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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Adult son 23 doesn't want to ever move out

109 replies

onlyabitnosy · 20/04/2023 10:37

Son 23 is autistic and ADHD.
He has a job and works very hard but has said that he wouldn't ever want to move out because he doesn't think he would cope on his own and would hate it.
Do we accept that he's always going to live at home or push him to be independent?

He doesn't have any friends and spends a lot of his free time with us.
He doesn't earn a lot of money but he works hard and pays his way.
He seems very unhappy and finds life quite overwhelming at times is often subject to being bullied and can be quite vulnerable which has seen him taken advantage of in the past as he's very trusting.
We'd be reluctant to leave him alone for example if we went on holiday because he is oblivious to what he's doing most of the time, loses his keys often, always seems in a daydream and I'd be worried he'd leave the oven on or not lock up.

We love him dearly and he's a lovely lad but I don't know if we are doing him any favours allowing him to stay at home indefinitely writing off any plans of making a future on his own.

He has a lot of anxiety issues and I don't want him to think this isn't his home or we don't want him here, I'd just like him to be happy and I can't believe he's going to be happy with us forever.

OP posts:

TokyoSushi · 20/04/2023 10:40

I think I'd leave it for now. He seems to find things tricky anyway and it seems that independent living might be a step too far for him at the moment.

I think you'd have to go very gently anyway, but just because he isn't ready now doesn't mean that he won't ever be ready.

TrombonesAreNotBones · 20/04/2023 10:42

Have a look at what supported living is in place locally. Might be NAS-run?

Dotjones · 20/04/2023 10:42

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Blinkingheckythump · 20/04/2023 10:43

How can you expect him to live independently if you don't even trust him to be at home alone whilst you holiday without him?

MatildaTheCat · 20/04/2023 10:45

I’d be looking at this as a very long term project to build his confidence, life skills and happiness. So look at breaking down these skills and introducing them very gradually.

diflasu · 20/04/2023 10:45

I'd agree I'd probably leave it for now.

However in mean time try and get routines - like checking oven off and lights off and door locked - and building up some skills like bill paying, budgeting etc if you haven't already and see if that helps him and his confidence.

DaaamnYoullDo · 20/04/2023 10:45

Can you make him like a buildon or something so he has his own living space but he's still close to you. Or like a supported living type arrangement.
I don't think it's good for adult kids to live with their parents. I collect disabilities and mental health conditions like they're pokemon, it's hard but I live alone and I know I'm much better for it.

You need to work with him to find ways ways stop him losing his keys and manage his food, clothes and cleaning.

Weatherwax134 · 20/04/2023 10:47

Are there any day centres or charity groups in the area supporting young people with ASD? My cousin had a similar situation and managed to find a nice group of friends with shared interests (he loves pokemon and theme parks). They also worked to build his confidence so he could move into a sheltered accommodation flat (he was 27 when he moved out). It was really difficult on both sides, but it has been the best thing for him and gives him such confidence.

Mummysatthebodyshop · 20/04/2023 10:48

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Let's hope you don't expect any help /compensation/ medical care if you get in a car crash because you chose to get in that car you know.

brooksidebackside · 20/04/2023 10:49

Do we accept that he's always going to live at home or push him to be independent?

You won't be able to push the disability out of him, no. He is either able to manage or not and from what you say it sounds like he isn't at all ready for independent living.

Mummysatthebodyshop · 20/04/2023 10:52

op, Start getting the ball rolling, as no accommodation is going to be found overnight or even in the next month. You're not going to be around forever either so he needs to learn how to cope without you. One of the best things about my local special needs school is that it has a flat for them to practice life skills, to live as independently as possible. You're his mum so it's natural to mother him, but if he manages to go to work fulfil responsibilities there he can manage basic home tasks if you weren't there to do it for him.

Marezydotes · 20/04/2023 10:55

I have a 30 year old son with ASD who lived at home until he was about 24. He moved out because, well, he wanted to and things at home were a bit tense due to his needs and moods.

It has been an interesting ride. On paper he has the skills to live independently but really, he lacks the motivation to carry these out to anything beyond survival/ existence. He had a twice weekly support worker pre pandemic but that stopped abruptly in March 2020 and I stepped in to help him with cleaning and shopping and so on. He will do housework if I'm there to supervise/ buddy him but otherwise...

He is very lonely. He doesn't really see anybody apart from me, and does not work. He has hobbies and interests which keep him occupied but I do feel bad for him being on his own so much. I don't think I could live with him for again, his needs for his environment are quite specific and we clashed quite a bit. I do feel for you, it's so hard realising that you are going to be needed quite intensely for life. Sometimes it gets me down that I can't - I don't know - emigrate to New Zealand or even just move cities for better job prospects.

