I feel like I want to leave my DP at 25 weeks pregnant.

[Fielador]

I've been with my DP for a few years, he has a DD from a previous relationship, I have a DS. They are both in primary school and are
similar ages. We are expecting our first baby together. Prior to the last few months our relationship has been brilliant.

It all started at the beginning of the year, when the mother of DSD decided she couldn't cope anymore and handed full-time responsibility of DSD to DP. DD's mother split up with her husband before Christmas and has 3 other children. I love my stepdaughter, but wasn't aware of how logistically difficult it would be. My DSD goes to school 40 minutes away, whilst my DS goes to school in the opposite direction. This has meant that I am having to leave to do the school run at 7am to get both children to school on time, it takes an hour and a half, so it is 3 hours of driving each day. DP cannot do the school run everyday as he has a demanding job, whilst I work part time. This would be crazy in normal circumstances, but I am doubly struggling being pregnant. To add to this, DSD goes to a prestigious private school. Her mother could afford it because she gets grants and bursaries, but we do not qualify, we can sort of afford the private school fees, but... it puts a massive financial strain on us and means we have to drastically change our lifestyle. We can't save, have days out, dinners, whilst paying the school fees. We will have to be budgeting and watching every penny which we haven't had to previously do. If there are any unexpected costs we won't be able to afford them. This also seems unfair on my DS, for the whole family to make such huge sacrifices so DSD can go to private school whilst he stays at state. My DP is currently digging his heels in and refusing to look at any state schools for her, he says she has had too much upheaval already (which is true), but I never agreed or signed up to any of this. I am feeling so stressed and like I just want to move out with my DS.

I think with most Private Schools you have to give a full terms notice.

I think you need to check if this is the case and if so, sit DO and tell him that from Christmas she will need to be in a new school and the time to start looking and preparing her for the change us now.

Honestly I’d leave. You’d probably be better off. Go full time, ds stays in his school, once baby is born claim maintenance from then would be ex.

There is no way ever that a whole house should suffer penny pinching for one child to be in private school. The math don’t math. That’s without the fact that both of these children are now stuffing this crazy run one.

I’m guessing as you're working part time, your OH is the main bread winner for you and your DC. In those circumstances, it doesn’t seem unreasonable that you do the school run. But is there no school bus she could take some days to help with the school run?

Have you spoken to your DSD’s school regarding help with fees? If she previously qualified for a bursary when living with her DM, they might be able to offer some help to keep her at the school.

How old is your DSD, can you keep her at the school for primary and move her to state for secondary. It seems that she has had a huge amount of upheaval and it would be best to keep her at her current school if at all possible.

This!! Just refuse to drive her there anymore and make one of her parents sort it out. Prioritise your son, OP.

Absolutely nuts OP.

There is no way this routine or financial situation is sustainable.

Start with not doing the DSD school run. Refuse to do it as it's impactful to your DS AND there is no way you can do it with a new born.

He starts doing it now or he changes her school. It's his choice. Make it his problem.

I think your dp is being extremely unreasonable.

I just couldn't have this - the impact on you, your son and in time the baby is just too much. His dd needs to join your ds' school from next term. Absolute deal breaker for me.

Leave him then. I guess you'll have to get a full time job so you can be solely financially responsible for your son, where you live, food, bills etc? Obvs receive child maintenance for the new baby.

Poor dsd has had lots of changes, with her dad becoming main carer and not living with her other siblings. However if DP wants her continue at this school then he needs to work out how to do the school run himself or pays for a dbs checked taxi to take her to and from school.

Sorry this is hard OP. I think you need to sit your DP down and tell him straight. You are 25 weeks pregnant. You will not be able to do over an hour and a half driving later in pregnancy. When baby arrives you may not be able to drive for several weeks if you need a C- section, and baby can't be in the car seat for more than 20 mins at a time so he has 3 choices:

1. he steps up and does ALL school runs himself. And he will be doing so for over a year.
2. he moves DSD to a nearby school before baby is born.
3. he arranges and pays for alternative transport You will no longer be facilitating driving her to private school, its up to him to sort out.

It is absolutely impossible to do that school run with a newborn baby. Also what if you have a C-section? You physically can't drive for what, 6 weeks?

Get out while you can, no way should you have to be driving hours a day to do his kid’s school run and scrimping to pay her school fees!! I would focus on your DS and new baby. He will soon realize when he has to pick up all the slack.

