To be annoyed at kid’s new school hounding me when they’re ill

[MytosisIs]

We recently moved and so DC are attending a new school. First day was supposed to be Monday.

On Sunday they tested positive for COVID. I had it earlier in the week and really suffered.
I tested them as they were coughing, had a high fever and even D&V.

I rang on Monday morning to say they’d be missing the first day. They said they don’t recommended children are tested but said “You’ve done it now though”. I said well I still very much test for COVID because whilst none of us are vulnerable, other people may be and it’s them I’m protecting.

anyway it’s now Thursday and as requested I rang every day and updated them. But really it’s just ‘they’re still I’ll and have COVID’.

They’ve run me back every single day to discuss ’an update on the kids’. I just repeat myself from what I leave on the voicemail.

Yesterday I was on a train (I’m now negative and have been for some time) and they heard the announcement and asked where I was. When I said was on a train they asked if I’d left my kids on their own!! I said “no they’re 6 and 9!” And they asked who was watching them - their dad!!!

Today I emailed to say I have back to back meetings so can’t call but the kids remain to be ill (DH was on a plane at this point). Again they called me, which I missed. So I found a window to call them back and they again were strange and said “They have been ill for so so long now” (5 days!) asking when it started etc.

Im starting to get pissed off. I’m thinking of pulling them out and enrolling them in another school which we were also offered and according to the receptionist still have places.

AIBU to be annoyed at their persistence? Would they rather I sent sick COVID-infected kids into school? In their old school they were great and just said “We will see them when they’re better, keep us updated”.

I stopped reading around time stamp 18:58 yesterday, by which time posters were arguing over exact words the OP had said and when, using her responses as 'evidence' to pass comment on her character. Classic horrible MN bullying.

OP - my children are in a small school and I've never experienced anything like this. So, in your shoes, I'd be shocked and startled by the way the school is reacting.

All of the comments about "obvious safeguarding" ... obvious to those posters perhaps, but I've learned from this thread. Again, we have zero experience of these horrors in our tiny school so, crikey, I had no idea. My initial thought with your post was there must be a really nosey busybody in the school office.

A PP asked 'is this normal in the UK' which made me smile with the curious innocence of the question, because it is NOT normal in my home country either. Nor at the school my kids are currently at.

So I'd also find this all invasive and disconcerting but I think, in your shoes - now I know it's a safeguarding thing - I'd respond to it all with ample equally OTT evidence. Write them a letter (polite) saying I understand now why they are contacting so much, so, to reassure them: offer a daily video of sick kids, photo of covid tests, little email update everyday of where you'll be going and who's caring for them. I would invite them to come visit - a dose of horrible covid will be the best evidence of all.

Thing is, if you live in an area where schools have to react like this then you'll have to find a way to live with it.

Statement of bias: Our headteacher is a rules is rules boring dim witted bureaucrat who thinks she is very very very very important. So I thoroughly enjoy taking her bureaucratic nonsense very very very seriously and generating lots in response to keep her very busy and still feeling important. My advice might be influenced by that.

The obvious safeguarding comments are because most schools will have communicated their policy in the (huge and overwhelming bundle) you get when the kids start.
The policies recommended follow a number of what used to be called serious case reviews, where schools were the only professionals in the child's life and they missed opportunities to exercise professional curiosity when something felt off, resulting in neglect and death. Sounds extreme, of course, but these policies are operated to protect the most vulnerable. Of course often schools do act in a more relaxed way as they know the family. Not always a wise move, but understandable. In this case, they don't know the family at all. Moving area is of course something people do all the time, but it is also something people seeking to hide problems do.

School will likely have received the safeguarding file from previous school by now and may have concerns if the children's attendance has been historically low.

What sort of society is it that there is so many abusive parents that people think its ok for a bl school to do what you describe?

it's one in which many children are unfortunately abused and neglected, and some people try to hide their abuse and neglect.

You sound very sheltered from the realities of what many children suffer.

Did you read the bit where the op said she wouldn't allow them in the house if they visited? What's your thoughts on that?

This right here. Perhaps unintentionally op is giving off red flags

What you don't seem to get OP @MytosisIs is it's the combination of your children being new to the school, the fact we have been advised to no longer test unless you work in a medical setting or in contacting with someone shielding, and in any case children are exempt, AND the fact the children are off for a week. Those three things together are unusual.

Whilst I appreciate you saying you're not one of the abusive parents, the school don't KNOW that! I'm sure abusive parents have also used that line before.

So quite rightly, the school are querying the arrangements to ensure that there aren't any holes in your story... As they should for safeguarding.

And if children are well in themselves again, they should be back, regardless of what some stupid test (that you shouldn't be doing) says!

I am sheltered from it. I think I stated as much.

My thoughts on OP saying she'd refuse a home visit are that, prior to understanding exactly what's going on and why, I'd have done the same. If you don't know why then it's seems spectacularly invasive.

Incidentally, the bundle of info from our school didn't include anything on this. I wonder ... is this location specific? Are there areas where child abuse is more rife?

Because the understanding and acceptance that schools HAVE to do this is quite revealing as well, if you think about it. It's like abuse has become normalised.

It's like abuse has become normalised.

It hasn’t become normalised. It’s become completely unacceptable and we (general we) no longer bury our heads in the sand and pretend that being a nice school or a nice area or a well spoken parent means it doesn’t happen.

