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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I feel like I want to leave my DP at 25 weeks pregnant.

108 replies

Fielador · 21/04/2023 16:55

I've been with my DP for a few years, he has a DD from a previous relationship, I have a DS. They are both in primary school and are
similar ages. We are expecting our first baby together. Prior to the last few months our relationship has been brilliant.

It all started at the beginning of the year, when the mother of DSD decided she couldn't cope anymore and handed full-time responsibility of DSD to DP. DD's mother split up with her husband before Christmas and has 3 other children. I love my stepdaughter, but wasn't aware of how logistically difficult it would be. My DSD goes to school 40 minutes away, whilst my DS goes to school in the opposite direction. This has meant that I am having to leave to do the school run at 7am to get both children to school on time, it takes an hour and a half, so it is 3 hours of driving each day. DP cannot do the school run everyday as he has a demanding job, whilst I work part time. This would be crazy in normal circumstances, but I am doubly struggling being pregnant. To add to this, DSD goes to a prestigious private school. Her mother could afford it because she gets grants and bursaries, but we do not qualify, we can sort of afford the private school fees, but... it puts a massive financial strain on us and means we have to drastically change our lifestyle. We can't save, have days out, dinners, whilst paying the school fees. We will have to be budgeting and watching every penny which we haven't had to previously do. If there are any unexpected costs we won't be able to afford them. This also seems unfair on my DS, for the whole family to make such huge sacrifices so DSD can go to private school whilst he stays at state. My DP is currently digging his heels in and refusing to look at any state schools for her, he says she has had too much upheaval already (which is true), but I never agreed or signed up to any of this. I am feeling so stressed and like I just want to move out with my DS.

OP posts:

Beetrootlover82 · 21/04/2023 18:08

PollyPeptide · 21/04/2023 18:05

The sons home routine and school aren't changing. The daughter's not responsible for the baby and shouldn't have her life changed because of it. And yet she's expected to be the one to suck up all the changes.

Show quote history

Oh no doubt she gets it worse. No doubt at all.

but let’s be honest - none of these children are going to have a particularly idyllic childhood are they

dcadmamagain · 21/04/2023 18:08

. “He is prioritising his biological child over yours and expecting you to do the same”

this sentence sums it up and shows the complete injustice and unfairness of it. What is his response to it?

and that’s before your 3 hour driving a day whilst pregnant

Original poster

Fielador · 21/04/2023 18:09

@diddl No, not all of the children are his. He refused to pay from the day he left, which coincided with DSD coming to live with us and her mother giving us responsibility for everything.

OP posts:

dcadmamagain · 21/04/2023 18:10

Also you need to look at how much notice you need to give private school as you may well find yourself liable for autumn terms fees already….

GabriellaMontez · 21/04/2023 18:14

Fielador · 21/04/2023 18:07

@PollyPeptide Actually it is impacting my DS. He's having to wake up an hour earlier every day and be in the car for an hour and a half to accommodate this.

Please start to prioritise your son and look after him properly. Sorry, but this is disgusting.

Xrays · 21/04/2023 18:17

Nope this is absolute madness (and I say that as someone in a blended family).

Is your child together going to go to private school as well?! It’s all of them or none of them. He doesn’t get to pick and choose - including your own Ds. All children are equal.

The easiest and most obvious solution is the child goes to state school and that’s that. I do feel really sorry for the child though- two lots of upheaval, moving homes and schools but sometimes unfortunately these things just happen.

PollyPeptide · 21/04/2023 18:18

Actually it is impacting my DS. He's having to wake up an hour earlier every day and be in the car for an hour and a half to accommodate this.

But he's not been kicked out of his home and being taken away from his friends. She, on the other hand, is catching it just about every way.

GoodChat · 21/04/2023 18:22

PollyPeptide · 21/04/2023 18:18

Actually it is impacting my DS. He's having to wake up an hour earlier every day and be in the car for an hour and a half to accommodate this.

But he's not been kicked out of his home and being taken away from his friends. She, on the other hand, is catching it just about every way.

No but he's losing out on all his days out and childhood experiences, plus probably sleep, so his step sister can go to a private school and he's also got a new baby sibling on the way. He's the only one who won't be prioritised here.

GoodChat · 21/04/2023 18:23

Presumably he's also expecting you to carry on doing this school run after you've had sleepless nights with a newborn. That's going to be downright dangerous, and a baby under 6 weeks shouldn't be in a car seat for more than 30 minutes.

AnneElliott · 21/04/2023 18:27

I agree with everyone else. This isn't sustainable and your H needs to take over the school run. She is his child and big job or not he needs to take responsibility for his own daughter!

Curseofthenation · 21/04/2023 18:31

She needs to be taken out of the school. You can't afford to send her and the commute sounds ridiculous. Just refuse to take DSD after a reasonable deadline (perhaps until the end of the academic year?). DH can pay the fees and get to school if it is such a priority. He can also explain to DS why his dad hasn't funded a private education for him.

