Adult son 23 doesn't want to ever move out

[onlyabitnosy]

Son 23 is autistic and ADHD.
He has a job and works very hard but has said that he wouldn't ever want to move out because he doesn't think he would cope on his own and would hate it.
Do we accept that he's always going to live at home or push him to be independent?

He doesn't have any friends and spends a lot of his free time with us.
He doesn't earn a lot of money but he works hard and pays his way.
He seems very unhappy and finds life quite overwhelming at times is often subject to being bullied and can be quite vulnerable which has seen him taken advantage of in the past as he's very trusting.
We'd be reluctant to leave him alone for example if we went on holiday because he is oblivious to what he's doing most of the time, loses his keys often, always seems in a daydream and I'd be worried he'd leave the oven on or not lock up.

We love him dearly and he's a lovely lad but I don't know if we are doing him any favours allowing him to stay at home indefinitely writing off any plans of making a future on his own.

He has a lot of anxiety issues and I don't want him to think this isn't his home or we don't want him here, I'd just like him to be happy and I can't believe he's going to be happy with us forever.

If you're ok with it then I'd let him stay till he's ready to move on

Thing is the actual decision isn't going to be between him moving out OR staying with you for the rest of his life, is it?
Because, sorry for being blunt, its very unlikely that you or his father will be around for the rest of his life. At some point he will be on his own.

So it's more a question of whether its better for him to live the majority of his life with you as he would prefer BUT with the high likelihood at some point he will end up on his own and struggle to cope with all the skills that he's never needed to use at the exact time he's also coping with a bereavement -or if it's better for him to move out earlier even if its not what he wants while you are still around to support him and provide a safety net.

That doesn't mean he's necessarily ready NOW. But given that he's able to hold down a job it sounds like if you put the effort in to support him develop the skills (and ideally support networks beyond you) he's currently missing he could possibly be ready in a few years, even if it's in a supported living situation or with the support of a social worker or with you still being in contact with him every day.

But I fully appreciate both options are hard. Either way he's lucky to have parents that care about him so much.

My brother is autistic to the point of not being able to work and needs a lot of help with certain tasks so he moved into an assisted living flat. It was great for him, gave him some independence a bit of responsibility etc. Unfortunately he’s now had to move back home because over the last year, the care provided by the agency had declined significantly, but the experience, as well as going off to a special college when he was younger (which he loved) has really helped him develop a degree of independence.

I have encouraged him to join groups for autistic adults but he's reluctant, I think he's quite happy just being with family he knows, its almost like he doesn't know about friendships so he doesn't miss them.
He works as a drivers mate delivering white goods so he is with one other person during work, but not a lot of opportunity for mixing.
Lots of lifting and shifting and he works long hours but he doesn't find the job too difficult and he's been there several years and enjoys it.

Opposite way round here; DH wants DS (also 20s and autistic with ADHD) to know that he can live with us as long as he likes. I’m trying to shove him gently towards greater independence. After all, we won’t be around for his whole life.

My mother has just died and I’m feeling my own mortality.

I third the air frier!

@onlyabitnosy I wouldn’t force him to mix only with autistics it will amplify everything he’s going through. Like a smoker trying to quit having only smokers around them to talk to about smoking and the difficulties with smoking. Instead of him learning new ways of being it will just reinforce it all. Personally couldn’t think of anything more awful.

He needs outdoor activity (not team sport, think scouting for grown ups or walking, cycling, swimming) or hobbies with detail like making something, coding, gaming, music. Music is actually very good as he can sit and listen, or play, doesn’t have to say anything and then can talk about the music he likes with people after. Something where his autism won’t matter so much and he can play to his strengths. You or another person he knows could go with him to start, then when he gets established you might not be needed every time. Having one success will then give him confidence for further. It’s all gradual.

If you don't think he'd cope by himself whilst you are on holiday or a week or something how on earth can he be expected to move out to his own place? Could you leave him for a 3-4 days whilst you have a short holiday and see how he goes?

