To take newborn to large family gathering

[Ginnyfromtheblock]

Tomorrow is my grandfather's 90th birthday celebration. I'm a FTM and I have a 4 week old newborn. It will be at my parents house and there's going to be about 30 people and then guests coming in and out all weekend. I am supposed to stay the weekend. AIBU to have doubts about going/ staying the weekend?

Just nervous about baby being passed around lots and people touching her face and kissing her I've already been accused of being too cautious/anxious.

When the ONS prevalence survey was scrapped last month, 1 in 40 people in England had an active covid infection. YANBU to be worried about your tiny new baby being passed around. I agree with everything @YearoftheRabbit23 said!

How far away is the party? If it’s an option to pop in, maybe do that with baby in a sling? As @GoodChat said, at 90 you don’t know how many more birthdays they may have?

in your shoes I would maybe visit the day before the party so you can spend time together, and without it being so “peopley”.

you can bet there’ll be one person at the party with “just a cold” and more people poorly after. Many people don’t consider the impact their cold may have on very old or very young more vulnerable family members, basically because they don’t want to miss out on social events.

Pop baby into a carrier and also, let your DH carry him. I found that dads were less accused of hogging the baby than mums by well meaning relatives.

If baby is in good health I'd take him.

I had to go to a big family gathering when my little one was 4 weeks old. She cried the whole time, I ended up breastfeeding most of the time. It was awful. Can you go but just for an hour or two?

I am supposed to stay the weekend.

How far away do you live from your mum? I’d be happy to go to a do, but sleeping in my own bed with a baby is so much easier so I’d go home.

I was always very firm on being out and about and not overly precious with my newborns.

First was at a big family dinner at about 5 days old, never had any issues (but a summer born baby).

2nd picked up a virus and ended up with viral meningitis and encephalitis and a long hospital stay with potentially life long consequences.

Its pretty safe to say I've moved into the "can't be too safe" and "please don't touch the baby/no visitors" camp

@moonspiral Both were said. I'm not going to search for them. And it's hovering in the background of many other posts.

When it comes down to it, it should be about the mother. Many women are up for anything 4 weeks post partum. Many are not. The baby will be fine. Babies belong in families and most thrive on cuddles. If you decided what to do based on a few outlying awful experiences, you'd never do anything. But it depends on the mother being well enough to go and whether she wants to go.

Do you have to stay for the full weekend??
I'm not a fan of staying over with lots of people and I like my own space.

If not I would go for a few hours and then say your tired and go. I would also say to people that babies get sore if they are passed around. Sling and pram is best for you and baby.

I went to a family event for a few hours went baby was 2 weeks old and it was hot and baby was left as I didn't want her overheated.

other than me, my new baby would only settle with someone else a couple minutes. So of course it is tiring.
we went to a family gathering when baby was 3 weeks. It actually wasn’t planned that way but I went to my parents in another city and overtone just kept Turning up lol.
anyway there were so many people to pass around baby that baby was fine without me for a much longer time (as long as being passed very often lol). That was the biggest break I got so far lol.
my LO is too aware for that now.

do what you feel comfortable though. Soemtimes I feel pressured be others to do what they are ok with.

my babies first cold was from me around 8 weeks and we hadn’t seen anyone around that time!

We took our new babies everywhere. Carry cot got covered by a pile of coats at a party, people at an antique fair nearly fainted when they looked in the pram to see a 10 day old baby. That said, baby doesn’t have to be passed round and if you are staying you will presumably have a bedroom to retreat to. I don’t believe in passing children round - I don’t want to be kissed and cuddled by all my relatives/ friends and neither do they.

We took our new babies everywhere. Carry cot got covered by a pile of coats at a party, people at an antique fair nearly fainted when they looked in the pram to see a 10 day old baby. That said, baby doesn’t have to be passed round and if you are staying you will presumably have a bedroom to retreat to. I don’t believe in passing children round - I don’t want to be kissed and cuddled by all my relatives/ friends and neither do they.

people want to see, hold and touch the baby, let them.

Why should she if she feels uncomfortable about it? Some people are more risk averse than others.

@Coffeaddict actually there's a plausible theory that the increase in Strep A is because so many people have had covid at least once, which is now recognised to do at least short term damage to your immune system (over 8 months at least).

The lockdown argument is a red herring. Sweden didn't shut down schools and they have had a very bad winter of respiratory illnesses too. And we definitely can't blame lockdown for the immunity of kids born after 2021! Our immune systems don't need 'training', they cope fine without infection (note I am not talking about exposure to dirt, which is a different issue), and as noted above, infection with viruses can leave the immune system worse off.

There's a big difference between catching a respiratory illness when you're 6 months plus and catching it at 4 weeks. There is interesting data from Denmark that shows that the cohort that caught RSV a year later than usual (because they were in lockdown the previous year) caught it in greater numbers but with less severe cases, likely because the kids were older.

OP is right to be considering the risks and to mitigate them how she can.

I would just go for a visit or 2. A full weekend could be too full on at this stage. Do you know when specific people are coming to avoid the really ott ones.

I completely get your concerns but locking yourself away isn't healthy, family meeting your new baby should be about precious memories.

Not sure how close you are to your GF, but I lost my beloved 91 yo gran 2 weeks ago. Cherish every last second you have with your grandad. It’s his special birthday and he has done brilliantly just getting to that age! Go to the party.

I am sure the baby will be fine there. But you are very early post partum and you should do whatever you feel most comfortable with. I'm sure anyone would understand if you went for a few hours and didn't want to stay. Don't put yourself through unnecessary stress!

I'm sorry to hear about your lovely Gran

I was at baby groups with 30 odd snotty toddlers plus their parent 5 days after birth It would never have occurred to me not to go to my grandparents 90th birthday. Realistically how many more do you think he’ll have? I would go. If you feel overwhelmed take the baby and go hide in a bedroom for a bit saying you’re feeding. I’m sure you’ll have a lovely time and baby will come to zero harm

OOOMG 😨Poor baby.

I took four week old DS to my best friend's wedding last year - I was a bridesmaid so couldn't really avoid it! He had lots of cuddles from my friends but also slept for most of the day; the only difficulty was having to basically get undressed in the disabled toilet to feed him, which wasn't ideal 😂

I wouldn’t. Or I would keep the baby in a sling. Babies immune systems don’t mature until 6 weeks old and yours isn’t quite there yet. It’s unlikely (but possible) they could catch something nasty like flu or neonatal herpes (particularly if people are kissing them or sticking fingers in their mouths 🤮) but even just a cold can be pretty hellish - sleep is already scarce at 4 weeks, a baby with a cold on top of that is absolute hell.

I find relatives (particularly older ones) to be really selfish about getting ‘their’ cuddles and ‘their’ photo with the baby at any price.

When visiting a newborn I wait to be asked if I want a cuddle, then I wash my hands, hold them for five minutes and hand them back, sooner if they cry. No kisses or breathing in their faces. Newborns aren’t really that interesting so a quick cuddle should satisfy any curiosity.

God how awful. This is the thing, it’s fine until it’s not fine then you kick yourself. Babies are much better at fighting viruses at 6 weeks than 2 weeks. It isn’t long to wait in the scheme of things, I wish relatives would be less selfish.

I took DS1 to a big family get together when he was about 3 weeks old. He was indeed passed around and given lots of cuddles by my relatives. He slept the whole time, I got to drink hot tea and relax for a few hours, it was great!

This alone would be a massive no from me! I wouldn't be going anywhere with a 4 week old personally. Do what's comfortable for you and hold your boundaries if you do go