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AIBU?

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Original poster

I feel like I want to leave my DP at 25 weeks pregnant.

108 replies

Fielador · 21/04/2023 16:55

I've been with my DP for a few years, he has a DD from a previous relationship, I have a DS. They are both in primary school and are
similar ages. We are expecting our first baby together. Prior to the last few months our relationship has been brilliant.

It all started at the beginning of the year, when the mother of DSD decided she couldn't cope anymore and handed full-time responsibility of DSD to DP. DD's mother split up with her husband before Christmas and has 3 other children. I love my stepdaughter, but wasn't aware of how logistically difficult it would be. My DSD goes to school 40 minutes away, whilst my DS goes to school in the opposite direction. This has meant that I am having to leave to do the school run at 7am to get both children to school on time, it takes an hour and a half, so it is 3 hours of driving each day. DP cannot do the school run everyday as he has a demanding job, whilst I work part time. This would be crazy in normal circumstances, but I am doubly struggling being pregnant. To add to this, DSD goes to a prestigious private school. Her mother could afford it because she gets grants and bursaries, but we do not qualify, we can sort of afford the private school fees, but... it puts a massive financial strain on us and means we have to drastically change our lifestyle. We can't save, have days out, dinners, whilst paying the school fees. We will have to be budgeting and watching every penny which we haven't had to previously do. If there are any unexpected costs we won't be able to afford them. This also seems unfair on my DS, for the whole family to make such huge sacrifices so DSD can go to private school whilst he stays at state. My DP is currently digging his heels in and refusing to look at any state schools for her, he says she has had too much upheaval already (which is true), but I never agreed or signed up to any of this. I am feeling so stressed and like I just want to move out with my DS.

OP posts:
itwasntmetho · 21/04/2023 17:40

You can't make him pull her out, he can't make you drive her there.
He needs to rearrange his mornings to get her to school and arrange the after school activities if there are any so she is picked up when he finishes. 40 minutes away is ridiculous, how are you even paying for the fuel?

Blossomed · 21/04/2023 17:40

This is too much and ridiculously unfair. Sounds incredibly stressful, which in Itself really isn’t good for you or your unborn baby. It sounds like it would be better for your DSD to go to school with her Step Brother and make local friends too. I don’t know how you get two kids out of the house at that time daily - wow!

wuell · 21/04/2023 17:42

Unless I've read that wrong, DS isn't his child. He is prioritising his biological child over yours and expecting you to do the same. No way in hell would I ever do that to my DC. Your DS will resent this massively when he grows up. I feel for you and your situation, you didn't ask or sign up for this and you're pregnant on top, but maybe move out for a few weeks with your DS (possible to stay at parents?) That way you can get clarity and perspective (and a bit of a lie in by the sounds of it) and he can sort his DD out. Not only that, but what does he expect you'll do when you have a newborn? Has he said he expects you to still do this insane commute for his DD?

PollyPeptide · 21/04/2023 17:43

I feel sorry for his daughter. Her parents split up, she gets kicked out of living with her mum and now everyone says she should be kicked out of her school and away from her friends.
What a shit time she's having.

GoodChat · 21/04/2023 17:45

Your children are all (both his, yours and the unborn baby) sacrificing decent childhoods for the cost of his DD's school fees.

Even if you didn't have DS, how is he expecting his unborn child to sacrifice a fun childhood so their sister can have a private education the baby won't have?

Beetrootlover82 · 21/04/2023 17:45

So DP not paying her maintenance any more and that is how she afforded the fees along with her current husbands Input

so not surprising she can’t afford to contribute

Beetrootlover82 · 21/04/2023 17:46

PollyPeptide · 21/04/2023 17:43

I feel sorry for his daughter. Her parents split up, she gets kicked out of living with her mum and now everyone says she should be kicked out of her school and away from her friends.
What a shit time she's having.

I feel profoundly sorry for both the children and the unborn child

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 21/04/2023 17:47

The OP doesn't have the time or money to keep DSD in private school.

Yes, it's sad that DSD has more upheaval but this would be the last time. And living in a loving home with an equal footing to her Step brother offers the stability she needs.

Putting her in a private school that the OP can't afford and all the upheaval of getting her to/back from the private school just creates resentment within the home.

Miscellaneousme · 21/04/2023 17:48

I think you need to sit down and explain that you can’t continue with this ridiculous routine and that the situation is so untenable that you’ve considered leaving. Give him the choice to sort it out or he will be left to deal with it all and then he definitely won’t be affording those school fees.

Any reasonable child will also understand the need to move schools for financial reasons. You’ll be on maternity leave for a while presumably and that should make it easier to settle DSD into the same school as your DS in September and give you all some balance.

At the moment your DP is allowing his ex to have full control while she contributes absolutely nothing! He needs to at least do the school run for his own child.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 21/04/2023 17:51

This is unsustainable if she is to stay with you both long term
You won't be able to do the current school run with a newborn
It's all very well your DP wanting DSD's life not to change but he can't expect your financial situation and budget to dwindle just because he's putting his DD first
I don't think he has considered the effect of her living with you all( plus newborn) on your family at all
I think I would discuss this in simple terms the effects of you as a family not just his DD
Ideally things need to change in 15 weeks as you are 25/40
YANBU to want to leave at all

GabriellaMontez · 21/04/2023 17:51

You slave and penny pinch so dsd can go to private school?