In an ideal world, if I won the pools I'd buy a house for me and DP with a cottage in the grounds for DS so he'd be independent but close by. But that's not going to happen, realistically.

Does he have any involvement from your local social services team, or Autism Service? DS has access to a social worker and could get a support worker if he wanted (finding the right person is a whole other story, mind) - it might be worth exploring this if you haven't already. Also check out getting a carer's assessment for yourself. It might be weird to think of yourself as carer, rather than a Mum (it took me a while) but again, different local authorities have different provisions for carers which might help.

In the meantime, promoting independence is never a bad thing, even if it takes many reminder lists and active WhatsApp chats (this is how we manage). I also have a couple of trusted friends who will check in on DS if I'm on holiday, and who he knows he can call.

Stay strong, OP, and look after yourself, as well, getting support for you is crucial too.

Lottieskeeper · 20/04/2023 10:58

23 is still so young though especially as men mature slower that's before you even add in extra issues.
Just because he isn't ready now doesn't mean he won't ever be ready. Alot will change in say 10 years.
Personally I would try to encourage him to start a hobby or make friendships somehow right now, maybe encourage a bit more independance. Look at it as a long term project and wouldn't be pushing him out.

Original poster

onlyabitnosy · 20/04/2023 11:00

I just want what's best for him, I know we won't be here forever and he doesn't have anybody else in the world but he seems quite content to just live her and hang out with us, he's in his comfort zone. I just don't want to hold him back.

OP posts:

brooksidebackside · 20/04/2023 11:02

onlyabitnosy · 20/04/2023 11:00

He is a disabled adult. His comfort zone doesn't yet extend to independent living. Support him as much as you can to manage with day to day things

Marezydotes · 20/04/2023 11:03

I should add, our local LA autism service runs a couple of shared supported houses specifically for people with ASD, with 24 hour support. This might be an option where you are? It wasn't suitable for my DS for various reasons but it was an option we seriously considered. Moving out doesn't have to be all or nothing. I'd contact your local autism team and see what's available in your area.

It helped for us that living with my DS was starting to exacerbate my own mental health issues, and that prompted our LA to help find accommodation for him.

Mabelface · 20/04/2023 11:06

My 30 year old is also still at home and won't be able to live alone. However, he could cope with a house share or live while a partner. He got made redundant 5 years ago from a job where he'd really find his tribe and we're on the very long and slow pathway to getting him working part time again. Voluntary work has been good for him, teaching digital skills but the funding for this has now gone.

I wouldn't be surprised if he stays with me for some time yet, but it's fine. The house is more than big enough and we rub along quite nicely. I don't baby him though, he looks after himself.

W0tnow · 20/04/2023 11:08

Could you look at having him commit to a period of time living independently, say 6 or 8 months, on the understanding that he can absolutely move back if it doesn’t work out?

I think you can’t really wait until he is totally comfortable moving out. Loads of NT young adults fine the leap a challenge. I want what is best for my kids too. Sometimes that means they have to leave their comfort zone. It’s sad to see your kids in a limited world when you think they might be capable of more. Might be happier.

Marezydotes · 20/04/2023 11:10

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I think it's possible to find a middle ground between settling for your lot and "washing your hands' of him (incidentally, OP, I don't think any of us think you wish to do the latter; that was a bit harsh Dotjones)

First steps need to be some kind of needs assessment from a professional wwho can empathise with his (and your) situation. Your DS might be a little resistant to this at first but once he sees that there are more options for company, activity and independence out there he may start to consider expanding his comfort zone beyond the family home.

Mirabai · 20/04/2023 11:10

Bless him. I think supported housing is some way off. Before that you need to build some skills.

I think you shouldn’t be afraid to go away and this could be independence practice. He might be better at it than he thinks. If you have family and neighbours to check up on him on a short break that would be good, but if not you could find a care agency to come in once a day.

Mirabai · 20/04/2023 11:11

Agree.

Taptap2 · 20/04/2023 11:15

I’m sure I will face this situation in a few years . We may go down the granny flat route or find him a flat somewhere very close to us but I would be concerned he would be lonely. However, I’m happy to have him at home long term but DH is not. You need to be able to leave him at home at least overnight on his own and build up from there. Air fryer has been a godsend on teaching DS to cook.

Marezydotes · 20/04/2023 11:20

Seconding the air fryer Taptap2 - between that and the microwave DS can manage most things!

Skybluepinky · 20/04/2023 11:26

Yes very normal for those with additional needs, they often never leave home.

maddening · 20/04/2023 11:27

I would say fine, but on condition that we proactively engage in developing his independence and coping strategies.

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