Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel like I want to leave my DP at 25 weeks pregnant.

108 replies

Fielador · 21/04/2023 16:55

I've been with my DP for a few years, he has a DD from a previous relationship, I have a DS. They are both in primary school and are
similar ages. We are expecting our first baby together. Prior to the last few months our relationship has been brilliant.

It all started at the beginning of the year, when the mother of DSD decided she couldn't cope anymore and handed full-time responsibility of DSD to DP. DD's mother split up with her husband before Christmas and has 3 other children. I love my stepdaughter, but wasn't aware of how logistically difficult it would be. My DSD goes to school 40 minutes away, whilst my DS goes to school in the opposite direction. This has meant that I am having to leave to do the school run at 7am to get both children to school on time, it takes an hour and a half, so it is 3 hours of driving each day. DP cannot do the school run everyday as he has a demanding job, whilst I work part time. This would be crazy in normal circumstances, but I am doubly struggling being pregnant. To add to this, DSD goes to a prestigious private school. Her mother could afford it because she gets grants and bursaries, but we do not qualify, we can sort of afford the private school fees, but... it puts a massive financial strain on us and means we have to drastically change our lifestyle. We can't save, have days out, dinners, whilst paying the school fees. We will have to be budgeting and watching every penny which we haven't had to previously do. If there are any unexpected costs we won't be able to afford them. This also seems unfair on my DS, for the whole family to make such huge sacrifices so DSD can go to private school whilst he stays at state. My DP is currently digging his heels in and refusing to look at any state schools for her, he says she has had too much upheaval already (which is true), but I never agreed or signed up to any of this. I am feeling so stressed and like I just want to move out with my DS.

OP posts:
ChrisTrepidation · 21/04/2023 17:00

He is being completely unreasonable.

So your DS will have to live life on a budget so his DD can go to private school? Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

I also fail to believe his job is so demanding that it excludes him from any school runs!

He is taking the piss and I would feel the same as you in your position.

amiold · 21/04/2023 17:00

I'd tell him she moved schools for the benefit of the family or you leave. He is unreasonable.

Abergale · 21/04/2023 17:00

I understand why your dp is reluctant to give her more upheaval but this should have ended with you refusing to do a 1.5 hour school run. He can’t do it because his job is to big and important and you can’t do it because you have to do a different school run. She either joins your sons school or he finds some other mug to do his childcare.

Socialdistancechampion · 21/04/2023 17:05

The family needs to operate as a unit. If she is now part of your unit she fits in with what works for you. At primary school she can move to your DS' school and be unscathed by it. For the sake of your emotional well-being and for your relationship she needs to be pulled out that school or live back with her mother.

dietcokelime · 21/04/2023 17:07

That amount of upheaval must be hard for your DSD, but she also must be exhausted with all of this commuting to school and dealing with everything going on. It would probably be hard, but I think it would be for the greater good long term for DSD to move to the local school.

Your DH can't make these sort of decisions unilaterally for the family unit if he's not able to pull his weight in the practical aspects like school runs.

Yousee · 21/04/2023 17:08

Absolutely no way this shit would fly in my house.
If your DP was personally having to scrape by and sacrifice in order to pay the fees but was still able to contribute to the household and your shared child fairly, I'd say it's his right to sort his own child's schooling and you sort yours.
However, it's selfishness on an Olympic level to expect you and your DS to bear the brunt of this for exactly zero benefit to you. I think my disgust would sink the relationship to be honest.

Aerosarethebest · 21/04/2023 17:15

Is this a permanent thing? Or is DSD likely to go back to living at least 50% of the time with her mum at some point?
Also what age is she? If it’s a question of one more year and then you can move her for secondary school then that’s a different level of financial commitment to if she’s only yr 1.
Are you wanting to go back to work at some point in the near future? After Maternity Leave with this child for example?
Long term, this 2 schools requiring 3 hours of driving a day thing is unworkable. Short term it might turn out to be unworkable too if you end up on bed rest or baby comes a few weeks early or you get SPD or something. And in any case you can’t possibly do three hours in a car daily with a tiny newborn either. The plan for September needs looking at.

Beetrootlover82 · 21/04/2023 17:18

I don’t blame you

how long have you been with him?

MontblancTheSecond · 21/04/2023 17:19

Why doesn’t the mother of you DSD pay (partly) for the private school anymore?

Beetrootlover82 · 21/04/2023 17:19

How old is the dsd and how old is your son?

Original poster
Fielador · 21/04/2023 17:22

@MontblancTheSecond She is point blank refusing any financial contribution.

OP posts:
WilkinsonM · 21/04/2023 17:23

Does she have zero contact with her mum? If she spends any time there then it's shared care and I'm not sure why her mum's financial situation shouldn't remain relevant to the school fees!
Bottom line though this is untenable. DP needs to sort out the school run for his DD in the short term, and she needs to move to a local school in September.

Replitad · 21/04/2023 17:24

I would leave. This is selfishness on a whole new level.

asndeorno · 21/04/2023 17:24

He is completely unreasonable.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 21/04/2023 17:24

I feel for your dsd as she has had a huge amount of upheaval already but it is absolutely unreasonable of your dp to insist that she stays there whilst also demanding that you school run. That’s without mentioning the impact and unfairness on
your other dc.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 21/04/2023 17:25

Fielador · 21/04/2023 17:22

@MontblancTheSecond She is point blank refusing any financial contribution.

Even CMS?

SparklyShoesandTutus · 21/04/2023 17:28

It sounds like ultimatum time. You need to sit down with DP and tell him that the school needs to change or you will leave.
I appreciate that DSD has had a lot of upheaval but what you describe isn't sustainable in the long term. He must realise this. If you don't do this the resentment will just grow and there will be more upheaval down the road.

Socialdistancechampion · 21/04/2023 17:28

Fielador · 21/04/2023 17:22

@MontblancTheSecond She is point blank refusing any financial contribution.

Go to the CMS she has a legal obligation to pay maintenance

Original poster
Fielador · 21/04/2023 17:28

@SchoolQuestionnaire She's on benefits. She could previously afford it through DP's maintenance and her husbands input.

OP posts:
Socialdistancechampion · 21/04/2023 17:29

Then the child gets pulled out of school.

She owes you £7 a week if she's unemployed and on UC

ChickenDhansak82 · 21/04/2023 17:31

You can't send one child to a private school and not the other.

And it is ridiculous for your OH to think that it's OK just to keep paying for a private school when you can hardly afford it.

Kids adjust. She can go to the same school as your DS. If thats not good enough then I'd walk out.

TomatoSandwiches · 21/04/2023 17:33

I would leave, he can then struggle along to pay private school fees and CMS to you for this current baby.
I also wouldn't taking DSD to school, that's his job.

ZeroWorshipHere · 21/04/2023 17:34

It’s absolutely ridiculous for him to expect you to do all that driving. Are you going to be doing it with a newborn? If the only way to afford DSDs private school is for the rest of you to live on a shoestring then she will have to move to your DS school. You can’t afford to send her there.

gogohmm · 21/04/2023 17:35

The children need to be in a similar area for school, end of. It's a dealbreaker for me

FourBoysAndAFeline · 21/04/2023 17:37

Yeah, fuck that.

He's letting you take all the flack.
Imagine when the baby is here.

Save your sanity, and your children's. It's not fair on anyone.