Page 6 | To take newborn to large family gathering

Ginnyfromtheblock · 2023-04-20T23:31:57+00:00

Tomorrow is my grandfather's 90th birthday celebration. I'm a FTM and I have a 4 week old newborn. It will be at my parents house and there's going to be about 30 people and then guests coming in and out all weekend. I am supposed to stay the weekend. AIBU to have doubts about going/ staying the weekend? Just nervous about baby being passed around lots and people touching her face and kissing her I've already been accused of being too cautious/anxious.

Original poster

Ginnyfromtheblock · 25/04/2023 00:00

Update: I went for the weekend and regretted it. I outlined my boundaries and they were respected, however, I was constantly on edge and nervous. We have a 60th coming up next week and I'll be sitting it out. I've learned my lesson. I found the whole thing stressful. And also didn't get an opportunity to nap and rest and now maybe because of it and my nerves my milk supply is low. I feel so bad, like I didn't put my baby first.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ginnyfromtheblock · 25/04/2023 00:00

Also thank you to those who were kind and gentle and made me feel like my feelings were valid.

OP posts:

SemperIdem · 25/04/2023 00:03

I took my 4 week old to a birthday gathering, it was fine, people fussed as much as I allowed and I had a good time.

Granted it wasn’t a family gathering, so people didn’t have an innate sense of entitlement around touching my baby and asked before doing so.

SkyandSurf · 25/04/2023 00:04

I skipped a family party when I had a newborn for this reason.

The stress alone isn't worth it.

I didn't want my baby passed around like a joint a Woodstock.

Some people probably thought I was being silly, but I don't care.

Everyone is different. Do what is right for you.

Welcome to parenting, you'll have a million opinions flying at you from all directions on everything. You just have to do what's right for you and ignore them.

SemperIdem · 25/04/2023 00:25

Ginnyfromtheblock · 25/04/2023 00:00

Update: I went for the weekend and regretted it. I outlined my boundaries and they were respected, however, I was constantly on edge and nervous. We have a 60th coming up next week and I'll be sitting it out. I've learned my lesson. I found the whole thing stressful. And also didn't get an opportunity to nap and rest and now maybe because of it and my nerves my milk supply is low. I feel so bad, like I didn't put my baby first.

Milk supply highs and lows with baby’s needs - you didn’t do anything wrong. Clusterfeeding is totally normal and not a reflection of you going to a family event.

Your baby will be doing absolutely brilliantly- is very clearly your no.1 priority

FangedFrisbee · 25/04/2023 00:27

Ginnyfromtheblock · 25/04/2023 00:00

Update: I went for the weekend and regretted it. I outlined my boundaries and they were respected, however, I was constantly on edge and nervous. We have a 60th coming up next week and I'll be sitting it out. I've learned my lesson. I found the whole thing stressful. And also didn't get an opportunity to nap and rest and now maybe because of it and my nerves my milk supply is low. I feel so bad, like I didn't put my baby first.

Did you honestly expect to have a nap at a family gathering?

FangedFrisbee · 25/04/2023 00:31

Tiamaria86 · 21/04/2023 20:25

Only on mumsnet do I see things like this being an issue. Most people I know just crack on

So true. In real life people just get on with it. Stay in, don't stay in, no one cares about your baby apart from you.

SemperIdem · 25/04/2023 00:34

FangedFrisbee · 25/04/2023 00:27

Did you honestly expect to have a nap at a family gathering?

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The op is clearly feeling vulnerable , there is no need to be spiteful and supercilious.

Why is it ridiculous that she might be looked after at a family gathering, after recently giving birth?

SemperIdem · 25/04/2023 00:35

FangedFrisbee · 25/04/2023 00:31

So true. In real life people just get on with it. Stay in, don't stay in, no one cares about your baby apart from you.

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Yes they crack on…and then post on Mumsnet about how unhappy it made them.

Because women do just need to put up and shut up, right? 🥴

FangedFrisbee · 25/04/2023 00:38

@SemperIdem oh come on! Who goes for a nap during a party?

SemperIdem · 25/04/2023 00:45

FangedFrisbee · 25/04/2023 00:38

@SemperIdem oh come on! Who goes for a nap during a party?

an exhausted mother of a newborn, maybe?

magma32 · 25/04/2023 01:03

Listen to your gut and ignore people who says you’re ‘too’ cautious and anxious etc whatever that means. Maternal instincts are there for a reason so don’t let anyone undermine your feelings. In my culture women are looked after for 40days, they should ideally avoid gatherings both for protection of mum (needs to recover and establish feeding) and baby’s immune system to develop. Of course it’s not practical for many of us nowadays living away from close knit ‘village’ to look after us but it’s okay to say no or limit peopling and parties until you feel happy about it. And if it’s family there is no reason why they should not be expected to look after a postnatal mothers, party or not. A mother’s wishes trump everyone else’s unless putting baby at risk and her mental health usually suffers because her choices are not being respected and she feels threatened in some way because of the careless actions/comments from others. Learn to say no if you’re not comfortable. Don’t worry if someone says you’re being ‘too’ this or that. You and baby are number 1 here so follow your instincts.

emptythelitterbox · 25/04/2023 01:24

It's ok OP. I understand you wanting to try going to meet an obligation to someone else.

It's good you're not going to the next event. You and your baby come first. Enjoy your new bub.