I don't get that. He's not been made to leave his home and he gets consistency with friends and schooling. The daughter has been kicked out of her home with her mum and is now being kicked out of her school and will lose all her friends. She must wonder what she's done wrong. And having gone through that instability, a new baby comes along which will be the centre of attention. I don't understand how the son is suffering more than that.

Does the private school not offer transport? All the private schools round here have buses running through nearby towns and villages. It wouldn’t go to your home but might cut the journey a bit.
They may also offer a fee reduction if you say you’ll have to pull DD out otherwise. (Have you floated the possibility with DSD that she might have to leave the school? How would she feel about it? I do think given how her life has been turned completely upside down she deserves a bit of a softer touch right now.)

Beyond those ideas, the current situation is completely unsustainable.

This isn't logistically possible. Surely your DH can see this? Is this definitely a long term situation with the mother?

Can you get signed off work for a couple of weeks for stress including the driving? Helps you make your point and would also force your DP to sort out his daughter's commute.

No to the school run. No to paying towards private school. No to him thinking and acting like he’s your boss.

Better to move and make new local friends and have one well balanced life instead of all this exhausting schlepping about every day. It's not like she will be able to look forward to fun stuff at the weekend or holidays either if her Dad's household have already spent everything on her school fees. The current situation is crap all round.

Your poor children! DSD being pushed out because her mother can't cope, (can I ask, are the 3 other children staying with her mother, or have they left with the husband)? Then your poor DS having to adapt to losing at least 50% of the attention which he's been used to receiving, along with having to get up early and put up with that long car journey each day, before he even reaches school. Then on top of that, you being pregnant and being expected to just jump to it to do your husband's bidding, with absolutely no support from him whatsoever!! I think that this situation is likely to go from bad to worse, if your DSD is made to move school, which seems inevitable, as she's going to resent yet another major change in her life, and is doubtless already struggling with the loss of her mother, so is highly likely to become a VERY difficult child. Then with all this going on, you will be bringing a new baby into the mix. I think quite honestly, you would have to be a saint to cope with all this, and actually remain married to this selfish human being who calls himself your husband, OP! In your shoes, I think I would be very tempted to pack up and leave now, as you need peace and rest before delivering your baby, not stress, stress and more stress. I realise that this will be far from easy for you to do, particularly being so far along in your pregnancy, but do you have parents or family that you could perhaps stay with until the baby has arrived, and you can sort yourself out?

On another note, I believe a PP asked if DSD has grandparents who could step up and help with the school run for the time being, which I don't think you responded to? Alternatively, perhaps your own parents could run your DS to school, while you take DSD, if they are local?

Whatever happens, I think you need to sit down with your H over the weekend and lay down the law, as he is asking for the earth from you and your son (& baby) and doesn't appear to be putting much into this situation himself.

Good luck!

What is your DP's masterplan for when your new baby is actually here?

Will you still be expected to do the 3 hours of schoolruns with a tiny baby?

@PollyPeptide I guess you're in the fortunate position to not have been the forgotten middle child, then.

She'd make new friends at a new school and it'll mean as a family they have the opportunity to have experiences together.

Where's the benefit in her having friends a 90 minute round trip away who they can't afford for her to see on weekends or attend parties etc, when she could make new friends in the area they actually live in?

I’m not very clear. You say that you cannot afford the grant SD’s mum gets to have her in school. Does that mean you can’t afford it for your son or for SD. I ask because it would make sense for SD’s mum to continue to apply for the grants while SD stays at the school and things continuing as normal.

Now, if you’re referring to the ‘what ifs’ around having your son in the same school, he would have to go without grants which will put a dent on your finances.

I agree that your DP has to pull his weight and do the school run with SD however, think it’s extremely selfish to ask for SD to be pulled from her school just because (I’m assuming she’s still getting the grants from her mum). Both SDs parents have done what they think is best for her. Does your son’s father not contribute?

And how many years will it affect Op's son?

Is likely that she will go back to her mum at some point?

Yanbu, not sustainable emotionally, physically or financially.

Absolutely not.
He expects you to treat DSD as your own, enough to completely upend your schedule and drive 3 HOURS a day!!! But he doesn’t consider your DS his enough to align the educations they are receiving.

He is having and cake and eating it, it’s completely unfair and he’s taking you for a mug. I would be going on strike as of tomorrow and telling him clearly tonight
‘I am no longer responsible for getting her to that school or paying the bills for it. My son is not receiving equality and I’m being treated like a nanny and maid. If you insist on carrying on this way it will be without me in your life!’

OP is her mom having any contact with her?