Adult son 23 doesn't want to ever move out

[onlyabitnosy]

Son 23 is autistic and ADHD.
He has a job and works very hard but has said that he wouldn't ever want to move out because he doesn't think he would cope on his own and would hate it.
Do we accept that he's always going to live at home or push him to be independent?

He doesn't have any friends and spends a lot of his free time with us.
He doesn't earn a lot of money but he works hard and pays his way.
He seems very unhappy and finds life quite overwhelming at times is often subject to being bullied and can be quite vulnerable which has seen him taken advantage of in the past as he's very trusting.
We'd be reluctant to leave him alone for example if we went on holiday because he is oblivious to what he's doing most of the time, loses his keys often, always seems in a daydream and I'd be worried he'd leave the oven on or not lock up.

We love him dearly and he's a lovely lad but I don't know if we are doing him any favours allowing him to stay at home indefinitely writing off any plans of making a future on his own.

He has a lot of anxiety issues and I don't want him to think this isn't his home or we don't want him here, I'd just like him to be happy and I can't believe he's going to be happy with us forever.

He sounds lovely OP. :)

I don't think there's anything wrong with living together if you're all happy, it's completely normal in many cultures.

You still need to keep teaching him life skills though. He might want to move out when older, or find a partner, or something might happen to you or DH.

I'd encourage him to learn all aspects of cooking, cleaning etc, and work up to being able to go away without him, occasionally. So that if he does feel differently in future, he'll already have the skills and confidence he needs.

I get what you're saying Robinni.

I have a different MH issue, and peer support groups can be amazing for feeling understood. But it's difficult in some ways - a much higher priority of people are struggling than in a normal friendship group, some people severely and long-term. It requires good boundaries not to take all that on. Plus there develops a bit of an us-and-them mentality against "normies", which I don't find particularly helpful.

Why do you need to write anything off as a possibility? Maybe just wait and see? He's only been an adult for 5 years of his potential 60 or 70, so there's plenty of time ahead of him. I think I'd be encouraging small steps to indepence but ever mindful of his pace, as too much will be frightening and set him back. Maybe a weekend away without him with lots of preparation before hand and contact during, and work from there. I'd be very subtle and slow though, and be clear he has the safety net of home. Sometimes that's the reassurance needed to branch out a little.

Have you looked into a council extra care flat?

The block that my mum is in caters for all sorts of people who need that but of extra help. In my mums case her needs are physical after a stroke, but I meet pale of all ages there, some possibly autistic, some with learning disabilities, along with physical challenges.

That's a care office downstairs, and a housing manager, as well as a restaurant and a small shop. If he had any practical issues somewhere like that, there's always someone around to help

Some ExtraCare / retirement complexes have limited homes available to younger people with extra needs. You might try asking to see if something like that is available. You can then lease an apartment using equity from your home.

As for the blanking out - it could be because of anxiety too. My DD has autism too and things like locking the door behind her / bathing are stressful to her (though admittedly she doesn’t blank out). She’s only 11 so much younger but what helped her are:

1. We got her a house key and a pretty looking hand santiser on a chain. She wears it constantly around her neck and won’t now leave the house without it.
2. The door locks automatically when it shuts. Less stress so dd can just walk off.
3. We considered an electronic / mobile operated lock but her specialist suggested physical items are morely likely to be built into ‘muscle memory’.
4. She doesn’t like washing her hair herself but enjoys it when a hairdresser at a specific salon does it.
5. Hates bathing / showering and won’t do except after sports because then it makes sense and I suspect she likes that the water is colder than at home - so we book some kind of sports activity everyday (at school or elsewhere) even if it’s just gym and she will shower there or at our gym where possible.
6. She loves using her bike. It took her a long time to learn (we used a bikeability teacher who was experienced with SEN) but her confidence improved greatly. She is always more ‘present’ when riding her bike so that might be an option

I have an autistic 16 year old & can empathise with your concerns.
Regards walk groups my widowed neighbour is a member of loads & it really gets him out & about.
I think he found them through Facebook book & he has joined several different ones.
There might be similar in your area

I saw some suggestions of hobbies or interests above and wanted to add martial arts into the mix. It's got a great sense of community and most of the social chat is about martial arts (movies, techniques, history of etc) which is handy for neurodiverse people with very focussed interests. If he doesn't like fighting gentler options like Tai-Chi, Chi Kung and Bagua are good too.

My 9yo is Asd and has moderate learning difficulties and anxiety. I’ve thought for years that he’ll always live with me, and I’m absolutely fine with that. If he’s able to or wants to try and live independently I will absolutely support him but it really is whatever makes him happy.

No parent lives forever, though, Coffee. Any slow, gentle steps you can start to take to prepare your son for a life without you, supported by others, will be time well spent.