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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take newborn to large family gathering

150 replies

Ginnyfromtheblock · 21/04/2023 00:31

Tomorrow is my grandfather's 90th birthday celebration. I'm a FTM and I have a 4 week old newborn. It will be at my parents house and there's going to be about 30 people and then guests coming in and out all weekend. I am supposed to stay the weekend. AIBU to have doubts about going/ staying the weekend?

Just nervous about baby being passed around lots and people touching her face and kissing her I've already been accused of being too cautious/anxious.

OP posts:
RichPetunia · 21/04/2023 05:59

Take her to the gathering. If people want to see, hold and touch the baby, let them. It's because they are delighted with the new addition. Be happy and relax!

smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 21/04/2023 06:07

Just be firm and say no when people ask to hold baby "sorry shes settled so please dont pick her up" "of course you can touch her once youve washed your hands" "Dont kiss her"

People can be as persistent as they like and not understand why you arent willing to pass your baby around but thats not your problem, you have a whole lifetime of people judging and having an opinion on your parenting start being firm and not caring what they say/think now. I never minded mine being passed around but i insisted people washed their hands first and no kissing faces or hands, and i also had a one chance rule so their are some relatives who got to hold my first once and never again and never held baby 2 or 3 because they thought i was being over the top and they knew better.

Ask your parents to be back up so they can step in if necessary and if people really arent listening then leave and be honest about why "we are leaving early because people arent respecting the boundaries weve set"

Hidingawaytoday · 21/04/2023 06:19

My MIL did something similar when DD was a newborn for her bday.... of course I went with DD. I also took her to a family funeral at 2m. I don't know anyone who wouldn't have done either... this is one of those weird mumsnet things where people confidently state things that just aren't real life. It's your grandfather's 90th - possibly his last big birthday - enjoy showing off his ggdc!

GoodChat · 21/04/2023 06:25

I think a sling is a good idea. Tell people she's sleeping.

I wouldn't not go. 90 is a huge milestone and you don't know how many more celebrations you're going to get with them.

Sleepyandconfused · 21/04/2023 06:27

No offence (I was like this too with my first baby) but people are WAY less interested in your newborn than you are. I went to a family party recently with a newborn baby, did the obligatory cooing and then headed for the buffet and wine which is what I was really there for 😂 People will probably say hi to the baby but a lot of them will probably be doing it out of politeness rather than a genuine craving to spend a party not chatting with their family and friends but looking at a baby? Really don’t worry about it.

Goodread1 · 21/04/2023 06:28

Hi Op
A sling is beneficial and comforting and reassuring for you and your baby...

moonspiral · 21/04/2023 06:29

Ginnyfromtheblock · 21/04/2023 00:53

This crowd is really quite persistent and full of women who have been giving me all sorts of unsolicited advice and wanted to change baby's nappy/hold the baby/thinking not kissing is over the top etc

You must stand firm then. Would saying something like not until they've had their jabs?

It's so tough isn't it. I had mine in covid times and people were still wanting to be all kissy.

moonspiral · 21/04/2023 06:31

Would you be up to going for say an hour then leaving? Or tbh if you'd rather not take little one then don't. You've only recently had a baby no one should blame you for taking things easy.

Goodread1 · 21/04/2023 06:34

I think idea of just staying with your grandfather for a while and then leaving after a hour or so,
That's better nothing.

Iwantmyoldnameback · 21/04/2023 06:34

My first baby was born 5 weeks before Christmas so he did plenty of socialising and was a very healthy baby who became a very healthy child (Mind you we didn't live in a sterile environment either, my friend did and her children all suffered with asthma).
Personally I think people are far too precious these days - as someone else said if it was a second or subsequent born it would be out and about after about 2 weeks.

Poppins2016 · 21/04/2023 06:38

I would go. I took my first baby to a wedding at 4 weeks old and my second baby to a funeral at 6 weeks old.

Take a sling with you just in case, as PPs suggested.

liveforsummer · 21/04/2023 06:39

Hopefully people will be mindful to not go if they are feeling unwell given that the gathering is for a 90 year old. It wouldn't have crossed my mind not to take any of my dc to such a gathering though.

SleepingTilSummer · 21/04/2023 06:40

Don’t be pressured into it. If you’re not comfortable, that’s ok. Your baby is only 4 weeks old, many parents would go, many wouldn’t with a baby so young.

With the group being like you describe, personally I would have avoided. You’ll be worried the whole time and leave feeling pissed off at them ignoring you and giving you their unwanted advice.

