To take newborn to large family gathering

[Ginnyfromtheblock]

Tomorrow is my grandfather's 90th birthday celebration. I'm a FTM and I have a 4 week old newborn. It will be at my parents house and there's going to be about 30 people and then guests coming in and out all weekend. I am supposed to stay the weekend. AIBU to have doubts about going/ staying the weekend?

Just nervous about baby being passed around lots and people touching her face and kissing her I've already been accused of being too cautious/anxious.

I have a 4 week old and I would also be anxious. You either don’t go, or you go and not let people pick her up from the pram/cot, or if they do they wash their hands first. It’s what you’re comfortable with.

Yes a baby should not stop you from doing this, however it is advised that very young babies don’t go to crowded places for a couple of months, or until they’ve had their first lot of vaccinations I’ve ready somewhere, so just keep that in mind.

I didn’t know about varicella zoster being potentially deadly when dd was a newbie. I know these days you also have covid to contend with. I did allow her to be passed around at about 6 weeks at a big gathering. She was basically a parcel for over an hour. Some of the older ladies were very interested.

I think I’d be more vigilant these days. I’d perhaps allow people to have cuddle but be very clear about kissing. They should understand after the pandemic. Is your dp/dh on side to help protect your baby?

My baby was hospitalised and very ill due to cold sore virus. Awful, awful time. Don’t let them kiss your baby

Not a chance!! They can be as disappointed as they want.

I wouldn't go but it's totally up to you.

Even if everyone on this thread said they would go, you're within your rights to stay at home, you're still recovering and it's your baby, your choice

Going to the event for the day would be an achievement. Staying over sounds a bit much though. You're probably sleep deprived, hormonal and still bleeding. I'd want to be home with all the baby equipment and my own bed etc. Don't feel pressured!

I took mine to visit loads of family and friends and various birthday parties and family get togethers from a few days old with each one. I don't remember my family and friends "slobbering" over them, but they certainly showed affection with lots of cuddles and kisses.

I was so proud of them and so thrilled to have them that I just wanted everyone to cuddle them and see how utterly amazing and special they were .... obviously once the hormones wore off I could see that people just thought, oh yeah, baby, cut, now where's the gin 🤣.

Keeping a baby to myself and my husband, not allowing the affection that people naturally want to provide, seems alien to me.

Especially as a number of the "my little family only" people will be on here complaining about lack of interest in their children in a few years. And will be the grandparents who are hurt and left out when their kids do the same to them.

I went to a large family lunch at a restaurant 9 days post c section with one of mine. We sat on a far table and baby was either asleep on with me for the majority of it. 90 year old great granny had a cuddle as did a few select relatives. I would go but keep baby with me as much as possible- slings are great.

4 weeks is so tiny, your baby has zero immunity at the moment. Not worth the risk at all.

It is only from 6 weeks onwards the baby’s immune system will start developing. Minor infections before this can become rapidly life threatening, which is this is why 40 day post partum isolation (bar immediate family) exist in so many cultures. After 2-3 months it is safer. Doctor advice

From 2 month, 3 months is better. The immune system only starts to develop at 6 weeks. They really are incredibly vulnerable to seemingly minor viruses that can become life threatening.

I took my 3 week old to my best friends wedding, I think you'll be fine

Have just read a post advising if breastfed they're immune...please don't just believe that!

I found some family really respecful about not kissing etc and others just did it before I even had a chance to say no.

On one hand it sounds like a lovely family gathering. But I always think you need to trust your instinct, if that tells you not to go then don't. You have a newborn, play the sick card or sleep deprivation card last minute if you think you're going to get lots of backlask for being ott.

use your BRAIN… weigh up the following to help you decide…

Benefits of going (to you, baby & family)
Risks of going (to baby, maybe to you)
Alternatives (eg, hotel or short visit)
Intuition (what does your gut tell you?)
Nothing (what would happen if you didn’t go, and did nothing? How would that make you feel?)

This was a decision making tool I read in a hypnobirthing book but I now use it in lots of scenarios and it really helps.

My personal view is that we can wrap them up in cotton wool too much when actually it does their immune system so much good to be out. My babies have always had lots of contact with family and friends from being tiny. I love to see how loved they are and haven’t ever worried about it. My youngest is 9 months and has only had 1 time of being ill which I think is good going. Goes without saying that they shouldn’t be kissed- maybe ask immediate family to back you on that one.

If someone asks for a cuddle and you don't really want them to, say "he has been really sicky today so I'm a bit worried about your clothes" I found that put a lot of people off! And if they question your choices say its what the heath visitor recommended

No no no.. their immune sustem has not developed and they are most st risk when they are under 3 months, thry cant even breathe through their mouth even with a common cold until 5/6 months. Its heartbreaking to see a newborn struggling to breathe with a stuffy nose and thats before the high risk fo life threatening complications.

