struggling being pregnant. To add to this, DSD goes to a prestigious private school. Her mother could afford it because she gets grants and bursaries, but we do not qualify, we can sort of afford the private school fees, but... it puts a massive financial strain on us and means we have to drastically change our lifestyle. We can't save, have days out, dinners, whilst paying the school fees. We will have to be budgeting and watching every penny which we haven't had to previously do. If there are any unexpected costs we won't be able to afford them. This also seems unfair on my DS, for the whole family to make such huge sacrifices so DSD can go to private school whilst he stays at state. My DP is currently digging his heels in and refusing to look at any state schools for her, he says she has had too much upheaval already (which is true), but I never agreed or signed up to any of this. I am feeling so stressed and like I just want to move out with my DS.

OP posts:
Velvian · 21/04/2023 19:50

I think options that are in your control are:

Move close to SD's school and move your DS to a school nearby

Separate into 2 households: DS and SD may prefer this and the baby would not know things any other way.

There are things that your DP could do, but he is not prepared to do them as it is not impacting him in the same way.

FrenchBoule · 21/04/2023 19:51

Good question @Snowpaw

Your not so „D” P is very selfish OP. Your sleep,rest,life and your DS is being sacrificed to accommodate his wants.
Something’s needs to change.

PollyPeptide · 21/04/2023 19:58

GoodChat · 21/04/2023 19:36

@PollyPeptide I guess you're in the fortunate position to not have been the forgotten middle child, then.

She'd make new friends at a new school and it'll mean as a family they have the opportunity to have experiences together.

Where's the benefit in her having friends a 90 minute round trip away who they can't afford for her to see on weekends or attend parties etc, when she could make new friends in the area they actually live in?

Youngest child. Moved half way through a school year. But fortunately my parents weren't divorced and my mum didn't kick me out so I did feel secure and well loved by both my parents who I lived with.

We're just repeating ourselves now. Neither of us are going to change or opinions. So we might as well let it lie. 🙂

GoodChat · 21/04/2023 20:00

Absolutely agree @PollyPeptide. I think it's really important for OP to have both points of view so she can make the best educated choice for her family Smile

Cantstandbullshitanymore · 21/04/2023 20:17

ChrisTrepidation · 21/04/2023 17:00

He is being completely unreasonable.

So your DS will have to live life on a budget so his DD can go to private school? Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

I also fail to believe his job is so demanding that it excludes him from any school runs!

He is taking the piss and I would feel the same as you in your position.

I agree he is taking the piss and has to find time for his daughter, but they are not living on a budget for her to go tot private school, she attends private school because her mother was able to get aid.

They should not be changing her school and losing the aid simply because she cannot afford to send her DS to private as well without sacrificing.

Murdoch1949 · 22/04/2023 17:25

Husband's life doesn't seem to have changed at all, except he's demonstrably more of a twat. SD needs to switch to state system at start of new school year, in September. This would make things easier for you and your son. You also need additional help at home, if husband can't then minimum a cleaner. You're going from one child to three children without much lead in. You've got a SD who will be emotionally fragile due to her mum's behaviour, then you'll have a new baby. Discuss it with husband, weigh up his response. If he's intransigent then maybe life as a single mum would be better.

Murdoch1949 · 22/04/2023 17:27

Apologies, partner not husband, got confused with SD's mum.

CecilyP · 22/04/2023 17:32

I am feeling so stressed and like I just want to move out with my DS.

Which of course, if you did, would make the logistics of getting to her impossible! You really can’t be expected to do the journey with a new baby. I would let her see out the term at her current school and look for something nearer for September.

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