Adult son 23 doesn't want to ever move out

[onlyabitnosy]

Son 23 is autistic and ADHD.
He has a job and works very hard but has said that he wouldn't ever want to move out because he doesn't think he would cope on his own and would hate it.
Do we accept that he's always going to live at home or push him to be independent?

He doesn't have any friends and spends a lot of his free time with us.
He doesn't earn a lot of money but he works hard and pays his way.
He seems very unhappy and finds life quite overwhelming at times is often subject to being bullied and can be quite vulnerable which has seen him taken advantage of in the past as he's very trusting.
We'd be reluctant to leave him alone for example if we went on holiday because he is oblivious to what he's doing most of the time, loses his keys often, always seems in a daydream and I'd be worried he'd leave the oven on or not lock up.

We love him dearly and he's a lovely lad but I don't know if we are doing him any favours allowing him to stay at home indefinitely writing off any plans of making a future on his own.

He has a lot of anxiety issues and I don't want him to think this isn't his home or we don't want him here, I'd just like him to be happy and I can't believe he's going to be happy with us forever.

We're not looking to push him out by any means, I enjoy his company and we get along great, we are a close family, it's more about him thinking he'll never be able to move out and me wondering if it's healthy for him to think like this or if he just needs to believe he could rather than doubting he'll ever manage without us.
Like any parents we just want to do what's best for him and to see him happy.

My Brother is 38 and has never left home, he is autistic and has other special needs. He has a part time job and gets on with my parents well so they have always been happy for him to stay as long as he wants.

The tables were turned when my mum had chemotherapy for breast cancer. She was really unwell and my brother was there to care for her. Also he was able to pay the bills while she was to sick to work.

Maybe building your sons confidence in looking after himself so that he would be OK if you were to go on a weekend away would be a good starting point.

I have an adult son with ASD who is the same age and still lives at home. He works part time but doesn't really have any friends that he socialises with, most of his friends from school have moved away to uni.

He is still very young emotionally for his age, I think of him as being more like a 14 year old. He seems happy still living with us. We get on fine and if he's happy then I'm happy. Some time in the future he may decide that he wants to move out and live independently but I'm not going to force the issue just because that's what society dictates as the norm.

What does he think is holding him back? If he believes he won't manage, you need to address those issues individually, develop strategies for dealing with stuff and support to help him gain those additional skills. He must have been able to do something like this to be in employment, but if he doesn't because it's all mechanical for example, you could still look at the skills needed to be living independently and work out ways of his gaining those skills and practising. I would do this even if his moving out is a long term goal, as usually lots of practising and preparation is needed before things are embedded (with ASD, ADHD may well be similar).

As his parent, you'll have a reasonable idea what his strengths are and what things he needs to work on. I hope there is further support available to him from outside agencies, any additional help would be so beneficial.

it's more about him thinking he'll never be able to move out and me wondering if it's healthy for him to think like this or if he just needs to believe he could rather than doubting he'll ever manage Absolutely, in your son's case, having additional skills in itself is a positive boost to the self esteem; even if he doesn't feel ready to try living away yet, knowing that he does have the skill sets and strategies in place will help his confidence and frame of mind, won't it?

Can you help him get out of his comfort zone slightly whilst living with you. Maybe see about any local organisations he can be involved in or volunteering or something where he meets other people. It's a lot easier to do that from a huge safety blanket of mum and dad then when on your own. Instead of talks of him moving out how about creating ways he can become more independent at home. Is there something you can do to help with the keys such as a key ring with the long twisted cord on so he doesn't have to take them out his pocket when he is out? Oven wise can he start cooking a lot more and make it a routine of checking things are switched off? Does he pay any bills or have savings? If not can he start taking responsibility for a phone bill or something? All little things help to build up towards moving out. He may or may not ever be ready but there are things he can do to help him become more independent

Doesn't sound at all like the OP and her husband want to 'wash their hands' of their son. She's clearly thinking longer term, wanting him to have a fulfilling adult life, and also to a time where they're no longer around. People are so needlessly harsh!

Don't think too far ahead. My DD, autistic, LDs is starting to live semi independently at 25 1/6. It's a big change from when she was 23. She's been lucky that she made a good friend from a former workplace and she pushed herself to go to the bingo with the women from her now workplace. They are open to exploitation. My DD gets a lot from online gaming and special interest forums. Just be encouraging without pressure.

He probably really needs you at the moment, he’s your son and life must be so challenging already with his autism and I don’t mean to sound horrible but I think that would be really unkind to make him leave him.

Sorry I re read your post properly and can see you’re concerned about his future for when your not around, sorry if my post seemed harsh but I just couldn’t imagine making my son leave home, my nephew is severely disabled and will always live with my sister, she worry’s so much when she passes as she won’t be here to look out for him. It’s a scary thought but all you can do is be there for them whilst you are here ❤️

Hopefully you can help him become more independent, but you can't help with the loneliness. Even if he can become independent enough to live alone, how will he manage making a few friendships or even a romantic relationship? I think looking for some sort of assisted living type place alongside encouraging independence is worth looking into.