Stop now.

Don't do the journey.

Rebalance EVERYTHING.

Or leave.

I see you're not married. What is your living arrangement?

Darkstar4855 · 21/04/2023 17:53

I’m all for dads stepping up but if he is the full time parent for his daughter and can’t afford the private school fees then the only way is to pull her out. It’s not fair to expect her step sibling and half sibling to suffer and I’m guessing they will both be state educated.

Theemptychairismyshadow · 21/04/2023 17:59

No wonder your stressed. Prioritise your children. He is not doing this! What is the housing situation can you leave? Or is it your place?

Hellno45 · 21/04/2023 17:59

Your partner is being totally unreasonable. DSD needs to move schools because it isn't financially viable for her to continue to attend private school nor is it sustainable to do that journey long-term. If he wants her to goto that school he can commit to taking her and bringing her back. He can't say it's not up for discussion but expect you to do all the work. I think it would be reasonable to do it until school ends in the summer if you physically can.

Freefall212 · 21/04/2023 18:00

I think it makes sense to let her finish the term. She has had too much change in a short amount of time to say she has to move to your DS's school. You are only working part time despite being 50% of the family so it makes sense you are picking up other responsibitilies like the school runs as your contribution while your DH works. It isn't sustainable in the long run and not once the baby is here but the year is almost over and it makes sense for the sake of the child's well-being to let her finish the term at her school. If she has grants and scholarships, some of those should carry over. Your DH should also talk to the school about the situation and see if there is any financial aid to get through this term.

Livinghappy · 21/04/2023 18:02

Is the situation with her mum likely to be permanent? This needs to be confirmed and finalised because the mum may change her mind. I imagine she is struggling to cope due to her marriage breakdown.

I would wait a while to decide about school BUT your dp needs to step up and take on at least one school drop off. Will he compromise with you on this?

However you are vulnerable - having a baby and not married so does that mean you might make less waves? Where did you live before moving in with your Dp?

Justalittlebitduckling · 21/04/2023 18:02

Just say you’re not doing the private school drop off and pick up anymore and see where it goes from there.

GoodChat · 21/04/2023 18:03

Beetrootlover82 · 21/04/2023 17:45

So DP not paying her maintenance any more and that is how she afforded the fees along with her current husbands Input

so not surprising she can’t afford to contribute

No, shes separated from her husband who previously paid the school fees while she didn't work.

Presumably he was decent enough to treat all 4 children equally, even though one wasn't his, unlike OP's OH.

Freefall212 · 21/04/2023 18:04

GabriellaMontez · 21/04/2023 17:51

You slave and penny pinch so dsd can go to private school?

Stop now.

Don't do the journey.

Rebalance EVERYTHING.

Or leave.

I see you're not married. What is your living arrangement?

If OP does that and her DH in turns stops doing anything or contributing anything financial towards her son and expects payment back for any money spent to support her son over the past years, it isn't likely anyone will be better off.

Seems you think each parent should be 100% responsible for all parenting and finances for their individual child. That will likely mean changes for everyone, considering OP only works part time.

PollyPeptide · 21/04/2023 18:05

Beetrootlover82 · 21/04/2023 17:46

I feel profoundly sorry for both the children and the unborn child

Show quote history

The sons home routine and school aren't changing. The daughter's not responsible for the baby and shouldn't have her life changed because of it. And yet she's expected to be the one to suck up all the changes.

diddl · 21/04/2023 18:05

He wants her in the school he takes her there surely?

ShowUs · 21/04/2023 18:05

I can’t see how moving out is going to make your life easier as it means you becoming a single parent and getting a FT job.

I would focus on the school run for now.

Is there anyone else who can help like DSD grandparents on either side?

DH is going to have to find a way to get her to school or take your child to school whilst you take DSD.

junebirthdaygirl · 21/04/2023 18:06

Freefall212 · 21/04/2023 18:00

I think it makes sense to let her finish the term. She has had too much change in a short amount of time to say she has to move to your DS's school. You are only working part time despite being 50% of the family so it makes sense you are picking up other responsibitilies like the school runs as your contribution while your DH works. It isn't sustainable in the long run and not once the baby is here but the year is almost over and it makes sense for the sake of the child's well-being to let her finish the term at her school. If she has grants and scholarships, some of those should carry over. Your DH should also talk to the school about the situation and see if there is any financial aid to get through this term.

This
It's not a good time to change school but from September she needs to go to the same school as your ds. She will be well settled in with you all by then. Dh needs to accept this and life all round: practically and financially will be better.

Original poster
Fielador · 21/04/2023 18:07

@PollyPeptide Actually it is impacting my DS. He's having to wake up an hour earlier every day and be in the car for an hour and a half to accommodate this.

OP posts:
diddl · 21/04/2023 18:07

I wonder how much longer her step father will pay for?

Are the other three kids his?