My 23yo DS with ASD still lives at home. He's nominally fairly bright but hasn't managed to get a job. He's very happy at home with few responsibilities. I'm divorced, it's just him and me so he is company, as much as an autistic youngster with special interests but no conversation, can be company! I'm slowly training him up with household tasks so he will be able to do his own washing etc eventually. He can heat up a ready meal and order a takeaway 😉so I can leave him for a few days on his own. I'm building this up to a week so that I can still have the occasional holiday without him.

As PPs have said, he's like someone much younger than his age, 23 going on 14 or so. So I'm not too worried about him moving on as yet. In time, maybe.

The reason I suggested other autistic adults is because he often tries to make conversation with strangers at the gym or on a bench if he's out for a walk and it's not always received well so I thought a setting with likeminded people where he was expecting to meet and chat might be easier as rejection hurts.
I might be wrong though that's why I'm on here asking for advice.
He stands outside washing his car trying to make conversation with passers by who ignore him or give him strange looks.

I worry about my 19 year-old ds too.

He's on the waiting list for a diagnosis but I'm convinced he's autistic and suffers from adhd. This has become more and more apparent in the last few years, as he has struggled massively with transitioning from his small, familiar secondary to a big college and now university. He just doesn't have the autonomy, or desire even, to spread his wings and think about his future. I feel so sad for him as he watches his old school friends grow up and away.

I try to help him, motivate him but he just can't seem to stick to any sort of routine, lacks any self-discipline or drive. He really is like a 13 or 14 year-old in many ways, needing guidance in everything and any responsibilty taken away from him. I have to prompt him to do almost everything, from taking a shower, changing his clothes, to revising or contacting his friends to arrange to meet up. He's incredibly trusting and naive and just doesn't seem cut out for our world.

He's repeating his first year of a maths degree as he failed his second semester last year, after telling me he wanted me to take a step back. He ended up not going to lessons and spending all day in bed while the rest of us were out at school or work. (He lives at home and goes to the local uni. We're in Europe so thankfully tuition is affordable.)

I've insisted he look for a summer job to help him build his social skills. He agrees but, as usual, has done nothing without me being behind him every step of the way. It's exhausting!

He is taking medication for depression and anxiety but it's so much more than that. The worst thing is he just seems to bury his head, even though he admits that he feels sad, frustrated and lonely.

I'm hoping that a diagnosis will allow him to have access to some decent help and possibly medication for the adhd?

It breaks my heart to see my beautiful, funny, handsome, intelligent, caring son missing out on so much. He has also said he wants to stay at home for ever.😢
I do worry about his future, especially when we're no longer here.

Sending love to all those in a similar position.

23 is still young. It’s very possible that he will meet someone and marry- don’t give up too soon. It’s great that you value and love him and that you worry that he is happy. Life can change in a moment- my autistic friend from college is now happily married - in her 30’s. It took her longer but she got there in the end.

It breaks my heart to see my beautiful, funny, handsome, intelligent, caring son missing out on so much. He has also said he wants to stay at home for ever.😢
I do worry about his future, especially when we're no longer here

Exactly how I feel.

Would he ever consider some sort of supported living, with other neurodiverse gents his age? Just a thought if you both want him to gain independence and hopefully make friends?

@thenightsky

It's so hard, isn't it?

I read your post. I am terrified about him becoming homeless too.

We've been putting money away for him and our other ds since they were tiny, and they recently lost both grandparents on my dh's side and so stand to inherit. This means that hopefully he will have a big enough deposit to be able to buy a flat even with a minimum wage job when the time comes. Sadly I think that he won't want or be able to cope with anything more. His degree is basically buying time for him to hopefully grow up a little.

I'm relieved he has a younger db who will hopefully be able to look out for him when we're gone.

I think we will be in this position eventually, although DS currently a teenager.

I think don't push it yet, but do make sure that he is contributing a reasonable amount of his earnings into the houshold budget, and doing - within the limits of his capabilities - about a third of the household tasks for managing the home.