there is a reason why first 3 months of babies
life is called the 4th trimester

I understand your concerns, but at the same time wonder how we as a race survived this long when babies always used to be looked after by all different members of a community/ breastfed by wet nurses/ lived in less than hygienic environments.
They do have to be exposed to things, the sooner the better, as they’re building up their immune system at this important time.
Perhaps you could let people look but explain that as a new mum, you’d rather keep your little one close. That’s totally your prerogative.
One thing I will say is that my eldest was born 4 weeks before Christmas, and during all the family Christmas parties she was handed round like a little present, adored by everyone. She didn’t become ill, but she did become really over stimulated and I couldn’t get her to settle each night afterwards. A nightmare! That is something to consider. I think everyone’s perfume (she reeked of it!) and all the noise completely threw her each time.
Once we were home and settled again, she was back to her chilled self. She’s 24 now, with a really good immune system, I can’t remember the last time she was ill. In case you’re wondering, after pp have mentioned breastfeeding, I breastfed her for 4 weeks before switching to a bottle as I just couldn’t make enough milk for her, not that it seems to make any difference really (mum of 5)

How did we all survive etc is such a nonsensical argument though, because in times before modern medicine, the birth rate used to be around 6 children per women but only 2 survived to adulthood.

thry cant even breathe through their mouth even with a common cold until 5/6 months

Lol - what? Don't be ridiculous.

@Ginnyfromtheblock i think this sounds really strange? I can’t imagine people wanting to do that?
but I was quite anxious with mine and didn’t take them to large gatherings etc until they were about 12 weeks…probably over the top from me but it made me feel happier and I didn’t care if people thought I was neurotic! Just say you feel like it’s too much with a newborn? If anyone pressures you they are completely unreasonable imo

And that says it all really. It will be all round stressful for you, defending your boundaries all the time. There's so much pressure in life to please everyone and this is a sensitive time for you and your baby. Do what's right for you and honours your needs. Find a way to limit the time you're there.... Or if its a long way and not a drop in kind of thing it's okay to just not be well to avoid it altogether, and avoid having to explain, as some people just don't get it. Ugh.
Take care of yourself x

but at the same time wonder how we as a race survived this long when babies always used to be looked after by all different members of a community/ breastfed by wet nurses/ lived in less than hygienic environments. They do have to be exposed to things, the sooner the better, as they’re building up their immune system at this important time.

And what happened to these wet nursed babies in mud huts? Huge numbers of them died; thats what. All 4 sets of my great grandparents lost babies either just after birth or as infants due to illness and disease. And that was way after the days of wet nursing.

As for exposing them ‘the sooner the better’ - I can’t roll my eyes hard enough. A baby’s immune system doesn’t develop well by being bombarded from birth with a series of colds and bugs. Their immune systems mature at around 6 weeks old, despite being a short window a 4 week old cannot fight viruses anywhere near as well as a 3 month old. They’re much more likely to end up in hospital and as PPs have demonstrated, end up permanently damaged.

So babies need to be well protected for the first couple of months; then gradually exposed in a natural way around other kids and in play groups and so on. Not deliberately exposed by some well meaning relative coughing in their face or putting them in a room with chicken pox.

Deary me…

If you want to go, to honour your grandad, protect yourself (yes, you mama, regardless of babies physical health, your spiritual and emotional health is important!)... So go as early as possible, before everyone arrives and spreads their germs and attitude, or has a drink and becomes louder than normal. ... Have a tiny mini cake with candles to honour GF and make the precious moments with just you together count... Take a photo, cherish the memory.... And then retreat into a safe space for you and baby...
You could do this over zoom of distance is an issue......
X

Also, in traditional communities, you wouldn't suddenly bring together people bearing germs from many miles away....
Everything was slowwwwwer.....

Do whatever your gut is telling you without worrying what anyone on here or in your life says or will think.

Anyone other than myself and my partner near baby in the first few weeks made my skin crawl. I avoided all big gatherings. I know some members of my family were offended, upset, and thought I was completely over the top when we turned down invitations and visitors. I was an emotional mess feeling torn over what to do as I didn't want to offend anyone but also couldn't bear it. It made me so anxious at a time when I should have been able to just lean into new motherhood and enjoy getting to know my baby.

Now baby is a toddler and out and about doing all the normal things and it's all a distant memory for everyone. I wish I'd just have done whatever made me comfortable in the moment without worrying or feeling guilty. I feel I missed out on being able to enjoy those first few weeks because of the stress. It really doesn't matter long term what you do or don't attend in the first few weeks of your baby's life. It is such a short period -- parents should be free to navigate this period however works best for them.

FWIW when I did start taking baby out more at around 4 months she got ill almost immediately and I was incredibly happy that we'd waited as I would have really struggled to deal with a first illness any earlier. Her feeding and other routines were well established by then, everything seemed less clumsy and "new." Mentally knowing she was that bit older gave me peace of mind. It was mild and she recovered quickly, but it was still quite stressful! Like anything else for a FTM was a learning curve as I'd never needed to know how to feel for temperature, identify more concerning symptoms, give Calpol in the middle of the night, etc.

My advice would be-

1- If you don’t want to go, don’t go.
Don’t go just because other people feel you should.
Do what feels right for you and your baby.

2- If you do want to go, have her in a sling.
You can obviously take her in and out as and when if there are people you feel happy to hold her.
But it’s a good way to help people keep their hands off in my experience.
And as she’s such a young baby she will likely happily sleep most of the time in a sling, so perfect reason for her not to be ‘passed around’.

And most importantly ignore anyone who describes you as anxious for wanting to protect your baby.
It’s called being a good mother, and anyone that knows anything about babies would know it’s not good for such a young baby to be passed around for other people’s enjoyment.
She’s not a toy and you have no duty to ‘share’ her around.

You have totally normal feelings about such an event!
xxx