You're in back to back meetings and DH is on a plane ......

On average 1 child a week is killed in the UK. That is a shocking statistic, and that doesn't include the children who are not killed but beaten, neglected, subjected to sexual abuse, the children who may be at risk for forced marriage or FGM, children who may have extremely unwell parents and are skipping school to care for them/younger siblings and so many other horrific circumstances. If abuse was being normalised nobody would be bothering to check up on children. Sadly, there have been too many cases where a child could have been saved if only their parents words hadn't just been taken at face value.

some abusers move school and keep kids home to hide bruises so their checking as you might be covering up abuse.....

Well 'we' do, actually, if we passively accept that schools need to do this because child abuse is so rampant.

I hope all those in the 'we' group are also absolutely HOUNDING their MPs - regularly - to provide the resources and funding required to stop abuse instead of thinking that cooperating with the school is 'doing their bit'. I hope you'll all make this a voting priority and damn well mean it. I suspect not though, but you can't tell it from the lecturing posturing replies to the OP.

In our community - admittedly small - there was an uproar when children had to stand too close to a main road to catch the bus. Safety. If child abuse was rampant in the area - holy cow ...

The current safeguarding policy is based on many cases of serious abuse and some deaths. It's not about attendance in the case of new children
Years ago sick kids at school were told to walk around the playground 4 times then go back to class....the sawdust was always out nobody is suggesting that but these children could be home covered in bruises, broken bones etc. Even if no issues in previous school things could have changed hence the move. New partner, mental stress alcohol drugs etc it happens.

The plane

I would say it may be to do with the kids being new and having no prior relationship with you to gauge if you are genuine so it falls under safeguarding.
Also you're coming across on this post as really having your back up about them calling so if your having this attitude with them they will definitely follow up every day as it throws up a red flag

Incidently, years ago, sick kids took a note in on their return, there was no notifying daily

And years ago the official (recorded in my file) response so someone reporting the high number of broken bones and burns I, and my siblings, had was “Father has good job with X company. Parents are married. Father well spoken. Children not seen.”

Thankfully lots of things have changed…

This was my feeling too.

They have no idea whether the parent is being truthful or not. I would also be annoyed in the OPs position and my annoyance would be increasing with each phone call.

It’s just another pointless box ticking exercise.

Maybe one of those on the thread claiming to be safeguarding leaders will tell us how an unsubstantiated assurance from a parent over the phone protects a child from abuse?

It's safeguarding......the children have not been seen for 3 weeks as it's the first week back after 2 week Easter break...and a new school so potentially the children left old school before the end of term. Children could be seriously abused in this time .....it has happened.....if the school don't follow guidelines they will be hung out to dry if that were to be the case here.

Then why did you ever tell us he was what was your intention to make a story once you lied to us how do we believe anything else...where you in meetings, were you on a train, do the children exist or is this a boredom filler?

Exactly

It's 3 weeks with the school holidays too.

@backstreetsbackallright

There is a balance between safeguarding children and harassing a parent unnecessarily. In my experience, I would say this school are doing the latter.

I totally agree with this. I understand the need for the school to bottom this out and check out anything which has the potential to be a red flag.

But I think a kind of hysteria has developed around safeguarding which lacks any subtlety and nuance. In practice the way this often manifests itself is that any family which fails to adhere to absolutely textbook parenting can end up being put through really unreasonable hoops.

Sometimes there is a genuine safeguarding concern. A lot of the time this is families who are busy and stressed trying to spin a lot of plates at the same time.

I had a recent situation with my DD's school where because I was unable to fill in a medicine consent form within hours of it being sent to me, I was told there was a potential safeguarding concern. I had sent my DD in with medicine but had not had access to a printer the day I sent it in so I sent a covering email and phoned in to explain the situation alongside medicine in a labelled bottle with prescribing instructions. About two hours after sending the form, the school nurse started calling me multiple times (when I was unable to answer the phone) and left a message telling me there would be a safeguarding concern if I couldn't get the form done immediately.

I was extremely polite and I reiterated again and again that I understood the need to check but privately I found this really overbearing and unnecessary (and extremely stressful). I had been in constant dialogue with the school, there was a clear prescription and just no need for this.

And honestly a PP is right: families which are slightly "non traditional" in any way (such as single parent families, poorer families or families where both parents work) are more likely to fall outside these safeguarding guardrails because they just aren't able to provide this constant level of back and forth dialogue with schools and adhere this strictly to the checkbox demands due to being busy.

I don't really know what the solution is because I do understand why schools do this. But I do think sometimes there's a very unbending and unrealistic approach to this and a lack of ability to apply basic intelligence and pragmatism to these situations.

Update: They showed up at 8.30 (I’d already rang in) kids waved from the window I had a chat with them. I said I understood from their point of view they have safeguarding obligations but from my point of view they are ill and there’s not much I can do.

Well this is the thing.

Nothing.

Because their absence indicates either a shot parent neglecting her kids or a good parent protecting her kids, but there's nothing you can do to prove one way or the other, hence why it's hard for you AND school and the only tool they have is monitoring and persistence.

You just have to accept this isn't about YOU or your kids but A ANOTHER family and that it's worth checking on all families in the hope of picking up the one that needs help.

It isn't you so just accept it and carry on.

How poorly are they now ?

If not temp then they can go back

All kids cough and sniff /runny nose etc

Will they both go back Monday ?