To take newborn to large family gathering

[Ginnyfromtheblock]

Tomorrow is my grandfather's 90th birthday celebration. I'm a FTM and I have a 4 week old newborn. It will be at my parents house and there's going to be about 30 people and then guests coming in and out all weekend. I am supposed to stay the weekend. AIBU to have doubts about going/ staying the weekend?

Just nervous about baby being passed around lots and people touching her face and kissing her I've already been accused of being too cautious/anxious.

I’d definitely go, but just briefly- you don’t have to stay there. If it’s too far to drive home again then find somewhere else to stay.

A 4 day old I wouldn’t but at 4 weeks we were out and about at all sorts of places and meeting people. I didn’t pass my baby about like a parcel though, you don’t have to let anyone hold them-stand your ground. My DD was EBF so I’d just latch them on if I wanted to keep them close.

Thank you very much. We need to cherish our elderly relatives and take every opportunity to see them. Especially at birthdays - let's be honest at 90 he doesn't have many left.

Sorry for your loss but that’s a bit emotional-blackmaily

I think it's really important for babies to be loved and cherished by as many people as possible, especially when those people will always be around e.g. family. Being able to meet the baby when it is very young is hugely valuable in building these kinds of relationships, IMO.

That is much more important to me than some theoretical risk of illness. I think we can be too risk averse and they could pick up a virus anywhere. I would not let fear of illness rule my life (unless of course baby has some kind of medical condition that makes it necessary.)

I do understand that it does happen and it's not a zero risk, I just think the benefits are worth it in this case. Four weeks is generally when they say that the baby is out of the really vulnerable newborn period. (I'd probably be more cautious about travelling in the first 2-3 weeks because I'd still be recovering from birth and the baby not wanting to be in a car seat for too long at that age.)

Totally up to you. I took my 2 day old to meet her great grandparents and extended family (large gathering). Everyone had a cuddle it was lovely. Just ask people not to kiss your child if that is your preference.

I took my newborn to a massive funeral and he was passed around. Just be sure to say no kisses (they'll understand) and it'll be fine.

DS had a great time seeing lots of new faces!

It’s pretty factual as the certainty of life goes sadly !

Absolutely. I'd rather state the facts that have someone regret not spending time with their beloved grandparent. Better introduce a baby to the family at a happy 90th birthday than the grandparent's funeral.
My cousins didn't spend nearly enough time with my gran, they always assumed there would be 'other occasions). There may be, but most likely, there won't be. They now have to make peace with that. Don't put yourself in that position of regret.

We had a small gathering at home when my DD was Nb.

She got RSV from one of the children. Ended up in ICU in respiratory failure. With a further month in HDU on oxygen, nebs and intense physio. She was then confined to home for another 3 months.

So I have changed my mind on socialising with newborns.

Completely agree. It’s very easy to take steps to distance yourself if you wish to but it would be sad to lose the chance to celebrate a wonderful occasion, and while of course our children are no 1 concern, equally the feelings of a 90yo close relative are relevant.

i wouldn’t risk making a newborn ill to see somebody who has already lived for 90 years! Maybe I just have a different way of seeing it, but my grandparents would’ve understood. I would have visited a month or two later with gifts and cake.

Yep if somebody wants to risk this so a newborn can attend their 90th birthday then they’re very selfish.

Go and enjoy showing your little cutie off. Just keep baby with you in a carrier so others look from a distance if you’re really worried. Definitely ask for people not to kiss baby though.

The problem is it’s awkward asking people not to kiss the baby or stick fingers in it’s mouth (I had relatives do both). They act like you’re being OTT and precious, and a few of them will ‘forget’ and do it anyway.

DH’s sister and family came to stay with family a couple of miles away when DS was 1 week old, we were invited over for dinner so they could all meet him. When I turned up the first thing SIL said was ‘awww how cute; I won’t hold him as we’ve all got horrible chest infections’ WHAT!!!! I said in that case I couldn’t come in - not holding him meant little if we were to be sat in a small room with everyone coughing away.

They clearly thought i was a complete bitch and I didn’t get another invitation before they left but 🤷🏼‍♀️ If they thought i was going to take the risk of my 1 week old catching a chest infection so they can have ‘their cuddles’ then I’m more than happy for them to think of me as such!

I wouldn't! And if I did go I'd have baby in a sling on me the whole time.

I absolutely hate this expectation on women to 'pass' their newborn around.