EssexMamisoa · 25/04/2023 01:58

Ginnyfromtheblock · 25/04/2023 00:00

Update: I went for the weekend and regretted it. I outlined my boundaries and they were respected, however, I was constantly on edge and nervous. We have a 60th coming up next week and I'll be sitting it out. I've learned my lesson. I found the whole thing stressful. And also didn't get an opportunity to nap and rest and now maybe because of it and my nerves my milk supply is low. I feel so bad, like I didn't put my baby first.

Gosh can’t believe the sassy comments.

Well done you for deciding the next family event won’t work for you and baby.

Breastfeeding works on supply and demand. A newborn baby sucking or wanting to be on your boob for hours is usually normal. It’s them establishing your supply not usually a sign a low supply. I spent Xmas day with my six week newborn on my boob all day. It was a party killer. Best of luck op xxx

piesforever · 25/04/2023 06:19

Go for a short time only, the sling idea is good! Babies are a great excuse not to stay long!

piesforever · 25/04/2023 06:21

And yes the 40 day thing is true in many cultures, new mum is cared for by family so she can relax, look after baby, establish feeding and not do anything else.

MissTrip82 · 25/04/2023 07:11

Oh I’m sorry it wasn’t great. Please don’t feel like you didn’t prioritize your baby! You took good care of your baby.

I think it’s fine to be guided by how you feel about events like this with a new baby. I was cautious, especially as I know many adults are slack about updating their vaccinations. I knew logically that the sick children I’d looked after in PICU were an anomaly and that most kids never even get admitted to hospital let alone PICU, but I was kind enough to myself to not force it if I felt really uncomfortable.

Sugargliderwombat · 25/04/2023 08:02

FangedFrisbee · 25/04/2023 00:31

So true. In real life people just get on with it. Stay in, don't stay in, no one cares about your baby apart from you.

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You're a treat aren't you 🤣

summerpoolandsun · 25/04/2023 08:17

Ginnyfromtheblock · 25/04/2023 00:00

Update: I went for the weekend and regretted it. I outlined my boundaries and they were respected, however, I was constantly on edge and nervous. We have a 60th coming up next week and I'll be sitting it out. I've learned my lesson. I found the whole thing stressful. And also didn't get an opportunity to nap and rest and now maybe because of it and my nerves my milk supply is low. I feel so bad, like I didn't put my baby first.

Sorry to hear it stressed you out OP. We have a family gathering when baby will be 4-6 week and I’m not looking forward to it. Didn’t want one till second vaccinations…I don’t care if I’m being overprotective. I really don’t want my newborn getting sick

DappledThings · 25/04/2023 09:31

Ginnyfromtheblock · 25/04/2023 00:00

Update: I went for the weekend and regretted it. I outlined my boundaries and they were respected, however, I was constantly on edge and nervous. We have a 60th coming up next week and I'll be sitting it out. I've learned my lesson. I found the whole thing stressful. And also didn't get an opportunity to nap and rest and now maybe because of it and my nerves my milk supply is low. I feel so bad, like I didn't put my baby first.

What makes you think your supply is low? Your breasts will start to feel less full now anyway as your supply regulates and your baby may want to be feeding a lot to help get it regulated. Doesn't mean there's anything wrong. A bit of anxiousness about being around extended family won't have affected it.

Foxglovers · 25/04/2023 13:59

Ginnyfromtheblock · 25/04/2023 00:00

Update: I went for the weekend and regretted it. I outlined my boundaries and they were respected, however, I was constantly on edge and nervous. We have a 60th coming up next week and I'll be sitting it out. I've learned my lesson. I found the whole thing stressful. And also didn't get an opportunity to nap and rest and now maybe because of it and my nerves my milk supply is low. I feel so bad, like I didn't put my baby first.

@Ginnyfromtheblock
im sorry sorry it was like that for you.
re your milk supply - I remember thinking this but in reality it had just settled a bit and stopped feeling so intense/full. They gradually stop getting hard and engorged so most likely just heading that way?

Nordicrain · 25/04/2023 14:03

I wouldn't have considered this an issue at at all with either of mine.

londonrach · 25/04/2023 14:03

Life continues my dsi bought dn aged 2 days to family wedding...she had space to disappear and it worked. Four weeks isn't newborn newborn and you at your parents house so can slip away. If your DC was one of many children she be on school run and going to their various activities. Do what you feel is right. Your grandfather 90th is pretty special family get together x

Ellie43 · 25/04/2023 14:08

SemperIdem · 25/04/2023 00:34

The op is clearly feeling vulnerable , there is no need to be spiteful and supercilious.

Why is it ridiculous that she might be looked after at a family gathering, after recently giving birth?

Show quote history

When I went to a family gathering with my newborn my family did pass baby around and gave me a break! It doesn’t always work out like that. I was lucky. And I was fine with it. But there are times when I have felt pressured into doing things, sometimes on the basis I would be supported and it does always work out.
I don’t think anyone should feel like they have to do something if they are not ready. And everyone is different and ready for different things at different times.
because I know my family are so obsessed with helping out with newborns it did make these things easier for me. But every family/situation/baby is differenT

PennyPencils · 25/04/2023 14:14

I had a tough time with similar things with this baby, including loosing milk supply when very tired or stressed.
Even though it's my 2nd baby, I got incredibly anxious about her catching something and people who want to kiss and touch do it so quickly it's hard to get in and block it and somehow made me feel rude so I was nervous and didn't go out much for ages.

Go at your own pace. I'm glad I did and couldn't care less about saying no now if I don't want to do something.

The viruses that are dangerous are real and so easy to pass on to a precious little baby. Doesn't hurt to wait until their a little bigger before exposing them to the slobbering grannies.