When chocking up the volume of household tasks so that you can work out what a third looks like, do include absolutely everything that you and your partner do other than your own jobs and your free time relaxation - things like e.g. meal planning, shopping, mowing the lawn, checking whether you are on the best deal for electricity and gas, annoying and arduous parts of running a household which adults generally need to do - though obviously if the nature of his condition means he's not able to take on some of those tasks, then that's OK, his third can include the tasks he is capable of.

With that done, then accept for the time being (a few years) him staying with you as a 3rd adult in the home, contributing a fair share both financially and in terms of the unpaid labour of daily grind required to keep the household going.

During that time, work needs to be done to work out what his capacity is for more independent living, and increasing his skills and confidence for those aspects that are within his capability. For things that he can't do and isn't capable of learning, and he will always need more support, care and supervision than the average adult, then he should be able to claim PIP.

As time goes on, sooner or later your own capacity will start to deteriorate and before that happens, hopefully long before, he will need to move into some kind of sheltered living situation, where your current role doing the things that he can't do will instead be done by paid carers. This will have to happen sooner or later, you are not immortal, but you have a right to focus on your own needs during your retirement years, so it's better if this happens in a planned and supported way rather than suddenly and chaotically when you eventually pop your clogs.

I don't know. My brother is 35, has some MH issues and still lives with our parents. They tried very hard to have him living independently but every single time he took a turn for the worse and it really didn't work out. He did manage to live independently for a little while but came home every single day, and then had a falling out with his landlord (because he can't manage adulting) and he moved back. That said he is so "well funcitoning" that assisted living options didn't seem right either, where he would be living with people with learning disaibilities and very serious MH issues. If you met him you would think he was "normal" but maybe a little strange, but I don't think he will ever live at home.

I used to work as a hospital social worker and several times a situation arose where a parent of an AC with disabilities was admitted to hospital - often a fall - and they were likely to be incapacitated for some time. I was then having to find suitable care/placement for the AC.

It was a huge shock for them and I had to find what I could find at short notice, even if it was not ideal. And the AC had a massive adjustment to make all of a sudden, and was unprepared.

For this reason I think you should start discussing the situation with professionals who will know what is available, and over time you DS can gently develop skills and begin to deal with the fact that he will not have you there for ever. That is simply a fact - you could get run over by a bus tomorrow. Sorry to be a bit harsh, but the AC I dealt with were totally shell-shocked, and I know you will want to avoid that.

Steps towards a degree of independence could very very gently begin so that he is not dropped in the ocean should the worst happen.

It is a dilemma I know and a big worry for parents on children with disabilities and other problems.

I have an autistic 28 year old and a 20 year old still at home, they are no trouble and the youngest is good company to some extent. Neither have any desire to leave either. I have a distant dream that they would want to live together in supported living as they are the best of friends.

DS is 23 and autistic and still living at home. It's the best situation for us really. I know he's safe, we ensure he eats well and has social contact with us and keep on top of his appointments and meds. He works from home for a small business that I run - he would not cope in a normal workplace.

I'm not sure if he'd ever want to move out - he says that he supposes he will one day, but with the immature sense of a teenager who has never thought about the reality of what's involved. He's spent time in a residential college which was similar to some aspects of supported living - we know from that and other feedback from parents with autistic dc in supported living that it wouldn't suit him. The level of support is very light, the activities they support with aren't things he's interested in, and they don't support with activities that he's actually interested in.

I had him quite young, so given the fact that women generally live longer than men, and I take more care of my health than he does - there's a high probability that there won't be too many years after my death that he'll need to fend for himself. No guarantees of course but it would be different if I'd had him later in life.

This.

He should stay at home and feel happy and secure but maybe try find some outlets/hobbies outside the house. Nothing major but you never know he may make a friend or two and it will open doors to other things.

It truly doesn't work that way.

This is very like my daughter and me. I do worry about how she will live when I am no longer here, and who will support her with this?

Kindly, he will need to be pushed to move out over time. He needs to be able to cope when you are no longer alive (bluntly). It can be devastating for such adults to have to cope with the grief of losing parents as well as needing for the first time to live without the support their parents provided.