It's understable that DSD needs stability, but not at the price of your family.

qazxc · 21/04/2023 18:31

Yes it would mean more upheaval for DSD that has been through a lot, but it's unavoidable, the current situation isn't tenable and will only get worse as time goes on.

Funfamilytimes · 21/04/2023 18:34

If the mother isn’t contributing towards school fees and your husband can’t afford schooling for them solely then they need to move somewhere more affordable. You can also get a private taxi for the school drop off for one of them so you’re driving half the distance. It’ll probably be a tiny bit more expensive but I think for your own mental health it’s worth it.
As difficult as it is at the moment, I wouldn’t sack off the relationship. It’s just tricky at the moment but it seems there are lots of things that can be put in place to make your lives easier.
Good luck with it and stand your ground. You aren’t a personal taxi but a taxi company can be!

Parisj · 21/04/2023 18:34

Well things have to change. Decide your red lines (do you love your partner? What will co-parenting your new baby together look like in the scenario that you separate?) Then state what you want, and stick to your red lines. Its horrible that you are all in this situation, at this time, but it does appear to be your dp who has let it get to this.

Itsanotherhreatday · 21/04/2023 18:36

Well there’s no money to pay for it. Why should OP and her son suffer? The only person not being effected by chafe is OPs DH!! Yet he’s the one responsible.

ExtraOnions · 21/04/2023 18:37

I am a little confused … in the first post you said her fees were covered by grants and a bursary, and in later posts said that fees were covered by the step-dad.

Don’t the grants and bursary’s run for the school year ? Maybe you could talk to whoever distributes this money and see what the situation is.

GoodChat · 21/04/2023 18:38

ExtraOnions · 21/04/2023 18:37

I am a little confused … in the first post you said her fees were covered by grants and a bursary, and in later posts said that fees were covered by the step-dad.

Don’t the grants and bursary’s run for the school year ? Maybe you could talk to whoever distributes this money and see what the situation is.

The mom got grants and bursaries and the rest was paid by the step dad.
The OP and her partner aren't entitled to the grants and bursaries because of differing circumstances.

Freefall212 · 21/04/2023 18:39

AnneElliott · 21/04/2023 18:27

I agree with everyone else. This isn't sustainable and your H needs to take over the school run. She is his child and big job or not he needs to take responsibility for his own daughter!

This could really backfire. Since OP only works part time, it is likely that she hasn't taken full responsiblity for her son and her DH is financially subsidizing her son's housing, food, and various expenses. It is possible OP is paying 50% of all expenses and her DH doesn't ever do anything for the son or spend any money on him but given she is part time, it is unlikely. The idea that each parent is fully responsible for their child and shouldn't do anything for the child that isn't theirs doesn't really work out that great in practice in a blended family.

Strangedarkcloud · 21/04/2023 18:41

I'm curious as to how your husband would manage if you did leave. He would then have sole responsibility for everything to do with his daughter. I'm pretty sure that once he saw how untenable it was he'd be suddenly looking at local schools and wrap around care.

DDivaStar · 21/04/2023 18:42

How on earth does your dh think you'll manage this 1.5hr drop off with a new baby?

Its not practically or financially sustainable. Id say no more private school from September, she needs to move to your ds's school.

Nothingisblackandwhite · 21/04/2023 18:42

What year is she on ? Personally I think keeping her in private school looks impossible in the long run and unfair to everyone , so it’s easier for her if she starts going to the same school as her step brother ?
For sure your partner can see how unfair this is to you and the other child ( future children )

whitebreadjamsandwich · 21/04/2023 18:42

This all sounds like madness

It is unsustainable now, and completely undoable once baby arrives.

His dd needs to move schools otherwise

A) he does all the school runs

B) he pays for your ds to go to the private school

If you have to treat his daughter as yours and do all the grunt work, then the reverse applies to your son

None of this 7am starts/driving around will be much fun for your dsd either

Sapphire387 · 21/04/2023 18:43

I feel for all of you. Not an easy situation.

I would look at letting DSD finish the school year and then having her move school in September. The current situation is not sustainable and while I feel for DSD, she is now a full-time member of your family group and things need to work as well as possible for all involved. You cannot prioritise one child above another.

Elfandwellbeing · 21/04/2023 18:43

You are ignoring your trump card. Refuse to drive dsc to school. There is no way, I mean no chance I would do this. She changes school or she facilitates her transport. He is being selfish, because his job is sooooo demanding !! Jeez give me a break, so both parent’s absolve their parental responsibility for their child and expect someone unrelated to pick up the slack to the detriment of their child and opinions on the issue.

polkaday · 21/04/2023 18:44

But is it your DP that would be funding her private education with his high paid job? Or are you funding it too. If the former not sure you can say how he is to spend his money. Is there not a school bus that she could get?

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