You’re mum, you get to decide. 💐

Remmy123 · 21/04/2023 06:41

I took newborn to family events they sleep so much and baby will be in pram most of the time- baby wasnt passed around

CurlewKate · 21/04/2023 06:43

All these "older" people "slobbering" over the baby. How very dare they.

moonspiral · 21/04/2023 06:44

CurlewKate · 21/04/2023 06:43

All these "older" people "slobbering" over the baby. How very dare they.

Who said that? I can't see anyone saying that.

SleepingTilSummer · 21/04/2023 06:48

And just to say to those who seem to be trying to make you appear OTT, my kids as very young babies didn’t get passed around to anyone other than close friends and family, in small groups. Both are healthy teens, no asthma, or whatever else people will try to tell you that you will cause by not doing this at only a few weeks old. 🙄

shakeitoffsis · 21/04/2023 06:49

Go to the event.
Keep the baby with you or partner.
Enjoy yourselves.

ShandaLear · 21/04/2023 06:49

Most People will be interested in your baby for 2 minutes max. If you have a room just waft through the party now and again. The rest of the time you can be resting/feeding/recovering from a disturbed night. I don’t think I would want to miss a special birthday like that.

liveforsummer · 21/04/2023 06:53

SleepingTilSummer · 21/04/2023 06:48

And just to say to those who seem to be trying to make you appear OTT, my kids as very young babies didn’t get passed around to anyone other than close friends and family, in small groups. Both are healthy teens, no asthma, or whatever else people will try to tell you that you will cause by not doing this at only a few weeks old. 🙄

Similarly mine are totally healthy, I don't remember when either last went to the dr - for dd 1, now a teen, an ear infection from being in the swimming pool daily on holiday at nursery age iirc. Dd2 several years ago following a burn on her arm and these are dc who were born abroad in a country where whole family gatherings are frequent and staff in shops will grab your baby as you walk in the door let alone all the extended family members who are obsessed with babies and children so I don't think your evidence proves anything

LBFseBrom · 21/04/2023 06:53

Ginnyfromtheblock · 21/04/2023 00:53

This crowd is really quite persistent and full of women who have been giving me all sorts of unsolicited advice and wanted to change baby's nappy/hold the baby/thinking not kissing is over the top etc

Oh no that is really frightening plus what other posters have said about their new born babies catching horrible illnesses and ending up in hospital makes it even more so. I wouldn't have taken my baby to such a gathering at four weeks but then I still felt as though I'd only just had a baby at that stage and it was difficult enough to get dressed and go around the corner to the shop :).

Can you not just go for a short while, ie for the cake and candles, speeches or whatever, and then go home, or is it too far away? Other than that a sling sounds like a good idea (though some babies don't like slings).

Sugargliderwombat · 21/04/2023 06:58

I think people move very quickly from caring about mums to not at all, don't they ? Your little baby is only 4 weeks old and you have every right to want to stay at home in your newborn bubble. I wouldn't even have considered going for a weekend and I would have hated my baby being passed around like a doll that's there for everyone's entertainment. Just say a general "we're a bit under the weather do going to stay home and rest up" should be enough. If you do want to go just wear a sling.

SleepingTilSummer · 21/04/2023 06:58

liveforsummer · 21/04/2023 06:53

Similarly mine are totally healthy, I don't remember when either last went to the dr - for dd 1, now a teen, an ear infection from being in the swimming pool daily on holiday at nursery age iirc. Dd2 several years ago following a burn on her arm and these are dc who were born abroad in a country where whole family gatherings are frequent and staff in shops will grab your baby as you walk in the door let alone all the extended family members who are obsessed with babies and children so I don't think your evidence proves anything

Show quote history

I’m not saying children won’t be healthy if they do mix a lot as babies. I’m just reassuring OP that not mixing with lots of people as a very young baby, will not cause health issues. A poster talked negatively about a sterile environment, I’m sure OPs baby isn’t living in one just because she has reservations about attending this event.

DappledThings · 21/04/2023 07:04

It wouldn't have occurred to me not to go.

queenofthebongo · 21/04/2023 07:08

Your grandad is90. There may not be many more gatherings for him. I'd go. My baby was passed around at 2 weeks I think and then at subsequent gatherings. Not sure if it's connected but I never had a separation anxiety problem and he's healthy and strong. And has an amazing bond with me! Just ask for no kissing and have a sling. Do what's right for you though. 💕