Don’t feel pressured! You do what feels right for you. I had a winter baby and was aware of the risks and my OH said we didn’t want people kissing the baby and next thing his extended family were telling everyone I must have PND as I was overly worried 🙄
anyway at 8 weeks we took him to a gala ball and he is 3 now and lives in dirt so I am not overly precious but there is a real risk in the first few weeks, I would do the same if I had another.

Babies are a lot more robust than we give them credit for. I think it’s really important that they get use to other people not just Mummy. I’ve seen friends be really clingy with their children and then they can never have a night off as children won’t go to anyone else. My 3 year old was sadly born in Covid times but was passed around a lot the month before lockdown and after. She will now ask to sleep over at grandparents and cheerily wave goodbye to us. I think it’s great.
Also might you not offend your family by acting like you don’t trust them?
Treat it as a nice semi-rest with lots of extra helping hands.
I can see your point on the kissing. Maybe drop in that you’ve read a story about babies getting herpes from kissing. They then may choose not to x

Take the baby but don’t pass him or her around.

Pop them in a sling and keep them there and people can look but not touch. Go when you feel like you’ve had enough.

Personally I don’t think new borns should be passed around. They are not toys.

@Coffeeandbourbons it's not emotional blackmail to state a fact. Would OP feel guilty if she chose not to attend and her grandparent didn't make 91? Of course she would.

I didn’t go to my grandads 90th last year as had a two week old and had a c section. It was assumed by family that I wasn’t going which was good as took the pressure off.

I did see family at Xmas when dc was 6 weeks and baby was passed round a bit, but luckily I had one of those babies that was only really content with her mum so she came back to me pretty rapidly

You are mum so do what is right for you and baby. Don’t let others pressure you xxx

The cold sore virus can be passed on even if the person doesn’t have a cold sore. People should never kiss anyone else’s baby

You don't have to do anything you don't want.

For me, I'm team - no reason to take unnecessary risks. Once they turn 6months old, can take ibuprofen, calpol, are able to cough better, and get antibiotics at home and most run of the mill viral infections can be dealt with at home then yeah that's different but until then - when any infection that results in a fever is a hospital visit - I'm with you, it's just a pointless risk to satisfy other people and is absolutely not in your best interest or the babies.

Some people don't mind and that's fine for them. Live and let live. But it's always those people who start throwing out the 'you're too controlling/possessive' insults. It annoys me.

Please just do what makes you feel comfortable. I didn't like to pass mine round either. It's utter bollocks that babies should be passed around to stop them being clingy, etc. stay at home and enjoy your baby and maybe arrange a visit just your little family to see your grandparent.

Only on mumsnet do I see things like this being an issue. Most people I know just crack on

Do whatever makes you feel most comfortable.
For what it’s worth I don’t think you’re being over cautious, you’re just trying to make a call on what’s right for you and your baby.
When my daughter was a similar age we went to a family event with my husbands side of the family. My mother in law offered to hold our baby whilst me and my husband quickly had our dinner. I didn’t realise but she’d taken it upon herself to pass the baby around to anyone who wanted a cuddle like a pass the parcel and there was a moment of panic where I didn’t know where she was.
We had older relatives kissing her and putting their fingers in her mouth (apparently she was teething 🤨). I naively thought everyone knew about washing hands, not kissing babies etc. it never would have crossed my mind to have put my fingers in random baby’s mouth. My point is some families at big events go all mushy over babies and everyone wants to have a hold, and some are the total opposite. It can be really awkward to say ‘no’ to family, especially if you’re not a confrontational person. It drives me mad the way that people judge women and new mothers in this way, you really can’t do right for doing wrong sometimes.
You’ll be best placed to judge what it’s likely to be like at the party, trust your instincts.

As a compromise, there are some great suggestions here regarding wearing a sling and perhaps staying for a couple of hours or so and then either going home or staying somewhere else nearby. I think in hindsight looking back on the experience I had, I would have worn my daughter in a sling and maybe just shown my face for a couple of hours.

You are only 1 month post partum, you’re still recovering yourself and the newborn phase is tough. Worries about bugs aside, I think it’d be perfectly reasonable to say you’re very tired and still not feeling 100% yourself, or that the baby is fussy / colicky etc, if you don’t feel like inviting comments on whether you’re being over cautious or not. It’s your baby, you do what feels right!

Finally, it’s a big event, although I’m sure it’ll be lovely, it’s unlikely you’re going to get lots of one on one time with your grandfather. Missing out one day doesn’t erase all the lovely memories that came before. Don’t feel bad if you decide not to go, or only stay a little while, there’s no reason why you couldn’t come and visit with the baby another day shortly after.