Have you looked into supported housing OP?

The problem is that the older he gets, the more adverse he will become to learning new things. This is like most people. It's better for him to learn slowly at a gentle pace now than suddenly be plummeted into the situation when he is 50.

The best thing is to help him develop skills for independent living, because even if he doesn't leave your house, it will make your life easier when he lives with you and also help him when the eventual time comes when he is on his own.

My feeling is that if he can hold down a job, he is probably capable of doing quite a lot.

He’s only 23, lots of NT people are still living at home at that point, many well beyond.

I think in future you could look at moving to somewhere with an annexe or potential to built/convert so he has his own space but still has access to support. If financially this isn’t possible, then a flat or smaller house nearby. Supported accom if necessary, but he’s working so probably doesn’t need it.

Work on his life skills (money/bill management), use an organisation app/alarms or a paper planner specific to adhd, and work on responsibility within the household (dishes, washing, cleaning, cooking). Do a rota and visual schedules to help him establish these new routines at set times. This will give him confidence and gradually the idea of semi- independent living will become less scary and more manageable, it’s all about repetition.

My BIL has ASD (aspergers) and lived at home until he was 42! He was quite comfortable there, his mum waiting on him hand and foot, everything paid for...

Eventually he decided he needed to be independent and moved out and has lived on his own for about 8 years. His parents helped him buy a 1 bed house and he lives with his dog and goes to work, plays his guitar and has a playstation. He isn't very sociable, and can be quite odd at times, but sometimes he does try and agree to socialise.

If you contact the National Autistic Society, they have schemes to help those with ASD to be able to live independently either in their purpose build units, or in their own homes with some sort of support.

I would start small and work on his skills so you feel fine leaving him overnight at first.
I would also work on some of his practical skills like being able to cook simple meals if he cant already, and shopping and paying for food. You can do all this in a fun way together at first.
If he says he never wants to love out, I would just say something vague like you are still young, you might change your mind when you are older.

I would let him stay with you but encourage him to learn some more life skills. It sounds as if he’d be willing to try things such as routines and checklists so that he has a list for when he leaves the house/goes to bed so that he knows everything has been switched off. Often I think you do have to make a potentially dangerous mistake to learn not to do it again.

I’m autistic (Asperger’s) and I’m 50 now. I probably only moved out at 25 because I was in a long term relationship and my exH organised most of the house stuff. I gradually started taking responsibility for that in my mid 30’s and then we broke up and suddenly I had to do everything alone.

I think the autistic brain is very slow to develop though and I’m not sure these things can be rushed. The internet (particularly YouTube) has been very useful to me though for learning about people and my self development has a delayed a lot over the past ten years. Learning about Myers Briggs, neurodiversity, highly sensitive people and then narcissism has been so useful to me because now I know when I’m being lied to and manipulated.

Accelerated not delayed! What an odd replacement!

I also agree that it is easier to learn now than him be forced to learn these things when he is 50 or 60 years old through circumstance. Because you can do it slowly and gradually.
If he did live independently there are plenty of solutions to some of his issues. So don't have kets but install a door code on the front door and an automatically closing door.
The being bullied and taken advantage is off is a real issue though and a hard one to solve.

Also do not expect everything to be perfect. I am NT and when I lived away for the first time sometimes forgot to lock my door or lost my keys. Most young adults have this experience at some time, the difference is their parents dont know about it.

So have you looked into supported accommodation? Or groups he could learn to socialise with?

You won't be here forever so you need to start planning how best to get him ready to be away from you

Wow. What a nasty comment. Op is not asking for a judgement on her life choices.
A bit of support and empathy and hopefully some advice from people who have been in this situation.
I'm not in this position but I do have one son who lives alone with quite severe mental health problems and I also have to deal with all his admin, appts etc. I do his laundry and am going tomorrow to help him clean.
It really worries me how he will cope when I'm not here.

23 is still young.
I agree about building his confidence and social skills etc but also just give him time. Things won't be like this forever

Place marking. I have a 31 year old son still living at home. All the previous posts pretty much describe him. I cry myself to sleep at night worrying what will become of him. Me and DH are retired now and I have visions of him living on the streets, homeless, if anything happens to us. He did actually move out to university at 19, but within a few months he'd become so depressed he attempted suicide and had to come home, where he's been ever since. I cannot get him interested in work at all but we do live very rurally with no public transport.

Sorry I'm not much help OP. I just wanted to let you know there's quite a few of us out here.

OP please join some autistic led groups on Facebook and ask there. Some of the comments here are upsetting to read as an autistic person myself. He doesn't need to get "out of his comfort zone" he is likely far out of it every day just trying to live in neurotypical society. He needs security and to feel safe (I know you know this).
Try this group https://www.facebook.com/groups/AAAandA/?ref=share
There are lots of autistic people on there who will have similar lived experience to your son.

So sorry to hear that, it must have been difficult.
I do worry about his future, he's never been suicidal but has often said he'd rather not be here than have autism.
I think a lot of it's the anxiety and bullying that comes with it, has he seen a doctor for his depression?